this place is nuts

01-28-00

Every school in middle Georgia was closed today, as well as many businesses. Even the Figaros decided to close up at noon. Though the sky was threateningly gray, there was no other weather-related disaster. Not a flake of snow descended upon the (well-prepared) masses.

I found no small amusement in the situation. In Michigan, there must be piles of snow on the ground before school will be canceled. Not only must there be a mass of snow, but it must drift over the roads. Ice comes in handy. The key to getting a snow day, however, is timing. If snow falls between 8 and 10 pm, lay out your school clothes. The trucks have plenty of time to plow and salt before the school bus drivers gas up. About the only thing that gets a kid out of school in the Engler State is a sudden, brutal ice storm around the time the teachers' morning alarms are going off.

People here refused to leave their houses. Well, except for going out to loot the grocery store. John and I had a good laugh at the pictures on the Weather Channel this morning: Atlanta's grocery stores sporting bare shelves. "Oh, God, John, they're out of Frosted Mini Wheats!"

I was annoyed to call the church where I teach this morning and be told, "Well, Ah think it's up to y'all whether to teach today or not, just use your best judgement." Look, you bimbo (I know, I'm going to hell, but those elegant Southern drawls just scream "bimbo" to me.) Bimbo! Yo! To me, it looks like y'all are fucking crazy! Why the hell wouldn't I drive out there to teach? Maybe it's because the kids don't have school today, and most of them will assume they don't have lessons, either. I called to see if you have a policy, but, apparently not.

My judgement: show up to teach. Come on, y'all. You're going to have to pay me whether the kids have lessons or not. Which they didn't. One didn't show, and the other showed up without a horn. Know why? 'Cause it's locked in the school, which is closed. On account of the possibility of (get this) one to three inches of snow.

Hey, how about some stories of military efficiency? The base was designated something like "limited duty." At least, that's what John was. Means go in for part of the day. Problem: the guy who called everyone last night to say "take the day off" didn't have a story for John's group, which was scheduled to drive to Montgomery this morning. Montgomery, for those of you not addicted to the Weather Channel, is where all hell broketh loose this morning. Hell was behind schedule, and dumped a little rain on Montgomery. Meanwhile, John's NCOIC (that's short for "guy in charge") has changed his phone number to something unlisted and is unavailable to anyone in the band.

7:45 am John was packed and ready for the drive, when the phone rang, woke me up, and began a round of "call someone, that person calls someone else, then both call you back." In the end, the trip to Montgomery was canceled and John was instructed to go to work. He changed from his "drive on the bus" clothes to his work uniform and went in. Around 10:30 he called to tell me that whoever canceled the trip on this end forgot to tell the folks in Montgomery, so the trip's back on. John came home, changed back to the bus clothes, repacked, and went back to work to catch the bus to AL. Not knowing whether the trip would, indeed, be canceled once they got there. Because in the military, you see, it is possible to cancel a trip once that trip has begun. Even when that trip is more than half over and is completely paid for, it is still possible to cancel that trip. Why? It just is.

John's going on the trip was a study in efficiency right from the beginning. It was just a jazz combo gig to begin with, some general's retirement something-or-other. John wasn't going to go at all. Then it seemed that the gig people wanted the someone to sing a particular cheeseball song, and it happened to be one of the tunes that John sings. The Cheeto song also requires a full rock band setup, with mics for John and amps and synths and all manner of electrical equipment. And two hours' setup and teardown time, both ways. For one song. Plus John's advance and per diem for going on the trip. On our end, there was much finagling, trying to make it worth the extra fuss by adding a few more rock band tunes. No go on their end. All they wanted was the Cheeto song (get ready: it's "God Bless the USA." Told you it was cheeseball.) Well, hey, I wonder if I'm allowed to say all that stuff about the military. We love the military, yes we do! All fun and games, all tongue-in-cheese, I mean, cheek. I would never make fun of the military if I didn't just love the military, would I?

By the way, some guy totally snazzed me in his own journal the other day. Though I'm grateful for the link, I just don't know what he's talking about. I've never met anyone from the Internet! I wouldn't DO such a thing! You could meet all kinds of weirdos and freaks. I would no sooner meet someone from the 'net than I'd pick up a hitchhiker. Even if that hitchhiker looked like Tigger.

(behind a cupped palm) "Shut up, Dan, geez! Or I'll tell them how you eat salad!"
;)