By the time we were on the ride home again, Dave and I could talk without me having any kind of a breakdown. We weren’t acting normally, though. I hardly ever let Dave touch me. I felt violated by… the laws of nature. It was majorly obvious that something was up, but I couldn’t help it. Oscar and Muf kept whispering things to Dave. Once I heard Muf ask if we were broken up. Not yet.
They dropped me off first and I don’t think I was ever more excited to be home. I plopped down my bag in the front hall and sprawled out on the floor.
“You guys are back?”
“D.C.? What are you doing here?” I asked from my position on the floor.
“Visiting Heidi.”
“Oh.”
“She’s been really upset lately,” D.C. started sucking on a piece of dyed-blue hair that was hanging in her face.
“I’ve noticed.”
“Maybe you should talk to her.”
I wanted to tell D.C. to f*ck off and die, because if there was anymore emotional crap in my life, I was going to die… but of course, I just smiled and nodded. After she left, I grumbled and whined to no one, cursing every step up to the second floor.
“Heidi?” I knocked on the door.
“Yea?”
“Can I come in?”
“Okay.”
I opened the door and found her laying back on her bed, her pillow clutched to her chest. “What’s up?” I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“We need to talk,” she sat up, wringing her hands.
“Okay.”
“No, like, seriously,” got off the bed and started to pace.
“Okay.”
“But I have to wait until after the play.”
“The play?”
“We open in two days… and then we go until Saturday night. And then we’ll talk. We’ll have a big talk.”
She was pacing, wringing her hands like a crazy person. I nodded, backing up, trying to get out as fast as possible.
Jesus! What a goddamn week! I cheated on my boyfriend, Zac is in love with me, I lost my virginity, and I live with a psycho. There was only one person that I could talk to.
“Taylor?” I whispered into the phone.
“Yes, love?” he whispered back.
“I need you.”
“Why are we whispering?”
“I think I’m going to go f*cking crazy.”
“No need to get vulgar, dearie. Come on over.”
“I can’t… uh… meet me in the woods.”
“Sure thing.”
“I’m beginning to think that your life is a soap opera,” he laughed as I told him about Heidi.
“Seriously,” I shook my head, feeling guilty because he didn’t know about Zac or the virginity issue.
“So why are we here, in the dark?”
“I can’t go into your house anymore,” I frowned.
“Why not?”
I leapt on him. We tumbled off whatever we’d been sitting on, and rolled onto some crunchy dried leaves. When our mouths parted, I could only see his face from the light that his backyard floodlights projected. The light switched off.
“I feel safe when I’m with you,” I said, my face resting on his neck. I sat up, rolling off him, because tears had begun again to roll down my cheeks. “I’m like a f*cking faucet!” I jumped up angrily, wiping my eyes furiously.
Out of the darkness, his arms were around me. He pulled my hands away from my face and let me rest my head on his shoulder. “Just cry,” I could hear the smile in his voice as he spoke.
I did. And through the tears, I talked. I let it all spew out, probably near incoherently. I talked about how I just wanted my mom to come home and I didn’t want to go to classes anymore. I didn’t want to be in the band anymore because ever since I met Dave, my life was in an upheaval. At the same time, I loved singing more than anything, and I couldn’t just stop touring once we started. I blubbered endlessly on the state of my health, and how I knew that I was doing all these problems to myself, and that my self-esteem was as low as ever, because I was skinny and pale and sickly looking. I confessed that I dyed my hair black because I felt black inside. It was a screaming cry for help. I knew that he liked my hair the way it used to be, and I mourned because now I had wrecked what he loved about me. And then I carried on about Heidi and that she was never at home anymore, and that she was making me crazy because she was going crazy.
“Tay?” I finally breathed a heavy inhale.
“Hm?”
“Did you get all that?” I laughed, holding him tight.
He laughed, stroking my hair, “Every last detail.”
I just wanted to blurt out all about Zac and how confused it made me and that I loved him, too, but not in that way. I wanted nothing more than to make him feel okay, but I didn’t know what to do.
I wanted even more badly to talk about losing my virginity and what a painful disappointment it had been. It was scary and confusing and what I didn’t want to say out loud was that the whole time, I really wanted it to be him. But that would be even worse cheating.
I sighed. “Hey,” Tay said, holding me back from him by the elbows, “Wanna come over?”
Did I ever. I wanted to sneak inside with him again and climb on the roof and lower myself through the window and sleep on his little twin bed, all close and warm and familiar and safe.
“I’d better not,” I looked away, “You know, the whole… boyfriend thing and all.”
“We don’t have to do anything… I just want to be close to you.”
I just wanted to melt. Blushing, I muttered, “How do you expect me to resist you?”
