Journal of a Cynic


to gather stones

For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter
under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck
up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time
to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time
to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

What gain has the worker
from his toil?

Ecclesiastes 3:1-9

8/7/99

3:30 pm

20 minutes ago I made a couple of phone calls. I’m still shaking.

I called information. (Pretty nerve-wracking, huh?) I tracked down a phone number for a couple of guys I knew at U of M. John (not my husband) moved to Atlanta before my senior year at Michigan, and Joshua followed him a year later. There were never heard from again.

The footage they shot was found three months later. Ha ha. Just kidding.

I left a message in Joshua’s mailbox (they live together) today. I don’t know why I’m so nervous and excited. I love those guys. Definitely two of the sweetest people in my past. I so want to see them again.

Lately I’ve been trying to dredge up good memories from my undergrad. I had a fantastic time for those few years, but it ended so badly that I walked away and didn’t look back. I realized that no matter how much fun I had, I’d never been very happy. Josh, especially, bore witness; he always seemed to know that I was battling some inner demon. He and I knew each other in high school.

In order to let go, I separated myself from those memories. Every face that appeared on the horizon of my memory became a bitter reminder. Now I want that to stop. I want to have happy memories again.

I did some shitty things back then, to people who didn’t deserve them. It’s time to go back.

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