Well it is going on midnight and I have a 7:30 meeting in the morning and I haven't had much sleep this weekend as it is. Best get my behind in bed. I love you Joshua Paul Cope! My sweet, sweet son in Heaven.
Letter to My Son (soon after accident)
Sitting here right now with a cast on. Broke my foot in two places about three weeks ago. I was on crutches for the first two weeks and made the use of a wheelchair while at home some because the crutches were killing me. They (whoever they are) say if you are using the crutches correctly they shouldn't hurt your arms and armpits but I am here to tell you I tried every conceivable way to use them and they were killing me! I go back to the doctor tomorrow to make sure it is healing like it should be. If not, it will need surgery.
I also go to my liver specialist on Tuesday to discuss my liver biopsy and probably will also talk about some sort of treatment for the Hepatitis C. Not looking forward to all this! Starting to get a little concerned about it all. But I keep saying God is in control... and He is. So I am trying not to worry. I haven't really been praying about it though. Can't seem to get the words out that I want to say. Been pretty lax in my prayer life lately. (Probably why I have been so depressed of late) Just want to cry all the time it seems.
Joshua Paul's birthday is coming up too, so that is a big part of it I am sure. He would have been 23 years old. And I was right about the second year being harder than the first. It has been. Can't really explain the hurt and pain. It just comes over me sometimes out of nowhere. And "WHAM".. down into a pit of dispair. I pull myself out of it after awhile but sometimes it takes all my strength to do it. It helps to have the babies to grab my attention. I don't know what I would do if all I had to do is think and dwell on the fact Josh is gone. I would probably go crazy. All I can say is if you are in grief over losing your child (or any loved one for that matter) you better get your mind busy. An idle mind is the devils workshop... not just idle hands as the saying goes. (guess they mean about the same thing)
Well Lil' Joey is crying so guess I'll jump off here for now to see about him. He is four months old now and spoiled rotten!
Just like you were Josh *smile* but sweet as can be, just like you!
WHO IS AT RISK FOR HEP C? CLICK HERE TO SEE
Well the trip to the liver specialist wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be... got a little good news. It isn't cirrhosis yet. There are things called triads in your liver and this is what has moderate to severe scarring. And it is starting to come out of the triads and bridge... which means it connects the triads. Mine is mild. When they all connect, this is cirrhosis. If I could draw a diagram for you it would help but don't know how to do that on here.
I am on a waiting list for medication for treatment of the Hep C. Could be upwards of four months before I can get the medication. They have a shortage because of all the new cases of Hep C being diagnosed and people getting treatment. I am not looking forward to the treatment because the doctor said anything you can expect from getting chemo treatments or a real bad case of the flu is the symptoms I should be expecting. And everybody responds differently to the medication.
The treatment will consist of one injection of PegIntron a week and five pills a day of Ribatron. YUCK as my baby Josh would say *smile*. But what can I say... gotta do it. I have got to give this virus a fight! I have geno-type 1b which, of course, is the most resistant to treatment. BUT I AM NOT AFRAID BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT BIG GOD INSIDE OF ME! And He can handle anything!!
Hello journal...
well today I had to put Cuddles our 13 year old cat to sleep. She hasn't been well for some time now. I took her to the vet a couple months back and she believed maybe Cuddles had a stroke. Almost put her down then but couldn't. They hydrated her and I brought her home to see how she was over the next 48 hours. She bounced back. For a time. But lately she has been very inactive, not grooming herself. Really acting sick. She even started to stagger around again like she was drunk. So off to the the vet we went. I knew she wouldn't be coming home with me this time. It is just to cruel to watch her suffer needlessly. I held her until she was gone. I cried of course... and on the way home went by Josh's cross to get a little perspective on it. And it worked. She was a family pet... he is my son. She is now at the Rainbow Bridge. That is a nice thought.
I contemplated on this for a while... Heaven is for people and I believe animals will be there. Just maybe not the ones that died from earth. Because I know they don't have a Spirit like we do. But still... the little girl in me likes to think about the Rainbow Bridge story... and maybe believe it just a little. I think that is okay with God... just like santa claus. As long as we don't get too carried away with these things... they do help.
Death... seems to be everywhere. Life.... it is everywhere. God is real and Heaven and Eternity are real.
I have been so depressed lately...
Josh's 23rd birthday just passed and his second year of being gone.
My foot being broken and still hurting...
my Hep C.... and the waiting list for treatment, that may not work....
the thought of it not working and dying...
thoughts of Heaven and seeing my son again...
the thought of having to leave those other loved ones here...
I don't want to think right now.
I want to stay here with my other son and daughter and their children. Lil' Josh and Joey live with me along with my daughter and I am so attached to those two boys that the thought of leaving them makes my heart ache.
So by the Grace of God I pray that He lets me stay here to help raise them. I know they are Jodi's son's... but they are like my own too. Like Granny was with my kid's... they were hers too.
Too much to ponder these days for my brain to organize it into perspective. I can't think of anything on a level of clarity it seems. Guess I best get into God's Word and ponder that!
Pray like I should!
Chin up girlfriend!!!!
God is in control! Lean on Him and stop whining!
Okay.
Good night for now Journal.
Good Morning!
I have been up since 2:00 am playing, checking e-mail... surfing... playing with baby Joe who woke up at 5:00 am. I just put him back to bed with his mommy. I have to jump in the shower and get ready to go to work. YUCK! Fell asleep at 6:00 pm last night due to lack of sleep over the long weekend. It was like old times on the computer. Getting up early with the grandkids and then staying up most of the night on the here playing, surfing and such.
I am to old for this *smile*.
But it was relaxing and fun. Now it is back to the grind. The phone lines at work will be horrendous today after a long weekend. People call the doctor for the least little thing it seems. Suck it up people! LOL (sorry, but you wouldn't believe some of the phone calls on the nurse triage line I get) The nurse at my liver specialist said that once I start treatment for the Hep C I will really get aggravated by some of the stupid calls. Here I will be working sicker than a dog, and someone will call about some little nothing (i.e. I can't poop... Well take a laxative! *smile*) Just kidding. (a little anyway)
Had a scary incident this weekend, yesterday as a matter of fact, Josh slipped outside while everyone was napping... he got up opened the front door and went outside to either look for pappaw (who was at work) or just to play. He didn't have his diaper on so he was stark naked. Thank God he didn't go near the street, and no one grabbed him! He is now able to open the doors by himself so it is time to lock them. He didn't even try to wake anyone up. SCARED ME TO HALF TO DEATH! I don't think he was out there long before it was discovered but one second is is too long! Won't happen again, you can be sure of that!!
Well gotta go for now. Later....
Hello Journal... I started my Hep C therapy October 4th. Took my third shot tonight. I take an injection every Friday evening and 5 pills per day. I am supposed to be drinking a gallon of water a day. Having a hard time with that one. The medication dehydrates you. You would think I could drink it all from being so thirsty but it is real hard to do. You almost have to be sipping water constantly. I am trying but can't quite get it all in yet.
The medication makes me feel like I have the flu but so far not as bad as I was told. I am very tired and fatigued from it though. No energy at all these days. Didn't have much to begin with.
to view journey with Peg go here:click here
Not a lot been going on in my life except the treatment right now. I work all week and give myself a shot on Friday after work and then I'm sick all weekend.
Haven't been on here much due to Josh wanting to get on Sesame Street to see Elmo! I can't come near this thing when Josh is awake. He's my doll baby and so is little Joe.
I have been missing Joshua Paul a lot lately. I think it is just being down all weekend and not being able to keep busy. I just think of him all the time. I have relived them knocking on my door over and over again the last 2 weekends. It is awful. I don't think I will ever get past the loss of my boy. I will never be the same again. But that is to be expected I suppose. I try to rely on my faith that I will see him again soon.
Not a lot to say these days... too tired to put thoughts into words.
Grief wears you totally out and with the medication I am on I get even more fatigued... I read this and it is so true...
Grief effects you emotionally and physically. You may experience tightness in your throat, heaviness across your chest, or pain around your heart. Your stomach may be upset, along with other intestinal disturbances. You may have headaches, hot flashes, or cold chills. You may be dizzy at times, or tremble more than usual, or find yourself easily startled. Some people find it hard to get their breath.
Grief is about more than your feelings—it will show up in how you think. You may disbelieve this person actually died. You may have episodes of thinking like this even long after they died. Your mind may be confused, your thinking muddled. You may find it difficult to concentrate on just about everything. Or you may be able to focus your attention but all you can focus on is the one who died, or how they died, or your life together before they died.
Grief sucks!
Click Here for Willowgreen
Toodles for now.
October 19, 2002...11:10 pm
Hello journal. Feeling blue right now.. miss Josh and worrying about my oldest boy. I feel he is depressed over his job and money worries. His car isn't running and has to be worked on. More money out. My daughter is feeling a little down too I think. She is doing well in school but I think she feels like she has no life. She is a good mommy but even mommies need some time to themselves occasionally. Especially mommies that are so young. I just hope she uses her head now that she is 21 and doesn't get caught up in the night life like I did for awhile.
I spent too much time away from my babies working nights and then going out afterward. And then the next day wanting to sleep. If I even came home. Which for about 2 or 3 years I was gone a lot. I hate myself for it and would give anything if I could go back and change things.
Jimmy, my oldest son had to babysit a lot when Granny got too sick. He did a good job but he was young and I am sure he would have liked it if I had been home more. I need to talk to him about all that. My two other kids had me at home more when they were in school. I worked nights but only on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. So Sunday thru Wednesday I was home. But I missed so much time working at night and going out. I told myself by the time I got off work they were asleep anyway. But what if they had woke up and wanted me? I was selfish. So selfish. I have asked God to forgive me, I just want my kids to forgive me too.
Josh told me I was a good mom a few months before he died. I hope my other two feel the same way. I worry about Jimmy because he saw more than they did. I wasn't so bad I didn't take care of their financial needs or Christmas. I kept a roof over their heads and food for them. And clothes and shoes. I know they knew how much I loved them. How much I love them now with all my heart and soul. I sure know the saying and understand it better... "if I could go back and know what I know now".
Jimmy if you read this - please know mommy loves you so much. Until you were 6 years old you didn't leave my sight much. And then I had to go out into the working world and guess I went a little nuts trying to be young and carefree and a mom too. I was stupid. The most important thing in life is your children. They are gifts from God. Thank God I had Granny at that time. And then I got married again, and tried to be the good little mom. That didn't last long. And it wasn't all his fault. (I choked on that! LOL) But it wasn't all mine either. It takes two. (actually it takes three, you should always include God) But when things started to go wrong... I had to cut my nose off to spite my face.. I did that a lot in my life. Couldn't let him show me up! What a fool I was.
Meeting Jack wasn't a bad thing. It got me out of the bar business and kept me home except when working. And I worked days after going to school. My kids were included a lot in my life then. Now things are about to change again. And I am about to hurt Jack. But he didn't want marriage until Jim came back into my life. (that is my oldest son's dad) He has been a great source of strength for me since Josh's death. And very helpful with our kids. (I say our because what is mine is his) If he could have been there for Joshua it would maybe have made a big difference in his life. But he wasn't. He had his own life at that time. He didn't spend time with Jimmy like he should have then. Not completely by his own choosing though. Another dumb move of my youth.
I don't know where this Hep C might lead... if it will kill me or not. But I want Jimmy and his dad on good terms and I want Jim there for both Jimmy and Jodi. And he will be. Jodi and Josh looked up to Jimmy as their father figure. He was 10 years older than Josh and 12 years older than Jodi and they thought Jimmy could do anything. He is their hero *smile*. He is mine too.
Well enough depressing stuff for now. This is another side effect I think, from the medication.
Well, things are going pretty good. Still able to go to work. I did ask HR for FMLA papers so that if I do miss work any it won't count against me. You can get up to 12 weeks time off with FMLA. All at once or intermittent. I would probably only need intermittent as most of the time I can muddle thru. I just hope and pray going thru this for a year is worth the effort. It worked for Naomi Judd... God cured her of the Hep C and she was pretty sick. God is able if it is His will that I be cured of this. In Hep C groups they call it the dragon. Well God can slay any dragon!
I have been thinking a lot about this journal. I feel it has gotten kinda dry and boring... but that is my life right now. It started out as a way to work thru my grief and put my feelings on paper...
but that is impossible to do. You just can't put into words the feelings of despair and lonliness you feel and isolation at times. I just can't put it into words and put the feelings on paper.
Sure, I go to work, go shopping, even joke and laugh at work. But in the back of my mind it is always there. It never goes away... I don't really want it too either. I would feel like I was pushing him away and I don't ever want to do that! I want him in my mind all the time even if it hurts. If I stare at his picture or handwriting, I could go crazy. But I just picture what he may be doing at that given moment and it helps. He is alive and well and doing all kind of wonderful things. Eating, praying, laughing, enjoying life more than ever. And waiting for the Rapture to happen just like we are. I just miss seeing him and hearing his voice. I want to touch him. All in good time... I will touch him again. Kiss him and hug him. Wow... can't wait LOL.
I miss him. I have my other 2 children to keep me busy until that day. And my grandchildren as well. They are the light of my life. My reason for going on with the life here on earth.
I worry everytime Jodi leaves the house. But I guess that is normal. I worry about Jimmy all the time and want him home so I can worry more I guess LOL.
Well gotta go take my shot and pills. Toodles for now!
Getting married Christmas Eve. Going to re-marry my oldest son's dad. Everybody seems really happy about it in our family. Especially our kids and grandkids. He is a wonderful man and I should never have divorced him in the first place. But I was young and dumb. Thought I was missing something out there. Got married so young and all. I truly believe he has never stopped loving me. Don't know why LOL but I believe he really loves me. I love him too. I just don't have the young girl romance in me anymore but God can change that. Been thru too much in my life I guess to feel like I used to when love comes knocking. It is a more secure and comfortable type of love like we have never been apart. Now he, on the other hand is still a romantic. And he is a touchy type person, I am not touchy. But we will work things out I am sure. I am so comfortable with him and so are our kids and grandkids.
I have a friend that is being a little hurt by this. He wants to marry me. Now, after he found out someone else wants me. *smile* He has been a very good friend to me. At one time I would have jumped at the chance to marry him. But that was many years ago. He hurt me once and I have never felt the same since.
I feel like he is more co-dependent than in love with me. I believe he loves me like a family member but not like a man should love his wife.
I feel so secure with Jim. I know he will take care of me and be there no matter what. That is love. True love. He loves me even with all my faults. (of course they are few, LOL) I feel in a way like we have never been apart.
Well gotta go for now. Talk to ya later.
Thanks for this scripture Cog: for Josh....
Isaiah 57:1 The righteous perisheth, and no man layeth it to heart: and merciful men are taken away, none considering that the righteous is taken away from the evil to come.
Isaiah 57:2 He shall enter into peace: they shall rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness.
Howdy!! Hope all had a Merry Christmas. Well... we did it! Got married Christmas Eve in my brothers living room. He was dressed in a Santa suit LOL. I made him! It's still legal.. he is a preacher. And I am sure God thought it was cute. Josh talked Jesus into sending us a white Christmas because it was snowing like crazy outside and the roads were getting real nasty!
Joshua, the 2 year old, got sick and was throwing up everywhere! My mom and daughter had to throw their clothes in the washer and mom and josh had one sock on and one sock in the washer LOL! A real hillbilly affair! But it was nice. I will try to post some pics of it later. I held my Josh's picture so he could also be involved in it all. Jimmy and Jodi were the witnesses. Baby Josh layed on the couch looking on real pitiful and wondering what Santa was doing I suppose.
We have all been sick around here. Passing around the virus. I haven't been vomiting yet but Jim, Josh, Joe, my dad, and my neice all have been through the vomiting. Seems to only last 24 hours. My granddaughter was here for Christmas and I guess she got sick when she went home. Been a lot of snotty noses and coughing too.
We also got moved into our townhouse. It is 4 bedroom with a basement. Real big and nice. Jimmy is home again too and I am so happy about that. Just need Josh here to make it complete! But he is here. I just miss him so much. Not being able to hear his voice. It hurst badly at times. A lot of the time. I just rely on God to comfort and hold me close. And He does.
Well toodles again for now. Got lots to do around here before my medicine kicks in and I get sick. Sick every Saturday from the injection I take Friday night. It's a real bummer but may be worth it in the long run.
Well... it is now 2003. Hard to believe isn't it?
New Years Eve was pretty uneventful at our house. But I felt good that my kids were here and not out somewhere. They stayed in the basement and we stayed in the bedroom watching TV. I was asleep pretty soon after midnight. My niece came over with her little boy and the babies played while mom's and dad talked. They did have some champagne. So glad they were home with us and safe. Jimmy stayed home with his little baby girl. Her mom said she had to work but we think she went out on the town. But that is okay. She didn't have to lie about it. We have had Alexis every single weekend since we moved in here and we are loving it. Jimmy even has her some through the week. One night he even watched Tonya's other 2 kids that aren't his so she could go to the bar. Her kids love Jimmy and they didn't want to leave, they wanted to stay all night with him here.
Tonya is trying to take advantage of him, playing games. He'll get tired of it eventually, right now he is just happy to have his baby so often. I hope that continues to happen. He is really good with her. He says he wants to be close to her as he didn't get to be with the other two girls. He was young. He knows what he has missed, especially taking care of Alexis so much.
Jim (my new/old husband LOL) is trying to get his house completely cleaned out today. It has sold and the closing is tomorrow. They stold it! Not even paying what he paid to have it built! And he is still going to have to pay to satify the mortgage. But his credit will still be good. He was going to have to let it go into foreclosure. God waited until the last minute though LOL.
He is still looking for a job... the economy is so bad right now. He may have to go for less money. Hoping God comes through on this even if it is later than sooner. I am not worried... God is in control.
Joshua has been on my mind constantly as usual. I talk to him and think of so many things to say until I get on here. And then blank brain!
I talk to him all the time. And think about him even more than all the time. (and that is possble believe it)
Well hubby is home time to get off here for now.
Toodles for now.
January 26, 2003...3:30pm
Dear Journal,
I sit here feeling tired and headachey from my meds, but hanging in there. It has been pretty busy around here. My niece moved in with us for awhile. I never know how long she might stay as she has been in and out before. She seems a little different this time though. Like she may stay for awhile. I hope she gets herself together. I know it isn't easy. I remember being her age. I did work everyday though. I had no choice.. didn't even think of not working. I had to feed my son and keep a roof over his head. I didn't like it at times (the working day in and day out) but did it. I had to walk to work everyday and I worked split shifts. And there were times I froze! But I did it. Kept trudging on. We have spoiled our kids to the point of idiocy I think sometimes. And they really get mad if we ask quetions... like we haven't any right to. Just hand over the money and car keys and mind your own business! LOL It isn't always like that but you know what I mean, if you have kids and spoil them terribly like I did and do. And of course it has gotten even worse in the past 2 years. Since I lost one.
Things are going pretty well. We are all adjusting to our new home and ever growing family. I am a very laid back person. I laugh at stupid things and I love to laugh. Hoosiers I have found don't really belly laugh very often (if ever). I am a hoosier but was raised by southern folks. Kentucky roots. I remember growing up with stories and laughter from my Granny, mom and uncles. They would laugh so hard they'd cry. And some of it wasn't that funny to everybody but seeing someone else laugh so hard about something, you couldn't help but laugh too. Nothing in this life is worth staying upset and aggravated about. Life is too short. Enjoy it to the fullest with love and kindness to your family and strangers as well as laughter. Learn to laugh at yourself. If life gives you lemons make lemonade! Cliche, I know but nice to try to live by. I am not saying it is easy. It's not. Life is hard. And sometimes it really beats you up. But if you have faith in things not seen and not even always understood.... you at least have peace. The peace of God. I would not be able to endure the loss of Joshua without the Grace of God.
He gives grace when grace is needed.
Thank you Father for your love. I Praise Your Holy Name. In the name of Jesus. Amen
I had a dream last night. A weird one. I dreamed I was in a plane crash with my uncle Les. We clasped hands knowing we were going to die. It didn't hurt. The crash was coming and then darkness like I fell asleep and then my eyes were open and I was looking at the devastation and wathcing the police going thru it. I was smiling but worried that my mom would be so worried that I suffered and I didn't. I wanted them to tell her that. I kept thinking how they told me that about Josh. I think the dream might have been from God to tell me Josh didn't suffer and he was happy. I felt so peaceful. I saw mine and my uncles hands clasped and wanted them to check the fingerprints to let my mom know we were holding hands when the plane crashed. Wasn't that a weird dream. But like I said maybe it was God telling me something about my son.
I told mom about the clasped hands and she said maybe that was God's way of telling me someone was holding Josh's hand. WOW!
I also dreamed that Jodi was in a car wreck but wasn't hurt. I worry so much. That is probably why I dreamed that.
Well, gonna close for now. Not much else to say. It is Super Bowl Sunday... which means NOT a lot to me LOL.
Good morning Journal. I took an FMLA day today. I deserve it but it makes me feel guilty and I can't leave work at work. I worry something will get missed. Like a test a patient needs made to a specialist or a referral not getting done on time. But it all works out. I need to forget about work when I am not there. I am not saying nobody else can do it, it is just I take my work very seriously and try to have a good relationship with the patients.
Jim is frantically cleaning because mom is supposed to come over. The house isn't dirty by any means but he is trying to impress on her that he is taking good care of me. LOL He is so intense about things. He needs to laugh more! I want him to relax just a little and not give himself a heart attack! The most important things in my life are my babies. And by babies I mean my big babies too. That is taking care of me. If they are happy.... I am happy! I will not leave this world (by the grace and will of the Father) untill I know for certain my babies are going to have a real home. I know they are grown but mom's home should always be home. Now don't get me wrong... I don't plan to leave anytime soon... it is up to God not me. But my happiness depends on my children and grandchildren being happy and feeling secure. Feeling very loved.
I tried very hard to let my kids know they could come to me not matter what the problem. And of course they hid things from me like all kids do but they knew if it was something serious... or anything they could come to me. No matter what it was.
Mom is here... be back later.
My letters to Heaven...
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Some e-mails to Heaven
GuestBook&Links to other Journal pages
Letters FROM Heaven (soon after accident)
More E-Mail to Heaven (live journal)
My PegIntron Journey
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See Josh here!!!!
