.DAILY DIARY.

.September 30, 2001.

.Today's Author:.Mysterious 3rd Party

Alright you shmucks. Tired of the same damn old diary entry? As am I. I TORE myself from my delightful retirement community in Denver to come back to work to save this section of the website from extinction. Now, for anyone who is not aware...I (the long-running original author of the diary) retired in late 2000 due to crippling arthritis and an insatiable desire to take advantage of young girls (and who has a better oppurtunity than a "retired" old guy who is often visited by his horrificly young, nubile, adopted grandchildren? Hey!! I said they were adopted!!! At least I have the decency to lie about it!!!). Anyway, all I do at the retirement home...in between naps and sexual encounters of the wrinkled kind...is read the damn diary. You know, to see how my hand-picked successor is handling the job, and I would proudly say he's handling the duty fine...ON HIS OWN GODDAM LIVEJOURNAL!!!!!!!!!!! That 500 pound bastard is so lazy. But I guess I should have seen this coming. 400 pounds of his extreme mass is in the fingers on his right hand, making it nearly impossible to click...or move...or avoid crushing his mouse. Supposedly he turns on his computer with his left hand, opens his browser with his left hand, and then his livejournal is his start up page. So, unable to resist the urge to inform the net surfers of the world about his touching journey up the stairs each day, he begins to type with his left hand like an overweight madman stuck in eternal slow motion...and then collapses from the effort. He usually wakes up hours later, unsure of whether or not he did the daily diary that day. For some reason, he always assumes he had. Perhaps he simply can't hear the the reminder message I put on his computer that says: "YOU HAVEN'T DONE THE F*CKING DIARY IN A MONTH, YOU BULBOUS, CARPET SLUG!!!!!!!!!" Eh, I suppose I may not have been direct enough. I'll blame myself, I'm older.

Anyway, much like the last time I revisited diaryland, this is not going to be a normal thing. I unfortunately don't have the time. But I had decided that a new diary entry was perhaps the best way to celebrate the one month anniversary of the previous entry. So, I met with "One Month Old Diary Entry" at his upscale condo in Hollywood for a surprise Anniversary Party. Luckily, I brought along my trusty tape recorder. So, without further ado...

Mysterious 3rd Party: "HOORAY!!!! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, PREVIOUS DIARY ENTRY!! YOU'RE NOW ONE MONTH OLD!!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF???"

One Month Old Diary Entry: "Damn baby, you got one sweet ass. But that's what happens when you pour sugar & artificial sweetner on it. One sweet, but very sticky, ass."

Mysterious 3rd Party: "Riiight. What are you gonna do with your new found fame and fortune?"

One Month Old Diary Entry: "Damn baby, you got one sweet ass. But that's what happens when you pour sugar & artificial sweetner on it. One sweet, but very sticky, ass."

Mysterious 3rd Party: "A man of few words. Well, good luck with your future endevours, One Month Old Diary Entry. Maybe we'll get really bad and the Mysterious 4th Party will bring you back when he can't think of anything else to say!!! At the very least I'm sure you're going to have some brothers of a similar age!!!"