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March 16, 2003 thru April 13, 2003 10 entries to this page

Joshua Paul Cope
July 25, 1979 ~ August 12, 2000

March 16, 2003
Good evening Journal. Been almost a month since I posted. I have a hard time getting to the computer these days. My niece that is staying with us is now addicted to it as well, LOL. And I understand that... plus haven't been feeling well at all. Been in a lot of pain and feeling really bad. And the stress and depression have been terrible -when I started these treatments they told me to get plenty of rest and I think that means physically, mentally, and emotionally too. But it has been pretty much impossible between work and home the last few weeks. I'm going to quit worrying about it all. If I don't it is going to kill me for sure. And then they will all cry and probably blame each other instead of themselves LOL.
BOY! DID THAT SOUND LIKE A PITY PARTY OR WHAT? LOL!!!!!
I have a bulging disc on top of everything else that is causing constant pain in my right arm, neck and back. Seeing a nuero-surgeon in a couple weeks. I am not supposed to be using my right arm to lift or reach or carry the babies ~ GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! I AM RIGHT HANDED!
I also have another raging urinary tract infection and it is causing pain. I am just falling apart here!
STOP THE WORLD AND LET ME OFF!! IT'S SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!
I know Jim would like to have more of my attention. A little lovin' wouldn't hurt. I just feel so bad and I feel like he is nagging me all the time. I know the coffee table and end tables he had for three years were in excellent condition. And the couch and chairs. They now have nics from the babies toys and the couch is getting dirty from constant use and yes, from sticky hands and such. They are one and two years old. Yes their mom should clean up after them but chasing both of them around all day is tough on a 21 year old LOL. That was going to be my job when I quit working. I want that job! I told him how crazy this household was going to be but I don't think he really knew what he was getting into. He has to give me time to adjust and he has to adjust. Everything happened so fast with my treatments starting and getting married and everything. My crazy bunch is all new to him. I think he pictured the sweet young girl he married before but I am not 16 years old now and I have been through a lot over the years. We can't go back in time. He has changed too but he doesn't see it. I think I have faired well considering, I still have a sense of humor and I think I have a big heart. A loving heart. I don't think he thinks so right now. I like nice things too but I have really never had them (I had sufficient things) and they are just things. My grandbabies will grow up way too fast and then by then the THINGS will be gone by then and replaced by new things. I am not saying they should be allowed to tear these things up. But they are going to get a lot more wear and tear than they did with only two adults from his old home.
I'm sorry if I sound negative but it helps me to type this out. Jim is a swell guy and I believe he loves our kids and grankids very much. I believe he loves me very much. I love him. I just don't show it very well. It is going to be okay. I know it is. Especially if I quit trying to be the peacemaker and let 'em kill each other LOL. Jodi has a mouth like mine but she gets over it in a few days. I don't get over it so easy sometimes. Got to work on that LOL.
Toodles for now, enough complaining!

March 19, 2003... 10:30pm
Well, here I am again. I have never seen so much whining and complaining in all my days! Why can't everybody just chill out? It really isn't all that bad if everybody would just work together. Suck it up and deal with it together! I am telling you, I have never heard or seen such BS in my life! Everybody needs to do a little growing up around here. And stop bitching!! (not very Christian of me to say but good grief!) I work all day on my feet running around the office putting patients in, answering phone calls, taking off phone messages and answering them, calling in prescriptions, assisting the doctor with patients, doing referrals, making appointments for patients for tests and specialist appointments, giving injections, doing EKG's, answering sick calls from patients... well it goes on and on and not feeling well to boot because of my treatments and fatigue; then come home to try and put out stupid fires that are not necessary to begin with! Jim has went on strike cleaning because he gets no help or respect (like Rodney Dangerfield!) so he just quit doing anything, so tonight I came home and after working all day cleaned the kitchen. I know there are other "adults" here that could do it too. But I did it because I don't want to hear it anymore!
I can see his point too about it. I mean we are buying the food, putting a roof over our heads, trying to make everybody happy and all I hear is how horrible life is for them! WHAT ABOUT MY LIFE?? Guess it doesn't matter huh?
They don't realize the money it takes to pay for the cable tv, the phone lines, the internet etc... and my meds are costing a fortune. The treatments alone cost $130.00 a month. And then there is my other medications and Jim's too. The lights aren't free and neither is the heat and the rent is costly. And I don't mind one bit with any of it, if they would just understand the pressure sometimes and be a little grateful instead of complaining becuase it isn't a perfect world in their minds.
I really love having my kids home; and I don't mind doing anything for them, but why can't they understand that life isn't always fair, so get over it and suck it up! And realize ya don't have it so bad! In fact ya got it pretty darn good!
There are some people that would really love to have parents that would help them this much so they can get their lives together for the future. You have to crawl before you can walk and walk before you can run. Look at the poor mom's and kids that are terrified right now in the middle east, wondering if they are going to be alive tomorrow or not. They would love to have a safe haven in which to raise their children and improve their life and their childrens. Everybody is just so selfish today. It's me, me, me and to heck with anyone else and their feelings. It's an "I" problem.
Jimmy gave me $100.00 the other day to help us out and I told Jim to thank him and he looked at me like I was crazy. He said, he doesn't thank me. I could really go into a rave here, but I won't.
Well for pete's sakes! A simple thanks son for helping out, appreciate it. could go a long way in Christian love. Set an example for goodness sakes. It just sounded childish to me. I have never expected my kids to thank me for anything.
I am sorry for unloading but I have to or go crazy. It helps to rant and rave without having to do it out loud and have more argruing and yelling.
I refuse to yell unless I am attacked personally and then I will pop a cork! I am so busy trying to keep everybody happy that it is wearing me out! And I don't think they want to be. AHHHHHH... the turmoil!
Again I say stop the world and let me off. It is spinning too fast and out of control...
It's going to be okay, I know it is.
My daughter doesn't think I want her to have a place of her own and that isn't true. I just want her to be ready... and be able to take care of the kids without a problem. Her main concern seems to be having company and doing what she wants to do without having to answer to anyone. Well.. she is in for a rude awakening. There is always someone you have to answer to. Whether it be your boss or even your kids... they have basic needs that have to be taken care of and it isn't always easy to do it alone and without help. So there you have it. I had help. And I worked and had my own place but I still had to answer to others. Other's had to help watch the kids while I worked and so many other people and things that I had to, in some way answer to them for something, I can't even tell you it all. I answer to someone everyday when I walk in the door of work and then again when I come home. I answer to everybody here more than they do to me it seems.
And you will have to answer to God. Always. Whether you want to or not everybody will have to answer for what they have done in this life. And you better believe that!!
Again, I am sorry but had to vent. I will stop now *smile*.
My grandson just came home from his pappaw's and he is excited about a new belt and jacket he bought him. (especially the belt) He is so adorable. I want him to live with me, so I will be unhappy if Jodi moves out very soon. I don't want to see her struggle so hard. I worry about her. It is a tough world out there and she thinks she has all the answers (youth), but she has no clue.
She will.
She is breaking the boys of their bottles tonight so it isn't going to be a good night for her so tomorrow.... EEEEKKKK! Watch out for her mood LOL.
Josh will be harder to break because he is two and Joey is only 12 months. Josh was supposed to stay all night with pappaw but got fussy I think so he brought him home. Not a good night for pappaw to try and keep him. First night without the bottle. It is his security. He just holds it and hugs it to him when he sleeps. He will wake up if he looses it and when he finds it goes right back to sleep holding it.
Well better go, Josh went upstairs to show Pappy his belt. He is really excited about his new belt. He was that way about his shoes too. He is a dollbaby!!! Well he is back and said pappy is asleep. WAKE UP PAPPY and check out this kid's belt! LOL
Toodles for now.

March 22, 2003... 3:00pm
Hello. Things have been somewhat better on the homefront the last couple days. It has been pleasant around here. My kids have cleaned and got all their laundry caught up and it has been nice coming home to nobody fussing and fighting.
Jodi and the boys just left to go to a birthday party for one of Jodi's friends babies. They are doing okay without their bottles but still a little fussy when tired. Josh and Alexis both used the potty today. It is so funny watching Josh try to pee standing up because he can't reach it, so he climbs up on the seat and stands and then misses the toilet a lot. (going to have to get a step stool for him) He peed in Joey's face today doing it that way because Joey walked up on him and got in the line of fire LOL. Then Josh proceeded to get down and after the high fives and clapping... he pooped in the floor!
I took my injection early yesterday morning and went to bed early last night so today I don't feel too bad. Achey and tired, but I feel like that all the time it seems. Nature of the disease and the treatments I guess.
I had a hard time keeping up at work yesterday. Kept feeling foggy brained. Probably the shot I took.
Mom is having a real hard time with shingles. In a lot of pain. She has them really bad. They have her on some strong sedatives. She was suppossed to start them last night. I think she was a little hesitant about it. They gave her a patch to use as well as a nerve blocker that is also an anti-convulvise medicine. The patch cost $400.00! Thank goodness for good insurance! I am going over to check on her today. (maybe jump in her whirlpool tub)
Jim is so quiet lately but I think he is just a quiet person. But sometimes I think he is mad or something is bothering him. He tells me he is fine and everything is okay. I hope so. There are times I don't feel real secure but that could be the medicine making me feel like that I suppose. He is awful good to me. I guess we just have to get used to each other again. It has been 30 some years after all. He is set in his ways and I am set in mine. I feel very comfortable with him though.
Luke, our golden retriever is really learning to obey. He got out of the yard twice today and came when called. Our kitty is the sweetest thing ever! She is so pretty and calm. Doesn't get all bent out of shape with the kids and dog. She does get a little mad when Luke corners her because she hasn't any claws to swat him with. He isn't trying to hurt her, just trying to play. But she doesn't like feeling cornered. (takes after me LOL)
Well bored you enough for now. Talk again soon.
TOODLES

March 23, 2003... 1:45am
I watched the kids for Jodi to go to a friends for awhile. First Joey woke up and took me awhile to get him back to sleep. And then Josh woke up and wouldn't let me touch him. Kept crying for his mommy... so I called her and she came home. I don't know why he has become such a mommies baby. He used to let me rock him. Although I haven't done much of that lately. Joey is always on me. Maybe that is part of the problem. I need some alone quality time with Joshua. It broke my heart... LOL... that he wouldn't let me hold him. He just kept crying for his mommy. Now they are sitting in the rocking chair and he won't go to sleep. He is watching Barney. Think he is afraid if he goes to sleep mommy will go somewhere again.
Well going upstairs to lay with Joey until they come to bed.
TOODLES

March 27, 2003...9:00pm
Well it's back to the same old crap! This adjusting around here is not going too well. And I am the one in the middle.
Things just aren't going too well or very smoothly. I am raady to run away from home. They are gonna kill me if something doesn't change. My stress level is maxed out. My liver is probably shriveling up as I type this. The only thing I worry about is the boys. But if I am dead then I won't worry huh? I have a real hard time with anything or anybody saying anything about my kids. Especially since Josh was killed. There is reasons behind it all too. Won't get into it here though. I just feel very protective toward my children. I know they are grown but I don't care how old they are. No one understands I guess. I have changed and will never get over the loss of my child.

TEACHING OTHERS ABOUT OUR GRIEF
By Sandy Fox, Author of "I have No Intentions of Saying Goodbye."
When our child dies, a part of us dies with them.  We conceive this child. We bring them into the world.  We nurture them along.  We look forward to sharing all the joys and success they have along the way.  And then they are gone in a split second.
Their age or how they died does not matter.  The only thing that matters is that we are suffering through the most unbearable loss of all. We cannot expect others to understand how we feel, especially if they have never gone through it.  Sometimes we get angry at how friends or relatives react and respond to us.  They don't know what to say or how to say it and often they say it wrong, not meaning to be cruel, but not knowing better.
We have a choice.  We can be bitter and resentful to others or we can help them understand and be part of our journey.  What follows are what I call "10 Grief Lessons for Others."  By sharing these lessons with those close to you, a new level of understanding between you and others can help you down that long difficult road to recovery.
1.  BE THERE FOR ME.  If you are my friend, reach out, talk to me.  Hold my hand. Hug me.  Know that even though we may say we are all right, we will never be all right again.
2.  WE ARE DIFFERENT.  Understand that what has happened will change us forever, and if you are my friend, you will accept me for what I have become, for I am now, a person with different goals and different priorities.  What was once important to me may no longer have any meaning.
3.  BE A GOOD LISTENER.  We want above all else  to talk about our children.  To us, they will always be alive in our hearts, and we don't want others to forget them either.  Don't be afraid to mention their names in our conversations.  They were real people at one time, even though they are no longer with us.  They had hopes and dreams we'd still like to share with others.  Please don't pretend they never existed.
4.  NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW I FEEL.  We all grieve differently, even husbands and wives.  Please don't tell me you know how I feel.  You don't.  Rather than asking me, "How are you feeling?" ask me "What are you feeling?" I can probably give you a more honest answer.
5.  I MAY GRIEVE FOR A VERY LONG TIME.  There is no set time limit to my grief.  It may take me two years; it may take me five years.  I have to do what is comfortable for me.  Be patient.  I will do the best I can in what ever amount of time it takes.
6.  KEEP IN TOUCH.  Call me once in a while.  I promise to do the same.  Invite me to lunch or to a movie.  I will eventually go, because I will eventually feel better.  Don't give up on me and don't forget me.  I am trying to do the best I can right now.
7.  I MAY CRY AT TIMES IN FRONT OF YOU.  Please don't be embarrassed, and I won't either.  Besides being a natural emotion, crying is also a cleansing emotion.  By crying I can relieve a lot of anger, frustration, guilt and stress.  And best of all, I feel much better after a good cry.
8.  I PUT A MASK ON FOR THE PUBLIC.  Don't assume just because I am functioning during the day that I am "over it."  I will never get "over it."  I try to function normally because I have no other choice.  You should see me when the day is over and I am in the privacy of my own home and free to let my emotions out.  My day mask comes off and I am  just a mother, aching for her child.
9.  SOME DAYS MAY BE OVERWHELMING.  The slightest thing can trigger a bad time.  It can be a song, a place I go, a holiday, a wedding or even smells or sounds.  If I break down and start crying or seem to be in another world, it is because I am thinking of my child and longing for what I will never have again.
10.  LET ME DO WHATEVER MAKES ME HAPPY.  Don't think me strange if I want to go to the cemetery a lot, if I want to buy a brick in honor my child in every new building in town, or if I want to try to get new laws passed to keep this world safe for our children.  Encourage me to reach for the stars. We will never forget our children.  The pain never leaves.  It just softens a little with time.  We eventually function again, feel hope again, find joy in our lives.  It is a long road that we travel, but with the help of friends and relatives who understand a little of how we feel and what we are going through, perhaps that road will lead to new paths to enrich our lives in new ways we never dreamed were possible.
Sandy's new book chronicles the lives of 25 sets of parents who have lost children and share stories of courage, hope and how they have made each day meaningful again while always remembering their child.  These parents also give advice to those still having difficulty living in a world without their child.  A resource section in the back lists organizations that can be of help to parents.  See Sandy's web site for further information about the book.
www.sandyfoxauthor.com

March 30, 2003... 2:45am
Hello all who care to read this. It doesn't matter... just a place for me to type out my thoughts and I hold back on that with this being online. LOL So what is the real purpose? I don't know.
Even with this journal I keep my innermost thoughts guarded. I really should write in a private journal but there are times I would have to trash some of those I am sure. I guess the best thing is to talk to God. He will keep my journal for me huh?
I can't seem to say the right things lately and I am very defensive. Especially about my kids. I am real touchy. I don't feel good either but I don't think people realize that or they forget because I go to work and try to be pleasant when I come home. I am dog tired sometimes when I come home from working 9 or 10 hours and most of the time with no lunch break. I just want to be recognized for what I do. I am sick and no one cares. LOL Still having my pity party!
I heard from Connie (my brothers ex-wife, they still live together) and she said she was diagnosed with colon cancer yesterday. She is quite upset. I undestand. Nasty thing... cancer. She is scared. I don't know how to help her. But I am going to try to do the best I can. I didn't call her today but I really need to go see her. Soon and pray with her. I think she wanted me to pray with her over the phone last night, her sister did. I was sick and very fatigued and don't think it would have come out the way I wanted it too. I prayed after getting off the phone. I feel like I let her down. And then didn't call today. She has an appointment with a surgeon April 7. Maybe it isn't as bad as she thinks. I pray it isn't.
With all the complaining I have done lately I had a friend tell me I have been through the worst of the worst by losing Josh. And now I am letting little things bother me too much again. I think some of that is the medications I am on. Because it is true... the only thing that can cause me that much pain and heartache is the death of another child or grandchild. I am going to get off here because I am starting to feel sorry for myself again. Nobody likes me... Everybody hates me... Guess I'll go eat worms! LOL
TOODLES

April 6, 2003
Well this past week was pretty good at work and home. The doctor was out for vacation. I was busy with phone calls and such but this Monday is going to be awful. She has tons of labs to answer and messages and that means all that I got caught up on will be stacked high on my desk to call patients. Plus our schedule is packed full with patients for the doctor to see so I will be busy with that as well. I answered some prescriptions and messages on my own this week LOL. Put the charts on her desk so she could see what I had done. Playing doctor isn't all that easy sometimes hehehe

Yesterday was my 50th birthday. I came home from work Friday and Jim had 50 red roses w/babies breath in a vase. Very pretty! He also had a birthday cake and card on the table for me. Joshua, Jodi and Jim were all in the kitchen around them when I walked in. Joshua said "there's your flowers mammaw", so cute! And he was staring at the cake like he couldn't wait for some. So I cut him a piece of course! Jimmy and his baby Alexis came thru the gate and she looked like a little hippie the way her mom had her dressed. Adorable!!
Jim also wrote "Happy Birthday Rita Kay I love you" on the front room mirror Saturday morning for when I got up. He has really been trying to be pleasant and kind. He has even laughed quite a bit this past week. I love it! He hasn't complained much at all about the kids or anything. Proabably feels what's the use LOL. He has to fight me over it all the time. He is a good man and not always wrong about what he complains about. But I am so defensive and over protective of the kids.
He loves them and I know he loves me. I just don't understand the depth of the love he feels for me. I have never been loved like this and I don't know how to give it back in the same way.
I will learn.
There is much to pray about.

Mom was by herself this week b/c Dad and Rachael went to California to see his daughter. Mom was suppossed to go with them but with the shingles she wasn't up to it.
Tammy, my niece, went over and cleaned her house real good and Jim shampooed her carpet and cut the grass.
He also went and checked on her 2 or 3 times and took her some food one day so she wouldn't have to cook. He loves my mom.
Dad and Rachael got home last night safely
Praise the Lord! I was worried about them flying with the war and all. So glad they are home.

All I did yesterday, on my birthday, was sit on the web and lay in bed and sleep. LOL. (hey it was my birthday and I can do anything I want!)
I surfed memorials and found articles about roadside crosses and memorials. I can't believe there are some people that resent those memorials! To the point of taking them down and destroying them.
Even before Josh was killed and one put up at his accident site, I always looked and noticed them. (of course more so now) But I always thought of the family and the person. The person's life meant something and it isn't wrong to put up a memorial where their soul left this earth. Also serves as a reminder to people to drive carefully.
I guess it is being considered to remove these and some states have.
I will tie myself to the tree where Josh was killed if they do that and hold a cross with his picture.
(News at 11:00 folks)
Now that would be more of a road hazard then a cross! I don't think they are road hazards anymore than signs of advertisements! Or any other types of signs for that matter. If they are kept simple and off the road. If you don't like it don't look at it!!
But don't touch it!!!!
They also say that it hampers the people that mow the area and clean up, but if it is kept up it shouldn't hurt.
I went to Josh's cross once when it was being mowed and it was an old guy. He called me over and said he took care of it if flowers blew off, he'd put them back on. More people should be like him.
I do need to get over there more often and maybe keep it mowed down around it to make it easier for the ones that have to keep that area cleaned up.
With the winter and snow it hasn't been easy but this spring and summer I will do that.

Joey spent the weekend with his daddy and I have been going nuts! He has bronchitis and ear infections. So does Josh. They are both on antibiotics.
Scott keeps his daughter a lot and he is pretty good with babies.... but Joe doesn't really know him yet and he isn't used to being away from us this long.
Wonder what he is thinking? He will be home today.
Scott's dad wants him tomorrow while Jodi is at school. I think I am just jealous!

Jim has been getting up and going to church the last few Sunday's. I need to get up and go with him and take the kids. I think we need to choose a church together. He says he is going to go where he feels God leads him. But wouldn't I feel led to the same place. Or am I just suppossed to follow my husband? I don't want to get into the same situation where I feel judged for everything or where there is prejiduce.
The church I used to go to was a Independent Fundamental Baptist Church and I loved it in a lot of ways but they were awful judgemental and prejiduced! That isn't what Christ is about or how He expects His followers to be. They were also pretty self-righteous.
But listen to me... I am judging now.
Sorry.
It is just I will not go to a church that forgets Love and Kindness to people of all walks of life and no matter what their lifestyles are. If they came to church they are seeking. Show them Christ! In your actions, not just your words.
And it doesn't matter how they dress or wear their hair. Doesn't matter if they have tattoo or piercings either.

Well I think I have covered this past week.
Have I said how much I miss Josh? I especially did yesterday. Jimmy and Jodi kept telling me happy birthday. I missed Josh telling me.
But he was near.
A friend called and said she found a stocking hat Josh wore and would bring it to me. I hope it still has his smell. It probably won't after 2 1/2 years and it has been in the back seat of her car for a week or so.
I miss you Josh, so very much.

Well toodles for now.

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April 10, 2003...9:30pm
My nuerologist appointment was uneventful. By the time I went for this appointment... I am not hurting. They said leave it alone for now and if pain comes back call. And not to lift over 8 lbs.... ROTFL!
For more of today click below and scroll down to todays date
Click here
TOODLES

April 13, 2003... 1:15am
Hello journal my friend...
had a pretty good week at work. Was real tired at night and had a real hard time getting up in the mornings but once I was up and moving I did okay. For how I am doing on my treatment journey.. go to that journal. (or I am just repeating myself a lot *smile*
We had a good day today. Went to the humane society to see what it costs to use their doggie park. And I took a quick peek at what they had in the way of animals. I wish I could rescue them all. I need a farm! Jim stayed outside with Luke and me and Joey went back to see the animals. In the cat area I put Joe down by a cage and was looking at the kitties. I got to looking and walked away from him... duh! Walked around the room and almost walked out the door without him! I looked down and he was still standing by the same cage with people milling all around. I thought "wow... he looks like Joey!" And then I thought "oh shit! It is Joey!" I grabbed him up and hugged him... I thought of how easy it would have been for someone to walk off with him. I almost died. If anyone else had done that I would be outraged! My mind has been getting so forgetful! I blame it on the meds I am on. I had chills from it! Scared me to death. How could I have done that!!!??? Brain fade... bad!! I can't believe I did that because I am so careful in stores and everywhere! Just because people like animals doesn't mean they are all normal, sane, good people. He was just standing there with his pacey in his mouth not making a sound or moving around any. What an idiot I was for being so careless. Thank God he was safe. I wasn't away from him that long but it doesn't take long for something to happen! Thank you Father for watching out for him. And me.
Jim and I had a good day. After the humane society we took Luke and Joey to the park. (Josh was with Jack) Luke loved it there. The lake had geese and Luke got in the water and wanted to go out farther but we didn't know what he would do. He layed down in it LOL. He wanted to chase the geese so bad. I was afraid if we let him go, we'd have a hard time getting him back. He isn't used to running free. He is always on a leash. But I bet he would have loved it.
The trip wore me out though. Went by mom's to visit and couldn't stay long. I was so tired and achey. But after coming home and resting I am feeling better.
Jim has been so pleasent lately. He is smiling more. I am so happy about that. Life is actually pleasant here at home. I am babysitting for the boys tonight and he didn't seem upset about it. Josh is in bed with him and me and Joey are down here in the basement. Joey is sleeping and I am on the web. Jim just now went to bed... we watched TV down here for a while and sat close on the sofa. Playing with Joey. It was cozy and very nice. It is cozy down here in the basement anyway.. I love it down here. Josh has been asleep since around 6:30 pm so he will be up bright and early! (if not before morning) He and Jim will probably have morning coffee and talk at the kitchen table in the morning. They do that sometimes. It is cool when they do that.
Joey is acting restless on the sofa but it is because he likes to touch you when he is sleeping. He is so cute. Josh is so cute. Have I said how much I love them? I love my kids and grandkids so much I feel like I could burst from it sometimes.
That is how much God loves us... no He loves us even more than we have the capabilites of understanding. It is awesome! To think how much He loves me. I get a cozy feeling inside when I compare how I feel about my kids and grandkids and knowing God feels a gazillion times more for me than I could ever feel in this sinful human body.

2:00am
Sorry.. Josh woke up and had to stop and rock him. He is now awake and watching Barney. He is at one end of the sofa and Joey is at the other end. I suspect Josh is going to be up for awhile.
Jodi is out with her friends, went dancing. Josh is being good about it so far. He ususally cries and throws a fit for her but he didn't when I told him she would be back later.
Both the boys are still coughing real bad. It is a loose cough though. I just wish they would get over this. They both had ear infections but I think the antibiotic took care of that. But they will probably get 'em again if the sinus drainage don't go away.
We have had a lot of sick people come into work, and a lot of strep throat. We also got a memo to triage all upper respiratory problems before bringing them in for an appointment. We are to ask if they have been out of the country or around anyone that has. We are to also wear masks or put them in a room away from other people. Crap no!... send them to the ER! They have the means that we don't have to deal with something like SARS! Or even if it is suspect or a possibility. But I guess it better be a strong possiblility before sending to the ER if the office is open. Geesh... then why send a memo except to cover their own butts if we are exposed to it. Sometimes I get so aggravated with the way the medical profession is going. The insurance companies dictate EVERYTHING! EVEN WHAT THE DOCTORS CAN PRESCRIBE IN THE WAY OF MEDICATIONS! I get so many calls from pharmacies saying the patient's insurance won't pay for this medication because they have a formulary to be cost effective. Drives me nuts and adds more work to an already busy day. Just give them what the doctor prescribes! It is really rediculous.
We also have some patients who are getting their prescriptions from Canada because they can get them so much cheaper. I hear the drug companies are trying to put a stop to that. I don't know if they will be able to or not but it really isn't fair that the same medications are so much cheaper in Canada. The poor old people can't afford to buy food after paying for their medications. Why don't the government pay for old people to have medicine?? I just don't understand it! The drug companies spend a fortune buying lunches for these doctor offices and bringing in junk trinkets. I know that is advertisment but spend the money where it is needed! On people that need it! I'd sure respect them more if they did that.
Well enough of that before I get on a role.
Jimmy is home tonight. He is home most of the time. He is a real home body. I feel good that my kids are here with me. I know they would like to be in their own places but they have time for that. I need them with me right now. I am glad they are. Jimmy is so laid back and quiet.. you don't even know he is around most of the time. Jodi, on the other hand LOL, makes herself known. She has been so grouchy lately. I think she is staying up too late and then the kids want her up in the morings. She isn't getting enough good rest. I wish I could stay home. I'd get up with them. And then when they don't want to go to bed or wakes up at night, she can deal with that.
Jimmy doesn't have Alexis this weekend and I miss her. Getting used to her being here on the weekend. She and Josh play so well together. Poor little Joey hasn't caught up with them yet and he tries to keep up but can't. Josh is mean to him sometimes but also watches out for him in other ways. He is jealous of him I suppose. Josh is still a baby too.
Alexis tells Josh to be nice to Joey LOL.
Sometimes Jake is here too, he is my great nephew. He and Josh sometimes fight but they enjoy each other.
Well... until later... TOODLES.
12:45pm
It's later.. not by much but here I am again. I have been up all night.
After getting Joe to sleep last night Josh was up until 6:00am and by this time I am too wired to go to sleep. I haven't cleaned either. Nope... been on here all night or most of it. Surfing like the old days.
Josh was cute though. He was writing with a pencil and paper that I gave him and then he rolled over onto his back with the pencil in his hand. Big Josh used to lay on his back and twirl a pencil all the time for as long as I can remember. I used to yell at him and tell him he was going to flip and miss and put his eye out! It seems he always had a pencil in his hand. His brother found a pencil and put it in his hand at the funeral home and said... "now there that is more like it, I knew something was missing."
Anyway, little Josh was doing this, not quite like uncle Josh but almost. And then... he said as he was looking up... "did you see that? Do you see that?" And he was pointing at the ceiling. I looked up and kept looking and nothing. He looked so serious... my heart beat a little faster.
Angels?
Big Josh?
And then he said something about a dog flying. ????????? I said do you see a dog flying? He said "yeah". And he was smiling so big. His dimples just a shining. Then I thought he has an imagination like his uncle Josh.
Maybe....
or was it......
somethng else?
It was kind of a feel good moment for me. I got a little excited.. I have a pretty good imagination too.. but I do believe in angel visitations. Especially to the innocent minds of children. He used to smile into the air a lot when he was a baby. I always thought he saw something then.
Jim got up and went to church this morning. He just came home a little while ago and asked me if I had been to bed. Now why did I feel like a little kid in trouble? LOL
I don't know why he loves me but I am glad he does.
I love being on the web and sometimes on the weekend I get carried away with it. I love to surf memorial websites and typing in my journals and working on my own website.
Well I guess I better get off here and enjoy the day. It is warm outside today. We had planned on getting Josh some new shoes. I don't know if I am up to that today with no sleep. Maybe that is why I feel like a naughty little girl for staying up all night. I was babysitting though. And Josh slept too long, too early and was up all night too. I could have went to sleep when he did at 6:00 am and slept until Jim came home from church. But I didn't. I also could have went to church with my husband. But I didn't.

Now in this spot of my journal I had a wonderful poem and had given credit to the person that wrote it... got an e-mail saying I was using their poem and it was copywrited... so I had to remove it. I tried to reply and ask permission to use it and how do I go about giving credit other than adding their name to it; the mail bounced back to me. So I just removed it. I thought it was a wonderful poem and would have been very helpful to others in their grief... and their friends and family. I am sorry I had to remove it.
But at least I know someone viewed my site! *smile*
I am now afraid I have done wrong in other areas on my site. If I have PLEASE don't sue!! I don't have anything for you to get... just tell me and I will remove it!! I am just a poor grieving momma... wanting to honor my son. And if anyone else gets a little comfort or connects with me or even turns their thoughts to Christ... then that would be a good thing. Wouldn't it?
I apologize to this person.
Thank you.
TOODLES again for now.

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Email: springp413@msn.com