1.) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet,
often clustered in groups in front of television sets (see SLOTHS).
Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities,
though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider
Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (see PARENTS).
Very territorial. (See IT'S MY ROOM - STAY OUT OF MY ROOM).

Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their
peer-group members to such a great extent that they will forgo family,
chores, food, and responsibility (see FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).
The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD'S)
and can consume three times their weight every day.
When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose-fitting
garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous
(see FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).

The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers.
Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development
(see WONDER BRAS).
Males indicate their approval by staring at the display
(see FATHERS, HEART ATTACKS OF).

The call of the female is complex and shrill:
"Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!"
Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory:
"Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"

Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments.
The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day.
When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders:
"I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK."
The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy
and listening to violent electronic signals from radios.

Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (see FATHERS, LECTURES OF)
by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing.
Females burst into tears and slam doors.

Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship
with one (see STRESS) or more than one (see EXTREME STRESS) Teenager.
These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them
some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely
theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family
for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (see COLLEGE).

2.) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational,
intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")

3.) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
("I have a Teenager at home.")
Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.

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Parenthood: If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results. To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today. The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side. Avenge yourself . . . live long enough to be a problem to your children. The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere . . . and hide the keys to the car. The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads. Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds. The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed. Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car. Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Grandparents are similar to a piece of string . . . handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren. A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart. God gave you two ears and one mouth . . . so you should listen twice as much as you talk. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents. The only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children are those who've never had any. Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm. Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers. An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? How do you cope when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat? No wonder kids are confused today . . . half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tell them to get lost. The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime. Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

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There are two lasting bequests we can give our children:
One is roots. The other is wings.
Hodding Carter, Jr.
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"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
Carl Sandburg
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I love you more today than yesterday:
Yesterday you really got on my nerves.
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"Here's my report card... I'm tired or watching TV anyway."
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We worry about what a child will be tomorrow,
yet we forget that they are someone today.
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