August 28, 2004...10:00pm
Well so far so good on treatments. Been sick of course but nothing I can't deal with. Same as last time basically. Aches, nausea is worse this time around, feels like morning sickness. It comes and goes.
Jim is now an animal cop. He is going thru his training. I think he is going to like it. We are looking to move. We would like to buy a house with a nice sized fenced backyard for my kids and animals. (okay - my grandkids, they are mine too!)
I feel like if my kid has a kid they are my kids too.
They called Abraham father not grandfather or great grandfather. He was Father Abraham. *smile*
We now have 4 rats, several hamsters and gerbils, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs, 3 dogs, 4 cats and 3 cockatiels. We had 4 sugar gliders but my oldest son took them. I think we are going to find homes for the hamsters and gerbils. Just a lot of work for Jim, keeping up with all the cages.
Our one golden has thyroid problems. She keeps gaining weight and her ears are so infected. Jim has been trying to clear them up without success so he finally broke down and took her to the vet. You can't let them suffer! Goldie weighs 138 lbs! Way too much. She is a fatty.
Josh's birthday and Heaven day have come and gone again. Four years. Unbelievable! I miss him so very much and it doesn't get easier. In some ways it gets worse.
I am sick to death of people, and it has only been a few, that say the most STUPID things to me. My friend said "well you had him for 21 years, he's in a better place, you have 2 other kids" grrrr!!! She has NO CLUE!!!! I don't love my 2 here any less than the one in Heaven. I don't love the one in Heaven any less than the 2 here. I hurt for the one I don't see. I miss him. Sorry if that doesn't fit with your world but that is the way it is my friend! This same friend thinks I should stop my treatments and let happen whatever happens. Duh! It is my life.... my liver! I just don't understand sometimes. Maybe I am wearing my feelings on my sleeve and taking things wrong. But it hurts anyway. Support me, don't berate me or belittle me.
I don't conform to the way she thinks I should act I guess. I have no energy, I don't want to party, (and when do you outgrow partying anyway?) I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I get that seclusion thing from my mom and granny. Mom would be perfectly happy in her PJ's reading a book. Granny wanted to be home too. Home.... that is where I want to be. All the time. I am gone enough going to work. I like to be home.
If you want to see me.... you know where I am. I don't go far believe me.
Josh is sleeping next to me... the dogs are sleeping and the cats are sleeping. Jim is in bed, Jodi is at her sisters and Joey is at his daddy's.
It is quiet here on the homefront. *sigh* HOME - I love being home.
toodles
September 18, 2004Hello. Check out E-mail to heaven. For recent updates.
Also go to funeralnet type in Cope, look for Joshua and sign his online funeral guestbook. Thanks.
TOODLES
October 5, 2004.... 8:00 pm
Hello. For updates check out my e-mail to Heaven. Don't want to repeat myself. Treatments are going as well as can be expected. They are changing my paxil, afer 4 years of being on it to Lexapro.
TOODLES
December 11, 2004 9:44am
Hi... we have been moving..... downsizing from a 4 bedroom townhouse to a 3 bedroom townhouse. The house thing didn't work out yet for this year. Maybe next year. It has been a real "TOUGH" job... I didn't take anytime off work and the treatments I was on didn't help with my energy level. We still aren't completely done. Almost though. It has taken 2 weeks. I knew it would but... Jim is upset it has taken so long. He took a vacation to do this and didn't have much help. The first week was just doing what he could without a truck and help moving large stuff. Jim hasn't been well... his sugars are up and his muscles are aching from the statins he is on for his cholesterol. He has stopped them for now. His ck which is a muscle test to see if his muscles are being affected were double the high normal. 301 and the normal high is 150. He is also not in a very good mood due to having to get rid of some of the animals he brought in for rescue. He really did overdue it. And our one golden had to be put to sleep. She was miserable. He won't even talk to me about it.
We now have one golden (since he was a baby) - one cat (we rescued from the humane society) and one tiny mix he brought home from animal care and control. (We are having a hard time housebreaking her). At any rate the animals are more manageable now. They are a lot of work! And expensive. You need a BIG place to try to do animal rescue. Oh and we have three cockatiels (he wants to give away, I don't)
I stopped the high dose of treatment last week and the 6 pills daily. I am now on a low dose of Peg-Intron (one injection a week) - should be more mangageable for me. Blood count should go back up. I know my appetite is returning and that is NOT a good thing LOL.
I need to get to Josh's roadside cross and do some work. It is looking shabby. Needs to have his Santa hat put on it too. I haven't been to the cemetary in forever it seems. I am making a point of going before Christmas. It is hard to do things when you are sick and still trying to work 45-50 hours a week. Still no excuse in my mind. I know Josh isn't there but the body I carried for nine months and hugged and touched for 21 years is there.
Just thought I'd write here since I haven't for some time now.
I have been updating more in my E-mail to Heaven than I have here. Toodles for now.
February 6, 2005...3:30pm
Hello Journal. Super Bowl Sunday and quiet on the web. So glad I don't work in the bars anymore! I don't think I could handle it now. You can bet there are a lot of people in the sports bars today. And at super bowl parties.
Me? I prefer to stay home and relax. I don't like to go anywhere or do anything anymore. I think I could be a hermit. No that isn't true... I want my family around me. Especially my grandkids.
I am a boring person these days. Sorry folks.
Jim doesn't even like me anymore *smile*. Can't help it. I am not hateful, just boring. I have a hard time relating to adults anymore hehehe. Give me kids and cartoons!
Josh's cross is in bad need of attention still. I haven't been to the cemetary. Work is work. (too many hormones there, lots of complaining and bickering) Home, well, hmmm.... don't know about this at the moment. Will have to let you know on that one later. I like our apartment. It is smaller but quieter so far in this part of the complex. Our neighbors are really sweet on the one side. Haven't met the other side. They must be Christian people. And their kids are so well behaved and sweet. Very friendly and considerate people.
As far as the home life. I am doing okay but don't know about Jim. I think we broke him. Wonder if he has a warranty? He works and stays in the bedroom when he is home. Doesn't talk to anyone or act sociable to us at all. I think he would like to live alone. Or maybe just away from us? Don't know. Guess time will tell. I never claimed to be perfect. He knew I wasn't. He isn't either. But I know there are times I don't trust him. And that isn't good. I want too. I want it to work. But not going to change this late in my age. I have tried to change some. I just don't like it when he thinks he is doing it all by himself. Not true. I don't like it when he makes me feel like he is superior. I don't like it when he insults me. I am an adult don't treat me like a child. I work, I have raised my kids by myself with no financial help. I may not have done the perfect job of it. We had what we needed. And... no one does a perfect job parenting. I think he thinks he did a perfect job with Deb's kids. Oh well, think what you want. Just don't judge me.
Deb told mom once he was mean. I didn't believe it but I do now. I think he was too strict. About stupid little things. He is mean here sometimes. He doen't beat on anyone or anything like that. He needs to chill. Life is too short to be angry all the time. He knows better than to whip the kids. I will be a raging mother bear. I can be mean too.
I am not perfect, as I said, I am not one to make the bed when I jump out of it. I am getting some better at the housekeeping thingy. Just never been one to be susie homemaker or betty crocker. I have always been the bread-winner. I don't get upset if the kids toys are spread all over the place. Some people go crazy about that stuff. Jim does. That is probably why he stays in "his" room. And believe me... it is only my room to sleep in or when he isn't home. He has tried to tell me I can't smoke in there. Or would like it if I didn't. I do. It is a nasty habit, I know this. But something I am not ready to stop at the moment. And I will smoke in my own house/bedroom if I choose to do so.
Life can suck sometimes. If you let it. I am just taking life one minute at a time. Tomorrow isn't promised.
TOODLES
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