Title: Requiem
Author: Eileen Whipple
Classification: S/A
Rating: PG
Spoilers: "Memento Mori", a little of "Never Again" (a teensy bit) 
Summary: Scully befriends a woman she used to teach and finds out something
about her that brings back memories of her past. 
Disclaimer: Chris Carter and 10-13 own Dana Scully and Fox Mulder but any
others who aren't on the show belong to me.

Archive: DO NOT ARCHIVE at Gossamer. I've already sent it. This
is simply a repost.

Notes: This is my first story in the first person. Please tell me what you
think at: whipples@connect.ab.ca. This is just a story I wrote in one year,
but most of it I wrote after I discovered my aunt had cancer. Also, the
reason I am reposting is to get more exposure since I only sent this
to one list way back in October or so. It was also divided into parts for
length reasons.

~Requiem~

"Carmen, I don't know, I don't know,
I don't know if I can go back.
Carmen, I'll never be, never be,
Never be the same again."
        -"Carmen", Paula Cole
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was approaching the edge of the pool. Just another few feet until 
I was finished my lap. I was only going to do this one. I didn't want 
to push it; I could already taste the blood in my throat. 

I was swimming the butterfly stroke and each time I raised my head 
out of the water, I saw several drops of blood falling. I decided to push 
myself harder.

This was the first time I'd gone swimming at Quantico since...I 
couldn't remember.

I reached the edge, pulled myself out and immediately grabbed my 
towel, putting it to my bloody nose.

I'd gotten used to the blood. Now, it came more than every month but 
this blood comes from my nose. It would arrive when I was under stress, 
whether I worked too hard on a case or ran those two extra miles. It just 
comes when it wants.

My mother was so angry with me when I didn't tell her about the 
tumour as soon as I'd found out what it was. I wasn't really sure it was so 
serious at first; I'd just started coughing in my sleep and woke up in the 
middle of the night with a nosebleed. 

A group of agents entered the pool area and stared at me as I tended 
to my bleeding nose. They just stood and gawked. I recognised a few of them. 
I knew their faces, not their names. They didn't know my name either. They
only knew me by my disease.

People started treating me differently after I'd found out I had 
cancer, a tumour that can't be operated on and that might grow, pushing into 
my brain, ultimately killing me. The cancer has already spread to my 
bloodstream.

Maybe it was my tumour that was causing my strange behaviour. I would 
lash out at people; I don't mean to but it just happens. Unfortunately, one 
of those people is often Mulder. His heart's in the right place but 
sometimes, he just pisses me off. The smallest things he did or said could 
set me off.

"What the hell are you looking at?" I yelled angrily. The agents 
turned.

The bleeding stopped. I heard my stomach growl. Time to get something 
to eat. I decided I would change, dry my hair and maybe stop for fast food. 

My mother has been making me eat different foods to gain weight and 
get some colour in my face. "Dana, you're too thin and you're as white as a
sheet," she'd said.

I have to admit that when I first had radiation treatment and
chemotherapy, I lost a great deal of weight but as for being pale, I've
always been very fair-skinned.

I wish my mother wouldn't nag me. I'd had enough of that when I was
younger, in my teen years.

I know my mom is only worried about me. She doesn't want to lose her 
other daughter--now, her only daughter.

Missy's gone, Dad's gone. I know why Mom is on my case but I can't 
express to her that knowledge.

I clutched my towel and headed for the women's locker room. I could 
feel water dripping from my hair. The cool drops slid quickly down my bare 
back. I'd chosen to wear a swimsuit with a low back.

Once inside, I opened my locker and pulled out my clothes. There were
several agents putting make-up on. I don't see the point of putting on tons
of make-up. I only wear eye shadow in brownish shades, mascara, light
lipstick and sometimes blusher, to give my cheeks some colour. I usually
use foundation but occasionally, I forget. I have more important things
going on in my life. I don't really have time to worry about my looks.

I stripped out of my wet swimsuit and one woman said, "I like your 
tattoo." Oh, my tattoo. The spur-of-the-moment snake on the lower right part 
of my back. I'd gotten it with some guy who'd charmed me while I was working 
on a case in Philadelphia. His name was Ed Jerse. I'd only known him a day 
or two before he'd tried to kill me. He was suffering from delusions brought
on by ergot poisoning.

The tattoo was a huge step in changing. I needed to become somebody 
else, just for a little while. My life had been so predictable before then 
and since I had found I had cancer, I decided I needed to live a bit. 

Another woman turned around as I pulled on my bra and panties. 
"Aren't you Agent Scully?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered, putting on my blouse and starting to button it up.

"My name is Carmen Sorenson. I was in your class in 1994."
        
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't recognise you. I've had a lot on my mind 
lately," I admitted.

"I heard about your illness. I'm really sorry."

A third agent said, "I guess getting that tattoo was spontaneous. You 
were trying to have some sort of excitement before you get too sick."

Carmen hissed, "Sarah, that's mean!"

I felt a rush of heat in my face but realised it was just another
nosebleed. That comment put me over the edge but I was too busy looking for
something to stop the blood to give the snooty agent a piece of my mind.

"Here." Carmen pulled a Kleenex from her pocket and put it in my 
hand.

"Thanks." I pinched my nose shut through the Kleenex.

"Nosebleeds are awful," Carmen said. "That's why I carry tissue 
around. I've suffered from nosebleeds since I was a kid."

I had to wait until the blood stopped to put my pants on. Carmen sat 
with me after her friends were gone.

"I'm really sorry about my friend's snide comment. She's so 
insensitive. Besides, I know how you feel."

"What do you mean?" The only person I'd known with a nasopharyngeal
tumour--Penny Northern--had died. I was really close to her during the last
part of her life.

Carmen handed my blazer to me. "I have a brain tumour. It's 
malignant."

"Does anyone know?" I asked.

"No. I started at headquarters two months ago and I don't want to be
dismissed."

"Assistant Director Skinner is always trying to get me to take time 
off but my work is my life."

"Does Agent Mulder know?" She must have known we were partners.

"Yes. He also thinks I should take it easy. He doesn't realise that I 
need to work. It's the only thing that keeps me sane," I said. It was true.

"Well, I should be going. Nice to see you again, Agent Scully."

"Carmen, would you like to go for some lunch?" I asked.

"Sure, Agent Scully." Carmen picked up her duffel bag. 

I smiled. "Call me Dana."

"Okay, Dana."




We stopped for burgers and fries at a local restaurant. "I'm going to
indulge," Carmen told me. "I'm going to get a chocolate shake. Do you want
one?"

"Yes, please," I said. "Get the biggest sizes." I found a table while
Carmen ordered the food.

For some reason, I felt like I'd known Carmen a long time, not just
because I'd taught her for sixteen weeks.

"Earth to Dana," I heard Carmen say a few minutes later.

"Oh, sorry. I was just thinking." I moved my purse so Carmen could 
set the tray down. 

"Here you go. A double cheeseburger, extra large fries and a super 
large chocolate milkshake."

"Thanks." I grinned, setting my food in front of me. "It smells 
great."

Carmen ate a fry and said, "So you work with Fox Mulder? What's that 
like?"

"I'm surprised you didn't call him 'Spooky'. Everyone else does." I 
took a sip of my milkshake. "He's a great agent and a good friend."

"Most of my friends think he's handsome but they think he's crazy. 
They choose to admire from afar."

"Yeah. Most do but when you get to know him, your attitude changes. 
He's really sweet and funny but lately, he's been on my nerves. Like I told 
you, he's worried about me working too hard and that bothers me sometimes."

"But at least he cares. Caring too much is better than not caring at 
all. I need a friend like that."

I took another sip of my shake. "How did you discover your tumour?" I
asked quietly.

"After graduation, I was okay but about a month later, I suffered a
seizure. The doctors thought it was epilepsy until they discovered a
cancerous mass on my brain."

"I don't mean to pry but did they tell you how long you have?"

"I have a while yet. I go for weekly check-ups and so far, the tumour
hasn't gotten any bigger. I went for chemo and radiation treatments several
times over the past while. My next treatment is in two weeks."

"It makes me sick," I said. "The chemo and radiation, I mean." I'd had
several treatments. They'd taken in place in Allentown, Pennsylvania, when
Mulder and I had gone to talk to Penny and Betsy Hagopian. At that time,
Betsy was dead and Penny was terribly ill.

Carmen and I finished our lunch and I said, "I'll drive you back to
Quantico so you can get your car."

She quickly pulled out a pen and a small piece of paper from her 
purse. After jotting something down, she gave it to me. "This is my home 
number. Give me a call."

I gave her my phone number as she left my car to find her own when we
arrived at Quantico.

"See you later, Dana! Talk to you soon."

"You too, Carmen."

I had a feeling I could be the friend Carmen had said she needed.




"Scully, somebody called for you while you were in the washroom," 
Mulder said as I entered his--our--office.

"Who was it?" I asked, sitting down. I straightened my skirt and 
crossed my legs.

"A woman named Carmen. She said she wants you to give her a call when
you're free. Who is she?"

"A friend I met after I went swimming a couple days ago. She's an 
agent here. Her name is Carmen Sorenson."

"Oh, isn't she that pretty agent with really glossy brown hair, huge 
green eyes and beautiful red lips? The one who hangs around with Sarah 
Phillips, that agent who's slept with half the single male agents in the 
Hoover building?"

"Carmen is who you think." I laughed a bit. "Sarah likes you."

"Sarah likes me?" Mulder rubbed his hands together. "What about 
Carmen? Does she like me?"

I shrugged. "Where is she? Is she in the building? If you can tell 
me, I'll talk to Sarah about you two going out."

"She's probably in the cafeteria since it is lunchtime. Perhaps I can 
join you in your search."

I smiled. "Sure."

We left our office and headed to the cafeteria. Both were in the 
basement. The cafeteria was crowded and finding Carmen was going to be a 
hard task.

It wasn't. I heard, "Dana, over here!" and saw Carmen waving. Mulder 
and I made our way to the table where she was sitting with Sarah and the 
other agent she was with at the pool. 

We sat down and I introduced Mulder. "Carmen, this is Fox Mulder." I
looked at her other friend from the pool. "I'm sorry. I don't know your 
name."

Carmen said, "This is Pia Griffin. You know Dana and Mulder, don't 
you, Pia?"

"Hi," everybody said.

"Sorry about not calling you sooner," Carmen said.

I replied, "No problem. So what's up?"

"Nothing much. I was off yesterday and that was my day to catch up on
sleep. I also have a doctor's appointment today."

"That reminds me. I have a check-up in a couple days," I said.

Sarah and Mulder were talking and flirting. Pia then started flirting 
with him and Sarah shot her an evil look. I wondered if the rumour about 
Sarah was true, about her sleeping around.

Carmen checked her watch. "Crap! It's nearly twelve-thirty and I have 
to be in Baltimore in an hour." She finished her sandwich.

"Is that where your doctor is?" I asked curiously. She nodded.

I saw Pia and Sarah giving Mulder their phone numbers. This meeting 
was benefiting both of us. Maybe if Mulder was busy with women, he would stop
nagging me to slow down. I knew that was wishful thinking; he'd never quit
worrying about me.

"Oh, Dana. I'm really sorry about the inappropriate comment I made in 
the locker room," Sarah said.

"That's okay." I forced a smile. I didn't care if it looked fake. I 
didn't really like Sarah.

Carmen stood up. "I'll see you later," she said to Pia, Sarah and me.
"Nice meeting you, Mulder."

"You too, Carmen." He pocketed the phone numbers.

After Carmen left, Mulder said, "There's nothing to do so I'm heading 
to Rock Creek Park to go jogging. Would anybody care to join me?"

"Sure," said Sarah. Pia just stood up and left.

"I'm heading home." I rose to my feet. "Have fun jogging."

Sometimes, the type of women Mulder liked disgusted me. Sarah did. I
decided not to let it bother me; they were consenting adults.

I went to get my coat and briefcase, headed to my car and went home.




I was just dozing off when I heard my phone rang. I answered it with 
a snobby "Yeah?"

"Dana, it's Carmen. What are you up to?"

"Why?" I asked suspiciously. I knew I would be cheated out of my nap.

"I want to take you out for a night on the town. Besides, I need your
opinion on something."

I cheered up, a bit. "Just give me some time to get ready. Where do 
you want me to meet you?"

"I'll pick you up in a half-hour. I got you're your address from the 
phone book."

I decided a half-hour would be enough time to do all the stuff I 
needed to do." 

"Sure. See you soon."

End of Part One


Disclaimer in Part One



I was waiting for Carmen on the curb. I was freshly showered and only
slightly tired. I was wearing my fitted grey sweater and blue jeans. I'd
pulled my hair into a ponytail.

All of a sudden, a sleek black convertible rolled up in front of me.
Carmen was behind the wheel.

"Wow! Where'd you get the car?" I asked, remembering her old grey 
Dodge from a couple days ago.

"It's mine. It was in the shop so I borrowed my neighbour's car. I'd 
saved up for this kind of car since I turned thirteen. By the time I 
finished high school, I had enough." She leaned across to open the 
passenger-side door.

I got in. "So where are we off to? I'm not exactly dressed for 
anything fancy."

"We'll go driving. I have to take you somewhere." She was being so
secretive. I had to wonder why.

We drove around Washington for a while, listening to the booming 
stereo system in the car.
   
"How was your doctor's appointment?" I yelled over the music.

"What?" Carmen yelled back. Obviously, she hadn't heard me so I 
decided to ask her later.
        
I felt so plain and frumpy compared to Carmen. She was wearing a 
cropped purple tank top and black hip-hugger jeans. The outfit showed off 
her tight, flat stomach, well-muscled arms, slim waist and strong shoulders. 
I envied her courage to wear such revealing clothes.
        
Carmen pulled to a stop and it took a few minutes for my brain to 
register where we were. It was a tattoo and body-piercing parlour. "Why are 
we hear, Carmen?"
        
"This is what I needed your opinion on. I've wanted to get a tattoo 
for the longest time but I thought normal people steered clear of that kind 
of thing. You're a normal person with a tattoo. Besides, I'd like to live a 
bit."
        
I bit my lip, thinking about what to do. I guess if Carmen wanted a
tattoo, I should support her. After all, she was my friend. "Sure. It's
your decision." 
        
She parked the car and we headed into the parlour. "I'm wondering if 
I should get my navel pierced."
        
"It's up to you."
        
Carmen glanced at all the pictures on the walls. "Dana, what do you 
think about this?" She pointed to a dolphin. "When I...die, I want to be
reincarnated as a dolphin."
        
I guess she had a quality of Mulder's; she believed in reincarnation. 
I wouldn't squash that belief because it seemed like she wasn't afraid to 
die.
        
"Can I help you ladies?" A muscular man with a ponytail approached us.
        
"Yeah," said Carmen. "I'd like this tattoo, this dolphin one." She 
pointed to it. "I'd also like my navel pierced."
        
The man gave her an estimate of how much everything would cost while 
I perused the colourful drawings.
        
"Anything for you, Miss?" the man asked while I was out in space.
        
Finally, "Uh, no, thanks," came out. I'm just here for support."
        
As we went to the back, Carmen said, "You never told me what you 
thought about my tattoo choice. That's what I needed your opinion on."
        
"Very...um, spiritual. It's beautiful, much nicer than mine."
        
The man said, "We'll do the piercing first but where do you want the 
tattoo?"
        
"Right here." Carmen touched her left hip. She turned to me. "Does it 
hurt a lot?"
        
"Not a lot."
        
As the man--we'd not learned his name--showed Carmen where to sit, he 
said, "You already have a tattoo?" I nodded. "Can I see it? It's a comparison
thing."
        
"Um, sure." I turned around and lifted my sweater enough to expose my 
snake.
        
"Very nice. I love the red in it." That's what I'd liked too. That's 
what had made Ed sick; there was ergot in the dye because it was made from 
rye grass. Luckily, I wasn't infected.
        
The man said, "By the way, my name is Vincent." He got a bottle of 
rubbing alcohol, a cotton ball and a pair of latex gloves. "I'll make the 
hole and then, put the ring in." After he put on the gloves, he placed the 
alcohol on the cotton ball and spread it around Carmen's navel.
        
Vincent had the piercing gun and put the little flap of skin above 
her belly button between the needle and the metal guard. 
        
I saw Carmen bite her lip and suddenly, she grabbed my hand. As the
piercing was done, she clutched it tightly.
        
After Vincent put the ring in, I asked, "How are you doing, Carmen?"
        
"Okay. It only hurt a bit. I have a feeling the tattoo might hurt 
more." 
        
Vincent pulled out a line drawing dolphin temporary tattoo. He 
sprayed her hip with water and placed the outline on the skin.
        
He brought out a new needle and prepared all the colours. "Here, 
Carmen." I held out my hand.
        
The tattooing started off painfully for Carmen; I thought she was 
going to crush all the bones in my hand. She started to ease up as Vincent 
was finishing up the tattoo. An hour had passed.
        
"How does it look, Dana?" Carmen asked, looking down a bit.
        
"It's beautiful," I said. It really was; the colours were wonderful.
        
"That's the reason I want to be a dolphin in my next life. Dolphins 
are beautiful, graceful, spiritual creatures."
        
Vincent taped a piece of gauze over the new tattoo. "Take this off 
tomorrow."
        
Carmen asked, "Dana, can you help me up?" I held out my hand and 
helped her to her feet.
        
She paid Vincent in cash and said, "Thanks."
        
We went out to the car. While Carmen walked around to the driver's 
side, I decided to hop in. I pulled myself over the side and into the 
passenger's side.
        
"Dana, are you hungry?" Carmen asked, starting the car.
        
"Kind of. What did you have in mind?"
        
"Pizza. I know a great place."
        
I nodded. "Sure. That would be fun."
        
We began driving and I repeated myself from earlier. "How was your
doctor's appointment?"
        
"Oh, the usual."
        
The pizza place was close. Carmen parked the car behind the 
restaurant and we went in the back door. "I'll get a table, Carmen. Any kind 
of pizza is fine." I grabbed a table in the corner and as Carmen was ordering 
the pizza, I noticed guys checking her out. I remembered being thrilled when
men would watch me but that was when I was in university.
        
Soon, Carmen was at the table with the pizza. "I bought the Hawaiian
special. It's ham and pineapple."
        
"Great," I said. The smell of the pizza made my stomach growl. I was
starving and couldn't wait to dig in.
        
"Dana, start eating. I have to use the washroom but I'll be right 
back." Carmen left the table and I picked up a slice of pizza, taking a huge 
bite. It was so hot and delicious.
        
I looked around and caught a guy's glance. I smiled and he grinned 
back. He tapped his friend's shoulder, pointed towards me and the friend gave 
me a goofy smile.
        
I smiled at him too. He was quite cute. I wondered if he and his 
friend would want to go out on a date with Carmen and me.
        
"What's taking Carmen so long?" I said out loud. I decided I'd eat 
another slice of pizza, then I'd go see if Carmen was coming. I chose a piece 
with tons of pineapple and bit into it. I finished it slowly. I stood up,
grabbed a napkin and as I walked to the bathroom, I wiped my mouth and
fingers.
        
I pushed open the bathroom door. "Carmen, are you almost finished? 
There are some hot guys..."
        
That's when I saw her on the floor. "Oh my God!" I gasped, running to 
her side. She was unconscious and breathing shallowly.
        
I bolted out the door and yelled, "Somebody call an ambulance. My 
friend has collapsed in the washroom." One of the "hot" guys pulled out a 
cellular phone and called 911. I went back into the bathroom and knelt 
beside my friend.
        
My mind went blank of my entire medical training as I tapped her 
lightly and said, "Come on, Carmen. Wake up." It came back and I realised I 
didn't want to move her just in case she'd injured her head or spine.
        
"Carmen, can you hear me?" Her eyelids flickered a bit but other than
that, there was no response.
        
Perhaps it was her tumour that made her collapse. Hopefully, I'd find 
out why when the ambulance arrived.

End of Part Two


Disclaimer in Part One



"She has a tumour on the subcortical region of her brain. It's become
larger and metastasized to other parts of her brain," Dr. Douglas Thorpe
explained to me.
        
"She told me she had a while yet. She was fine earlier today."
        
"You're a doctor. You know how quickly a tumour can metastasize."
        
"Yes, I know. However, I'm just thinking as her friend now, not as a
physician."   
        
"I know it's hard watching a friend get sick but I'm afraid Carmen
doesn't have a long time."
        
"Is she conscious yet? I'd like to see her," I said.
        
"Sure, Dana. I'll show you to her room."



        
I was scared to see Carmen. I wondered if she was going to die today, 
or tomorrow. I wanted more time with her. I grew up fearing death, which 
made me prevent myself from getting attached to any person in my life. I was
afraid that as soon as I got close to them, they'd leave me. I didn't want
Carmen to die but I didn't regret meeting and getting to know her. I had
somewhat overcome my fear.
        
Dr. Thorpe said, "Here's Carmen's room. I'll let you talk to her 
today."
        
"Thanks." He left me in front of the closed door. I knocked before
entering. When I opened the door, I saw Carmen, looking weak and tired,
lying in her hospital bed.
        
"Hi, Dana," she said softly.
        
"How are you doing?" I moved slowly toward her bed.
        
"Okay, I guess," Carmen said as I took a seat beside the bed. "Dana,
thanks for getting that guy to call 911."
        
"No problem, Carmen. I'd do it for anybody." I leaned forward. "So 
are you okay emotionally?"
        
"Oh, Dana, I don't want to die but I don't have very long. I found 
that out yesterday at my appointment."
        
"Carmen, why didn't you tell me?"
        
"I didn't want to worry you, Dana." She put a hand on my cheek. It 
was freezing.
        
"Carmen, we're friends. You can tell me things." I took her hand in 
mine, attempting to warm it. 
        
"Dana, you are the friend I never thought I'd have. You're in the 
same boat as me but since I'm going first, I have to tell you something. I'm
sure you know this but life is short. Make something of it. Live a little
once in a while."
        
"I know, Carmen." My voice was trembling and I was trying not to cry. 
I could see the fear in her eyes. "Don't worry." I leaned over and hugged 
her.
        
"Have you called Mulder?" she asked.
        
"No. Why?"
        
"I want to see him before I go. I hardly know him but he's your 
friend."
        
"I'll call him if you want. When should he come by?" I asked, taking 
out a quarter.
        
"Sometime soon."
        
"I'll be back." I left the room to find a payphone. I found one down 
the hall.
        
When I dialled his number, a woman answered. It was Sarah. "Fox 
Mulder residence."
        
"Hi, Sarah. It's Dana Scully. May I speak to Mulder please?" I asked 
kindly.
        
"Sure." There was a click. She'd put me on hold.
       
A few seconds later, Mulder came on. "Hey, Scully. What's up?"
        
"I have a request for you. Carmen's in the hospital. She has a brain
tumour and it's getting bigger. She collapsed last night while we were at a
pizza parlour."
        
"That's awful. What can I do?"
        
"Carmen wants to you to visit her before she...has to go."
       
"Oh, don't worry. I'll come by tonight. I'm busy right now."
        
"Really? With Sarah?"
        
"Scully, she's helping me clean my apartment."
        
"I don't care. It's none of my business."
        
"See you later, Scully." He hung up and I did as well.
        
I turned to go back to Carmen's room but was surprised to find her 
behind me. "Dana, let's go for a walk around the hospital."
        
"Are you allowed to?" I asked.
        
"Who cares. Besides, my legs are cramping up."
        
"Okay. Just a short walk though."
        
"Alright. Let's go."
        
We started down the hall; Carmen strode ahead of me. "Dana, hurry up. 
If we don't get downstairs quickly, all the best candy bars will be gone."
        
"Carmen, eat some decent food. I'll take you to the cafeteria."
        
"I just want sugar and nothing else."
        
"Well, okay," I said after hesitating for a minute.
        
Downstairs at the vending machines, Carmen ate three candy bars and 
drank two colas. "Want some?" She offered me a chunk of her fourth chocolate 
bar.
        
"No. I don't want--" Carmen stuffed the chocolate in my mouth. I 
chewed and swallowed it. "So why do you really want to see Mulder?" I asked 
curiously.
        
Carmen's smile straightened out. "I want him to deflower me. I'd like 
to lose my virginity before I die."
        
I burst out laughing. "You've got to be kidding me."
        
"No." She was serious or so I thought. She started giggling. "I am 
joking, Dana. I got all that over with a long time ago. The look on your 
face was priceless."
        
"Oh, Carmen." I wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "You're too 
funny." She put her arm around my waist and we walked a little ways further. 
        
"Can we stop at the chapel?" Carmen asked.
        
I didn't really want to. I'd lost touch with religion a while back 
and felt uncomfortable in a church. I still wear my cross but that's only
because my mother gave it to me, for my fifteenth birthday. I was religious
back then. I didn't have science back then.

"Sure. Let's go."

The chapel was dark except for being eerily lit by an ocean of 
candles in the corner. I dampened my forehead with holy water, as well as my 
solar plexus, my shoulders, reciting quietly, "In the name of the Father, 
the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen." 

"Do you go to church often, Dana?" Carmen asked after crossing 
herself with holy water.

"Um, no. I went to confession over a year ago but before that, I 
hadn't been to church in six years."

We went to the front pews and sat down. She said, "I go to church 
when I can. I've been going a lot since I found out I had cancer."

Her face was illuminated orange by the candles and on her cheeks, I 
could see tears. I reached up and brushed them away with my thumb. "Don't 
cry, Carmen, or I might have to as well." It was too late; I was already 
crying.

"I'll tell you this now: I'm not afraid to die. I don't want to but 
I'm not scared."

"That's good. You have to keep that attitude."

We sat in silence, flames flickering in front of us.




Carmen said I should go home to nap. That's when Mulder visited her. 
I was glad he wasn't there when I was. I didn't want him to see me cry as I
watched my friend's health deteriorate.

I wish there was something I could do for Carmen but I knew there was 
no time for treatment. It was too late for anything. I just had to be there
with her and wait for the inevitable, the worse. I didn't want to think
about it but it was reality. I had to face it.
        
I decided to stay home for the night. I talked to Carmen and she was 
fine. She also told me about Mulder's visit. They'd had a great time, just
talking and joking.
        
"He's wonderful but it seems he and Sarah are an item. Besides, I 
don't have enough time for a relationship. I've faced the fact that I'm 
dying." If only I could too, but it hurt a lot, like after Penny died. I'd 
hardly known her but I still felt pain.
        
That night, I had trouble sleeping. All I could think about was 
Carmen. 

        


I awoke to the phone ringing the next morning. My arm shot out from 
under the blanket. "Hello?"
        
"Agent Scully, it's Sarah. Fox told me to call you. The doctors think
Carmen may lapse into a coma soon. They've given her morphine for the pain.
She wants to see you."
        
I hung up the phone and jumped out of bed. I threw on some clothes 
and left a few minutes later.

        


"Scully, I'm glad Sarah got ahold of you." Mulder was standing at the
nurses' station. "Carmen's been asking for you." He had his hand in his
pocket but pulled it out and reached out for mine. "I'm really sorry."
        
"I just want to see Carmen." I pushed by him and headed straight for 
her room.
        
I was in tears by the time I reached the door. I was puzzled; I heard 
loud whistling in Carmen's room. It wasn't human. Finally, I realised it was 
the call of dolphins. Carmen probably had a cassette of New Age music with
dolphins on it.
        
I stepped into the hospital room and bit my lip when I saw my friend.
Carmen was ghost-white but her lovely green eyes lit up when she saw me.
"Hi, Dana."
        
"Hey, Carmen." I approached her bed and bent down to give her a hug 
and kiss. "How's the morphine helping you?"
        
"The pain's gone but that's just the end coming."
        
I clutched her hand. "This is beautiful music."
        
"I told you I wanted to be reincarnated as a dolphin. I really love 
them. They are so free and serene. This is like a requiem for me."
        
I wasn't going to say that everything was going to be okay or that 
she wouldn't die because we both knew the truth. It was only a matter of 
time.
        
We just sat and chatted about trivial things, like the cute guys at 
the pizza parlour. That's when something came to me. "Do you want your 
family here?"
        
"My parents are dead and my only sister Amy ran away when I was 
sixteen. I think she's overseas now."
        
"That's awful." 
        
"I have an aunt in Norfolk but I haven't spoken to her forever."
        
"Well, I'm here as well as Sarah and Mulder. Perhaps Sarah can get 
ahold of Pia."
        
"If she could, it would be great but just as long as you're here, 
that's all that matters."
        
I sat beside Carmen, remaining silent. The music still played. Mulder
joined us a while later.
       
A few words were spoken. I watched in fear as Carmen desperately 
tried to stay awake.
        
She slipped away a few hours later, right in front of me. She went
peacefully but no matter how much Mulder tried to comfort me, I just cried.

        


I left a little while after Carmen died. My vision was blurry and I 
was in no state to be walking around by myself on busy streets.
        
Mulder caught up with me in a playground across from the hospital. I 
was sitting on a swing, moving a bit.
        
"Dana, are you going to be okay?"
        
"I guess. I'm just going to miss her."
        
He sat on the swing beside me. "Of course you will. She was your best
friend and you loved her." He grabbed my hand and I let him this time.
"Dana, if you ever need to talk, I'll still be here. I'll always be here.
I'm not going anywhere." He kissed my hand.
        
"I know, Fox." I got off my swing. "I know the FBI will provide all
funeral costs but I'd like to plan it and I want you to help." He agreed. 
        
I'd lost my best friend but I had another to lean on.

        


What got me most was how such an attractive young woman could die. 
She had her life ahead of her but cancer took over. 
        
I'd been afraid of the same thing Carmen had been frightened of: not
knowing if today would be my last. Carmen helped me. She showed me that
life is what I make of it and death...I shouldn't be afraid of it.
        
A few days later, as Mulder and I were planning Carmen's funeral, he
handed me a tape. "Carmen told me to give you this. She gave it to me when
I first visited her." I put it in my stereo and pressed the PLAY button.
        
It was the tape with dolphins. It was a memory of Carmen and even 
thought I don't believe in reincarnation, as I listened to this requiem for 
Carmen, I hoped she would get her wish to be reborn as a dolphin.
        
My relationship with her brought me to grips with my mortality and 
future, and I don't know what I would have done without her.


END

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