By Amy
I sat down next to her, Willow, my Willow, and took her hand as she looked at me questioningly. She looked so pretty there, the night before her wedding, sitting in a long, creamy colored nightgown, brushing her auburn hair past her shoulders. She set down the brush and gave me her full attention.I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to take her into my arms and tell her not to marry Oz. I wanted... I wanted so many things. I wanted her to be mine again, solely mine, living for me as I lived for her.
But I was too late, I think. She wasn't mine anymore. No longer after this night could I ever say "My Willow" without being wrong. She would belong to him, and not me, and that tore me up on some horrible levels. She licked her lips slowly and I watched the movement.
"Xander?" she prompted.
I blushed, looking away. "Sorry... I just spaced out for a second there. I just wanted to say..." I met her eyes, those eyes that made me feel like I was perpetually eighteen again and seeing her for the first time, and I knew that I couldn't do it. "That I'm really happy for you, Wills," I said softly.
She smiled brilliantly and looked down at the glittering ring on her finger. "I am, too. And thanks, Xander. It couldn't mean more to me than it does coming from you." She pulled me into a long, warm hug, and I caught the faint, lingering scent of her hair, like the flowers in the park we used to go to. I smiled sadly, with her unable to see me. She was exactly the same, and so different, too.
I sat, holding her soft, warm body in my arms for possibly the last time like it, and I was overcome with memories. The first time I saw her, her hair gloss and bright in the sun, the first time we met Buffy, and when we cried together over Jesse. When our whole group of friends went on a picnic and played on the merry go round. When she told me she loved me, the night I slept with Faith. Everything that was good and clean and pure went through my mind in that moment. And yet, I still had trouble not crying.
My world was coming together, and still it was falling apart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was my wedding day, and I knew I glowed. Everything was perfect. Buffy and Cordelia were in their dark green velvet dresses, and I was in mine. Oz was waiting for me at the head of the altar. Xander and Giles were dressed to kill, and the world rested in my palm.
What a perfect, perfect day.
I sighed a little, thinking of Oz as I clipped on the gold necklace with the small pearl pendant around my neck. Everything I wanted; Someone to treat me right, someone to love me as much as I could ever love him. Someone who made me feel special with a simple look. His quirky smile, his gentle sense of humor.
Yes, I was happy.
I felt like I was shining. I felt like... Everything was right, finally right, with my life and with the world. At least for this one day in my lifetime, I was determined to be totally happy, completely joyous with how far I had come.
A knock on the door sounded and Xander asked if he could come in. Calling out that he could, he stepped in quickly and closed the door behind him. I had just sent Buffy and Cordelia out of the room, so we were alone, and my breath caught at how handsome my best friend looked, and how proud I was of him.
His breath caught too, and I grinned, glancing in the mirror. The dress was ivory, with a long train, elaborate lace decorating it. It flared at my hips, falling to the floor softly, and the bodice hugged my breasts and stomach, little pearls trimming the sleeves and scooped neckline. My hair was pinned up loosely on my head, and lots of little curled tendrils escaped, framing my face underneath the lace veil. I was wearing small pearl earrings and a necklace. I looked back at Xander and lowered my eyes at his intense stare.
"You're beautiful," he whispered, almost in awe. I blushed deeply at the adoration I found on his face and then playfully hit his arm with my hand.
"Stop," I mumbled, smiling. He took my hand.
"No," he said, his eyes large and shining hazel. "You're *so* beautiful, Willow, that I can't even describe it. You're the most..." His lower lip trembled a moment. "I'm in love with you."
I laughed. "Come on, Xander! You'd better get out there, the wedding is going to start in..." I checked my tiny watch, "seven minutes."
"Willow," he said, more firmly. "I'm in love with you. I was going to stay quiet about it, but... I saw you like this, and it's just that... I don't want you dressed like that for anyone but me. I want all your days and your nights and I want you to-- to love me like you used to. Maybe like you still do?" he asked hopefully before rushing on. "Don't marry Oz, Willow. Marry me."
I could imagine my heart shriveling in my chest, the world falling away and leaving Xander and I and this one, gaping, unfair choice. I stared at him, at his pleading eyes and uncharacteristically serious face and remembered my life with him, and my life with Oz. Pain and hurt with Xander, but also love, a deep and real love that would always be in me. Because I did love him. I loved him more than almost anything.
But not more than I loved Oz.
"No," I said softly. He flinched and gazed at me, and I rested my hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Xander... I do love you, part of me always will." I gave him a small smile. "My childhood sweetheart. One of the most important men in my life, one of the men who made me become who I am. Of course I love you. But not like that, not anymore. I love Oz now."
He looked down at his shoes and the corners of his lips turned down. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I just... Hoped, I guess. We're twenty-two now, and it'll never be the same, will it? Not even if I love you like that."
"No," I replied. "It can't be the same. But do you really want it to be, Xand? It wasn't ever as perfect as it is right now, and besides... I don't think you really love me like that. I think..."
"Yeah?" he prompted hoarsely.
"I think you're holding onto something of our childhood. Maybe that's what I represent to you. But I need to grow up. Totally and completely, with the man I'm supposed to be with. Be my friend and love me like always?"
He looked up and smiled, but I could see sadness hiding behind his eyes. "*For* always," he corrected, crushing me in a hug.
Finally, he pulled back, and I smiled at him impishly. "Besides, did you hear what Cordelia was saying about you earlier? I believe it was something like, 'He doesn't look totally disgusting today.' She's still got it bad."
Xander laughed, and again, all was right in my world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The wedding went off perfectly, tears and smiles in perfect accompaniment. Xander watched us with something that looked like sadness and understanding at the same time. I wondered what he and Willow had talked about in her dressing room. Whatever it was, it couldn't have been as bad as I had imagined, because there she was, a few minutes later, stunning and beaming in her gown, walking down the aisle.
Walking down the aisle to me.
To marry me.
Pride isn't even a word that describes that second, where I saw her face, which was partially hidden by the veil. She smiled at me from underneath it, and it was suddenly like the room had been dark before, and light at been let in, filling and warming the place.
And then we exchanged vows and it was the moment of truth. I lifted her veil to see her face streaked with glittery tears, and she was never more beautiful to me. She lifted her chin and I met her lips with mine, and all of the sudden I was crying too.
Everyone accuses me of being way too cool.
Boy, were they shocked.
I smiled, pulling away from her mouth, even as I wanted to get lost in her kisses. She wrapped her arm around mine and we started down the aisle, and I noticed the tiny smile she exchanged with Xander on our way down.
"What happened with him?" I asked softly, under my breath. She treated me to another of her wonderful smiles and she answered me with all I needed to hear, all I'll ever need to hear.
Her voice was soft, lilting, sweet. Perfect. "I love you, Oz."
And with her soft, honest words, something fell into place. My world was complete.
The End.
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