3/2/99

Today I asked my accompanist if we could meet for rehearsals sometime this weekend. He replied, "Ooo, I guess I should take a look at the music, shouldn't I...." My nerves are shot. I can't take this any more. Does anyone out there want to be my manager? For free? You can come to all the performances that you schedule and I won't even charge you....

Not only is he oblivious to the fact that the music I've chosen is pretty damn hard; NOT ONLY does he not realize that this is a degree recital and I could fail; but he's too busy to even meet with me this weekend. Too fucking busy? The recital's in a week? When are we going to rehearse, then, Mr. Procrastination? I have the hall signed out an hour ahead of the starting time, maybe we could run through the program right then. Or are you too busy?

Today I actually chewed out some kids at the school where I teach. I teach in a classroom at a junior high, and my room is right by the door to the parking lot. Random kids stand there when they're waiting for parents to come pick them up. They make lots of noise. And they peek into my room and disturb my lessons. The students aren't supposed to be in the building unless they have music lessons, and once in a while a teacher will come along and kick them out. One teacher actually referred to them privately as "little assholes".

When I'm between students, I practice, and the only way I can keep the random kids from banging my door and making rude comments is to leave the door open. It helps all the teachers out because they usually head right outside. Tonight they didn't. One brazen youth decided it was a funny hint to me to shut my door, and something snapped. I went to the door and opened it, then for a split second I relished the "oops" looks on their faces.

And then I quietly addressed the kid by the door: "Look, you guys aren't supposed to be in here. I don't care if you are, but I can't have you disturbing me." They gave me those tiny, scared "okay"s, just like I used to when I was busted. I felt awful. I know, I know, it was nothing. But in years of teaching and babysitting and supervising, it's the first time I've ever told a kid off. I've never said anything negative to a student, I'm still exploring my style of constructive criticism. I was pumped with adrenaline after that, and I couldn't go back to practicing right away.