Vince was in the elevator. “Hi,” I said.
“We’re going to the pool,” Ike said.
“It’s closed,” Vince stated.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it’l only opened until 8,” he explained.
“But I want to go swimming,” I whined.
“I could get you guys in,” Vince offered, “as long as the lights stay dimly lit, and you’re not too loud.”
“Really?” I asked, “but won’t you get in trouble?”
“Well, maybe a little, but my dad owns the place, and so as long as you guys don’t break anything or make a lot of noise, then he won’t really care.”
“That’s awesome!” I jumped up and down with excitement.
“Follow me,” he instructed. We got off at the lobby, and Vince led us to the pool. He pulled some keys from his pocket and unlocked the door. He put on the lights that lit up the pool and clicked on one or two of the ceiling lights. “There you go,” he smiled.
“Thanks a lot, man,” Ike said.
“Yea, this is awesome,” Tay agreed.
“Thanks,” I said. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek.
“No problem,” he said, looking directly at me.
He left. I took off my pants and the shirt that Tay had lent me. I turned around. Zac was staring at me, with his mouth hanging open. “What?” I asked. I looked at myself. I was still wearing the bathing suit I’d had on earlier in the day.
"Did you just kiss him?” he asked.
“On the cheek,” I shrugged.
“But, you just kissed him, just like that?” Zac seemed surprised.
“Yea,” I shrugged.
“Slut,” Zac said under his breath.
“Excuse me? You better have been kidding, Zacky,” I said defensively. He removed his shirt and jumped into the pool. “Was he kidding?” I asked Tay. He shrugged and walked by me.
“Oh, come on guys, what do you think I am, a nun? It’s not like I Frenched him or something,” I sighed, sitting on the edge of the pool. “Fine, ignore me.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat there, my head turned away from them.
“You know he didn’t mean it,” Tay said, swimming by.
“Then why didn’t he laugh or something?” I wondered.
“Maybe he did and you didn’t hear him,” Tay shrugged.
“Then why is he ignoring me?” I yelled.
“Shh, don’t be loud,” Tay scolded.
“Well, why is he so pissed at me? I didn’t do anything.”
“Maybe you should go talk to him,” Tay suggested.
“All right,” I said. I slipped inot the water and swam over by Zac.
“Hi,” I said.
“Hi,” Zac replied shortly.
“Talk to me,” I pleaded.
“Come with me,” he instructed
I followed him into the sauna. He locked the door. “I don’t know if you should do that, I don’t know how long I’m going to breathe in here,” I said, waving the steam from my eyes.
“If you just kiss him like that, without knowing him, without caring about him, then how do I know that when you kissed me, it wasn’t the same thing?” Zac demanded.
“Oh, Zac-” I began.
“I was mad at you at first. I thought you just did it to make me feel better, because I went to you for help, but then when you came to see me on Ike’s birthday, I thought, ‘Well, maybe she really does like me...’” his voice trailed off. He was pacing the floor.
“Yea, but Zac, that was totally different,” I sighed.
“Yea? In what way, Robinson? You’d only known me for a week or so; you hardly knew me. You hardly know me now!” he yelled.
I took a deep breath. It was really hot in there, but if we turned the steam off, you’d be able to hear us out in the pool. “Zac, look, like I said, I don’t know why I kissed you, but I can tell you that at least it felt a lot different. I mean, when I kissed, him, it was just because I was hyper. I was grateful, you know, just a crazy, spontaneous thing,” I said quietly and clamly.
“Yea? What did it feel like when you kissed me? Were you doing me a favor? Was it some kind of act of charity? You kissed him out of gratefullness, and me out of pity.” He stormed out of the sauna.
I went after him. “Is he okay?” Ike asked from the pool.
“I need to talk to him,” was all I said. I followed him into the unisex bathroom and then into the little shower area type thing, where he sat on a bench. “Look, I know you’re mad at me, and I can see why. I’m sorry. I’ll regret kissing you if you want me to, I’ll tell him to kiss my ass and die, just don’t be mad at me, Zac. You’re my buddy.”
“Robinson, why did you kiss me?”
“I-I was... I just...” I stammered.
“Let me guess, you just don’t know?” he growled.
“What do you want me to do, lie to you? Do you want me to make up some reason? Okay, fine, I kissed you because I’m madly in love with you, and I couldn’t help myself,” I yelled.
“What I want is for you to tell me the truth. You had to have had some motivation,” he looked at the floor.
“Motivation?” I asked.
“Yea, you had to have some feelings or something that made you do it.”
“I only kissed Vince on the cheek, Zac, it was nothing. If you want, I’ll tell him that it was a mistake.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” he yelled.
“I don’t know, Zac, okay? I don’t know!” I was feeling angry, upset, and confused.
“Fine then, just don’t talk to me!” he yelled and stormed out. I didn’t follow him this time, I just sat there on the bench in the bathroom feeling incredibly guilty, dazed, and alone.
A few minutes later, Tay and Ike came into the bathroom. “Robinson, are you okay?” Tay asked in a soft voice.
“I’m cold,” I said almost indifferently.
“I figured you’d say that,” Ike smiled sweetly and handed me a towel.
I wrapped the towel around my shoulders. “Zac went upstairs,” Tay said.
“He’s a little mad at me,” I said. “Okay, maybe he’s a lot mad at me.”
“You can talk to us about it,” Ike sat next to me.
“No, that’s the thing, I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t,” I sighed, attempting to figure out something to say to Zac.
“It’s okay,” Ike put his hand on my back.
“It’s not okay,” I shook my head. “What am I supposed to do now?” I asked myself out loud.
“Want to back to the hotel room?” Tay asked.
“Zac’s there,” I tried to think. “I’ll just stay here for a little bit longer, and then I’ll go home.”
“Just stay here, Robinson,” Tay advised.
“Yea, you can sleep in by our sisters,” Ike said, standing up.
“It’s too late to go home now,” Tay looked at his watch.
“I guess you’re right,” I admitted reluctantly. I hoped I hadn’t totally ruined Zac’s life. I knew that not only by kissing him, but especially by kissing Vince, I had totally screwed up. But, what’s done is done and that’s what caused the stabbing pain inside of me. I felt like a total slutwhore. I could imagine how insecure Zac would be about the whole thing, partially because of his fame, and partially because I’d told him I didn’t know why I kissed him. I sighed and followed Ike and Tay out of the bathroom amd grabbed my pants. I put on the shirt Tay had lent me. It occurred to me that even just a short time ago, when Tay had lent me that shirt, I was still great friends with Zac.We were dancing, but now, I felt sick just thinking about him, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to look at him.
“What about the elevator?” I asked right before Ike pressed the button.
“What about it?”
“I can’t see him, Vince, I can’t see him.” Seeing Vince would make me feel like an even bigger whore.
“I think there’s another elevator down the hall,” Tay led us to another elevator. This one was smaller and didn’t even have a bellboy.
We took it up. Just outside their door, I said, “Ike, will you get my clothes for me?” They’re in the corner.”
“Sure,” he smiled.
“And I’ll get you a shirt that you can sleep in,” Tay offered.
“Thanks,” I smiled tightly. I felt kind of stupid, but I knew if I saw Zac I would either start yelling at him or break down and cry.
I stood in the hallway, leaning against the door to their parents’ room. I heard them say things like, “Hey, Zac,” and all that boring, nonchalant stuff.
“Where is she?” I heard Zac ask angrily.
“Outside,” Tay said quietly.
“I need to talk to her,” he growled.
“Why don’t you just wait until morning?” Ike asked.
“No, now,” he pushed passed Ike and came out into the hallway.
“Look,” he pointed at me, before he spoke, he looked into the room. He grabbed my by the arm and led me to the stairwell.
“I don’t want to,” I protested.
He sat me down on the stairs, “Look, Robinson...”
I rested my head in my arm. “Please, stop, I feel bad enough already.”
“Look, I just want to know what you feel about me. I just want to know, what does it mean when you kiss someone?”
“Zac, I’d say that even though I’ve only known you for a short time, you’re one of my best friends,” I paused to breathe deeply and keep my composure, “I kissed you because I felt the same way you did. I felt unloved, I felt confined by myself, I felt alone,” I breathed again, “When you said all that stuff to me, it was like, you really understood me, and I really understood you. I was really happy.”
“You feel the same way?” he asked quietly.
“Yea,” I almost whispered.
“But...”
“Zac, it was my first kiss, too, and I didn’t know what to feel. It was just something spontaneous. It had no hidden meaning. I kissed you because it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but I guess I was wrong again.”
“You really understood what I was saying?”
“Yea, and that’s why... if that’s not a good enough answer, then I’m sorry. It’s the truth, only I didn’t know that until now.”
“So, what now?”
“That’s why I’m so upset. I was afraid that I’d totally messed up this friendship that could be the best one I’ve ever had. I feel like we’re so...” I wrung my hands like I usually do when I am frustrated and I don’t know what to say.
“Robinson,” he said.
“Hm?” I looked up.
“I’m really sorry,” he shook his head. “I thought you were trying to mess with my head or something, you know, just kissing me becuase it made you feel better... I guess I’m a little insecure...”
“Zac, I wouldn’t do that,” I admitted.
He put his hand on my face and looked me in the eyes. He put his arms around me and pulled me close. I hugged him back.
“You’re a really great friend,” he said. “Not many other people would be friends with me after I yelled at them.”
“Thanks,” I smiled.
“But, Tay?” he asked.
“What?”
“If we’re such great friends, how would you explain this feeling?”
“What feeling?”
“I want to... I want you to...” he stammered, “I want us to...”
“I haven't a clue what you're talking about," I lied, looking into his eyes. I knew the feeling. I knew what he was going to say.
“Well?” he asked.
“I guess we’re going to have one interesting friendship,” I laughed.
“Yea, but...”
“What should we do?” I asked.
He closed his mouth over mine softly. I felt warm and at home. It wasn’t romantic or like that kind of love, but right then, I think I fell in love with Zac Hanson. He was my best friend.
I pulled my mouth away from his, “Tay and Ike probably think you threw me down the stairs,” I laughed.
“Let’s go,” he helped me up off the stair.
We went back up the stairwell.
“All better?” Tay asked when I followed Zac into the room.
“Yea, and thanks a whole lot, you guys,” I hugged Tay and Ike at the same time.
“No problem,” they said in unison.
“Can I sleep in here?” I asked.
“Sure, the cot you ordered came,” Ike said, pointing to it.
“Okay, I’ll sleep there,” I said.
“Here,” Tay handed me and Adidas shirt. I went into the bathroom, washed my face, and put on the shirt. It reached almost to my knees.
“This fits you?” I asked, watching the arms hang down.
“No,” he laughed.
“Whose is it?” I wondered.
“Ike’s, but it’s too big on him, too,” Tay smiled.
All of us lay on the big bed (which we decided that Tay and Zac were going to sleep, Ike was sleeping on a cot like me) and watched TV.
“Zac, why were you so mad at Robinson?” Ike asked as we watched an episode of Jenny Jones.
“Um,” he looked at me.
“We had a little... thing to work out,” I smiled.
“Okay, whatever.”
We must have fallen asleep becuase the next thing I new, I woke up in the middle of the night (like 3 in the morning). Tay, who was next to me, had his arm draped over my chest. I moved it slowly to avoid waking him up.
I stepped out onto the balcony. It was cold, but I didn’t care. I just stood out there in bare feet enjoying the air and the sounds of the cars and the lights. I was home.
I stepped back inside the hotel room, closed the door behind me and crawled onto the cot. I snuggled down into the fuzzy blanket and let sleep overtake me.
