Oxymorons
Two men were talking. They descided to figure out who could come up with the best oxymoron. The first one said "Military Intelligence". "Hmm" the other one said "That's a tough one. How about Microsoft Works?"
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church - Vatican City (AP)
In a joint press conference in St. PeterÕs Square this morning, Microsoft Corporation and the Vatican announced that the Redmond, Washington software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of Microsoft common Stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice president of the combined companyÕs new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft Senior vice presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates.
ÒWe expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years,Ó said Gates. ÒThe combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to
Through the Microsoft Network, the companyÕs new on-line service, Òwe will make the sacraments available on-line for the first timeÓ and revive the popular pre-counter- Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. ÒYou can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution - even reduce your time in purgatory - all without leaving your home.Ó A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro language that you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated seventeen thousand people attended the announcement in St. PeterÕs Square, watching on a sixty-foot screen as comedian Don Novello - in character as Father Guido Sarducci - hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to seven hundred sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates ÒNow I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats,Ó the crowd roared, but the pontiffÕs smile seemed strained.
The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the VaticanÕs prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft will face stiff challenges if it expects to limit competitorÕs access to these key intellectual properties.
ÒThe Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scripturesÓ said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. ÒYou take the parting of the Red Sea - we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene.Ó
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. ÒThe catholic church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience.Ó notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last two thousand years, the Catholic ChurchÕs market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the church has a reputation to be an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. the churchÕs mission is to reach Òthe four corners of the earth,Ó echoing MicrosoftÕs vision of Òa computer of every desktop and in every home.Ó
Gates described MicrosoftÕs long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired - ÒOne religion, a couple of different implementations,Ó said Gates.
The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the incredibly competitive religious market.
