the spellchecker

02-03-00

Everybody, please, do this. It's a link to the Prevent A Litter Coalition's web site, specifically the page concerning the commemorative stamp that advocates the spaying or neutering of pets. I apologize for linking to a page written in an inconsiderately small font, but the message is important and the addresses you need are printed in bold.

Thumbs up on the new work boots. Even with new-shoe blisters, they rock.

Other than the shoes, work was work. I got home around six tonight and John's in Biloxi, so there's not much else to fill the space of this entry. The Figaros received a nine-page, photocopied letter from the shelter. The letter was something of a testimonial, written by a client who'd brought us her puppy only to have it die when it got home. Well, it died some days later, after she took it to a different vet, or something. We had a blast tearing that letter apart.

Aida focused on the facts. The letter stated that we told her the puppy was fine (we told her it might have the Parvo virus,) we didn't do a fecal or shots (strangely, attached to the letter was a receipt from us, stating that we'd done those things,) and that we didn't deworm the puppy (the owner declined the worming treatment, which is optional.) Aida's name was spelled wrong in the letter, as was the name of our facility.

Jennifer handled the department of letter-writing etiquette, and also covered punctuation. "Don't use contractions in a formal document! Use a comma after that prepositional phrase! Why didn't she type this?"

My own area of expertise, spelling and grammar, had us in tears of laughter. I love picking apart essays, memos, posters, menus, and other public notices. I am evil—it was my idea to get out the red pen and have at it with the irritating bitch. My signature technique is pronouncing spelling errors the way they're spelled. If "beginning" is spelled "begining," I pronounce it "be-GUY-ning." If "were" is written "where," I say it that way. "Professinal" is said "pro-fes-sin-al." Like it's spelled. Duh.

Other choice words that the bitch had for us: she said Jennifer was "nasty staff," and wrote out several phrases that Jennifer may or may not have said, but were certainly taken out of context. Didn't use quotation marks, either. She called us ignorant. I nearly rolled on the floor when I heard that one. I'm sure the bitch doesn't know what "irony" means.

In the end, Jennifer and I had to hide the letter in a file drawer to keep Aida from mailing it back to the woman, covered in red ink.

So, now I've gone and made fun of a poorly-educated woman whose brand-new shelter puppy died, after she spent lots of money getting it. I remember the dog. It was healthy enough when we saw it, but parvo strikes fast and strikes hard. We had a parvo puppy in the place today, and he made my life miserable. If I was sure nobody was eating while they read, I'd tell you all about the constant bloody diarrhea and the drooly, wormy vomit.

Did I cross that line again? Oops.

Um. Ahem.

Spay and neuter your pets! Damn it.

Um.

Middle Georgia is a wealth of spelling-mockery opportunities. I remember some ordinance in Michigan that must be lacking down here, something about having excessive signage out by the roads. There are signs all over the place here; every tiny business has a sign or two out by the road, and there are dozens of shops and offices in each block of strip malls. The result is a dizzying display of signs, signs, signs. Tall, short, bright, plain, lighted, big fonts, small fonts, red letters, multicolors. Spinning signs, blinking signs, neon signs, graphic signs.

There's an abundance of those signs with the slats of plastic letters. The ones where shop owners can spell something different every day? So many jokes, prayers, specials, and deals printed up with mis-spellings and letter substitutions. When driving, I make sure to say the spelling errors out loud, to the amusement of anyone in the car. The other day they had a 99 cent special on "cheesebugers" at Wendy's. Classic.

The frozen custard place down the street always makes me laugh. They have a flavor of the day on their sign each day, along with some cheesy proverb about buying custard. Certain letters have escaped, or weren't plentiful. The sign-speller has come up with creative replacements, using backward letter tiles and a dry erase marker. Like the standard flipping of the W tile to get an extra M. My favorites have been when they create B's out of E's, and when they flipped a J upside down and made a P out of it. Some days you just need an extra P, that's all.