I woke up in the middle of the night on the couch. My throat was dry and tasted like nasty ass. Ike and Zac were asleep in other chairs, Zac a far distance from me, a pillow in his lap.
“How are you?” I turned around. Taylor was sitting on the bottom stair.
“What are you doing down here?” I asked, my voiced cracking.
He pointed to the half-empty glass of water. I took a sip. “We’re still friends, right?” he asked after a few seconds.
“Of course,” I shook my head, and I wanted to add, “or more,” but I sipped more water.
“I told Trina the party was cancelled.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want her to come.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to spend time with you,” he sat down on the couch, but made sure there was plenty of cushion room between us.
“I have a boyfriend,” I blurted out, not wanting him to get unduly sentimental.
“Oh.”
“Thing have been… pretty horrible…”
“I know,” he agreed.
“So, tell me about Trina,” I choked out the sentence, not really wanting to hear at all, but wanting to know.
“She’s pretty cool, I guess.”
I couldn’t help laughing slightly.
“Well, I mean, I know it sounds bad like that. That’s not what I meant,” he laughed uncomfortably, not looking at me, “We met in Nevada, and then she just kind of joined or group of people,” he shrugged.
“And you got it on with her,” I added.
“Shut up. I did not!” he pushed my arm. The spot where his hand touched Zac’s sweater was burning. I could feel his hand on me. I begged him in my head to do it again. “Well what about your butt buddy?” he turned the focus onto me.
“I don’t think you want to hear about that,” I crossed my legs, causing the long sweater to shift and reveal my thigh.
“I told you. Come on, haven’t you heard the expression ‘You show me yours, I’ll show you mine’?”
I busted out laughing, “Are you serious? Besides, I’ve already seen yours… It’s not very impressive.”
“Shut up!” he said again, and leapt on me, trying to beat me up or kill me or something.
“What are you guys doing?!” Ike woke up.
“Ow! You’re hurting me!” I screeched. The sweater was hiked up so that my bare skin was showing. Tay’s hands brushed against me as he tried to pin my hands down. I wanted to faint.
Tay backed off and helped me stand up. I was still a teensy bit drunk. I got all dizzy and put my hand on Ike’s shoulder to steady myself.
“Do you not know she’s drunk?”
“I’m not,” I said, but I stuttered, so it wasn’t a very good argument.
Zac was awake too, still sitting in his chair, watching this all happen, “Yes, you are… Do you even remember anything?”
“No,” but I totally did.
“See?”
“Sit down,” Tay said, his hair all messy because I’d pulled it out of its ponytail.
“You guys, I’m drunk, not retarded.”
“Yea, cuz that’s why you’re stumbling all over yourself,” Zac laughed as I tripped over my boots on the floor.
“Fu*k you,” I stuck my tongue out.
“Hey, anytime.”
“Shut up.”
I lay back on the couch, feeling desperately like I needed to take a shower, “Hey guys,” I spoke up, “did I strip tonight?” I asked, because I’d reached under the sweater to adjust my top.
“Uhh, yea…”
“Not really,” Ike tried to be comforting, “You didn’t really take any clothes off.”
“That’s cuz she didn’t start with any on,” Tay laughed.
“Shut up, all of you. I’m going back to sleep. Please, none of you rape me in my sleep.”
“Yea, she’s not drunk at all,” Zac mumbled.
“I heard that,” I sang as I began to drift off.
“You’re different,” Zac said in the darkness.
“Different like how?” I asked, leaning on him. I wasn’t drunk any more. I couldn’t sleep.
“Well, for one thing, you look different. Your hair is black, and you look like you lost like a million pounds. I mean, your ribs stick out.”
Tears ran silently down my cheeks. I didn’t sniffle, because I didn’t want him to know.
“What’s the matter?” he knew anyway.
“Everything is so fu*ked up, Zac, you have no idea.”
“You can tell me,” his voice was soft. I could feel the vibration of his vocal chords.
“I’m sick again.”
“Sick?” he said after a pause.
“Remember when I fainted and I had to go to the hospital?”
He reached out for my hand in the dark and held it tight as I told him the whole story. He didn’t speak the whole time, he just let me vent.
“And plus,” I paused to wipe more tears, “the doctor thinks I’m bulimic now. I don’t throw up on purpose. I don’t. I just… have to.” He was still silent. I wondered if he was listening. “Zac?”
“Yea?”
“Do you think I’m fu*ked up?”
“No, Robinson, I don’t.”
“I am, Zac. I am.”
Ike made some sounds like he might wake up.
“Come here,” Zac said, pulling my arm and leading me upstairs and through the sliding glass doors out into the backyard. “You’re not fu*ked up, Robinson. You’re physically sick. That’s all.”
“It’s not all… I drink now, obviously. I get so drunk I pass out and can’t remember. I get so drunk I let D.C. pierce my tongue,” I expected him to interrupt me to see it, but he didn’t. “I got so drunk…” I cried harder. He hugged me, patting my back. I moved away from him and rolled up the sweater sleeve. I took off the black leather cuff and revealed the white gauze bandage.
“Oh, Robinson-”
I ripped off the medical tape and showed a long, red gash that had overflowed and left dried blood all over my wrist. The skin was pale and sensitive, feeling bare and exposed like when you take off an old Band Aid.
I my hair was all sticky and hair spray covered. I had to wash it like four times to get all the grossness out. I stepped out of the shower feeling clean, new, and fresh. I wrapped a warm, fluffy towel around myself and walked into my room. I nearly screamed, “Tay!”
“I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“What the fu*k are you doing here?!”
“We’re leaving today.”
“Uh huh,” I tugged my towel tightly around me.
“I just… I felt like things were weird.”
“Uh huh.”
“If we’re not going to… be together, then there’s no reason we can’t go out with other people, right?”
“Are you asking me or telling me?”
“Robinson, you’re really important to me, and I don’t want it to be weird.”
“Uh huh.”
“And so, well…”
“Tay, I’m going out with Dave.”
His face drained of all color, and then got really red. I didn’t know what to say. He knew Dave. He didn’t like Dave. At least with Trina, I didn’t have to deal with her much.
“Oh.”
“But don’t think that means anything between us has to be any different,” I offered, “I mean, like we can still… be friends.”
Tay looked slightly in a daze. I wanted to hug him. But with only a piece of terrycloth covering me, I was afraid to go to close to him.
“Does… does he treat you better than I did?” he asked, his voice quiet.
“Tay, no one could treat me better than you do,” I sat down next to him on the bed and lay my wet head on his shoulder.
“I guess I’ll go.”
“Please don’t,” I grabbed his arm with the hand that wasn’t holding the towel. “Tay, don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad. It’s just… were you… I mean, while we were going out… did you…”
“No, Taylor, not at all. Ever. I would never cheat on you.”
“Well, I guess I just thought…”
“I know. I didn’t want to tell you, but-”
“How about we have a rule,” he took my hand. “We can tell each other everything.”
“Okay,” I smiled.
He kissed my cheek, smiling, and left me there in my room, alone and dripping. My face burned.
