By Kitt
Author's Notes: This story just popped into my head and I *had* to get it
out.
It’s fun for the whole family! To our unpopular friends the hackers. May you show us the way.
Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful maiden called Hackerella. She earned this name because she was most skilled at hacking into secret files on her mystical, magic computer. She was by far the most kind, graceful and lovely damsel in the land, though she was known to burst into song for no apparent reason. She had hair and lips the color of blood, eyes green as the grass, and skin pale as snow. In other words, she was a nice change of pace from the dimwitted blonde-haired, blue-eyed twits of the time. She lived with her stepmother, Snyderia, and her two stepsisters, Duffy and Boredelia. Duffy and Boredelia were nice for the most part, although Boredelia could be bitchy and Duffy kept disappearing every night with a pointy stick in her hand. But Snyderia was an evil, troll-like woman who was determined to make life difficult for poor Hackerella. She would be forced to cook and clean at all hours, and wear dirty rags. Hackerella only had one true friend, Dander, but he was smitten with Boredelia and completely ignored Hackerella. Plus he was a complete idiot. Hackerella secretly longed for a man with her intelligence, kindness, and exceptional hacking skills. But alas, she was alone until one fateful day.
*****
Duffy and Boredelia pranced merrily into the house, as only girls of that era could merrily prance. Boredelia waved a piece of paper in the air and cried, “The prince is having a ball!”
Snyderia gasped. “The prince is having a ball?”
Duffy squealed with delight. “The prince is having a ball!” Then the entire town burst into a five-minute song and dance number featuring that short guy from Seinfeld. When they finally calmed down, Snyderia ushered her two daughters out into the village to find the perfect outfits for the ball. Hackerella sighed softly and thought of the charming prince Az. She had heard her stepsisters talk of his wonders. Surely, he was a man worthy of Hackerella. Plus Az was *such* a cool name. But alas again for poor Hackerella, for Snyderia wouldn’t let her go to the ball out of fear that Hackerella’s charm would ruin the chances for her lovely little daughters. Hackerella cried softly and went to her room in the attic. She sang a sad song to some talking mice and went to sleep, dreaming of her prince.
*****
Meanwhile in his castle, Prince Az sighed as he listened to his parents drone on about plans for the ball. They had invited all the eligible girls in Sunnyhaven Kingdom in the hopes that he would fall for one of them and get married. But Prince Az knew that all the groupie maidens were the same. They all wanted him because he was charming, and handsome and smart. He was a little short, but he had that cute alternative look that was so popular at the time. But the prince desired a different woman. A lady whose intelligence, kindness and exceptional hacking skills matched his own. But alas, such a treasure was not to be found. So Prince Az stepped onto the balcony and sang a song about his love that he would never find. Boo-hoo.
*****
It was the night of the ball, and the villagers rejoiced. All the girls of the Sunnyhaven Kingdom were there, except of course for Hackerella. She sat on the steps of her house and cried into her hands. Just as she was about to sing of her misfortunes, she saw a bright pink flash and there before her was a man in a pink tweed tutu.
“Ah… er…um…eh…” The man stammered in a British accent. “My name is Niles, and I’m your fairy god-watcher. I-I’m here to send you to the ball.”
Hackerella was barely able to compose herself after seeing Niles’ attire, but she managed to ask him, “How? I’m only wearing this ragged fuzzy sweater and overalls.”
Niles waved his magic wand and *PRESTO! * Hackerella was wearing a beautiful gown.
“Wow. That was pretty impressive. What else can you do?”
Niles waved his wand-thingy again and there appeared a coach with coachmen and a driver.
“Thank you so much!” Hackerella cried. “This is wonderful.”
“Just make that you’re back home by midnight. The spell wears out then.”
*That’s one cheap-ass spell. * Hackerella thought, but she didn’t dare say it to the man with the magic wand. She stepped into the coach, and made her way to the castle to meet her prince. On the way, she opened her purse to reveal a glass computer disk. *Cool. *
*****
Meanwhile (again) at the castle, Prince Az had finished waltzing with another ditzty groupie when at the top of the stairs, he saw the most beautiful maiden he had ever seen. “Who *is * that damsel?” He murmured as she shyly walked down the stairs. Prince Az dropped the groupie (literally) and made his way to the girl. “May I have this dance?” He asked in his best look-at-me-I’m-a-cute-charming-prince-with-cool-hair-voice. She blushed and took his hand. They waltzed over the fallen groupie and around the ballroom. They were so engrossed with one another that they didn’t notice when they danced out an open door into the empty courtyard. They stared deep into each other’s eyes and when the dance ended, they began singing about love, and fate, and stars. I think they mentioned flowers, too, I’m not sure. Anyway, it was a perfect evening and they had just leaned in for a kiss when the bell tolled midnight. Hackerella wigged and ran out, dropping her glass computer disk.
“Wait!” Prince Az called out. “What’s your name?” But Hackerella was long gone. Prince Az picked up the glass computer disk and vowed (in song, of course.) to find his love again. (Cue powerful music.)
*****
Two days after the ball, Hackerella sat on her bed feeling sorry for herself. She would probably never see Prince Az again. She did what *all* girls back then did when they were sad. She sang.
“HACKERELLA!” Snyderia bellowed from downstairs. “COME DOWN HERE!”
Hackerella rapidly finished her song and came downstairs. Her heart stopped when she saw Prince Az of all people holding her glass computer disk. She made a few vowely sounds and curtsied.
The prince began to speak. “Hackerella, I am searching for a maiden I met at the ball. I am asking all the girls in the village to try to open this disk. Will you try it?”
Hackerella’s heart sang. She quickly opened the disk on her mystical, magical computer. The villagers rejoiced.
“It’s you!” Prince Az cried happily. He got down on one knee and took Hackerella’s hand into his. “I’m going to ask you to marry me now. I actually kinda nervous about it. It’s interesting.”
Hackerella smiled warmly at her sweet prince. (Awwww.) “Oh, well if it helps at all, I’m gonna say ‘yes’.”
“Hackerella, will you marry me?”
“No!”
That last comment came not from Hackerella of course, but from the evil Snyderia. *Dun dun dunn.*
“She *can’t* marry you! My Duffy or Boredelia was going to!”
Duffy scoffed. “No way, Mom. Let Hackerella marry him. I’m in love with another.”
“So am I.” Boredelia proclaimed. “And I don’t care who knows it!”
Hackerella turned back to Prince Az “Of course I’ll marry you!” They kissed, and the villagers rejoiced. Duffy and Boredelia cried happily for their stepsister (see? They’re not so bad.) And Snyderia had a heart attack right there and died. And the villagers rejoiced. Hackerella and Prince Az were married. Duffy and Boredelia brought their boyfriends, Devil and Dander to the ceremony. Hackerella and Az had seven children and they named them Willow, Buffy, Xander, Oz, Cordelia, Giles, and Angel simply because they thought those were really cool names. And they lived (say it with me now) happily ever after.
The End.
(And the villagers rejoiced.)
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