SEASON ONE
WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH
Xander: You know, I kinda had a problem with the math.
Willow: Uh, which part?
Xander: The math.
Can you help me out tonight, pleeeease, be my study buddy?
Willow: Well, what's in it for me?
Xander: A shiny nickel!
Willow: Okay. Do you have 'Theories in Trig'? You should check it out.
Xander: Check it out?
Willow: From the library? Where the books live.
Xander: Right, I'm there! See, I wanna change...

Xander: So tell!
Jesse: Tell what?
Xander: What's the sitch, what do ya know about her?
Jesse: New girl!
Xander: Well, you're certainly a font of nothing!

Buffy: Mr. Flutie..
Mr. Flutie: All the kids here are free to call me Bob.
Buffy: Bob...
Mr. Flutie: But they don't.

Mr. Flutie: You burned down the gym.
Buffy: I did, I really did, but... You're not seeing the big picture here, I mean, that gym was full of vampi... asbestos.

Xander: Can I have you?...Duh...Can I help you?

Xander: Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy: Great! It was nice to meet you
Xander: (to himself) We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic.

Cordelia: Oh, I would kill to live in LA That close to that many shoes?

Cordelia: Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from LA, so you can skip the written, but let's see. Vamp nail polish.
Buffy: Um, over?
Cordelia: So over. James Spader.
Buffy: He needs to call me!
Cordelia: Frappaccinos.
Buffy: Trendy, but tasty.
Cordelia: John Tesh.
Buffy: The Devil.
Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but... you passed!

Cordelia: Willow! Nice dress! Good to know you've seen the softer side of Sears.
Willow: Uh, oh, well, my mom picked it out.
Cordelia: No wonder you're such a guy magnet.

Cordelia: The Bronze. It's the only club worth going to around here. They let anybody in, but it's still the scene. It's in the bad part of town.
Buffy: Where's that?
Cordelia: About a half a block from the good part of town. We don't have a whole lot of town here.

Buffy: Uh, Hi! Willow, right?
Willow: Why? I-I mean, hi! Uh, did you want me to move?
Buffy: Why don't we start with 'Hi, I'm Buffy,' and, uh, then let's segue directly into me asking you for a favour. It doesn't involve moving, but it does involve hanging out with me for a while.
Willow: But aren't you hanging out with Cordelia?
Buffy: I can't do both?
Willow: Not legally.

Willow: Uh, if you have sixth period free we could meet in the library?
Buffy: Or not. Or we could meet some place quieter. Louder. Uh, that place just kinda gives me the wiggins.
Willow: Oh, it has that effect on most kids. I love it, though, it's a great collection, and the new librarian is really cool.
Buffy: He's new?
Willow: Yeah, he just started. He was a curator at some British museum, or, or The British Museum, I'm not sure. But he knows everything, and he brought all these historical volumes and biographies and am I the single dullest person alive?

Xander: Oh, me and Buffy go waaay back, old friends, very close. Then there's that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people, but now here we are, like old times, I'm quite moved.
Jesse: Is it me, or are you turning into a bibbling idiot?
Xander: No, it's, uh, it's not you.

Jesse: Well, you know, we wanted to welcome ya, make ya feel at home, unless you have a scary home...
Xander: And to return this. (holds up Buffy's stake) The only thing I can think is that you're building a really little fence. (gives it to Buffy) Buffy: Hah, no, um, a-a-actually it was for self-defence. Everyone has them in LA Pepper spray is just so passe'.

Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale.

Cordelia: I don't mean to interrupt your downward mobility, but I just wanted to tell you that you won't be meeting Coach Foster, the woman with the chest hair, because gym was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the locker.

Cordelia: Totally dead. Way dead.
Xander: It's not just a little dead then?
Cordelia: Don't you have an elsewhere to be?
Buffy: Well, were there any marks?
Cordelia: Morbid much! I didn't ask!

Buffy: 'Cause, it's the weirdest thing. He's got two little, little holes in his neck, and all his blood's been drained. Isn't that bizarre? Aren't you just going, ooo?
Giles: I was afraid of this.
Buffy: Well, I wasn't! It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair. I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.
Giles: Then why are you here?
Buffy: To tell you that... I don't care, which... I don't, and... have now told you, so... bye.

Buffy: To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.

Giles: Because you are the Slayer. Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...
Buffy: ...with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires, to stop the spread of their evil blah, blah, blah... I've heard it, okay?

Giles: What do you know about this town?
Buffy: It's two hours on the freeway from Neiman Marcus?

Giles: Like zombies, werewolves, incubi, succubi, everything you've ever dreaded was under your bed, but told yourself couldn't be by the light of day. They're all real!
Buffy: What? You, like, sent away for the Time-Life series?
Giles: Ah, w-w-w-yes.
Buffy: Did you get the free phone?
Giles: Um, the calendar.

Buffy: But, okay, first of all, I'm a Vampire Slayer. And secondly, I'm retired. Hey, I know! Why don't you kill 'em?
Giles: I-I'm a Watcher, I-I haven't the skill...
Buffy: Oh, come on, stake through the heart, a little sunlight... It's like falling off a log.

Giles: Something's coming, something, something... something is, is gonna happen here. Soon!
Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?

Buffy: (holds a shiny black outfit up to the mirror) Hi! I'm an enormous slut! (holds up a blue floral dress) Hello! Would you like a copy of 'The Watchtower'?

Joyce: Are you, uh, going out tonight?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm going to a club.
Joyce: Oh. Will there be boys there?
Buffy: No, Mom. It's a nun club.

Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
Angel: To kill them. To kill them all.
Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax.

Buffy: Oh, you're here with someone?
Willow: No, I'm just here. I thought Xander was gonna show up.
Buffy: Oh, are you guys going out?
Willow: No, we're just friends. We used to go out, but we broke up.
Buffy: How come?
Willow: He stole my Barbie. Oh, we were five.

Willow: Well, when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or, or witty, or at all. I-I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away.
Buffy: It's not that bad!
Willow: No, i-it is. I think boys are more interested in a girl who can talk.
Buffy: You really haven't been dating lately.

Buffy: So, you like to party with the students. Isn't that kinda skanky?
Giles: Oh, right, this is me having fun. Watching... clown hair prance about is hardly my idea of a party. I'd much rather be at home with a cup of Bovril and a good book.
Buffy: You need a personality, stat!

Giles: What did you say?
Buffy: The Harvest. That mean something to you? 'Cause I'm drawing a blank.
Giles: I'm not sure. Uh... W-who told you this?
Buffy: This... guy. Dark, gorgeous in an annoying sort of way. I figured you two were buds.
Giles: No. The Harvest. Did he say anything else?
Buffy: Something about the Mouth of Hell. I really didn't like him!

Cordelia: My mom doesn't even get out of bed anymore. And the doctor says it's Epstein-Barr. I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, nobody cool has Epstein-Barr anymore.

Cordelia: Oh, yay, it's my stalker.
Jesse: Hey, you, uh, you look great!
Cordelia: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Jesse: Listen, uh, you know, you wanna dance, you know?
Cordelia: With you?
Jesse: Well, uh, yeah.
Cordelia: Well, uh, no!

Buffy: I didn't say I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it.

Buffy: Oh, please! Look at his jacket. He's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt! Deal with that outfit for a moment.
Giles: It's dated?
Buffy: It's carbon dated. Trust me, only someone living underground for ten years would think that was still the look.

Cordelia: God! What is your childhood trauma?!
Buffy: Have you guys seen Willow? Did she come by here?
Cordelia: Why? Do you need to attack her with the stick? Jeez! (to her groupies) Excuse me, I have to call everyone I have ever met, right now.

Giles: The vampire is not dead?
Buffy: No, but my social life is on the critical list.

Willow: Sure is dark.
Thomas: It's night.
Willow: Well, that's a dark time, night. Traditionally.

Buffy: She left with a guy.
Xander: We're talking about Willow, right? Scorin' at the Bronze, work it girl...
Buffy: No, I need to find her. Where would he take her?
Xander: Why? Oh, hey, I hope he's not a vampire, because then you might have to slay him.
Buffy: Was there a... a school bulletin? Was it i-in the newspaper? Is there anyone in this town who doesn't know I'm the Slayer?

Buffy: Well, this is nice. I-it's a little bare, but a dash of paint, a few throw pillows... call it home!

Darla: Who the hell are you?
Buffy: You mean there's actually someone in this town who doesn't know already? Whew, that's a relief, I'm telling you! Having a secret identity in this town is a job of work.

Buffy: Okay, first of all, what's with the outfit? Live in the now, okay? You look like DeBarge!

Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way, or... well, actually there's just the hard way
Darla: That's fine with me!
Buffy: Are you sure? Now, this in not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content.
..
Buffy: You know, I just wanted to start over. Be like everybody else. Have some friends, y'know, maybe a dog... But, no, you had to come here, you couldn't go suck on some other town.

THE HARVEST Xander: Okay, this is where I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a talk with vampires in it.
Willow: Isn't that what we saw last night?
Buffy: No. No, th-those weren't vampires, those were just guys in thundering need of a facial. Or maybe they had rabies. It could have been rabies. A-and that guy turning to dust? Just a trick of light.

Willow: Oh, I, I need to sit down.
Buffy: You are sitting down.
Willow: Oh. Good for me.

Darla: He's a good one! His blood is pure!
Master: You've tasted it. I'm your... faithful dog. You bring me scraps
Darla: I, I didn't mean it..
Master: I have waited. For three score years I have waited. While you come and go I am stuck here, here in this house of... worship! My ascension is almost at hand. Pray that when it comes... I'm in a better mood.

Giles: For as long as there have been vampires, there's been the Slayer. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One.
Buffy: He loves doing this part.
Giles: Alright. The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

Willow: Does anybody mind if I pass out?

Willow: Uh, this may be the dumb question, but shouldn't we call the police?
Giles: And they'd believe us, of course.
Willow: Well, we don't have to say vampires. We, we could just say that there's a, a bad man.

Giles: So, all the city plans are just, uh, open to the public?
Willow: Um, well, i-in a way. I sort of stumbled onto them when I accidentally decrypted the city council's security system.
Xander: Someone's been naughty

Giles: It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine...That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
Buffy: Welcome to the New World.

Mr. Flutie: We're not leaving school grounds, are we?
Buffy: No! No, I'm... just admiring the fence. You know, this is quality fence work

Xander: And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot.
Willow: Not like an idiot, just... standing.

Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz'. Today it's 'Rain of Toads'.
Willow: I know. And everyone else thinks it's just a normal day.
Xander: Nobody knows. It's like we've got this big secret.
Willow: We do. That's what a secret is, when you know something other guys don't.

Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you?
Angel: They really don't like me dropping in
Buffy: (faces him) Why not?
Angel: They really don't like me
Buffy: How could that possibly be?
Angel: I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a little sooner
Buffy: Sorry you had to wait. (exhales) Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis can you at least tell me your name?

Xander: Okay, so, crosses, garlic, stake through the heart
Buffy: That'll get it done
Xander: Cool! Of course, I don't actually have any of those things
Buffy: (hands him a cross) Good thinking
Xander: Well, the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is still busy telling me not to come down here

Xander: You've done some beheading in your time?
Buffy: Oh, yeah. There was this time I was pinned down by this guy that played left tackle for varsity... Well, at least he used to before he was a vampire... Anyway, he had this really, really thick neck, and all I had was a little, little Exact-O knife...You're not loving this story.
Xander: No, actually, I find it oddly comforting

Cordelia: Why do we have to devise these programs, isn't that what nerds are for?

Cordelia: So anyway, I come outta the bathroom, and she comes running at me. Screaming! With a stick! 'I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna kill you!' I swear!
Boy: Who?
Cordelia: Buffy!
Harmony: The new girl?
Boy: What's her deal?
Cordelia: Well, she's crazed.

Boy: Why was she kicked out?
Cordelia: Uh, because she's a psycho loony!
Willow: No, she's not.
Cordelia: What?
Willow: She's not a psycho. You don't even know her.
Cordelia: Excuse me? Who gave you permission to exist? Do I horn in on your private discussions? No. Why? Because you're boring.

Jesse: I, I can hear the worms in the earth!
Xander: That's a plus

Willow: I surfed through the old newspapers around the time of that big earthquake back in '37? And for several months before there were a rash of murders
Giles: Great! I-I mean, well, not, not 'great' in a good way, uh, um, uh, go on?

Buffy: So, Giles! Got anything that can make this day any worse?
Giles: How about the end of the world?
Buffy: Knew I could count on you

Buffy: Any idea where this little get-together is being held?
Giles: There, there are a number of possibilities
Xander: They're goin' to the Bronze
Willow: Are you sure?
Xander: Come on. All those tasty young morsels all over the place? Anyway, that's where Jesse's gonna be, trust me

Cordelia: Senior boys are the only way to go. Guys from our grade, forget about it, they're children. Y'know? Like Jesse. Did you see him last night, following me around like a little puppy dog. You just wanna put him to sleep. But senior boys, hmm, they have mystery. They have... What's the word I'm searching for? Cars! I just am not the type to settle.Y'know? It's like when I go shopping. I have to have the most expensive thing. Not because it's expensive, but because it costs more
Girl: You know, I..
Cordelia: Hello, Miss Motormouth, can I get a sentence finished?

Buffy: Oh, I'm sorry, were you in the middle of something?
Luke: You!
Buffy: You didn't think I'd miss this. Did you?
Luke: I hoped you'd come
Buffy: Be right down!

Buffy: Okay, Vessel boy. You want blood?
Luke: I want yours! Only yours!
Buffy: Works for me.

Willow: Did we win?
Buffy: Well, we averted the apocalypse. I give us points for that

Cordelia: Well, I heard it was rival gangs. You know, fighting for turf? But all I can tell you is they were an ugly way of looking. And Buffy, like, knew them! Which is just too weird. I mean, I don't even remember that much, but I'm telling you, it was a freak show!
Girl: Oh, I wish I'd been there!
Cordelia: You should have been there. It was so creepy..

Buffy: What exactly were you expecting? Xander: I don't know, something. I mean, the dead rose. We should at least have an assembly

Willow: Well, I'll never forget it, none of it.
Giles: Good! Next time you'll be prepared.
Xander: Next time?
Willow: Next time is why?
Giles: We've prevented the Master from freeing himself and opening the mouth of Hell. That's not to say he's going to stop trying. I'd say the fun is just beginning.
Willow: More vampires?
Giles: Not just vampires. The next threat we face may be something quite different.
Buffy: I can hardly wait!

Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!
Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths
Willow: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying
Giles: The Earth is doomed!
THE WITCH
Giles: This is madness! What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this... Cult?
Buffy: (wearing her cheerleading uniform)You don't like the color?
Giles: I d... Do you, um... Do you ignore everything I say as a, as a rule?
Buffy: No, I believe that's your trick.

Giles: You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... wave pompoms at people. And as the Watcher I forbid it
Buffy: And you'll be stopping me how?
Giles: Well, I... By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists
Willow: Giles didn't approve, huh?
Buffy: He totally lost his water. We haven't seen a vampire in over a week. I'd say he should get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old.
Xander: People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this!
Xander: (watching Amber do the splits) Ooo, stretchy! Where was I?
Willow: You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures was a spiritual experience
Xander: Who said I was pretending? Oh, hey! Here's a good luck thing for tryouts
Buffy: What's this?
Willow: What's that?
Buffy: Oh, how sweet! 'Yours Always.'
Xander: I-i-it came that way, really, they all said that!
Cordelia: Just look at that Amber. Who does she think she is, a Laker Girl? Willow: I heard she turned them down
Amy: Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways
Buffy: They have cheerleading coaches?
Amy: Oh, yeah! Don't you have? I train with my mom, three hours in the morning, three at night
Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide
Xander: So, we have no idea what caused this. That's a comfort.
Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

Xander: So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire. It's like the human torch, only it hurts.
Willow: That means hacking illegally into the school's computer system. At last, something I can do!
Buffy: You guys don't have to get involved
Xander: What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team?
Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!
Buffy: I just don't like putting you guys in danger
Xander: Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away

Amy: That's my mom!
Buffy: No! 'Catherine Madison'. Get down with your bad self!
Amy: Her nickname was 'Catherine the Great'. She took that team and made them tri-county champions. Y'know, no one's ever done that before, or since. She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen. They got married right after graduation.
Buffy: That's kinda romantic.
Amy: Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money. Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was twelve.
Buffy: Okay, that part's less romantic

Willow: Is she okay?
Buffy: No, she's, she's wiggin' about her mom, big cheer queen back when
Willow: Yeah, her mom's kinda...
Buffy: ...Nazi like?
Willow: Heil. If she gains an ounce she padlocks the fridge and won't eat anything but broth
Buffy: So, mommy dearest is really... Mommy Dearest?

Buffy: Hey, any word on Amber?
Willow: Nothing thrilling. Average student. Got detention once, for smoking. Regular smoking... with a cigarette, not, like, being smoky

Cordelia: I have a dream. It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we... wither and die!
Amy: Look, I'm sorry about..
Cordelia: Shhh! If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry! Have a nice day

Xander: Cool! Was she wearin' it? The bracelet, she was wearin' it, right? Pretty much like we're goin' out
Willow: Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it
Xander: So I'm just a figure of fun. I should ask her out, right?
Willow: You won't know till you ask.
Xander: That's why you're so cool! You're like a guy! You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff!
Willow: Oh, great. I'm a guy

Xander: One of those girls hit me really hard! You should test for steroids. Okay, not only did you make the team, but you, Miss Summers, are the first alternate, and Amy's number three
Amy glances at Buffy with a look of disappointment, and walks off.
Xander: And what a better way to celebrate than with a romantic drive through..
Willow: Xander, alternates are the ones who didn't make the team, they only fill in if something happens to the ones who did
Buffy: Excuse me
Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me

Buffy: Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair
Joyce: This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?

Buffy: And have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them

Xander: Cordelia, you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it something I've done? Okay, see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal, much less a human being?
Willow: I see that
Xander: This is the invisible man syndrome. A blessing in Cordelia's case. A curse in Buffy's
Willow: You're not invisible to Buffy.
Xander: It's worse! I'm just like a part of the scenery, like an old shoe. Or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see it
Willow: Like a pen that's all chewed up, and you know you should throw it away, but you don't, not 'cause you like it so much, more 'cause you're just used to...
Xander: Will, yeah, that is the point, you don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike. I'm gonna take your advice and not beat around the bush
Willow: Or I could be wrong! Maybe you should beat around the bush more
Xander: Nah, I gotta be a man and ask her out. Y'know, I gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, uh, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside of her bedroom window late at night that last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes.

Mr. Pole: Nice of you to join us, Cordelia. We didn't keep you waiting or anything, did we? It's your turn to drive. Okay, people, let's buckle up
Cordelia: I don't wanna drive today, Mr. Pole
Mr. Pole: You've flunked Driver's Ed. twice already. Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus to college

Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale

Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
Willow: Maybe because they met her? Did I say that?

Buffy: Okay, alright, so, you're in high school, you are desperate to make the team and please your mom, so you turn to witchcraft. What's the first thing you're gonna do?
Willow: Check out the books on witchcraft!
Xander: Uh, no! No, that would be the last thing you would do! You don't wanna leave a paper trail. Forget that!
Willow: It'll just take a minute.
Xander: We don't have a minute! Cheerleaders are in danger. Buffy's in danger
You were the first alternate, you are on the team now that Cordelia's out. You could be next
We gotta get you to a safe house
Willow: Xander..
Xander: Yeah.
Willow: 'Witches: Historic Roots to Modern Practice.' Checked out by Alexander Harris
Buffy: 'The Pagan Rites', checked out by Alexander..
Xander: Alright, alright, it's not what you think
Willow: You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander: Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it is what you think

Buffy: Amy, help me. Um, which is the hydrochloric acid and which is the, uh, ammonium hydroxide?
Amy: Well, the bottle that says 'hydrochloric acid' is usually the hydrochloric acid
Buffy: Read the bottles. Good concept!

Xander: Wave 'Hi' to the nice little witch!

Xander: We're right behind you, only... further back

Buffy: The test was positive! She's our Sabrina

Buffy: Macho, macho, man! I want to be a macho man. Macho... Oh, hey, juice! Mm... Quality juice. Not from concentrate!
Joyce: You're in a good mood.
Buffy: I am! I'm on the squad, which is great, 'cause I feel like cheering and leading others to cheer. Ooo, hey, juice!
Joyce: Listen, honey, about yesterday, I really..
Buffy: Mm! That is totally yester. Besides, it's not like you were wrong, y'know. I did get kicked outta school. I'm just wacky that way!
Joyce: Still, I just want you to know that, despite the problems you've had, I really..
Buffy: Mom, you just don't get it. And, believe me, you don't want it. Y'know, there are just some things about being a Vampire Slayer that the older generation...
Joyce: A what?
Buffy: It's a... long story
Joyce: Buffy, are you feeling well?
Buffy: What? Oh, I'm, I'm fine, y'know? What, like, I can't be in a good mood? Is it, like, a new house rule? Fine, y'know? It's just fine, fine, fine, 'cause... I'm a macho, macho man! I want to be a macho man! Macho, macho man! I want to be a macho man!

Buffy: Willow! Xander! My buds are here! I love my buds! Hi! Hi... Oh..
Xander: (to Willow) Is it me, or is Buffy a bit looped?
Willow: It's not her fault!
Xander: She's on medication
Buffy: What?
Joy: Well, obviously not enough. Who's our next alternate? Oh. Amy, you just made cheerleader
Buffy: No, no, no. You don't want her, she's a wi..
Xander quickly puts his hand over Buffy's mouth
Xander: A wise choice indeed!
Buffy: She's a witchy!

Buffy: I just got kicked off the team, didn't I?
Xander: I don't think it was your fault
Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend! Do you have any idea why I love you so, Xander?
Willow: We gotta to get her to a..
Xander: Let her speak!
Buffy: I'll tell you! You're not like other boys at all
Xander: Well..
Buffy: You are totally, and completely one of the girls! (to Willow) I'm that comfy with him

Giles: Well I, I've been researching that, and, uh, we can reverse all the spells if, um... ...we can just lay our hands on, on Amy's spell book
Willow: And if we can't get a hold of it?
Giles: Well, the other way is to cut the witch's head off
Xander: Show of hands!

Willow: W-wait! I-I-I need to talk to you, I-I can help you
Amy: Help me? With what?
Willow: Uh, well, y'know, all your witchcraft! I, I know this really good cauldron. Do you actually ride a broom?

Catherine: That body was mine! Mine!
Buffy: Oh, grow up!

Xander: I got her! I got her! Cut her head off!
Buffy: Xander, what are you doing?
Xander: Saving you?
Buffy: Get your hands off of her
Xander: But she's evil
Giles: It wasn't exactly her
Amy: I was my mom
Xander: Oh! (releases her) Now Willow comes running in, too, wielding a bat
Willow: Where is she?!
Xander: Uh, hey Willow! It's cool!
Willow: It is?
Xander: Yeah, I took care of it
Cordelia: Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate. Hold it, wait... No I'm not!
Amy: Well, I know that I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms.
Cordelia: Ooo, these grapes are sour!
Amy: I'm just happy to have my body back I'm thinking of getting fat
Buffy: Y'know, I hear that look's in for spring

TEACHER'S PET
Dr. Gregory: Miss Summers.
Buffy: Ways that ants communicate.
Dr. Gregory: (nodding his head) Mm.
Buffy: With other ants.
Dr. Gregory: From the homework.
Willow tries to get Buffy's attention.
Dr. Gregory: Ants are communicating...
Buffy: (sees Willow's signals) Um, uh, uh...
Willow strokes Xander's back, indicating 'touch'.
Buffy: Touch...
Dr. Gregory: (nodding) Mm-hm.
Buffy: And, um...
She looks at Willow again. She is sniffing Xander, indicating 'smell'.
Buffy: (confused) B.O.?
Blayne: Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that!

Dr. Gregory: Can't wait to see what you're gonna do here. Buffy: Destructo Girl. That's me.
Dr. Gregory: But I suspect it's gonna be great.
Buffy: You mean, 'great' in a bad way?

Blayne: She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Xander: Something like a lobotomy?
Blayne: Xander. How many times you score?
Xander: Well, uh...
Blayne: It's just a question.
Xander: Are we talking today, or the whole week?
Blayne snickers. Xander sees Buffy and Willow entering.
Xander: Ooo! Duty calls!
He approaches the girls as Blayne and his friend look on.
Xander: Babes!
The girls look back at him. He comes up to them and grabs them both around the shoulders.
Buffy: What are you doing?
Xander: Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual.
Willow: (throws her arms around him) We'll show him!
Xander looks back at Blayne, gives him a thumbs up and puts his arm back around Willow.
Buffy: (looking away, distracted) I don't believe it.
Xander: I know, and after all my conquests.

Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow: You think he's buff?
Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?

Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
Angel: I won't be long.
Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?

Xander: Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!

Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!

Giles: That's all he said? Fork Guy?
Buffy: That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.

Giles: God, every day here is the same.
Buffy: Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment?

Xander: Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo, those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look.
Buffy: What happened, is he sick?
Xander: They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing.
Buffy: He's missing?
Xander: Well, let me think. Um, the cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got... Yeah! Yeah, they said missing.

Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.

Natalie: The praying mantis is a fascinating creature. Forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy?
Buffy: Well, the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.

Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.

Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism...Miss French. You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Buffy: Oh, I understand.
Xander: Good!
Buffy: The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements!
Xander: What surgical improvements?
Willow: Well, he is young.
Buffy: And so terribly innocent!
Xander: Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.

Blayne: Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right, tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call natural selection.

Xander: Guess it's what they call a rehearsal!

Cordelia: Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily... I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath.

Xander: This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head?
Willow: Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.

Xander: So there's something else out there? Besides Silverwareman? Oh, this is fun, we're on Monster Island.

Giles: You went hunting last night.
Buffy: Yes.
Giles: When you assured me you wouldn't.
Buffy: Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person, let's move on.

Buffy: And I saw something else. Something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire.
Giles: Oh?
Buffy: Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Giles: Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a, a common, extremely well proportioned way.
Buffy: Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night, and Miss Well Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
Giles: He what? Ran away?
Buffy: He was petrified.
Giles: Of Miss French?
Buffy: Uh, huh! So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... How many things am I afraid of?
Giles: Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.

Mr. Flutie: We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up, and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching, this school is sensitive to wrong touching.

Cordelia: I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces? Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!

Natalie: Oh, Hi! I was just grabbing a snack. Can I fix you something?
Xander: No thanks, I never... eat when I'm making egg sacks.

Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.

Buffy: Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' Ha! Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Willow: Well, Miss French is sort of big. For a bug?
Giles: And she is, by and large, woman shaped.
Buffy: Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
Willow: It's the shoulder pads.
Buffy: Exactly.

Giles: If you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter. On a helpful note, I had a chum at Oxford, Carlyle, advanced degrees in entomology mythology.
Buffy: Entomawho?
Giles: Bugs and fairy tales.
Buffy: I knew that.

Buffy: Autopsy on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figures out these marks that I saw on his corpse... I'm thinking they were teeth. And, uh, these cuddlies? Should definitely be brushing after every meal.

Giles: Um, this computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow: Entirely!
Buffy: Of course!
Giles: Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Buffy: Good idea.

Buffy: So, how'd it go with Miss French?
Xander: Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through.
Buffy: Xander, she's not what she seems.
Xander: I know, she's so much more.

Xander: She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway? Buffy: What does that have to do with...
Xander: Nothing! It just kinda bugs me.

Natalie: Should I change? Is, is this too...
Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.

Natalie: I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber!
Xander: I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting Schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.

Natalie: Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander: You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Natalie: You know what I mean.
Xander: Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um...Yeah, there was, uh... several! I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh.

Xander: Oh! Well, needs should, uh, y'know... Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day, or...

Giles: Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him, and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!

Willow: Got it! Coroner's report, complete with... Yuk! ...color pictures.

Buffy: Huh! It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're...
Willow: No, no, no! See? Xander's, I like his head! I-it's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile...

Giles: I-I understand, Carlyle. Yes... I-I'll take every precaution. Uh, absolutely, i-i-it sounds exactly like the creature you described. Y-you were right all along about everything. Well, n-no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a pekinese, but... uh... Try to rest, old man. Yes... Ta! Bye now!

Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably...
Willow: ...gonna die!

Buffy: Well, your buddy Carlyle faced it, and he's still around.
Giles: Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Buffy: Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops!

Buffy: And you need to record bat sonar, and fast!
Giles: Bat sonar, right. What?
Buffy: Bats eat them. The mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey.
Giles: Where am I gonna find the...
Buffy: In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home, go!

Giles: Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled.

Willow: According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in 1907. She's, like, 90 years old!
Giles: And extremely well preserved!

Miss French: Hello, dear! I thought I heard... Are you selling something? Because I'd like to help you out, but... You see, I'm on a fixed income.
Buffy: I'm looking for Miss French.
Miss French: I'm Miss French.
Buffy: Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher?
Miss French: Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972.
Buffy: I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere!
Miss French: No, dear! I'm right here!

Willow: What do we do now?
Giles: Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind.

Xander: Can I just say one thing? HEEEELLLLP! HEEEELLLLP!

Xander: Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you!

Willow: I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander: What?
Willow: I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Blayne: Flag down on that play, babe. I am not...
Giles: Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. Uh, she only preys on the pure.
Xander: Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
Blayne: My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Xander: Blayne! Shut up!
Willow: I don't think it's bad, I think it's really...
Xander holds up the machete.
Willow: ...sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again.

NEVER KILL A BOY ON THE FIRST DATE
Buffy: We haven't been properly introduced. (pulls out a stake) I'm Buffy, and you're history!

Buffy: Giles, don't mention it. It was my pleasure to make the world safe for humanity again.

Buffy: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score!

Giles: What do you want?
Owen: A book?
Giles: Oh!
Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
Owen: I lost my Emily. Dickinson. It's dumb, but I like her around. Kind of a security blanket.
Buffy: I have something like that. Well, it's an actual blanket. Uh, and I don't really carry it around anym-more... So! Emily Dickens, huh? She's great!
Owen: Dickinson.
Buffy: She's good also.

Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We're both fans.
Giles: Yes, uh, she's quite a good poet, I mean for a...
Buffy: A girl?
Giles: For an American.
Owen: I'll, uh, see you in math... if I open my eyes at some point.

Buffy: That was Owen!
Giles: Yes, I remember.
Buffy: Do you have any more copies of Emily Dickinson? I need one.
Giles: Buffy, while the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday, I think we should focus on the problem at hand.
Buffy: Right. I'm sorry, you're right. Vampires. Oh. Does this outfit make me look fat?

Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious... He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him.

Xander: Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is?
Buffy: Hmm, I'm avoiding the subject.
Xander: I think it's kale, or possibly string cheese. So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
Buffy: Xander!
Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go? No, I don't mean that either.
Buffy: It went fine, thank you. There's some new hoidy-toidy vampire sect in town.
Willow: That's bad.
Xander: Well, hey, they're bringing in the much needed tourist dollars.

Cordelia: Owen, a bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze tonight. You there?
Owen: Who's all going?
Cordelia: Well, um, I'm gonna be there.
Owen: Who else?
Cordelia: You mean besides me?
Owen: Buffy, what about you?
Buffy: What?
Cordelia: No, no, no! She, uh, she doesn't like fun.

Buffy: Well, we'll be ready whenever it is.
Giles: Which is tonight.
Buffy: Tonight, okay... Not okay! It can't be tonight!
Giles: My calculations are precise.
Buffy: Nuh! They're bad calculations! Bad!
Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Buffy: Owen!
Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master.
Buffy: But... Cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!

Giles: Perhaps I miscalculated.
Buffy: I'm thinking yes.
Giles: Well, you know what they say. 90% of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
Buffy: You couldn't have told me that 90% ago?

Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'

Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, 'Sorry I was late, I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass?'
Xander: Or flat tire?
Buffy: I can't take this anymore. I feel like everyone is staring at me, the big, hideous, dateless monster. What? Yeah, that's right, I have no life, c'mon, nothin' to see here, pal, move it along!
Xander: You're acting a little overly, aren't you? I mean, you could have any guy in school.
Buffy: He's not any guy. He's more... Oweny.
Xander: Sure, he's got a certain Owenosity, but that's not hard to find. I mean, a lotta guys read. I can read.

Owen: W-where were you last night?
Buffy: Oh. Well, um, my watch broke and we don't have any clocks in our house and so I didn't know what time it was or even what day it was...

Buffy: Tonight? Y-you and me?
Owen: Well, we could invite the chess club, but they drink and they start fights...

Owen: Great! I'll pick you up at seven?
Buffy: Um, seven!
Owen: That's when the little hand's there.
Buffy: Oh! Between the six and the eight.
Owen: Um, I'll see you then!
Buffy: Tonight! Isn't that so?
Xander: What?
Buffy: Me and Owen!
Xander: Yeah, so it is. It sure is so.

Buffy: So tonight's looking slow, right? Probably best to relax and regroup, no big disasters coming, that is so good, I will see you tomorrow then! Bye!
Giles: She is the strangest girl.

Buffy: (to Xander) Okay, (Willow holds up one minidress) do I wanna appear shy, coy and naive or (Willow holds up the other) unrestrained, insatiable and aggressive?
Xander: Uh, y'know, Owen is a little home spun, he probably doesn't like that overly assertive look. Oh, hey, here's something. A nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap! The ear flaps will bring out your eyes!
Buffy: Maybe I should mix and match. Okay, guy's opinion. Which one do you think Owen will like better? (holds up two lipsticks) The red or the peach?
Xander: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine.
Buffy: Thanks. I'll go with the peach.

Willow: So, where's he taking you?
Buffy: Oh, I don't know. Where do you suppose young kids go on dates these days?
Willow: Well, I read somewhere once that sometimes they go to movies.
Buffy: Movies! Interesting!
Willow: And I saw on TV once, a bunch of people our age went to a party.
Buffy: Wow! I never knew being a teenager was so full of possibilities!

Giles: Another date? Don't you ever do anything else?
Buffy: This is the first date! There's never been a date, okay? This is my maiden voyage!

Owen: What, she doesn't like to dance?
Xander: Well, it's a little too late to do anything about that. Uh, you should probably know that Buffy doesn't like to be kissed. Actually she doesn't like to be touched.
Willow: Xander...
Xander: As a matter of fact, don't even look at her.

Buffy: We don't even know if this is anything.
Giles: No, we don't.
Buffy: And I haven't had a day off in a while.
Giles: True...
Buffy: And a cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer!
Giles: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best.
Buffy: This is the 90's. The 1990's, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date.
Giles: Well, I, I suppose it was a fairly slim lead...
Buffy: Thank you, thank you, thank you! And look, I won't go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me.

Willow: This is bad.
Xander: I wish it was just bad.
Willow: We should... go along.
Xander: Yeah, you're right. I don't trust that Owen guy. It's the eyes. Crazy!
Willow: Xander, we should go with Giles! He could get in trouble!
Xander: Oh, he's gone, uh, it's, he's gonna be alright. He's like super librarian, y'know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.

Cordelia: (sees Buffy and Owen dancing) Aren't there laws against this sort of thing? Owen! Look at you, here all alone...
Owen: Cordelia, I'm here with Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh! Okay. Do you wanna dance?
Owen: No, I'm still here with Buffy.
Cordelia: You are so good to help the needy.
Buffy: Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away.
Cordelia: Well, when you're ready for the big leagues, let me know.

Cordelia: What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I've never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh!
Cordelia: (sees Angel enter) Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I'm through with him.
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Cordelia: Why is this happening to me?

Owen: Look at this! You show up everywhere. Interesting.
Xander: You don't know the half of it. What's he doing here?
Angel: I guess it's the same thing you're doin' here.
Buffy: Uh, excuse me, what are any of you doing here?
Xander: Look, we gotta get to, uh... Uhhhh. We thought it'd be fun if, uh, we made this a double date!
Buffy: I didn't know you guys were seeing each other.
Willow: Oh, yeah, well, we knew it would happen eventually, so we figured, hey! Why fight it?
Owen: And you guys are thinking double?
Xander: 'Cause of... ...the fun!

Xander: Hey, maybe we should all go somewhere together.
Buffy: Gee, that's so nice of you to ask, but Owen and I were, well, sort of... Owen and I.
Xander: You know what'd be cool? The Sunnydale Funeral Home!
Willow: I've always wanted to go there!
Buffy: The funeral home?
Owen: Actually, that sounds kinda cool! Do you think we could all sneak in?
Xander: We saw some guys in there before. They seemed to be (to Buffy) having fun!
Buffy: Bite me!

Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning...?
Giles: I hid.

Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.

Owen: I read a lot about death, but... but I've... never really seen a dead body before. Do they... usually move?

Owen: Did you see that? He tried to bite me! What a sissy!

Owen: Does anyone have an aspirin? Or sixty?

Buffy: I'm sure this isn't exactly what you had in mind for our first date.
Owen: Yeah! I was hoping maybe we'd finish at Ben & Jerry's.
Buffy: We still could...
Owen: No, I, I, I think I'll just walk home. Uh, which way's home?

Owen: I don't really know how to say this, but... about last night...
Buffy: You don't even have to. I'm sure you were pretty freaked out.
Owen: Totally. And... I was wondering when I could see you again.
Buffy: Um, that was my hopeful ear. Could you repeat that?

Giles: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one, and his, uh, mother before him, and I was to be next.
Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?
Giles: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer.

Giles: I have volumes of lore, of prophecies, of predictions. But I don't have an instruction manual. We feel our way as we go along. And, I must say, as a Slayer, you're, you're doing... pretty well.
Buffy: Well. At least I did stop that prophecy thing from coming true. Giles: You did! Handily. No more Anointed One. And I would imagine the Master, wherever he is, is having a fairly bad day himself.?

THE PACK
Kyle: Oh, look. It's Buffy and all her friends. Buffy: That's a witty. Tor: Do you ever wonder why nobody cool wants to hang out with you? Buffy: Just thankful.
Xander: We just saw the zebras mating! (nods to Willow) Thank you, very exciting... Willow: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes! Buffy: And I missed it. Yet somehow I'll find the courage to live on. (begins walking) Willow: (follows) Where were you? Buffy: Uh, I was looking at the fishes. Willow: Was it cool? Buffy: It was fishes. Xander: I'm feelin' that you're not in the field trip spirit here. Buffy: Well, it would... It's nothing, I... We do the same zoo trip at my old school every year. Same old, same old. Xander: Buffy, this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals. This is about not being in class! Buffy: (brightens) You know, you're right! Suddenly the animals look shiny and new. Xander: Gotta have perspective.
Mr. Flutie: (sees the commotion) What's going on here? I've had it up to here with you four! What're you doing? Kyle: Nothing. Mr. Flutie: Did I ask you to speak? Okay, I guess I did, but I want the truth. Lance?
Willow: What are Kyle and his buds doing with Lance? Xander: Oh, playing with him as a cat plays with a mouse. Buffy: What is it with those guys? Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally. Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids. Buffy: Yeah, well, I'd better extract Lance before... Xander: (interrupts) I'll handle it. This job doesn't require actual slaying. (goes in) Buffy: You don't think we should follow? Willow: Kyle and those guys are jerks, but they're all talk. Mostly. Buffy: Why don't we... Willow: Yeah, why don't we?
Willow: I thought Xander would be here by now. Buffy: Hmm, that'd make him on time. We couldn't have that!
Buffy: I didn't notice anything. (they sit) But then again I'm not as hyperaware of him as, oh, say, for example, you. Willow: Hyperaware? Buffy: Well, I'm not constantly monitoring his health, his moods, his blood pressure... Willow: 130 over 80! Buffy: (amused) You got it bad, girl! Willow: He makes my head go tingly. You know what I mean? Buffy: I dimly recall. Willow: But it hasn't happened to you lately? Buffy: Not of late. Willow: Not even for a dangerous and mysterious older man whose leather jacket you're wearing right now? Buffy: (in mock annoyance) Goes with the shoes! Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does. Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking... (gets a look from Willow) ...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey...
Xander: What is this crap? Buffy: Well, it was my buttery croissant. Xander: Man, I need some food! Birds live on this!
Buffy: Okay, now what? Xander: You took a bath. Buffy: Yeah, I-I often do, I'm actually known for it. Xander: That's okay. Willow and Buffy exchange another look. Buffy: And the weird behavior award goes to...
Giles: Right! (Buffy stops short) That's enough training for one day. Buffy: Well, that last roundhouse was kinda sloppy. Are you sure you don't wanna do it again? Giles: (out of breath) No! No, no, that's fine. You just... run along to class. (Buffy goes) (to himself) While I wait for the feeling to return to my arms.
Mr. Flutie: Lordy, Herbert! Gave Mr. Flutie quite a scare, didn't he? Students, I'd like you all to met Herbert, our new mascot for the Sunnydale High Razorbacks! Buffy: He's so cute! Mr. Flutie: He's not cute. No! He's a fierce Razorback! (more clapping) Buffy: He doesn't look mean, Mr. Flutie. Mr. Flutie: He's mean, he's ready for action! See? (indicates Herbert's helmet with foam tusks) Here are the tusks... (gestures at a piece of serrated green foam tied to Herbert's back) the scary Razorback! Buffy: You're right. He's a fine mascot and will engender school spirit. Mr. Flutie: Uh, he better. Costs a fortune to feed him.
Xander: Why do I need to learn this? Willow: 'Cause otherwise you'll flunk math? Xander: Explain the part where that's bad. (rubs the bridge of his nose) Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, 'Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?'
Mr. Flutie: See, the problem is you kids today have no school spirit. Hold on, let me get his outfit off. (removes it) Today it's all gangs and drugs and those movies on Showtime with the nudity. (Buffy gives him a look) I don't have cable, I only heard. When I was your age we cared about the school's reputation and the football team's record, all that stuff! Of course, when I was your age I was surrounded by old guys telling me how much better things were when they were my age.
Coach Harrold: Alright, it's raining, all regular gym classes have been postponed, so you know what that means: (holds up a large rubber ball) dodgeball! Now, for those of you that may have forgotten, the rules are as follows: you dodge.
Coach Harrold: God, this game is brutal. I love it!
Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate? Buffy: Uh-huh. Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor? Buffy: Yes. Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles. Buffy: It's bad, isn't it. Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to kill him. Buffy: Giles, I'm serious. Giles: So am I. Except for the part about killing him. Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons. He will, however, get over it. Buffy: (exasperated) I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. (grabs some books) Get your books! Look stuff up! Giles: (takes the books) Look under what? Buffy: I don't know. (exhales) That's your department.
Willow: What're you gonna do? Giles: Get my books. Look stuff up.
Rhonda: How is Herbert? Heidi: Crunchy! Mr. Flutie: That's it! My office, right now. (they laugh more) Now! You're gonna have so much detention, your grandchildren'll be staying after school.
Buffy: Wow! Apparently Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats. Willow: Hyenas aren't well liked. Buffy: They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom. (comes over to Willow) Willow: Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy or, or some ducks?
Buffy: He tried his hand at felony sexual assault. Willow: Oh, Buffy, the hyena in him didn't... Buffy: No. (they arrange him on the floor of the cage) No, but it's safe to say that in his animal state his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD and a bottle of Chianti.
Giles: The rest of the pack were spotted outside Herbert the mascot's cage. They were sent to the principal's office. Willow: Good! That'll show 'em. (Giles is silent) Did it show 'em? Giles exhales but remains silent, searching for what to say. Buffy: They didn't hurt him, did they? Giles: They, uh... ate him. Willow has to sit down. She and Buffy can't believe what they just heard. Buffy: They ate Principal Flutie? Willow: Ate him up?
Buffy: Giles, how do we stop this? How do you trans-possess someone? Giles: I-I'm afraid I still don't have all the pieces. Um, the accounts of the Primals and their methods are a bit thin on the ground. There is some talk of a-a-a predatory act, but the exact ritual is, is, um... (picks up a book) The Malleus Maleficarum deals in particulars of demonic possession, which... may apply... (looks through a few pages) Yes, one, one should be able to transfer the spirits to another human. Buffy: Oh, that's great. Any volunteers? Giles: Oh. Good point.
Buffy: Didn't your mom teach you? (Xander hears her) Don't play with your food.
Willow: I heard the vice-principal's taking over till they can find a replacement. Buffy: It shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.
Xander: I ate a pig? Was it cooked and called bacon or... (covering his face) Oh, my God! I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuk!
Willow: You saved my life. Xander: Hey! Nobody messes with my Willow. (gives her a hug) Buffy looks on and smiles. Willow smiles, too. Buffy: This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.
Willow: (to Xander) See you at lunch. Xander: Cool! Oh, hey, goin' vegetarian! Huh?
Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards. Xander: Did you tell them that? Giles: (leans to Xander's ear) Your secret dies with me. Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
ANGEL
Darla: (makes her way down) Let me do it, Master. Let me kill her for you. Master: You have a personal interest in this. Darla: I don't get to have any fun.
Willow: Ah, the fumigation party. Cut to Buffy and Willow sitting at a table. Buffy: Hmm? Willow: It's an annual tradition. The closing of the Bronze for a few days to nuke the cockroaches? Buffy: (not paying attention) Oh. Willow: It's a lot of fun... What's it like where you are?
Willow: So, we're talking about a guy? Buffy: Not exactly a guy. For us to have a conversation about a guy, there'd have to be a guy for us to have a conversation about. Is that a sentence? Willow: (smiles) You lack a guy. Buffy: I do. Which is fine with me, most of the time, but... Willow: What about Angel? Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'
Xander: Hey, Annie! (sees her boyfriend) Dino, just leaving! He backs away and bumps into Cordelia. Cordelia: Ouch! Please get your extreme oafishness off my two-hundred-dollar shoes! Xander: I'm sorry, I was just... Cordelia: ...getting off the dance floor before Annie Vega's boyfriend squashes you like a bug? Xander: Oh, so you noticed. Cordelia: Uh-huh. Xander: Yeah, thanks for being so understanding. Cordelia: Sure. Xander: Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker! (laughs)
Xander: Boy, that Cordelia is a regular breath of vile air. What are you vixens up to? Willow: Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh, look, a cockroach. Xander: Whoa, well, let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun! I'm dizzy! Buffy: Alright, now I'm infecting those nearest and dear to me. I'm gonna call it a night. (gets up)
Buffy: Well, then why don't you go upstairs and get into bed, and I can bring you some hot tea? Joyce: That's sweet! (suspicious) What'd you do? Buffy: Can't a daughter just be concerned about her mother?
Angel: Look, I don't wanna get you in any more trouble... Buffy: And I don't wanna get you dead. They could still be out there. (moves to the center of the room) So, uh, oh... two of us, one bed. That doesn't work. (faces him) Um, why don't you take the bed? Y'know, you're wounded... Angel: I'll take the floor. Buffy: Uh, no, that's not... Angel: Oh, believe me, I've had worse.
Angel: (pauses) Y-you even look pretty when you go to sleep. Buffy: Well, when I wake up it's an entirely different story.
Buffy: Angel? Angel: Hmm? Buffy: Do you snore? Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.
Xander: He spent the night? In your room? In your bed? Buffy: Not in my bed, by my bed. Willow: That is so romantic! Did you, uh... I mean, did he, uh... Buffy: (smiling) Perfect gentleman. The girls exchange smiles. Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book. Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs? Xander: Duh! I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I-I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath. (smiles) Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.
Willow: (to Giles) How is it you always know this stuff? You always know what's going on. I never know what's going on. Giles: Well, you weren't here from midnight until six researching it. Willow: No, I was sleeping.
Buffy: Cool! Crossbow! (lifts it out, sees the bolts) Huh. Check out these babies. (takes out a bolt) Hmm. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. What can I shoot? Giles: Um, nothing. The crossbow comes later. He takes the crossbow from her and goes to put it back. Buffy is disappointed. Giles: You must first become proficient with the basic tools of combat. (Buffy looks bored) And let's begin... (comes back with two poles) ...with the quarterstaff. Which, incidentally, will, uh, require countless hours of vigorous training. (hands her one) I speak from experience. Buffy: Giles, 20th Century? I'm not gonna be fighting Friar Tuck. Giles: You never know with whom or what you'll be fighting. (puts on his head pads) And these traditions have been handed down through the ages. (grabs his staff) Now, you show me good, steady progress with the quarterstaff, and in due course we'll discuss the crossbow. Put on your pads. Buffy: (laughs) I'm not gonna need pads to fight you. Giles: Well, we'll see about that. En garde! Buffy demolishes Giles with the quarterstaff. Giles: (stunned) Good. Let's move on to the crossbow.
Buffy: My diary? You read my diary? (goes to put it in a drawer) That is not okay! A diary is like a person's most private place! (comes back to him) I... You don't even know what I was writing about! 'Hunk' can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when it says that your eyes are 'penetrating', I meant to write 'bulging'. Angel: Buffy... Buffy: And 'A' doesn't even stand for 'Angel' for that matter, it stands for... 'Achmed', a charming foreign exchange student, so that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you at all... Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear. She just looks at him. Buffy: Oh! (looks down, realizing what she just said) Oh.
Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?! Cordelia: What?! He looks at Cordelia. She's looking somewhere else, but turns to him. Xander: (to Cordelia) Not vampire... (to Buffy) How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
Cordelia: Where did you get that dress? (pursues her) This is a one-of-a-kind Todd Oldham. Do you know how much this dress cost? Is this a knockoff? (checks the label) This is a knockoff, isn't it?! Some cheesy knockoff! This is exactly what happens when you sign these free trade agreements!
Darla: Hi. It's been a while. Angel: A lifetime. Darla: Or two, but who's counting? Angel: What's with the Catholic schoolgirl look? Last time I saw you it was kimonos. Darla: And last time I saw you it wasn't high school girls. (flares the skirt) Don't cha like? (approaches Angel) Remember Budapest? Turn of the century? You were such a bad boy during that earthquake. Angel: You did some damage yourself. Darla: Is there anything better than a natural disaster? (walks away) The panic. The people lost in the streets. It's like picking fruit off the vine. (reaches the bed) Nice! You're living above ground, like one of them. You and your new friend are attacking us, like one of them. (walks to the window) But guess what, precious? You're not one of them.
Willow: (to Buffy) That musta been so embarrassing when you thought he had read your diary, but then it turned out he hadn't, but then he felt the same way... (Xander gives her a look) I'm listening.
Giles: There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face. Buffy: They got that right. Xander: (clears his throat) I'm not saying anything, I have nothing to say. Giles: Does this, uh, Angel have, um, a tattoo behind his right shoulder? Buffy: Yeah, it's a, it's a bird or something. Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?
Willow: So he is a good vampire! I mean, on a scale of one to ten, ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, and one being someone who's... not.
Willow: Reconstruction began when? (looks up) Buffy? Buffy: Huh? (comes back to earth) Oh! Um, reconstruction... Uh, reconstruction began after the... construction, which was... shoddy, so they had to reconstruct. Willow: After the destruction of the Civil War. Buffy: Right. Civil War. During which Angel was already, like, a hundred and change... Willow: Are we gonna talk about boys, or are we gonna help you pass history? Buffy looks up at Willow. She closes the book. Willow: Sometimes I have this fantasy that Xander's just gonna grab me and kiss me right on the lips. (huge smile) Buffy: You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl! Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness and sweaty palms. Darla peeks out from behind the stacks. Willow: Okay, so here's something I gotta know. When Angel kissed you... I mean before he turned into... how was it? Buffy: (smiles) Unbelievable! Darla continues to watch and listen. Willow: Wow! And it is kinda novel how he'll stay young and handsome forever, although you'll still get wrinkly and die, and... Oh, and what about the children? (Buffy looks at her) I'll be quiet now.
Darla: (comes in) It's very nice of you to invite me into your home. (smiles) Joyce: You're welcome. I've been wrestling with the IRS all night. Would you like something to eat? (starts to the kitchen) Darla: (follows) Yes, I would! She looks at Joyce's neck. Cut to the kitchen. Joyce: Let's see what we have. Do you feel like something little or something big? Darla: (vamped out) Something big!
Joyce: I guess I slipped and cut my neck on... The doctor said it looked like a barbecue fork. (looks at Buffy) We don't have a barbecue fork. (looks at Giles) Are you another doctor? Buffy: (looks to see) Oh! Um... No, Mom, this is Mr. Giles. Joyce: Oh, the librarian from your school! (confused) What's he doing here? Giles: Uh, I-I just came to pay my respects, wish you a speedy recovery. Joyce: Boy, the teachers really do care in this town.
Joyce: It's important to have teachers who make an impression. Giles: She makes quite an impression herself. Joyce: I-I know she's having trouble with history. I-is it too difficult for her or is she not applying herself? Giles: She lives very much in the now, um, and, uh, history, of course, is, is very much about the, uh... the then.
Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart. Buffy: What changed? Angel: Fed on a girl about your age... beautiful... dumb as a post... but a favorite among her clan. Buffy: Her clan? Angel: Romany. Gypsies. The elders conjured the perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul. Buffy: What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is? Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit? Darla: To love someone who used to love you. Buffy: (looks at Angel) You guys were involved? Darla: For several generations. Buffy: Well, you been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few ex's. You're older than him, right? Just between us girls, you are looking a little worn around the eyes.
Xander: Ah, the post-fumigation party. Buffy: Okay, so what's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party? Xander: Much hardier cockroaches.
I ROBOT YOU JANE
Giles: Uh, when I've examined it, you can, uh, uh, skim it. Ms. Calendar: Scan it, Rupert. That's scan it. Giles: (gives her a look) Of course. Ms. Calendar: Oh, I know, our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20th century. With three whole years to spare! Giles: Ms. Calendar, I'm sure your computer science class is fascinating, but I happen to believe that one can survive in modern society without being a slave to the, um, idiot box. Ms. Calendar: That's TV. The idiot box is TV. This (indicates a computer) is the good box! Giles: I still prefer a good book. Fritz: The printed page is obsolete. (stands up) Information isn't bound up anymore. It's an entity. The only reality is virtual. If you're not jacked in, you're not alive. (grabs his books and leaves) Ms. Calendar: Thank you, Fritz, for making us all sound like crazy people. (to Giles) Fritz, Fritz comes on a little strong, but he does have a point. You know, for the last two years more e-mail was sent than regular mail. Giles: Oh... Ms. Calendar: More digitized information went across phone lines than conversation. Giles: That is a fact that I regard with genuine horror.
Willow: Xander, you wanna stay and help me? Xander: Are you kidding? Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up. Xander: Willow, I love you, but bye!
Willow: Oh, Buffy, I didn't even see you. Buffy: Or hear me. What was up last night? I tried your line, like, a million times. Willow: Oh, I was, I was talking. Buffy: Talking to...? (no answer) Okay, that's it, you have a secret, and that's not allowed. Willow: Why not? (opens her locker) Buffy: 'Cause... there's a rule. Willow: Well, I sort of met someone. Buffy: I knew it! This is so important! When did you meet? Willow: Last week after we did the scanning project in the library? (closes her locker) Buffy: Does he go here? What's his name? Have you kissed him? What's he like? Willow: No, Malcolm, no, and very nice. Buffy: You are a thing of evil for not telling me this right away!
Buffy: So, you've been seeing a guy, and you don't know what he looks like? Okay, this is a puzzle. No, wait, I'm good at these. Does it involve a midget and a block of ice? Willow: I met him on-line. Buffy: On line for what?
Buffy: Uh, Willow, I think it's really great that you have this cool pen pal, but don't you think you're kinda rushing all into this? Y'know what I mean? Willow: 'I'm thinking of you, too!' No, that's incredibly stupid! Buffy: Will, down girl!
Willow: Why does everything have to be about looks? Buffy: Not everything, but some stuff is. I mean, what if you guys get really, really intense, and then you find out that he... has... a hairy back?
Xander: Hup, guess who? Willow: Uh, Xander? Xander: Yeah, but keep guessing anyway. Willow: Xander. Xander: (takes his hand from her eyes) Oh, I can't fool ya, you see right through my petty charade. We goin' to the Bronze tonight? Willow: (smiles) Not me, I think I'm gonna call it an early night. Xander: Oh, Malcolm, right? (Willow smiles and nods) Yeah, I heard. But you're gonna be missin' out. I'm plannin' to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me.
Buffy: She certainly looks perky. Xander: Yeah, color in the cheeks, bounce in the step... I don't like it. It's not healthy. (faces her) So, are you goin' to the Bronze tonight? Oh, probably not, you probably have some vampire slaying or some lame endeavor like that, don't you? Everyone deserts me.
Buffy: You're jealous. Xander: Of what? Buffy: Willow's got a thang, and Xander's left hanging. Xander: Oh, that's meaningless drivel. I'm not interested in Willow like that. Buffy: Yeah, but you got used to being the Belle of the Ball. Xander: No, it's just... this Malcolm guy? What's his deal? I mean, tell me you're not slightly wigged. Buffy: Okay, slightly. I mean, just not knowing what he's really like. Xander: Or who he really is. I mean, sure he says he's a high school student, but I can say I'm a high school student. Buffy: You are. Xander: Okay, but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman. Get me? I mean, who's to say I'm not if I'm in the elderly Dutch chat room? Buffy: (making light) I get your point! (gets his point) I get your point. Oh, this guy could be anybody. He could be weird, or crazy, or old, or... He could be a circus freak. He's probably a circus freak! Xander: Yeah. I mean, we read about it all the time. Y'know, people meet on the 'Net, they talk, they get together, have dinner, a show, horrible ax murder. Buffy: Willow ax murdered by a circus freak... Okay, okay, what do we do? (realizes her paranoia) What are we doing? Xander, you get me started! We are totally overreacting! Xander: But it's fun, isn't it?
Buffy: Whoa! You're the late girl. Willow: I overslept. Buffy: Till fifth period? Talkin' to Malcolm last night? Willow: Yeah. (sees Buffy's look) What? Buffy: Nothing. Willow: You're having an expression. Buffy: I'm not. But if I was, it'd be saying, 'This just isn't like you.'
Buffy: Well, you're a computer geek... genius, and, uh, I sort of have a technical problem. If I wanted to find out something about someone, i-if someone e-mailed me, could I trace the letter? Dave: Well, you could pull up somebody's profile based on their user name. Buffy: But they write the profile themselves, right? And so they could say anything they wanted. Dave: True. Buffy: Wow! I had knowledge!
Buffy: I'm telling you, something is going on. It's not just Willow. Dave, Fritz, they're all wicked jumpy. Giles: Those boys aren't sparklingly normal as it is. Buffy: Giles, trust me. Giles: I-I do! I-I-I really don't know how to advise you. Things involved with a computer fill me with a childlike terror. Now, if it were a nice ogre or some such I'd be more in my element. Well, I-I suppose you could, um, tail Dave, see if he's up to something. Buffy: Follow Dave? What, in dark glasses and a trench coat? Please. I can work this out myself.
Buffy: It said CRD. But, I couldn't get close enough to see what it was. Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. (gets stares from the others) What, I can't have information sometimes? Giles: Well, it-it's just somewhat unprecedented. Xander: Well, my uncle used to work there. I-in a floor sweeping capacity.
Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling. Giles: Your... spider sense? Buffy: Pop culture reference. Sorry.
Ms. Calendar: Hmm. (to Buffy and Xander) You're here again? Kids really dig the library, don't cha? Buffy: We're literary! Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. Buffy: We'll be going now. (grabs Xander and turns to leave) Giles: Uh, w-we'll, uh, continue this conversation at another time. Buffy: I think we're done. (they leave) (to Xander) Makes our speaking English is good? Xander: I panicked, okay?
Ms. Calendar: Oh, you are a big snob. You, you think that knowledge should be kept in these carefully guarded repositories where only a handful of white guys can get at it. Giles: Nonsense! I simply don't adhere to a, a knee-jerk assumption that because something is new, it's better. Ms. Calendar: This isn't a fad, Rupert! We are creating a new society here. Giles: A society in which human interaction is all but obsolete? In which people can be completely manipulated by technology, well, well... Thank you, I'll pass. Ms. Calendar: Well, (ahem) I think you'll be very happy here with your musty, old books. (opens Moloch's book) Giles: These musty old books have a great deal more to say than in any of your... fabulous web pages. Ms. Calendar: Hmm. (pages through the empty book) This one doesn't have a whole lot more to say.
Giles: Uh, nothing, um, a, a diary, yes. I imagine that's what it is. (pauses to think) Well, it's been so nice talking to you. (heads to his office with the book) Ms. Calendar: We were fighting. Giles: Must do it again sometime, yes... Bye, now.
Buffy: Tell me the truth: how's my hair? Xander: It's great! It's your best hair ever! (smiles) Giles: Uh, oh, yes.
Giles: Does this look familiar to either of you? Buffy: Yeah, sure. Looks like a book. Xander: I knew that one.
Xander: You released Moloch? Buffy: Way to go! Giles: I didn't read it! That dreadful Calendar woman found it and, and it was already blank.
Xander: Are we overreacting? He's in a computer! What can he do? Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world? Giles: Randomize traffic signals. Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles. Giles: Destroy the world's economy. Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing. Giles: Right, yours was best.
Ms. Calendar: The first thing we have to do is form the circle of Kayless. Right? Giles: Form a circle? But there's only two of us. That's really more of a line.
Giles: Couldn't you just stop Moloch by, by entering some computer virus? Ms. Calendar: You've seen way too many movies.
Ms. Calendar: (smiles) Well, look who's here! Welcome to my world. (with a bit of an attitude) You scared? Giles: I'm remaining calm, thank you. Uh, I just wanted to, uh, return this. (holds up a small curly earring) I found it among the new books, and naturally I thought of you. Ms. Calendar: Cool. Thanks. (takes it) Giles: Uh, well, I'll, I'll see you anon. (begins to go) Ms. Calendar: Can't get outta here fast enough, can you? Giles: (comes back in) Truthfully, I'm even less anxious to be around computers than I used to be. Ms. Calendar: Well, it was your book that started all the trouble, not a computer. Giles is at a loss. Ms. Calendar: Honestly, what is it about them that bothers you so much? Giles: The smell. Ms. Calendar: Computer's don't smell, Rupert. Giles: I know! Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a, a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences... long forgotten. Books smell. Musty and, and, and, and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer, is, uh, it... it has no, no texture, no, no context. It's, it's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then, then the getting of knowledge should be, uh, tangible, it should be, um... smelly. Ms. Calendar: Well! You really are an old-fashioned boy, aren't you? Giles: Well, I-I don't dangle a corkscrew from my ear. Ms. Calendar: That's not where I dangle it.
Xander: We gonna go to the Bronze tonight? We three? Buffy: It'll be fun! Xander: Yeah, Willow, fun? Remember fun? That thing where you smile? (smiles)
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire. Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis? (goofy smile) Willow: That's true. (smiles) Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth. Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship. Xander: We're doomed!
THE PUPPET SHOW
Cordelia: Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I decided long ago...never to walk in anyone's shadow. (cut to Cordelia) If I fail, if I succeed, at least... Giles: (interrupts) Thank you, Cordelia. Tha-that's going to be lovely. Cordelia: But I didn't do the part with the sparklers! Giles: Um, w-we'll, um... save that for the dress rehearsal. (anxious to get rid of her) Uh, Lisa! Please!
Buffy: (draws a breath) If it isn't the great producer! Xander: Had to see this to believe it. Giles: Oh. You three. Buffy: The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment? Giles: Our new Fuehrer, Mr. Snyder. Willow: I think they call 'em 'principals' now. Giles: Mm. He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to (draws a breath) minimize said contact, but, uh, he would have none of it. Buffy: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny. Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped. Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch! Xander: And mock! Willow: And laugh!
Snyder: So. We think school events are stupid, and we think authority figures are to be made fun of. Buffy: No! No, we don't. W-unless you do. Snyder: And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All three of you left campus yesterday. Buffy: Yeah, but we were fighting a demon... Snyder: Fighting? Buffy: Not fighting. Xander: No, we, uh, left to avoid fighting. Snyder: Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people. I think I just found three eager new participants for the talent show. Buffy: What? Xander: No! Willow: Please? Snyder: I've been watching you three. Always getting into one scrape or another. Buffy: Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us... Snyder: (interrupts) My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time. Xander: Can I just mention, that detention is a time-honored form of punishment? Snyder: I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. At.
Buffy: Ewww, dummy! Xander: (sees a mime) Dyow! Mime! Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't? Buffy: Uuuhhh. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little. Willow: What happened? Buffy: I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.
Morgan: C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks. Sid: You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material.
Xander: I, I can't! I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this! Willow: A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show, because it doesn't require an actual talent. Xander: But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy, uh... Buffy: What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage? Willow: Maybe in a funny way! Xander: Willow, you can do stuff. Uh, the piano... Buffy: You play? Willow: A little. Buffy: Well, that's cool. You can accompany us and we can attempt to sing. Willow: Oh, i-in front of other people? Then, no, I don't play... Xander: Whatever happened to corporal punishment?
Willow: Morgan, you're really getting good! Where did you come up with that voice? Morgan: It's kind of an imitation of my dad. Buffy: Sounds real! Sid: It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's dead weight.(to Willow) How about you and I do a little rehearsin' on our own, honey? Xander: Uh, hey! Sid: You know what they say: once you go wood, nothin's as good! Buffy: Okay, Morgan. We get the joke. Horny dummy, ha, ha, it's very funny, but you might wanna consider getting some new schtick. Unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log.
Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?
Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me!(gets looks from them all) It's not, though.
Marc: She was happy. I guess. She was psyched to be doing the show. She was a really good dancer. Here, pick a card. Giles: Uh, um...(reaches for a card) Marc: No, wai-wai-wai-wait. Not that one. Pick this one.
Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend. Xander: Emily.
Cordelia: All I can think is, it coulda been me! Xander: We can dream.
Xander: Okay, next time we split up someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we woulda had another organ donor.
Willow: We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess! Xander: Uh, I should wear a wire! Buffy: Whoa, hey, you guys, all we know is that Morgan is a grade A large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer. Xander: Guy talks to his puppet! Willow: And for his puppet. Buffy: Well, yeah, but what about the whole 'it's a demon' theory? Giles: I'm looking into that, but, uh, my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater. Buffy: Uh, priority check, Giles? Talent show, murder. Xander: Yeah, we can't do the talent show, it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it! Giles: Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that! We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on. Buffy: This is so unfair. Giles: Buffy, you, uh, watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything there. Willow: Like a heart? Giles: Or something. Buffy: Alright. Willow: I'll pull up his locker number. Xander: Can I still wear a wire?
Joyce: Hi, hon. How's it, uh, going with the talent show? Buffy: It'll be over soon. Joyce: It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act. Buffy: Seeing? I-in the sense of actually attending? Joyce: Of course! Buffy: Uh-uh! No, Mom, y-y-you can't! And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright. Joyce: But I wanna support what you're doing! Buffy: Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away.
Cordelia: I don't understand why I... why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band. Giles: Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you. Cordelia: But the mood! It'll be all wrong! My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that Rock and Roll...Uhhh, what? Giles: Oh! I'm sorry. Um, your hair, uh... Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair?...Ohmigod!(quickly leaves) Giles: (to himself) Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this... I think Sid was in my room last night.
Buffy: Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer.
Willow: Well, on the side of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory there is,(sees Morgan go by carrying Sid) well, Morgan.
Cordelia: Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show!
Xander: (manipulating Sid) Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes? Buffy: I really don't think you should be doing that. Xander: What? C'mon...(as Sid) I'm not real! Buffy: (wigged) Xander, quit it! Xander: He's... not... real!(picks Sid back up) I think our demonstration proves that, uh, Sid(knocks on Sid's head several times) is wood. Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is? Giles: I imagine he's looking for his puppet. Buffy: I'll go find Morgan. You watch the dummy. Xander: (as Sid) Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate. Buffy gives Xander another look and goes out the door. Xander: (as Sid) Redrum! Redruuum!
Willow: Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.
Sid: This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee, with his hand up my shirt.
Sid: And you, get 'em all on stage, form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show. Giles: Um, uh, the what? Sid: The power circle. You get everyone together, you get 'em, you know, revved up. Giles: Right.(still confused, but goes) Sid: How'd he ever get that gig?
Cordelia: I, I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up? Giles: Cordelia, there, uh, there-there's, uh, uh, an adage, uh, that, uh, if you're feeling nervous then, uh, you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear. Cordelia: Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin? Uhhh! Giles: Perhaps not.
Sid: You?! You're the Slayer? Damn! I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking muscle tone. Man, we had some times. Hey, that was pre-dummy, alright? Now, I was a guy!
Sid: Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me... Buffy: So, that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it? Sid: Nope! Buffy: Yuk!
Xander: So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Soze'd?
Snyder: I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?
NIGHTMARES
Joyce: Are you alright? Buffy: No. Uh, yeah! Yeah! I'm, I'm fine! Oh...(sits up) School! Great.(gets out of bed) Joyce: You wanna go to school?(stands up) Buffy: Sure! Why not? Joyce: Okay.(opens the blinds) Good day to buy that lottery ticket.
Cordelia: Hello? Doofus!(Wendell looks at her) You're in my light. Xander: Wendell, what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe, and the rest of us merely revolve around her? Cordelia: Why don't you revolve yourselves out of my light?
Xander: (to the girls) Uh, Wendell was in Cordelia's light. Wendell: I'm so ashamed. Willow: Why is she so Evita-like? Buffy: I think it's the hair. Willow: (smiles) It weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex.
Xander: Hey, guys, was there any homework? Willow: We're doing active listening today. Xander: Cool! What's active listening? Willow: That would be the homework.(they sit) Buffy: Chapter five? Active listening?(shows her book) Where you put on your big ears and really focus on the other person? Wendell: Ms. Tishler demonstrated it yesterday. Willow: With you! Buffy: She was wearing that tight sweater? Xander: Oh, the midnight blue angora! See, I was listening.
Willow: Oh, about the spiders, did you talk to Giles about... Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday. Willow: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you? Xander: I'm sorry! I'm unruffled by spiders. Now, if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face...
Xander: Well, the Hellmouth, the center of mystical convergence, supernatural monsters: been there. Buffy: Little blase' there, aren't you? Xander: I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party! Buffy: Thanks for having confidence in me. Xander: You da man, Buff!
Xander: There's nothing to say. You saw two hundred insects, you Gonzoed, anybody would have. Wendell: They're not insects. They're arachnids. Xander: They're from the Middle East?
Willow: (sits) What do you mean, you love spiders? Xander: It is platonic, right?(chuckles)
Doctor: She'll recover. She's got a couple of shattered bones, a little internal bleeding... she got off pretty easy. Buffy: Easy? Giles: Have you looked up the word lately?
Giles: W... where are your other clothes? Xander: Oh, don't I wish I had the answer to that question. Willow: Xander kinda found himself in front of our class not wearing much of anything. Xander: Except my underwear. Willow: (laughs) Yeah! It was really...(looks at Xander) ...bad. It was a bad thing. Xander: 'Bad thing'? I was naked. 'Bad thing' doesn't cover it. Willow: Everyone staring? I would hate to have everyone paying attention to me like that. Xander: With nudity! It's a total nightmare.
Willow: So, why is this happening? Giles: Billy. Xander: Well, that explanation was shorter than usual.(to Willow) It's Billy!(to Giles) Who's Billy? Giles: He's a boy in the local hospital. He was beaten. He's in a coma. Somehow I think he's crossed over from the nightmare world he's trapped in. Xander: And he brought the nightmare world with him. Thanks a bunch, Billy.
Xander: Did you find Buffy? Willow: I had to sing! Very bad to sing! Xander: Willow, c'mon. Let's find the others. Willow: What happened to you? Xander: Remember my sixth birthday party? Willow: (laughs) Oh, yeah! When the clown chased you and you got so scared that you had...(stops smiling) Oh!
Xander: You are a lousy clown! Your balloon animals are pathetic! Everyone can make a giraffe!
Willow: Excuse me, when did they put a cemetery in across the street? Xander: And when did they make it night over there?
Willow: Are you sure everything will go back once he's awake? Giles: Oh, uh, positive. Willow: Well, how do we wake Billy up? What if we can't? Giles: Willow, do shut up.
Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you? Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque! Willow: Still dug her, huh? Xander: I'm sick, I need help. Willow: Don't I know it.
OUT OF MIND, OUT OF SIGHT
Cordelia: I just love springtime. Me and bright spring fashions! Mitch: Spring training. Cordelia: Me at the end of school dance. Harmony: The end of school. Cordelia: Definitely. My favorite time of year.(giggles) I am, of course, having my dress specially made. Off the rack gives me hives. Mitch: Lemme guess: blue, like your eyes!(laughs) Cordelia: (laughs) My eyes are hazel, Helen Keller.
Cordelia: Uhhh! Behold, the weirdness! Buffy: (looks up) You're probably wondering what I'm doing with this stuff, huh? Cordelia: Wow, I'm not! Buffy: Uh, for history class. Mr. Giles has this, like, hobby of collecting stuff... which he lent me... for show and tell. D-did I mention it's for history class? Harmony: She is always hanging with that creepy librarian in that creepy library. Cordelia: (to Mitch) Hey, did I ever tell you about the time that she attacked me? At the Bronze? I don't know why this school admits mentals like her.
Ms. Miller: Okay. So talk to me, people. How does what Shylock says here about being a Jew relate to our discussion about the anger of the outcast in society? Cordelia: Well, how about color me totally self-involved? Ms. Miller: Care to elaborate? Cordelia: Yeah. With Shylock it's whine, whine, whine, like the whole world is about him. He acts like it's justice, him getting a pound of Antonio's flesh. It's not justice, it's yicky. Ms. Miller: But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society? Willow: Well, everyone looked down on him. Cordelia: That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
Cordelia: Here's a chocolate...(sees it's Buffy and pulls her hand back) Oh. I don't think I need the loony-fringe vote.(leaves) Buffy: Well, I-I don't even like chocolates.(to herself) Okay, that was the lamest comeback of our times.
Xander: Cordelia, man, she does love titles! Willow: (reminded by that, laughing hysterically) Oh, God! Remember in sixth grade with the field trip? Xander: Right! Right! The guy with the antlers on his belt! Willow: Be my Deputy! Xander: And remember the, the hat? Willow: Oh God! The hat! Buffy: Gee, it's fun that we're speaking in tongues.
Xander: Yeah, what kind of moron would wanna be May Queen anyway? Buffy: (turns to her locker) I was. Xander: You what? Buffy: At my old school. Xander: Oh! So the, uh, good kind of moron would do that. The, uh, non-moron, I mean.
Snyder: Where do you think you're going? Buffy: (stops and faces him) Um, Mitch wanted me to get his comb. He, he likes his comb. Snyder: I don't think Mitch needs his comb right now. I think Mitch needs medical attention. Willow and Xander exchange a look. Snyder: And you need to stay away from the crime scene. Always sticking your nose in. Willow: (loudly) Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school? Snyder: Sue? Who? Buffy mouths a 'thank you' to Willow and Xander and quickly goes onto the locker room. Xander: Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale. Snyder: Hold on. What have you two heard? Xander: His dad, the lawyer. You haven't heard of him? Willow: Other lawyers call him 'The Beast'.
Buffy: And monsters don't usually send messages. It's pretty much crush, kill, destroy. This was different. Giles: I'd have to say you're right. Buffy: I love it when he says that! Any theories?
Giles: (takes a seat) Uh, I'm, uh, it's a bit of a puzzle, really. Um, I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before. Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat.(no response from the others) I'm alone with that one, huh?
Giles: And, uh, I'll research all the possibilities, ghosts included. But, uh, Xander, if you're not doing anything, would you like to help me? Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen? Buffy: It's all part of the glamorous world of vampire slayage. Xander: Well, what part do you have? Buffy: Gonna find out what I can about Mitch. This attack wasn't random. Xander: Well, I want that part. Buffy: Fine. You can do it. Ask around, talk to his friends. Talk to Cordelia! Xander: Talk to Cordelia?(to Giles) So, research, huh?
Cordelia: Well, the doctor says he'll be fine. They're gonna send him home tomorrow. But... you should've seen him lying there. All black and blue? How's he gonna look in our Prom pictures? How am I ever gonna be able to show them to anyone? Harmony: Well, they can do wonderful things with airbrushes these days.
Cordelia: Hi! Did you see Mitch? He just broke up with Wendy eight seconds ago, and he's already nosing around. Harmony: It's shameless! Cordelia: In the spring, if he makes varsity baseball, maybe I'll take him on a test drive.
Buffy: What happened? Snyder: Hey! Who's the principal here? What happened?
Xander: Well, yeah, I would give anything to be able to turn invisible. Well, I wouldn't use my powers to beat people up, but I'd use my powers to protect the girls' locker room.
Xander: Hmm. Greek myths speak of cloaks of invisibility, but they're usually for the gods.(gets looks from everyone) Research Boy comes through with the knowledge!
Xander: See ya.(leaves with Willow) Oh, hey, do you wanna come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous phone call to the Chinese place. Willow: Xander, do you guys even have a stove?
Angel: "Legends of Vishnu"? Giles: There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school. Angel: That's not really my area of expertise. Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a... a wonderful power to possess. Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there.(cut to Giles' reflection) It's an overrated pleasure.
Cordelia: God! I am never sitting through another one of those alumni lectures again. Two hours of 'My Trek Through Nepal'. Hello! There is nobody caring. Marcie: And did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it looks like a cabbage. Cordelia: And those slides! 'That's a mountain. That's a mountain, too. Now look at some mountains.' Harmony: I swear, he had three slides and just used them over and over. Marcie: I know, but did you guys see his toupee? I mean, it was, like, the worst! Harmony: We're talking, okay? Cordelia: Oh! And did you guys check out that extreme toupee? Yeah, that's realistic. It looked like a cabbage.
Cordelia: Thank you for making the right choice, and for showing me how much you all love me.(applause) Being this popular is not just my right, but my responsibility, and I want you to know I take it very seriously.
Willow: Oh, my God!(reads) 'Have a nice summer. Have a nice summer.' This girl had no friends at all. Giles: Uh, once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy: 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander: It's the kiss of death. Buffy: You guys didn't know Marcie Ross? Xander: Never met her. Why? Buffy: 'Cause you both wrote it, too.(points to Xander's signature) Xander: 'Have a nice...' Yeesh! Willow: Where am I?(Buffy points) Oh. 'Have a great summer.' See, I cared!
Giles: (hits the table) Of course!(gets up) I've been investigating the mystical causes of invisibility when I, I should have looked at the quantum mechanical!(gets looks from them all) Physics. Buffy: I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh?
Cordelia: What? I knew you'd be here. Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Ooo!(exhales) Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down... Willow: Nausea? Cordelia: Somebody is after me! They just tried to kill Ms. Miller? Uh, she was helping me with my homework. And Mitch! And Harmony?! This is all about me! Me, me, me! Xander: Wow! For once she's right! Buffy: So you've come to me for help. Cordelia: (nods) Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.
Giles: You know, I... I don't recall ever seeing you here before. Cordelia: Oh, no, I have a life.
Buffy: Okay.(exhales) Cordelia, your attacker is an invisible girl. Xander: Who is really, really angry at you, which I... can't imagine personally, but it... takes all kinds, y'know? Cordelia: Well, I don't care what it is, just get rid of it! Buffy: Well, it's not that simple, it's a person, it's...(shows her the yearbook) It's this person. Now, do you have any idea why she'd be so... Cordelia: Oh, God! Is she really wearing Laura Ashley?
Giles: According to what you told us about the attack on Ms. Miller, we now have two messages from Marcie: 'look' and 'listen'. Willow: Messages we don't understand. Buffy: I don't think we're supposed to... yet. Marcie's not quite ready. But from what she did to Cordelia's picture, I would say that she's wigged on the whole May Queen thing. Maybe she's gonna do something about it. Willow: Stop the coronation tonight, maybe. Keep you guys away from the Bronze? Cordelia: Nothing is keeping me from the Bronze tonight! Xander: Uh, can we just revel in your fabulous lack of priorities? Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me. Buffy: Cordelia has a point. Cordelia: Buffy's with me on this. Buffy: Anyway, continuing the normal May Queen activities may be the best way to draw Marcie out. We can use Cordelia as bait. Cordelia: Great! Bait?
Cordelia: So, how much the creepy is it that this Marcie's been at this for months? Spying on us? Learning our most guarded secrets? So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular? Buffy: That about sums it up. Cordelia: (exhales) Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely. Buffy: Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?
Cordelia: If you ever tell to anyone that I changed in a mop closet... Buffy: Your secret dies with me.
Buffy: You know what you were saying before? I understand. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter how popular you are when... Cordelia: You were popular? In what alternate universe? Buffy: In L.A. Th-the point is, I did sort of feel like something was missing. Cordelia: Is that when you became weird and got kicked out? Buffy: Okay. Can we have the heartfelt talk with a little less talk from you?
Willow: Why is Marcie doing this? Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's...(coughs) she has gone mad! Xander: Ya think?(coughs)
Buffy: Y'know, I really felt sorry for you. You've suffered. There's one thing I really didn't factor into all this. You're a thundering loony!
Buffy: This isn't the first time this has happened, is it? It's happened at other schools. Manetti: We're not at liberty to discuss that. Doyle: It would be best for you to forget this whole incident. Buffy: Do you know that you guys are very creepy?
Cordelia: Look, um, I didn't get a chance to say anything yesterday with the coronation and everything... but, um, I guess I just wanted to say thank you, all of you. Xander: That's funny, 'cause she looks like Cordelia. Cordelia: You really helped me out yesterday, and you didn't have to. So, thank you. Buffy: It's okay. Willow: Listen, we were gonna grab lunch in a minute if you wanted to... Mitch: Whoa, whoa. You're not hangin' with these losers, are you? Cordelia: Uhhh! Are you kidding? Heh!(takes his arm and leaves) I was just being charitable. Helping them with their fashion problems. Heh. You think I really felt like joining that social leper colony? Puh-leeease! Xander: Boy, where's an invisible girl when you really need one?
PROPHECY GIRL

Xander: You know how I feel about you. It's, uh, pretty obvious, isn't it? There's never been anyone else for me... but you. And we're good friends, and it's time to take the next step. Would you, um... date me? Oh that's good! Date me! It's terrible, right? Willow: Huh? Oh, no! Oh, yes, 'date me' is silly... Xander: See, what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance.(clears his throat) Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate. Just kill me!
Buffy: How're you doin' there, Giles? Get much sleep last night? Giles: Um... I-I-I've been working. Buffy: Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask. It's getting hairy out there, Giles. I killed three vampires last night, and one of them was practically on school grounds. Giles: Their numbers are increasing. Buffy: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call. Giles: (distracted) Yes. Buffy: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go, 'hmm'. Giles: (still distracted) Hmm? Oh, sorry. Um, yes, I'm very glad that you're alright. Uh, I-I need to verify, um... I just can't really talk right now. Buffy: Fine. That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate. Giles: (turns around quickly) What?! Buffy: Biology.

Buffy: (exhales) Wow. That was boring. Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it. Buffy: No, boring falls short. Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd. Buffy: Don't say that. Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?
Xander: Willow, don't you have a thing? Willow: A thing?(remembers) The thing! That I have! Which is... a thing that I have to go to. Willow: See ya later.(waves and departs) Buffy: What on earth is her deal? Xander: Uh, she's Willow.
Xander: Um... You know, Buffy, uh, Spring Fling is a... time for students to gather and... Oh, God!(takes a breath) Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me, on a date. Buffy: (speechless) I-I don't know what to say. Xander: Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you. Buffy: Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow... Xander: Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest.(laughs nervously)
Xander: Nah. Forget it.(gets up) I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you. Buffy: That's really harsh. Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh?
Ms. Calendar: You know, that outfit looks just like the one you wore yesterday. Only wrinklier.
Cordelia: Willow! I really like your outfit! Willow: No, you don't. Cordelia: No, I really don't, but I need a favor. Willow: What kind? Cordelia: Well, the Bronze won't let us use their sound system, and I need someone who knows how to hook one up. If you could just show up tomorrow morning...I'd be really, really grateful! I mean, I'd talk to you at the dance and everything.
Willow: How'd it go? Xander: (throws the ball) On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.(throws the ball) Willow: Oh. Xander: Well, I guess it could be worse.(throws the ball) I could have gangrene on my face.
Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.
Buffy: (gets up) Mom, we can't afford this. Joyce: The way you've been eating, we can afford it. Buffy: (comes over to look at it) It's beautiful. Joyce: I think you should wear it. To the dance. Buffy: No, I-I can't go to the dance. Joyce: Says who? Is it written somewhere? You should do what you want. Homecoming, my freshman year of college. I didn't have a date, so I got dressed up and I went anyway. Buffy: Was it awful? Joyce: It was awful. For about an hour. Buffy: Then what happened? Joyce: (smiles) I met your father. Buffy: He didn't have a date either? Joyce: He did. And that's a much funnier story that you will not get to hear.
Cordelia: Oh, Kevin said that he'd bring everything to the Bronze last night. He promised! We'll never get everything ready in time. Willow: He probably forgot. It's not that big a deal. Cordelia: Uh, you don't understand. I'm not mad! He totally flaked on me. On me! And I don't even care. God help me, I think it's cute! Oh...There they are! They're watching cartoons. That's so cu... That's not cute. That's annoying. I'm annoyed. Willow: Right. I'm furious. Cordelia: Men. I don't know why we put up with them. Willow: I hear ya. Cordelia: Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare.
Ms. Calendar: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.
Buffy: When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it.
Xander: I'm sorry, calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here,(indicates Giles) but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way. Willow: Xander... Xander: How could you let her go? Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!
Buffy: Y'know, you really oughtta talk to your contractor. Looks like you got some water damage. Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight.
Xander: You were looking at my neck. Angel: What? Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!(starts following) Angel: No, I wasn't! Xander: Just keep your distance, pal. Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck! Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Master: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world. Buffy: I don't think it's yours just yet. Master: You're dead! Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you. Master: You were destined to die! It was written! Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
Master: You laugh when my Hell is on Earth? Buffy: You're that amped about Hell...(grabs him by the neck) Go there!
Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party!(looks down at her dress) I mean, I got all pretty.
Angel: By the way, I really like your dress. Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone.
SEASON TWO
WHEN SHE WAS BAD Xander: Um, oh, okay, I got one.(imitating Charlton Heston) 'It's a madhouse! A mad...'
Willow: (interrupts) Planet of the Apes.
Xander: Can I finish, please?
Willow: Oh! Sorry, go ahead.
Xander: '...house!'(indicates she may answer)

Willow: I'm thinking. 'Use the Force, Luke.'
Xander: Do I even have to dignify that with a guess?
Willow: I couldn't think of anything. It's a dumb game anyway.
Xander: Well, what else do you wanna do? We already played rock, paper, scissors. My hands cramped up.
Willow: Well, yes, if you're always scissors of course your tendons are gonna strain...
Xander:(interrupts) Y'know, I just gotta say that this has been the most boring summer ever.
Willow: Yeah, but on the plus side no monsters or stuff.
Xander: I'm just so restless! I'm actually looking forward to school startin' up again.
Willow: Yeah, and that wouldn't have anything to do with a certain girl we both know who is a Vampire Slayer?
Xander: Please, I'm so over her. Did she, uh, mention when she might be gettin' back? About which I do not care.
Willow: I haven't heard from her. I got a couple postcards when she went to L.A., but then, like, nothing.
Xander: Well, she's probably with her dad having a good time.
Willow: And you don't care?
Xander: Well, okay, there might be some interest. I'm a man. I have certain desires, certain needs...
Willow: Uhhh! I don't wanna know.

Willow: When'd you get back?
Buffy: Uh, just now. Dad drove me down. And I figured you two losers would be getting into some kind of trouble.
Willow: I think we had the upper hand. I-in a subtle way.
Buffy: Does either of you even have a cross? Very sloppy.

Xander: Uh, our summer was kinda yawnworthy. Our biggest excitement was burying the Master.
Willow: That's right, you missed it.(points) Right out by that tree.(Buffy looks) Giles buried the bones and we poured holy water and we got to wear robes.

Cordelia: I mean, they promised me they'd take me to St. Croix, and then they just decide to go to Tuscany.(exhales) Art and buildings? I was totally beachless for a month and a half. No one has suffered like I have. Of course I think that that kind of adversity builds character. Well, then I thought, I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?

Snyder: I mean, it's incredible. One day the campus is completely bare. Empty. The next, there are children everywhere. Like locusts. Crawling around, mindlessly bent on feeding and mating. Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
Giles: I do enjoy these pep talks. Have you ever considered, given your abhorrence of children, school's principal was not, perhaps, your true vocation?

Giles: How was your summer?
Jenny: Extreme. I did Burning Man in Black Rock, ohhh, such a great festival, you should've been there. They had drum rituals, mobile sculptures, raves, naked mud dances, you would've just... hated it with a fiery passion!
Giles: I can't imagine finding any redeeming, uh...(stops at the base of the stairs) Naked?
Jenny: Hmm. And you probably spent all summer with your nose in a book.
Giles: Yes. I suppose you'd consider that frightfully dull.
Jenny: Depends on the book.

Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.

Willow: Buffy killed a vampire last night.
Buffy: Uh, I think you can get a little more volume if you speak from the diaphragm.

Jenny:(quietly) We've got vampires? I thought the Hellmouth was closed.
Giles: Well, it's, it's closed, but not gone. The mystical energy that emanates from it is still concentrated in this area.
Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.
Giles: I wonder if they're here for any purpose, particularly.
Buffy: You're the Watcher. I just work here.
Giles: Yes, I-I must consult my books.
Xander: Oh, eight minutes and thirty-three seconds, pay up.(Willow hands him a dollar) I called ten minutes before you'd consult your books about something.(to Willow) Thanks.

Xander: Oh, c'mon, you can tell us. We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom!

Willow: Tsh! Tell me about it. The other night I dreamt that Xander... Uh, I-it wasn't Xander. I-in fact it wasn't me. It was a friend's dream, and she doesn't remember it.
Buffy: I bet she doesn't.

Angel: How are you?
Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
Angel: It's not a social call.
Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.

Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!

Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander:(to Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping.(to Buffy) It wasn't about groping?
Buffy: Okay, hormones on parade here? It was pure shoptalk. Remember vampires, pointy teeth, they walk by night, am I ringing a bell?

Xander: Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?
Willow: Cibo Matto? They're playing?
Xander: No, Willow, they're gonna be clog dancing.
Willow: Cibo Matto can clog dance?(gets a look from Xander) Oh, sarcasm, right.

Cordelia: Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.
Buffy:Was that an insult?
Xander: Kinda lacked punch.
Willow: The Three Musketeers were cool.
Cordelia: I see your point.
Xander: I woulda gone with Stooges.
Cordelia: Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?
Willow: Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.
Xander: Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!
Buffy: I would have to go with Stooges also.
Cordelia: What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.
Xander: No. It's, see, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people, Buffy being the Slayer and all.
Willow: You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?
Cordelia: Are you nuts? Do you think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy? And all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So your secret's safe with me.
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Cordelia: Buffy.(Buffy stops) You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy:(turns to face her) As defending champion, you nervous?
Cordelia: I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close, which is nice, 'cause I don't really like you that much, but... you have on occasion saved the world and stuff, so I'm gonna... do you a favor.
Buffy: And this great favor is...
Cordelia: I'm gonna give you some advice. Get over it.
Buffy: Excuse me?
Cordelia: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Giles: Possessed?
Willow: That's the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, you should've seen her last night. That wasn't Buffy.
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.
Giles: Possessed by what?
Willow: Aaaaa possessing thing!
Giles:(sarcastically) Well, that narrows it down.

Xander: Well, you're the expert. Hey, maybe when the Master killed her some... mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?

Willow: What would somebody want with Master bones?
Xander: A trophy, a horrible conversation piece?

Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.
Snyder: That Summers girl. I smell trouble. I smell expulsion, and just the faintest aroma of jail.

Buffy: This is Cordelia's.(takes off the note) 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner?(gets looks from everyone) I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Buffy: Y'know, being stalked isn't really a big turn-on for girls.
Angel:(behind her) You need help. Someone to watch your back.
Buffy: Sure you don't mean my neck?
Angel:(comes around her) Why are you ridin' me?
Buffy: Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire.(gets a look) Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?

Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?
Jenny: What?
Cordelia: It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.
Jenny: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat: the stains.
Cordelia: I hear ya!

Buffy: I don't think I can face them.
Giles: Hmm? Of course, you can.
Buffy: I can't! What am I supposed say? 'Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?'

Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy: Would it have cable?

Xander: There's a rumor going around that, uh, Mr. Cox is the most boring teacher in the entire world. Like, I think he won a belt or something.
Buffy: Like, yes.
Willow: Well, I hear he nods off a lot. So that's a plus.

Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.

Xander: Hey, I got a plan: how 'bout miniature golf.
Willow: There's no course here.
Xander: Okay, uh, miniature tennis! A very tiny form of tennis that we could invent...

SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.

Angel: I heard you were on the hunt.
Buffy: I'm supposed to be, but... lazy bones here doesn't wanna come out and play.

Buffy: Nope.(hops down off the gravestone) Why? Are you jealous?
Angel:(chuckles) Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
Angel: 'Danced with' is a pretty loose term. 'Mated with' might be a little closer. Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
Angel: I am not jealous.
Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.

Giles:(talking to an empty chair) W-w-w-what I'm proposing is, um... and I-I don't mean to appear indecorous, is, is, um, a, a-a-a social engagement, um, a, a, a, a-a date, if you're amenable.
Giles: You idiot!
Buffy: Boy...I guess we never realized how much you like that chair.

Buffy: Then if you wouldn't mind a little Gene and Roger, you might wanna leave off the 'idiot' part. Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
Xander: Hmm, it actually kinda turns me on.(looks at Buffy)
Buffy:(to Xander) I fear you.(goes to the table) You also might wanna avoid words like 'amenable' and 'indecorous', y'know. Speak English, not whatever they speak in, um...
Giles: England?
Buffy: Yeah. You just say, 'Hey, I got a thing, you maybe have a thing, maybe we could have a thing.'
Giles:(sarcastically) Oh, thank you, Cyrano.
Buffy: I'm not finished. Then you say, 'How do you feel about Mexican?'
Giles: About Mexicans?
Buffy: Mexican. Food. You take her for food, for which you then pay.

Xander: So this chair-woman. We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?
Giles: W-what makes you think that?
Xander:(sits) Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her.
Buffy: And she's the only woman we've actually ever seen speak to you. Add it all up and it all spells 'duh'.
Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.

Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.(comes back down to the table)
Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must, must put a stop to it. Damn it.

Willow: Oh, I, I was just wondering what you were gonna do this year.
Chris: Why?
Willow: 'Cause every year you win and I place second, so I just thought I'd see what I'm up against.
Chris: You know what the key is? If Dr. Clark doesn't understand your experiment he gives you higher marks so it looks like he understands your experiment.(reads Willow's entry) 'The Effects of Sub-Violet Light Spectrum Deprivation on the Development of Fruit Flies'?(smirks) That should do the trick.

Cordelia: (shows up and signs up) Okay, I'm doing this under protest. It is not fair that they're making participation in this year's science fair mandatory. I don't think anyone should have to do anything educational in school if they don't want to.
Willow: (reads) 'The Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable'?
Cordelia: I wanted to do something I could finish in a weekend, alright?

Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.
Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.

Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.

Cordelia: (coming in) Hi. Sorry to interrupt your little undead playgroup, but I need to ask Willow if she'll help me with my science fair project.
Willow: It's a fruit.
Cordelia: I would've asked Chris to help me, but then that would've brought back too many memories of Daryl.
Willow: I found it! Meredith Todd died in a car accident last week.
Cordelia: Of course I have learned to deal with my pain.
Buffy: How was her neck?
Willow: Fine, except for being broken.
Cordelia: Hello! Can we deal with my pain, please?
Giles: There, there.

Willow: It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game.
Buffy: You know what this means.
Xander: That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?

Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word 'corpse' in it?

Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?
Xander: Me.
Willow: Cordelia?
Cordelia: Darn, I have cheerleader practice tonight. Boy, I wish I knew we were gonna be digging up dead people sooner. I would've canceled.
Xander: Alright, but if you come across the army of zombies, can you page us before they eat your flesh?
Cordelia huffs and leaves the library.
Giles: Xander?
Xander: Huh?
Giles: Zombies don't eat the flesh of the living.
Xander: Yeah, I knew that. But did you see the look on her face?

Xander: Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too.
Giles: Here, here.
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.

Buffy: And he broke Cordy's heart? Thus possibly proving its existence.

Willow: By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander: Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons.

Angel: I wasn't sure it was you at first. I'm looking for Buffy.
Cordelia: Buffy? Well, she's, uh... big shock, she's at the graveyard.
Angel: She said she'd be home.
Cordelia: Well, she lied. Isn't she a rascal? Well, you're in luck. It just so happens that my night is free.

Xander: So, both coffins are empty. That makes three girls signed up for the army of zombies.
Willow: Is it an army if you just have three?

Buffy: We were investigating. Somebody's been digging up the bodies of dead girls.
Angel: I know. We found some of them.
Buffy: You mean, like, two of the three?
Angel: I mean, like, some of them. Like parts.
Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: Karma!(coughs to cover it)

Buffy: I don't get it. Why go to all the trouble to dig up three girls only to chop them up and throw them away? It doesn't make any sense. Especially from a time management standpoint.
Angel: Well, what I saw didn't add up to three whole girls. I think they kept some parts.
Buffy: Could this get yuckier?
Willow: They probably kept the other parts to eat.
Buffy: Question answered.

Giles:(disbelieving) Yes, really. What student here is gonna be that well versed in physiology?
Willow: Well, I can think of five or six guys in the science club. And me.
Xander: So, Will, come clean. Promise to never do it again, and we'll call it a night.(no response) He joked!(smiles)

Cordelia: No. I have to go home now. I have to take a bath and burn my clothes.
Xander:(in mock disappointment) You have to go? Aw, too bad. Keep in touch. Buh-bye.

Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.

Giles: You understand, in my capacity as school official, this search is completely unauthorized, and I, I cannot condone it.
Buffy: Fine, your butt's covered. Wanna grab a locker?(hands him a sheet)
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, of course.(takes the sheet)

Buffy:(approaches a locker) Okay, Eric. Let's see what's on your annoying little mind.
Willow: (at another locker) Nothing in here but back issues of Scientific American. Ooo, I haven't read this one!(starts to read)

Buffy: Not yet. I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
Xander: You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
Xander: Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive.
Willow: And for Eric the unattainable would include everyone. That's alive.

Buffy: But it's not doable. I mean, making someone from scraps, actually making them live.
Willow: If it is, my science project's definitely coming in second this year.
Xander:(spots Giles) And speaking of love...
Willow: We were talking about the re-animation of dead tissue.
Xander: Do I deconstruct your segues?

Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, 'I feel a thing, you feel a thing...' But personalize it.
Giles: Personalize it?
Buffy: She's a technopagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop.(starts to leave) Have fun.
Giles: What? Oh! Don't...
Xander: Best of luck.(follows the girls)
Giles: ...leave?

Giles: Uh, Ms. Calendar?
Jenny:(looks at him but keeps going) Oh, no, please call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father.

Xander: Hello!(holds up a visible head) I wanna get ahead.
Willow: (exhales) Maybe an electrical current combined with an adrenaline boost.
Xander: For the love of God, can somebody scratch my nose?

Xander: Heads must be no good. Huh. I found 'em attractive enough.(gets looks from the girls) Well, obviously I'm not as sick as Chris and Eric.

Cordelia: (hears music) That's the fight song. Oh my God, it's time for the cheerleader pyramid at mid-field. I've gotta go.
Buffy: Well, are you sure you're okay to go out there?
Cordelia: Yeah, you don't understand, I have to go. I'm the apex!(runs out)

Jenny: I don't know what it is about football that does it for me. I mean, it lacks the, the grace of basketball, the, uh, poetry of baseball. At its best it's unadorned aggression. It's such a rugged contest.
Giles: Rugged. American football.(laughs)
Jenny: And that's funny because?
Giles: No!(laughs) I just think it's rather odd(they sit) that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
Jenny: Is this your normal strategy for a first date? Dissing my country's national pastime?
Giles: Did you just say 'date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh?

Willow: Eric's was a bust. Nothing there.
Xander: Yeah, nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collection so prodigious it even scared me.

Jenny: It's okay. Although a good rule of thumb for a first date is don't do anything so exciting that it'll be hard to top on the second date.
Giles: Believe it or not, since I've moved here to live on top of the Hellmouth, the events of this evening actually qualify as a slow night.(pauses and considers) Did you just say 'second date'?
Jenny: You noticed that, huh?(smiles)

Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?
Willow: All the time.
Cordelia: Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...
Xander: Do you mind? We're talking here.
Cordelia is taken aback, rolls her eyes and leaves.
Xander: So where were we?
Willow: Wondering why we never get dates.
Xander: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
Buffy: I don't look that good in direct light.

SCHOOL HARD
Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' I say, 'Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.'

Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.
Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice.
Snyder: Mice.
Buffy: M-mice that were smoking?

Xander: Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she can bring home to mother.
Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
Xander:(to Willow) You're bad to the bone.
Willow: I'm a rebel.

Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine.
Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen!
Xander: Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen.
Willow: Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.'
Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx!
Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all?
Xander: Well, you guys don't know.(hugs his satchel) Maybe this time it'll be different.

Spike:(appears behind them) You were there?(chuckles) Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock.
Vampire#1: I oughta rip your throat out.
Spike:(turns his back to him and strolls away) I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move.

Collin: Who are you?
Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you.(growls at vampire#2) You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
Collin: Can you?
Spike: A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag.(can't keep a straight face) Who am I kidding? I love to brag!

Drusilla: Look at all the people. Are these nice people?
Spike: We're getting along.
Drusilla:(stares at Collin) This one has power. I could feel it from the outside. Spike: Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that.
Drusilla:(to Collin) Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies.

Joyce: What's wrong?
Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey.
Joyce: Life is hard, dear.
Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end?

Joyce: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about? Buffy: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge.(sits on her bed)
Joyce: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores?
Buffy: What can you really tell about a person from a test score?
Joyce: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again.
Buffy: Oh, that.

Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066.

Giles: W-um, Ms. Calendar has been researching, well, uh, surfing on her computer, a-and she's... Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous.
Buffy: Let me guess: he didn't make balloon animals.

Giles: This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation.
Willow: Well, we'll help.
Xander: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes.
Willow: A-and I can research stuff.
Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.

Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi.(looks at Willow) Was it wrong? Should I use the plural?
Willow: No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.'
Buffy: Maybe that's what I was feeling.
Willow: And you said it wrong.
Buffy: Oh, je stink.

Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me.
Willow: Well, we are studying.
Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes.
Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried.

Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation?
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack,(shudders) yeeehehehe.

Giles: Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced.
Angel:(suddenly appears) He's worse.(they all look at him) Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead.
Xander: Hmm. So, he's thorough, goal-oriented.

Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred(Buffy gives her a look) dates with four hundred different...(looks at the mace on the table) Why do they call it a mace?

Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night?
Cordelia: You sure don't.

Cordelia: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this?
Xander: Three minutes.
Cordelia: So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly.(Buffy looks up at her) We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax.

Willow: What kinda punch did you make?
Buffy: Uh, lemonade.(hands her a cup) I made it fresh and everything.
Willow: How much sugar did you use?(takes a sip)
Buffy: Sugar?
Willow grimaces at the incredibly sour taste, and puts the cup down.
Willow: It's very good.

Cordelia: Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage.

Cordelia: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now?
Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing.
Cordelia: Yeah, and I can see the oil.(sees Joyce talking to Willow) Is that your mom?(Buffy looks) Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation?

Joyce: I didn't get much of a look, but is there something wrong with their faces? I...
Snyder: Yes! PCP! It's a gang on PCP! We've gotta get out of here.

Spike: Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in.(kicks a door open) Are you getting a word picture here?

Joyce: Why don't you sit down?
Snyder: This is my school. What I say goes, and I say this is not happening.
Joyce: Well, then I guess the danger's over!
Man: I'm not waiting for them to open the doors. I'm gettin' out!
Joyce: Don't be an idiot!
Snyder: I'm beginning to see a certain mother-daughter resemblance.

Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed!(laughs)
Spike:(laughing) People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.

Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
Angel: Things change.
Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!(grabs his pole from the floor) Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport!

Buffy: You shouldn'ta come here.
Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored.(smirks) I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.
Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
Angel: We would've known he bought it.

Xander: Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire?

Joyce: I have a daughter who can take care of herself. Who's brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do, I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that.
Buffy: About how long till this wears off and you start ragging on me again?
Joyce: Oh, at least a week and a half.
Buffy: Very cool!

Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible...
Willow: Ask for some aspirin.
Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey!