ARTICLES
What did you do there? Mrs Mergenfelder told us that we were going to go to the
Our bus driver was late getting to the Post Office.He kept going back and forth from
Susie asked him why they call it a Plant an he said “They call it a Plant cause only
I like him cause he smells just like my Uncle Bob an now Mom won’t let me go
Next we went to the Plant Manjers office an there was this guy there who looked like
Then he said somethin about “welcome” an “mail prahsessing” an stuff and
Sherri said he was creepy but Jamal an I like him cause he looks just like our favorite
So next we went to a place called Automashun .
So the guy with the cup started movin us away real fast but the guy kept talkin to
At lunch time we went to the Plant caffeteeria an they had a snack for us of milk
Next we went to a place called The Letter Island and there wuz this old lady there
After the letter island we went to a place called the Flat Sorder. They have big
Next we went where they sit high up and sort little boxes on stools an this guy says to
The old guy with the cup took us back to the room where we started out an sed
What did you learn? Not to get injurred, always check the chili for band aids,
Our beloved Plant Manager was the recipient, and I believe unfairly so, of a
Apparently some employees believe that just because he is going to receive
1) “Whack A Boss!” The Plant Manager Pińata Party! Synopsis - Your
As you can see the Final Decision (our cookie tray) was arrived at only
But, suddenly, we just don't care.
At first I saw marathon running as an opportunity to bond with
When I was younger I was quite the speedster. I don’t want to
“Why” I thought reasonably “that legendary period of my life was
How sadly, no, make that painfully mistaken I was.
The kind of conditioning required by Marathon runners is
What drives people to acheive this stupendously fatuous...er I
What sends otherwise sane, reasonable folk (even my accountant
In my case it is usually my wife for a pint of Hagen Daz
But for others there is an even greater motive than merely self
For us to appreciate the extraordinary motivation they possess
And to better understand the event known as “Marathon” itself
According to legend a young Greek named Phidippides, the
It would seem that Public Transportation was about the same
Having announced the glorious victory of Greece over the
Ummm…. Hello?
HOUSTON... WE HAVE A PROBLEM
Now for me this story sets off all kinds of bells and whistles.
Remarkably however this story actually serves as some kind of
Personally after almost nearly running around the block once I
Granted he didn’t enjoy the advantages that we have today like
When I was a youngster we didn’t have “Athletic Shoes”.
Sadly though our tiny new brains still struggling with newly
Oh! In the name Michael Dukakis("The Greek word for Hip
Why the indignity alone would have compelled him to stay alive.
Yet today, even as we speak, there are literally thousands of
It’s a lot less effort and besides… my new best friend Kato
You may or may not have noticed the last few years that we have had terrible As beautiful as the winter wonderland may be it can also pose a serious threat It's True!
And, Dear Reader, those numbers do not even include the appalling increase in
1) Never tell a crew of very large men in a Public Utilities Truck what they
2)If it don't smell like lemon ice and it don't taste like lemon ice it ain't lemon ice!
3)If you feel a sudden pressure in your chest that runs down your arm or up to your chin,
4)Never ask anyone named Nate who has just come out of the woods heavily armed,
5)Dangerous games like making snow angels on I95 or "Let's bury Daddy in the snow
6)Always dress appropriately for the weather. For example; In the recent blizzard,
7)Should you feel any symptoms of frostbite or overexposure, return home immediately.
8)In subfreezing weather never try to play "Lick the Flag Pole".
Of course, as with all things 'safety', good old common sense should prevail.
I, in fact, plan to add even more safety tips to help guide you through the Just as soon as I get my tongue off this flagpole.
MY MIDDLE AGE CRISIS
AND THE ACADEMY AWARDS
by JAWS
MY FOURTH GRADE CLASS TRIP
by JAWS
PLANT MANAGER EXPLORES NEW POSSIBILITIES
FOR REPLACING GENEROUS, ANNUAL COOKIE TRAY!
by JAWS
MARATHON MAN
by JAWS
AND THE ACADEMY AWARDS
by JAWS
Just recently my employer The United States Postal Service
( Motto: The check was in the mail? What mail? What check?)
was in the news again – and this time (at least) nobody got shot! – Yet anyway
You know I could probably say without fear of contradiction
that no one is better than the USPS at heaping up big steamin’
piles o’ glory on itself.
It seems that no sooner had we been entrusted with 4000 ballots
for the Oscar ceremonies than we just as quickly “lost” everyone of them!
Hey! Who needs commercials?
There is no one better in the world at emphasizing and publicizing
just how consistently and incompetently we care for the Public Trust.
We’re Number One! We’re Number One!
Yes Dear Reader, we pride ourselves on the new USPS motto
“Neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night however this is with the
necessary proviso that when we say ‘rain nor snow nor gloom of night’
this does not, necessarily, prohibit us, technically speaking, from
“losing” all of your mail.”
There is a poetic irony in the fact that the Price Waterhouse people
who gave us EXFC are also responsible for mailing out the ballots.
Knowing how they handled EXFC for the Post Office it is nothing short
of amazing that Kevin Spacey didn’t end up winning an Oscar for Best
Supporting Actress.
Call me Jaded but there are a few questions that come immediately to
mind when I hear news reports of this nature:
1) How could anyone just “lose” 4000 (thousand)- freakin’ letters?!?!?!?
2) Have the major executives at UPS and Federal Express stopped
peeing themselves from laughing yet?
Actually though it would be unfair of me to be too critical of the Postal
Service (Motto: When it absolutely, positively has to be there – usually
– unless of course we lose it).
Since that glorious day when I first embraced the human Millstone,
ah… I meant Milestone, Middle Age I tend to forget an awful lot
myself. And while it is true that I’ve never lost 4000 letters…
I’m sorry. What were we talking about again?
You know kids it wasn’t so very long ago that my mind was razor
sharp and … um, razor sharp!
Nothing was ever forgotten, nothing ever escaped my notice!
At least I think it didn’t escape my notice.
The reason I believe that my memory was once one of the seven
(or was it eight?) wonders of the ancient world is that I can remember
nearly every little piddling worthless thing I came across as a youngman.
For example: I can remember all the words to “Kung Fu Fighting” by
that musical genius known simply as “Carl Douglas” To show you how
far back this was in the ancient, distant musical past, it was actually at
a time in our history when people had two names!
But my brain did not reside exclusively with the trivial. No! I can also
remember, word for word, the entire theme song to the “Banana Splits
Comedy Hour”!
And while several of you are sitting there looking down your collective
noses at me in smug bemusement I know that in the backs of what is
left of your aging, metamusil laden brains you are hearing “One
banana, Two banana, Three banana, Four. Five bananas make a
bunch and so do many more….”
It is a frightening and humbling thing to realize that while I vividly recall
the first time I heard my second grade best buddy David Luddy belch
the entire alphabet; I have no idea at all where I put my keys this
morning or for that matter what I just had for lunch.
Ah yes kids… those were the days!
At least I’m pretty sure those were the days.
I don’t want to brag – but I will anyway. As a young man I was a kind
of an Idiot Savant (Hey! Watch it!). I say this because it seemed as if I
never forgot anything. Baseball scores, team names, players batting
averages or that embarrassing scene involving our science teacher
Mr. Debatekus and the lab gerbils.
In other words, I remembered everything important.
Today I sit here in front of a bottle of pills and wonder whether or not I
took this five minutes ago and whether the double dose will mercifully
kill me.
Oh I miss those bygone days of my halcyon youth, when I had a mind
like a steel, uh… a steel…you know, one of those “steel” things, that…
um, doesn’t forget anything, I guess.
Anyway it was really quite impressive.
Whatever “it” was.
And you know I would like to talk about “it” some more folks but I’ve
got work to do! And plenty of it!
You see I’ve been given these 4000 letters to deliver!
Now where the heck did I put them…?
MY FOURTH GRADE CLASS TRIP
by JAWS Junior
Where did you go? We went to the Postel Service bilding in Bellmarr N.J.
Post Office for our class field trip. She said she was sorry but the Garbage men
and Sewage Disposal Plant guy said they was all filled up so she “…had to get
what she could get.”
the Fedral Express bilding to the Post Office cause he couldn’t tell em apart
cause they were both colored blue an orange.
When we got off the bus we went to a big building that I think is called “No Mo” an
this real nice old guy was there drinking from a big cup.
He was drinkin from that big cup a lot.
He said “It’s very nice to meet you an I am very happy to be the one who got stuck
with taking you around the Plant.” Then he drank from his cup again an rolled his eyes.
vegtables work there.” an then he started laffing real loud and drinking some
more from his cup.
anywhere near Uncle Bob no more cause of what he did last Christmas to that
big potted fern we got in the living room.
he was trying real hard to smile if he only could remember how to do it.
then he said “Goodbye, Kids have a good time! And remember more important
than anything else you will learn today… don’t get injured.”
Pokemon bad guy Staresatchu the Evil Dwarf King.
At Automashun they run letters real fast so we asked a guy there what these
machines do an the guy says “What letters ain’t all ripped up go out mostly to the
wrong post offices an then they get angry an frustrated an they start shooting people…”
himself like we were still there even though he was all by himself. He kept sayin
“Lock an load baby. Lock an load!”
So we asked what that man did an the guy with the cup said he was an
EMDeeOh or somethin.
and a big tray of stale Christmas cookies.
We played games with the caffeteria ladies like “Is that food?”. an “Find the band
aid in the chili”.
asleep in her chair so the guy with the cup said “Hey! Wake up!” and she started
cussin’ at him the way my dad did that time he caught Uncle Bob an the potted fern.
But the guy with the cup said “Thats okay. She don’t mean it. She only gets mean
like that when shes drunk.”
mashines that take envelopes an magasines an put them into a plastic tub for the
place they are going. The man with the cup told us we could try it so we
started putting magasines into the machine. Just then this nice lady comes up to
me an Jamal an asks us if we are “kwallified”. An we ask her what “Kwallified”
means. So she runs off to look for a guy named Shop Stewart.Then this big guy with a
beard comes up to us an says “we gotta work twelve hours tonight an he doesn’t
want to hear no complaning about it.” So the guy with the cup gets us out of
there in a hurry just as this other Flat Sorder guy starts tellin Susie that she looks just
like his first wife an would she like some icecream or somethin.
me “What do you want to be when you grow up little boy?” an I said I’m not shur
but after today I think I want to be a Garbage man or a Sewage worker.” an he
said “That’s good little boy cause this job sucks.”
“Goodbye kids! I hope you liked your tour but I’m already fifteen minutes late for
happy hour at Dominic’s.” an he left us there until the bus came back to pick us
up from the Fedral Express bilding. The bus driver came into the bilding to get us
an when we got out to the place where he parked we saw them towing the bus
away cause it was parked illeaglly.
park leaglly an from now on send all my letters an stuff UPS .
"Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!" - Homer Simpson
PLANT MANAGER EXPLORES NEW POSSIBILITIES
FOR REPLACING GENEROUS, ANNUAL COOKIE TRAY!
by JAWS
I was going to write about Postal goals for the year 2000 but I suddenly
remembered that I don’t care about Postal goals for the year 2000.
Instead I would like to write about literary integrity.
Why?
I’ll tell you why. There are those amongst our readership who at times have
actually found fault with my monthly column just because almost
everything I write is an irresponsible lie. But now, due to the indignation I feel
over the attacks that have been directed toward someone that I have
become, well… become quite fond of, I feel the need to speak out.
great deal of criticism for his year-end gift of a truly lovely tray of holiday
cookies.
a year-end bonus of 10 to 20 thousand dollars (a bonus based largely on
the efforts of those same employees) that they should have been given a
substantially larger reward.
How petty! I think that cookies are a wonderful expression of his gratitude for Vus!
Besides there are a lot of advantages to having a cookie platter at the end of
the year. For example; Cookies can usually be used more effectively than
cash to lure some of the younger casuals to your car.
The cookies also have such a high fat and sugar content that they can be
used effectively in the Locker Rooms to give the rats and cockroaches who
live there everything from colon cancer to congestive heart failure.
It is important to note that the “Cookie Tray” concept came only after hours
of research and the rejection of a number different ideas proposed at high
level meetings.
Due to a lapse in security (I offered the janitor an extra cookie - he has since
died) I have been able to procure some of those notes and I will publish
them here only to silence our esteemed Plant Manager’s critics.
employees will thrill to the fun of taking a stick and smacking a lifeless, hunched
over, black draped replica of you filled with delightful candies made in
some 3rd World Nation sweatshop by the children of those oppressed nations!
Denied – Some probability associated with mistaking our current Plant
Manager for a “lifeless, hunched over, black draped replica” and
then “smacking” him instead.
2) “Cookie, Cookie! Which Pocket has the Cookie?” Synopsis: A
new twist on the game made famous by the “U. S. Navy Tailhook Party
Planner.” This game gives the Plant Manager an opportunity to get to
know certain employees on a more personal level.
Denied: Plant Manager does not want to know employees on a
personal level.
3) “It Tastes Like Chicken” Platter.Synopsis: Little background
information available. Ingredients label states only “Food and food by-
products. Alright?”
Denied: Party Tray sold legally only in Paraguay.
4) Felice Navidad Refried Bean Festival! Synopsis A whole fiber
food celebration of an ethnic favorite.
Denied: To many employees leaving the work area to “drop the chalupa”.
5)The ”Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” Luncheon Meat Tray. Our own “Four
Seasons” Catering Staff.
Synopsis “Don’t Ask”
Denied: Wouldn’t Tell
6) Holiday Platters from The International House of HeadCheese
Synopsis: A glistening, jolly, jiggly heap of International Headcheese delights!
Denied: Research team found out what “Headcheese” actually was.
7) The SSSupervisor Ch Ch Ch Chia Pet.
Synopsis: A special bust is made of your Supervisors. The employees
are also given a sticky paste to put on the skull of the pasty white, lifeless
bust - then they water it. Several days later a beautiful collection of leafy
plants, mold and colorful fungus will appear.
Denied: Some probability associated with mistaking, putting “sticky
paste” on, then watering actual Supervisors
8) “Still Perfectly Good Fruit and Veggie Trays” from Dumpster
Discoveries Inc.
Synopsis: Fruits and vegetables culled from the “Sanitation Dispatch
Areas” of leading supermarkets in the Tri-state area.
Denied: After about an hour out of the refrigerator it starts smelling like
pig doots.
9) ” Lump Crab Meat? You be the Judge!” Bargain Seafood Trays.
Synopsis: Is it crab? Is it Haddock? Is it even fish at all?!?!? You will
be amazed at the “fishy” taste and aroma of this almost real, kind of, “sushi
like” collection. This exotic array of “seafood” delights could be almost
anything at all! But then… You be the Judge!
Denied: Some deaths have been associated with this product.
after hours of exhaustive research. This was no small matter and very
complex sociological and ethical determinations had to be made. MARATHON MAN
by JAWS
Recently I was reviewing some of the bad decisions I had made
over the last year with my new roommate Kato Kaelin.
We decided that, bar none, the worst decision I had made was my
ill-conceived attempt at marathon running.
my runner co-workers and form the same sort of inseparable bond to
my runner bosses that barnacles form when they suck up to the
bottoms of boats…er figuratively speaking of course.
brag…but I will anyway. When I was in High School I was so fast, or at
least that’s how the legends have it, that I once burst into flames
running the hundred yard dash because I foolishly chose to wear a
pair of corduroy gym shorts.
only a quarter of a century ago!” And since I had kept myself in near
peak physical condition through a rigorous regimen which consisted
principally of my favorite sporting event - Indoor Open Mouth Beer
Drinking – I would only have to train for a week or two and ‘Voila’
Marathon Man.
nothing short of remarkable.
mean fabulous goal?
for God's sake!) out into the wind and the rain and the cold, the sleet
and hail dressed in flimsy running clothes for hours at a time four or
five times a week?
Macadamia Nut Brittle.
preservation.
we should examine the history of long distance running .
one must hasten back thousands of years…..mustn't one. Yes back to
the plains of ancient Greece in the year 490 BCE and the battle of
Marathon the Greek word for "Painful Leg Cramp".
Greek word for "Agonizing Hitch in Side'", ran 22.5 miles or nearly
twice the distance from my parking lot to the main entrance to
announce the Greek victory over the Persians.
2500 years ago in ancient Greece as it is here today in New Jersey.
Persian Army Phidippides…..DIED!!!!!
And you must know by now Dear Reader if you’ve read even this
far into the article that I am not what anyone would call by any stretch
of the imagination a terribly bright man.
incentive to runners today !!!!!!
think that Phidippides the Greek word for "Mind Numbing Shin Splints"
must have decided to take the easy way out.
solar-powered, ergonomic, water-soled, anti-flatulent, inflatable,
gel,slip resistant athletic shoes.
(Herb – Please insert requisite boring story of childhood deprivation here)
Actually looking back at the pathetic records we set in the Olympics we
didn’t even have “Athletic People”.
Nevertheless, and this is contrary to my children’s belief, by the
time I was a young man our species had progressed from living in
trees and become rather proficient bipeds.
developed, complicated technologies like “Fire” and “The Wheel”
couldn’t conceive of anything as complex as a pair of Cognac-Flecked,
Ergonomic, Nylon, Poly-Permasole Schooners with a Moisture
Resistant Flexible Dark Jute Tricot Lining and a Padded Removable
Neoprene Sock Liner (Additional) all for just $375.00.
Replacement Surgery")!
If only young Phidippides had owned a pair of shoes that you
need a second mortgage for or people throwing Gator Ade and fruit at
you every twelve feet along the marathon route!
people, young and old, following in the footsteps of Phidippides (Greek
for 'Knee Socket Reconstruction') running the streets of our cities,
feeling good about themselves, improving their cardio-vascular
systems and then ultimately staggering off deliberately into the path of
an on coming Hostess Twinkie Truck to die a merciful death.
Having made the effort I think I will refrain from any further
attempts at Marathons.
If I really want my name in the papers I think I’ll just go hold
up a local convenience store.
promised me he would stand behind me every step of the way.
WINTER SAFETY TIPS
by JAWS
blizzards here in the Delaware Valley.
Of course the only way you could have missed the "Storms of the Century"
would have been if you were working during those storms or comatose or both (which is,
technically speaking,possible here in the Postal Service).
to our personal safety.
For example did you know that nearly 100% of all sledding and skiing accidents are
related either directly or indirectly to snow?
luge casualties we have seen in recent years!?!?!?!
That is why as part of our continuing and compassionate concern for your welfare,
as well as the millions we get stuck paying disability compensation each year, we here
at the Postal Service (Motto; "The Check is in the Mail") want to pass along these few
important Winter Safety Tips.
can do with their snowplow just because they blocked you in for the third time that morning.
just keep right on working. Believe me even if you do survive shoveling three feet of snow
out of your driveway,you will wish that you were dead the next morning anyway.
with his pet dog Cujo, to come in for a hot cup of cocoa.
and then find him with the snow blower" should be discouraged.
several insulated layers of clothing would have been preferable to a black leather thong
and flip flops (Sorry Mom!)
Ignore the encouragement of deceased relatives to "Come to the Light".
No matter how often the other Supervisors dare you to do it.
difficult winter months ahead.
