Jesse, Jesse, are you there? It's Baba Wawa reporting live from her room, as usual. I know you're there, and you're probably cracking up.But I still wonder what you're thinking, cause I know you can't help but be watching me and I'm just bettin you're laughing, saying, hey, my little buddy Willow finally got some. Ha, ha ha to you to, Jess.
Which I guess is great if you're you, which you are. I think the only thing I've ever wanted was to be loved, but too shy to ever tell anyone, which i guess sorta makes sense.
With my parents, it was always 'ok, sweetie, we'll be back in three weeks, you be good for the sitter, all right?' I'm not bitter or anything, because in it's own indirect way has made me independent, I guess. That and they've always given me anything I wanted, even if they weren't always here. But I knew they loved me, but I guess there were times with them when I just wasn't sure. Because when I was little, I wanted to be cared for and safe, not by my sitters, but by my mom or dad.
So I guess it was inborn for me to look elsewhere, knowing my parents weren't ever there for me. I always knew you loved me, I mean, I've known you longer than xander, or had when you well, you know. But Xander was something diferent, like something you know you can't have. And I think you knew that and wanted to help Xander notice me. But then again, half the time you were lusting after Cordelia, which was a little more than cringeworthy. But that didn't matter, because I wanted Xander's apprroval, *needed* it, needed everyone to like me, though I never really accomplished that.
But after all that stuff with Xander, I met Oz. I'm sorry you never met Oz, cause you guys woulda gotten along so well, unlike him and Xander, they've been known to break each other's face, which isn't always a good thing. But Oz was *definitely* a different experience. He always accepted me, just so easily. I don't think I was always ready for that, because I was used to Xander ignoring me, and everyone loving Buffy.
I don't think you know this, or maybe Xander told you, but there was something between us this year that I wasn't to proud of. To make a long story short, I kissed Xander. Or he kissed me. Or something like that, but we kissed. I don't know why, but I must've had some underlying issues with him, like, hey, Willow exists, y'know?
But after, when Oz and Cordelia found out, I was so ashamed of myself, like, how could you have done that to Oz? The way he looked at me afterward, it was just awful, like a knife in my heart. I hurt so much, but I didn't feel sorry for myself, like Angel, but for Oz. And I realized that I loved Oz, and only Oz. Xander was proof of that, that something I wanted didn't really matter anymore since I had Oz.
But with Oz, all I wanted was his trust back. And it was a hard path before he finally forgave me, and before I forgave myself, but it happened, and look where we are now. Total trust.
Oz doesn't say much, he never has, whcich is good cause I talk enough for the both of us. I know he loves me. Not by what he says, even, but his actions. (Don't think he doesn't say it, though, Jess.)
Like, anytime there's a big scary monster or something, even if it isn't anywhere near us, he just kind of steps in front of me, trying to hide me from what's there. That's how I know. Or that look in his eyes when Faith had that knife, which was less than fun.
Now, here, I just never want to leave him. It's so perfect that I feel if I move or say something, it'll all be gone. Just him playing with my hair like he's doing now, something that small makes me feel all tingly.
But that makes me worried. What if we all die tomorrow when the Ascension goes down? And Buffy finally can't stop it. It's running through everybody's head, even her's I know, I can tell. It's a girl thing. But I really don't want to face those questions and doubts right now, I wish I could just stop time.
Jesse, do you think you could help us? Give us all some of you old spirit so we can make it through this. Just some of that gung-ho go get em attitude you had, because we could use it, and we'll hopefully make it through this, if not, I'll see you soon.
So this is Baba Wawa signing out. Bye, Jesse.