“Wanna come out and smoke with me?”
“No, but I will.”
“Did you ever notice that whenever I go out to smoke, something weird and life changing happens?” he laughed. “Like last time you dumped my ass.”
“I did not.”
“Well then are we going out?”
I hesitated, “I dunno.”
“Exactly.”
“Well… it’s like… when Taylor’s here…”
“I know, you remember how much you love him and sh*t and how not-good-enough I am, and how much I’ve f*cked up your life and sh*t.”
“Shut up. That’s not true.”
“Well then why aren’t we going out anymore?”
“Did you seriously enjoy your lack of daily random sex while dating me anyway?”
“Who says I didn’t have random daily sex.”
“F*ck off,” I laughed.
“Seriously.”
“Well did you?”
“No, not at all.”
“And did you enjoy it?”
“I was with you. That was different.”
“What, I fulfilled you in other ways? Please.”
“What if you did? I could go on a whole rant about how I was a batter man because of you.”
“Shut the f*ck up,” I took his pre-weed stog from his hand and took a few puffs.
“Did you know I was on coke before I met you? Hardcore. Five lines a day maybe.”
“Stop lying,” I ashed it and handed it back to him.
“You f*cking think I’m lying?!”
“No.” I knew he wasn’t lying. I don’t even know why I said he was. It actually didn’t surprise me. I could kind of tell he needed me.
“You know what I did last night?”
“What?”
“After all you guys left, D.C. and I went over to some kid’s house, and we bumped some K, and then later, the kid handed me some coke. I could have done it. You wouldn’t have known.”
Tears were trying to burst out of my eyes. I cursed myself for becoming this blubbering mess when I used to be so strong about everything.
“You wouldn’t have known!” he repeated.
“No,” I said quietly.
He dropped the stog and pulled me to him, holding both my arms tightly, “But you know what I f*cking did? I threw the sh*t back in his face.”
Tears were leaking out of my eyes as he shook me and his voice got harsher. I knew what he was saying. He wanted to be going out. He didn’t want to be broken up.
“Fine,” my voice was weak and soft.
“Don’t f*cking pity me,” he let go sadly.
“What the f*ck do you want me to do then?!” I screamed, tears flowing. I couldn’t help it. What did he want from me?
“I don’t know,” his voice pleaded, “Why do you have to love him?”
I almost fainted. For real. He was worried about me loving Taylor? WTF? Since when does Dave love anyone? Since when does his heart get in the way of anything? I didn’t know what to say to him. He was my friend, and that’s how I loved him. Sure, we’d seen each other naked, and, yes, that did weird me out, but what was I supposed to do? I can’t make myself want him like that. I can’t make him not want me like that.
“Why am I f*cked up?” he asked, sitting on the edge of the bridge. I remembered the time I jumped off, and wanted to right now, even though I knew I wouldn’t get hurt.
“Stop f*cking doing drugs.” I was an insensitive b*tch.
“I’m sorry,” he said it over and over, taking my hands and pleading. He knew he’d scared me and confused me and polluted my mind. I wanted him to know that we were still friends and I didn’t want him to be on drugs.
“Let’s go to a party,” I smiled, wiping some tears away.
