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Good afternoon. Here I am being a slacker from work. I took 2 FMLA days in a row. I just feel so tired and a little depressed. Not sure why I feel down in the dumps but it is better today. Yesterday wasn't so good. I think I was just feeling tired. And I worry too darn much. I have turned into a real worry wart!
Josh went to spend the night with his pappaw Jack. He has been picking him up about once a week since we moved. I am glad, Josh enjoys it.
Well thought it was time to make a new journal page. So here I am. Nothing really to say just testing this new page.
Toodles for now.
This is so true and so neat, please take the time to read it...
By..Matilda C. Edwards
The Church and the world walked far apart on the changing shores of time,
The world was singing a giddy tune, the Church a hymn sublime;
“Come, give me your hand,”said the merry world.”and walk with me this way.”
But the good Church hid her snowy hands and solomnly answered,”Nay,
I will not give you my hand at all, and I will not walk with you,
your ways are the ways that lead to death; and your words are all untrue.”
“Nay, walk with me but a little space,” said the world with a timely air;
“the road I walk is a pleasant road’ and the sun shines always there;
your path is thorny, rough and rude, but mine is broad and plain.
My way is paved with flowers and dews, and yours with tears and pain.
The sky to me is always blue, no want no toil I know;
The sky above you is always dark and your lot is a lot of woe
. There is room enough for you and me to travel side by side.”
Half shyly, the church approached the world and gave him her hands of snow
and the old world grasped it and walked away, saying in accents low,
"Your dress is too simple to please my taste, I will give you pearls to wear,
Rich velvets, and silks for your graceful form, and diamonds to deck your hair."
The Church looked down at her plain white robe and then at the dazzling world,
and blushed as she saw his handsome lips with a smile contemptuous curled.
"I will change my dress for a costlier one" said the Church with a smile of grace;
then her pure white garments drifted away, and the world gave in their place,
Beautiful satins and shinning silks, Roses and gems and costly pearls;
While over her forehead her bright hair fell, crisped in a thousand curls.
"Your house is too plain," said the proud old world,"I'll build you one like mine,
with walls of marble and towers of gold, and furniture ever so fine."
So he built her a costly and beautiful house, most splendid it was to behold;
Her sons and her beautiful daughters dwelt there, gleaming in purple and gold.
Rich fairs and shows in the halls were held, and the world and his children were there.
Laughter and music and feasts were heard in the place that was meant for prayer.
There were cushioned seats for the rich and the gay, to sit in their pomp and pride.
But the poor who were clad in shabby array, sat meekly down outside.
"You give too much to the poor," said the world,"Far more than you ought to do;
If they are in need of shelter and food, why need it trouble you?"
"Go, take your money and buy rich robes, buy horses and carriages fine;
buy pearls and jewls, and dainty food, buy the rarest and costliest wine."
"My children, they dote on all these things and if you their love would win;
You must do as they do and walk in the ways that they are walking in."
So the poor were turned from her door in scorn, and she heard not the orphans cry,
But she drew her beautiful robes aside as the widows went weeping by.
Then sons of the world and the sons of the church walked closely, hand and heart,
And only the Master who knoweth all, could tell the two apart.
Then the Church sat down at her ease and said,"I am rich and my goods increase.
I have need of nothing or ought to do, but to laugh and dance and feast."
The sly world heard and he laughed in his sleeve, and mockingly said aside,
"The Church is fallen, the beautiful Church and her shame is her boasts and her pride."
Then the Angel drew near to the mercy seat, and whispered in sighs her name'
Then the loud anthems of rapture were hushed and heads were covered in shame.
And a voice was heard at last by the Church, from Him who sits on the throne;
"I know thy works, and how thou hast said, "I am rich," and hast not known,
that thou art naked, poor and blind and wretched before my face,
Therefore from my presence cast I thee out, and blot thy name from it's place"
the end.
Good morning. Jim was up all night working on resumes. I think he is getting pretty depressed over not having a job. Please God help him find a good job with security. I also think he was a little mad at me for letting Jodi go out with her friends. But he didn't have to help me much with the kids. Only once when Josh woke up but I got him back to sleep so he really didn't have to do anything. I don't think he woke up again. And Jodi came home after a few hours... she also got the kids to sleep first. Of course Joey woke up and didn't want to go back to sleep but he and I played for awhile and then I got him back to sleep. These kids are so special and so cute. Jimmy had his baby girl here too. And she didn't want to go to sleep either. Jimmy is so good with her. He is a good daddy.
I think Jim has a hard time getting used to my independance sometimes but after years of being on my own... it is hard to be any other way. He is taking care of all the finances and I really like that... maybe he will fix my credit rating! LOL I was never any good at that. Procrastination. I probably paid enough in late charges over the years to buy a new car! But I always made it. (just not on time)
I have got to be more mindful of him and his feelings. I know he gets frustrated with me but if he will remember.. I haven't changed. He is a good man and I believe he loves me and the kids very much. I am not one to show my feelings where a man is concerned and I have got to work on that. Like I said before... I am not a touchy, feely person. (except with my babies) I can't help that. Too much crap happened over the years. I used to be a romantic. Lived in Harlequin romances. But after a few slaps in the face with so called romance LOL I am not that way anymore. I have a real hard time with trust and men. (I do trust Jim though) I know he would love for me to be a little more loving. I will try. I do love him. Just don't show it like he would like me too. I guess I figure he should just know that (I married him.. and I wouldn't have done that if I didn't have strong feelings for him) but everybody needs to be told and shown.
Today is my brother Rusty's birthday. He is a ground hog LOL. I worry so much about him. He drinks too much but he has a soft heart. We visited him not long ago and prayed with him. He loved it. It was on New Years Eve. People just don't understand the addiction of alcohol. It gets hold of you and you are powerless to it. He is a beer drinker. So was my uncle Les. Rusty says he prays everyday while in the shower. I believe him. He has to let go and let God.
Dad's brother got him a phone so we can call and check on him. The number ends in 666 LOL - EEEK! I know.. it is just a number... but someday it will be more than that. Not on a telephone but in other ways.
I feel we could be very close to the mark of the beast but they have been saying that forever but.... I think there has always been somebody in place. With technology now it could very well be soon! I do know our country is not in as good a shape and as strong as it once was. We don't have the respectful fear from other countries anymore. And look at all that is happening to us of late.
I really like what President Bush said yesterday after the shuttle went down. He said... God knows all the stars by name.. and he knows the names of the seven souls on the space shuttle. They didn't make it safely home to earth, but we pray they made it safely home.
WOW! I really liked that! He is not afraid to let the nation know what he believes. I think that is wonderful for our President!
He is a good man and I think he is a good President!
Well time for more morning coffee.. be back later!
TOODLES
Good morning. I am still up and I can't believe it. I have been up since 6:30 am and worked all day. I took my shot this morning at work to try something differnt, thinking maybe I would sleep through my bad symptoms. But I am not sleeping. I have been so depressed. I know it is probably my medication. And all the crap on television about the impending war and terrorism.
I am such a baby. Cried like a little kid tonight. Because Josh started crying and he looked so pitiful with his lip all puckered out. I started to cry too. And couldn't stop. I am so tired and just can't seem to stop my mind from whirling and whirling around. My brain hurts from it. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there until the world and my health get better. If they do.
I get great joy out of my grandkids. They keep me sane. They wear me out but keep me sane LOL.
I need to spend some quality time with my new/old husband LOL. Before he dumps me! I just don't feel good and it takes all my energy and will to go to work everyday and play granny when I come home. I am not sure he understands that. My need to be granny. My need to feel close to them. My need to kiss Josh and Joe so hard their uncle Josh feels it all the way to Heaven. I know they aren't him. But they sure look a lot like him. Especially Joshua - he looks so much like his uncle Josh it is almost scary sometimes. And I love it. God is good to me.
Well enough for now. Toodles.
Hello. It's Thursday and only one more day of work this week! hoooraayyyy!!! Tomorrow is shot day though. Yuck! May try to take it again in the morning at work and see what happens this week doing that.
I am itching for a kitten. I have always had a cat or two (or three) but we don't have any now. The two we had have went to the Rainbow Bridge. I love cats. We have a golden retriever that I am crazy about too. He is tooooo coooool! Luke is his name and Josh would have loved him. I think I bought him for Josh. Big Josh that is. I actually bought him for little Josh's first birthday. (but I had big Josh on my mind when I bought him)
We have been looking at the humane society and I want to adopt all the animals there. Breaks my heart. Jim said we are going to have to buy a house with some land. LOL. A BIG HOUSE WITH A LOT OF LAND!
I have been feeling horrible the last few days with indegestion. Real bad chest pains that go all the through to my back. Like I am being stabbed. The pain goes down my right arm so I know it is indestion. I had a stress echo not long ago and was told my heart is okay. (if you can believe the doc's and tests) I know too many people that got a clean bill of health and then dropped dead.
Jim is pretty upset... his aunt has just been diagnosed with stomach cancer and given less than a year. They told her not long ago it wasn't cancer. (????) She also has cirrhosis. I just don't understand how they can miss things that are that far along. (???) I guess it wasn't meant to be found? She was also told she had diabetes and had been on meds for this.... and then a specialist said she didn't have it! I just don't understand it. Do you?? It's crazy.
Jim is going to visit her. He wants to give her a message for his parents. I think that is a good idea. I believe it may work too. I mean why not? She is leaving earth and joining them in Heaven. I wonder if God allows this. We will know someday.
I never thought of doing that.
It is now 9:50 pm... been trying to get Josh to go to sleep between typing. He is fighting it of course. Wants to play. I should be going to bed myself. I will be tired at work tomorrow. We are possibly going to get an ice storm. Or at least some freezing rain. And then possibly snow. I am terrified to drive on slick roads. And some people are crazy and think they can drive fast. Not behind me they won't! And they better stay off my butt!
I also worry about my son and the rest of my family out driving in it.
Work has been stressful the last couple days. I feel like a red-headed step child in the back office. I don't ususally feel like that. Maybe my meds are making me paranoid LOL! I have been wearing my feelings on my sleeve. Feel like crying. I don't feel good at times so maybe that is all it is. I am depressed a lot on and off all day. I don't know. But I sure will be glad when I can say I am giving my two weeks notice. I want to stay home. Become a recluse. Of course then my funeral will be slim pickens' with friends LOL. Maybe I'll send invitations.. maybe won't have to worry about it for a long, long time. LOL
Well it is 10:15 pm and I am missing ER. Missed all my Thursday shows tonight. It is about the only night I really watch TV but Josh is watching Barney tapes and still fighting sleep. *smile*
He is putting sunglasses on now LOL... future is so bright he has to wear shades!
He is a dollbaby. Can you tell I think he is the greatest?
Well better close for now... gonna go try to get him to lay down again.
TOODLES
Mornin', no ice storm... just rain yesterday. So I worried for nothing. The weatherman made it sound like it was going to be treacherous! But today it is snowing like crazy and slick. The rain from yesterday has probably frozen under the snow. It is so pretty coming down but Jimmy is over at a friends and Jodi wants to go out with her sister tonight, so I will be chewing my fingernails again. They are already bitten down so far they hurt! I think part of that is the meds making me nervous, and then when I have worries added to that I chew my fingers off.
Jim, in this mess, has went to get his haircut! All the way to New Whiteland which is a pretty good drive... he used to live there for years and the person that cuts his hair has done it for many years. He could have rescheduled, but I guess he wants to be pretty for me LOL.
Well the kids are awake... so much for typing now! I have put
Barney on the VCR and it will keep them busy for a minute. Joey won't watch it for long because he thinks I am suppossed to hold him when I am home. I have them so spoiled! Did I mention how beautiful they are? LOL They are!! Jimmy didn't get Alexis this weekend and I miss her. I am getting used to her being here on the weekends. She and Josh get along so well together. They love each other so much! It is so cute to watch them.
Luke is upstairs barking at something. He is such a cool dog! He doesn't think he is a dog... he thinks he is one of the babies... he is so beautiful. He will try to shove them out of the way for my attention. LOL He will probably be real jealous when I bring a kitten or cat in here. He may think it is his toy.. he is the most gentle dog though. The kids can put their hand in his mouth and he won't hurt them at all. If he has something he isn't suppossed to have you can run your hand in his mouth and take it away from him. I found Joey and him both chewing on his dog bone one day LOL. At the same time! I really need to keep a video camera ready at all times.
My son just came home. Thank God he is safe. He said the roads are pretty bad. Real slick. Glad he is home. Wish Jodi would reconsider about going out tonight!
Will write more later....
for my therapy info:
click here
For latest letters to Heaven:
Click below:
The Cab Ride
TOODLES
Hello, I am back at ya... talked to mom and my sister on the phone for awhile. Did the dishes. First time in my life I have had a dishwasher. Wow, I love it! Fed the baby, who gave it to the dog LOL. Josh is still watching Barney... boob tube kid today. We are going to have to get serious about potty training him real soon. It's like changing an adult when he poops LOL.
Have I said lately how much I miss Joshua Paul? I do. With all the mess in the world he is probably wishing we were with him there. I am sure of that. He wouldn't come back here if he could. But I miss him. I sit and wonder what he is doing all the time.
Like now.
Be not therefore anxious for the morrow: for the morrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
Jodi is up and grouchy. Said Josh didn't go to bed until 2:30am. Probably because he took a late nap. But she is always grouchy in the morning. It is 11:16am but (like I used to) she thinks it's crazy to get up before noon LOL.
I was always a night person until the last few years. So I really do understand her. And of course mom used to gripe at me. Even though I lived in my own apartment. That's just what mom's do.
I am sounding pretty boring right now huh? LOL Sorry but not a lot to say. Toodles for now.
Been a long horrible week. I have been ill, fatigued and in pain. To read about it go to my treatment journey page. (PegIntron Journey)
click here
I just don't have the energy or brain power to type it again.
We did get a kitty. She is about 9 months old they said. She was dumped at the animal clinic down the street so we went in to see what she looked like. Very pretty. Depending on the light she is gray, silver or even a blueish color with streaks and patches of peach color. (we named her Peaches) She is unigue looking to me.And she is very unexcitable and laid back. Doesn't seem to stress out at all. Josh picked her up and Luke was bugging her. She just took it in stride. We got her spayed and declawed (front only). I always thought that was cruel but with my Hep C can't afford for her to scratch me and then the kids. It's just not worth the risk. She has a microchip too. So much for a free cat!
Well, it is another all nighter because I laid in bed all day. Jim can't sleep either. He is in the kitchen doing dishes! He was outside shoveling snow, sure the neighbors loved that at 3:30 in the morning.
It is really yucky outside. Snowed all day and the wind is howling like crazy. Supposed to get more snow today. It is really bad out. I guess we were due. The last couple winters haven't been too bad at all. It's cozy if you have a stocked kitchen and don't have to drive anywhere. We're all snug here except for my niece who had to work so she isn't home and I do worry about her. She is working in a bar, good money but not so good atmosphere for her. I know, I did it for years. I worry about the wolves out there. And at her age she thinks she knows it all. Her taste in men hasn't been all that great. These girls seem to like the "bad" boys. Not the boring, works hard, gentlemen. Hmmmm... I knew someone else like that once.
Well gonna jump off, maybe get some sleep. Jodi will surely sleep late... she has a classmate over and they are working on homework. So I will probably have to get up with the babies. And I am sure they will be up bright and early!
TOODLES!!
Hello again. Felt a little better today. Took a vicodin again so that could be part of the reason. The kids have been good so far today. Mellow and laid back. Must be the weather.
WAnt to bake a cake and I can't find the cake pan! In the move I must have left it at the other house. I left a lot there because my sister moved in there and I knew Jim had all the makings for a home. But NO cake pan.
Just got off the phone with an E buddy. She is the sweetest girl. She has a St. Bernard. I have always wanted one and now I really want one LOL. She said hers is a big baby. Big is probably right!
Joey seems real fascinated by the kitty. Well gonna try to find a pan to bake a cake. Toodles.
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