"sob"

04-22-00

My hormones are seriously fucked up. My ovary pops out an egg like a pill gun and I turn into a raving lunatic. Some women get, you know, excited; must be nice. I just have breakdowns. Yesterday I was just about fine until around noon; then Mr. Ovary went "pop!" and all of a sudden I became Monster Bitch. Almost got myself fired. Wore out my negative thoughts card. I spent several hours in a fetal position, got up for a while, and got extremely sick of the negative thoughts card. I hated the negative thoughts card. I wanted to kill it.

I mean, really. The last thing I want to do when I'm mad at the negative thoughts card is put another mark on it. I put a mark on the card and then I have to put another mark on the card because I have homicidal thoughts about the card. I hate the card. Fuck the card.

The getting fired thing, that wasn't really as bad as it sounds. I was kind of hoping to get fired, surprise surprise. What really happened is that I wanted to go home and Aida kept telling me one more thing, and one more thing, to do, and finally I just sat to collect my negative thoughts (and mark them on the card) and she caught me not doing anything. Well, I was doing something, I was frantically marking my card while the dogs just BARKED and BARKED and BARKED. I was going insane.

The problem was when I lied (don't ask me why, I don't know. I'm a shitty liar.) I told her I was letting the dogs out, and she went back and looked and saw there was no dog outside. Then I got all tangled in shitty-liar-speak and she got pretty mad. She left, I snapped, and cried just enough so that my face blotched, and then I'm sure you can guess what happened: she walked right back in and caught me. She didn't offer to fire me; she just told me that I'm free to quit at any time, but if I stay I pretty much have to do the work she tells me to do.

I thought it was unfair. It's the first day in almost six months of work when I haven't been on my game. Six months of doing crap work at 6.50 an hour, no raise at 90 days like she said. If I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, why doesn't she give me the raise she's supposed to give me? I didn't argue. I'm a loser.

Sigh Going to go mark my card.

Anyway, that's pretty much why I haven't updated lately. That and the crate full of kittens that we euthanized on Thursday. It's been rough.

Today, not so bad. Work was rather, well, not-bad, and I played tennis twice. The first time I wasn't into it, and later I wanted to play again, so John obliged me. I think he was happy to see me out of bed and off the couch for a while. In between tennis episodes, I watched tennis on tv and thought, gee, maybe I'll write a journal entry tonight. Maybe that would be a good idea. I wonder if anyone's still checking?

John's out bowling and I'm going to hang with my cats. Still have to work in the morning; the vet doesn't celebrate Easter, but even if he did I'd have to feed the dogs. Can't the dogs feed themselves once in a while, is all I'm asking.