By Natalie
As long as he lived, Oz didn’t think he could get the picture out of his mind. Willow and Xander... Oh, God, he had to stop thinking about that.After Cordelia fell, Oz said he was going for help, and that gave him time to calm down, and try to stop thinking. He had Cordelia to worry about, and that was more important than any betrayal. And he didn't want to deal with Willow and Xander. Not now. He really didn’t want to yell, and that was what he probably would have ended up doing. They got the ambulance there for Cordelia, then waited at the hospital for a while. Oz hadn’t stayed, though. He’d check up on Cordelia later, he just couldn’t be there.
Now, as he laid on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, he realized he didn’t want to be here, either. He didn’t want to be in this situation altogether.
He had to wonder how long this was going on. Was this the first time they had kissed, or had it been going on for longer? And was this as far as it had gone? And why was Willow so unhappy with him that she had run to Xander?
Oz had thought it was all going well. Sure, they had disagreements from time to time, but nothing big. Willow made him happy. He liked being with her. He might even be willing to say that he could maybe possibly love her. Or he was at least getting to that point.
He though she felt the same way.
Obviously he was wrong.
He refused to tell himself that this wasn’t happening, that this was a bad dream. It just felt like it. He wasn’t going to delude himself into thinking this would all work itself out here. Because if Willow wanted to be with Xander here, obviously there were problems that needed to be dealt with. But instead of coming to him to deal with them, she was running to Xander...
And Oz knew Cordelia was going to have it rough. Before he left the hospital, he had been told that she would live and would be back to normal in no time, he knew better. Cordelia was dealing with the same thing he was. He could empathize with her completely on this one.
Plus there was the fact that they had been so panicked when Willow and Xander were discovered to be missing. He and Cordelia had freaked out, had done everything they could to find them, or at least to find Giles to help find them. Because neither of them could stand to see something happen to them.
And then wham! A giant slap in the face.
He did care about Willow. A lot. But he had never known that anything could hurt so much. How was he supposed to trust her after this? How could he look at Xander and know that he’d kissed her? How could he see the two of them together? Oz refused to be the Emily of this relationship, like when she forbade Ross to see Rachel. He wasn’t that kind of guy, and that was even more unfair than what they had done. If Willow didn’t want to be with him, she didn’t want to be with him.
It really wasn’t as much of a blow to the ego as it was feeling like his heart had just been ripped out of his chest and tap danced on by someone wearing stiletto heels. Repeating a year of high school hadn’t been as bad, just because it meant he got to spend more time with her. The first time he ever saw her... It was like at first sight. He had even tried to meet her on purpose, going out of his way just to try to talk to her.
The first time he talked to her, he had been convinced that she was the most adorably perfect person ever to walk the Earth. Right off the bat, she understood him, knew when he was joking and when he wasn’t... He had been convinced that they were perfect for each other, and he was comfortable with her, and...
Then she kissed Xander.
Oz wasn’t angry. Not yet, anyway. But he felt more or less completely empty inside. He hated this feeling, and when he thought that it was Willow who had caused him to feel like this... He could blame this all on Xander, but he wouldn’t do that. Again, back to the deluding himself thing. Willow was just as much at fault.
Now came the question at hand. Could he forgive her for this? She was essentially cheating on him, depending on how long this had been going on. Oz wanted to be able to forgive her, but when he weighed it all against the way he felt right now, he didn’t know if he could.
He sat up, pulling his legs underneath him so that he was sitting cross-legged on his bed. He looked over at the phone, and for a split second he debated calling Willow, to yell, to talk, whatever. But he wouldn’t. He wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. He didn’t want to hear her apologies or explanations. In time he would learn to deal with this and how to react to her.
But for now, he just didn’t know.
The End.
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