Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted the day's events.It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product."
Then France announced it's intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Microsoft Network has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!"
On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing their notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candour, Hussein said, "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying, "Well, Saddam, let's play some FreeCell!"
Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United Sates' Pacific Northwest turned in their axes for spades after seeing a Microsoft video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the peso reversed it's downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City. On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, Massachusetts, reported that Windows 95 had removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start,' and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!"
Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable , fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.
When asked for a comment on these almost miracle events, Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied, "If you think this is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!"
Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time.
News Flash: Microsoft Purchases 1995! New York AP
In a suprise move, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calander year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by the actual 1995. "Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said "But we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and moeny on a new marketing campaign, we just decided to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995.Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging it's financial assets to bail out the federal government and payoff the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: All cheques must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benifit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M." Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this oppertunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, Claiming time to be sole property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity comglomerates." "Gosh," says Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?" Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates is looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: He doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can go for at least six days without sleeping. "If we could just get some employees like that" Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."
