Well, here I am, still trying to maintain my sanity. Most people at work are so understanding and let me talk if I want to. Except the two I work directly with. They just aren't understanding of the fact that I need to talk about him, even if it makes me cry. It makes them very uncomfortable I guess. So I hold it in but I have no patience with the
little superficial problems that they complain about or the moodiness because they got up on the wrong side of the bed, or maybe had a disagreement with the wife over something childish. And I am about to make that known to them as I am on the edge at times. Since I last wrote in my journal we had a babyshower for my daughter. It went well... she got a lot of nice things for the baby. She did "IT'S A BOY" theme.. they said 80% for boy but that's not 100% :-) so we may be explaining to her why it said it's a boy on the cake. I am also dealing with misunderstandings right now with David and his family over the insurance situation. When this happened.. my brother notified his lawyer... not to sue David, but to battle with David's car insurance. I know insurance and they will try not to pay for anything. I feel his insurance should pay for the funeral expenses. I thought that is why we have insurance. It is actually his grandparents insurance as it was their car. I guess they called and said I was suing them. Not true.. I haven't talked to the lawyer but my brother made it clear I didn't want anything, only the funeral expenses paid. I feel for David, he is feeling guilty about Josh's death and scared that the state is gonna press charges. I really do feel a deep hearted pain for him. I saw him last week for the first time. He couldn't walk well and he has lost weight. He is on a walker and isn't moving very well. He didn't say much to me but did hug me tight on my initiation. I didn't know at the time, he thinks I am suing him and trying to put him in jail. This is not true. His girlfriend came to pick him up and wouldn't talk to me. I am sorry about all this but I have gone through the most devastating loss of my life, Josh has been ripped away from me! He deserves for his funeral to be paid for, he deserved a decent burial! And I will not apologize for having a lawyer to fight the insurance company. His girlfriend called me a few days later to tell me she was sorry for acting that way and told me David had a dream about Josh, woke up and he couldn't stop crying. He said they were at the studio and Josh was sitting next to him. He asked Josh "is that really you? Are you really here?" and Josh said "Yes. You can touch me if you want and see" He said he got scared and stepped outside the studio and Josh followed him and was mad at him for the wreck and said to him "Thanks a lot". Josh isn't mad at anyone. Not where he is. He is praying for David before the throne of grace. I told her to tell David this. I found this on a webpage and thought I'd put it here... I hope it is okay to use.... I gave full credit to the person whose name was on it and to the memory of the person it was to. Wondering why...a futile thing Well it is Sunday and I didn't make it to church again. I really need to get up and go. I need it. I need to be in fellowship with God's people at least one day a week. Being in the world all week and not a soul praising Him or talking about Him really gives satan room to slam me. He knows I am weak and he knows where I am the weakest right now, so I really need to be with people that love the Lord and gain strength from fellowship with them. My Holy Heavenly Father, I am learning to lean not on my own understanding but I am human and it is hard and I don't surrender all to You like I want to. Please be patient and have mercy on this child of Yours. And forgive me for being so weak. I was reading e-mails to Heaven on a website last night and this morning, and there are so many hurting people over lost loved ones. I am not the only one that is hurting so badly and I ask You to forgive me for being so selfish in my pain and grief... I pray You are glorified in these losses and lives are changed and brought into Your Kingdom. In the name of Jesus I pray... Amen I will be going along just fine and think I am ok and then it hits like a tidal wave. I feel like I am gonna throw up when this happens. It washes over me like a huge wave and I almost feel like I am gonna suffocate. I get scared thinking this is my life for the rest of my life. I want to die and then I think of my daughter and other son, my mom and grandchildren and then I want to live and I feel guilty wanting to live. GUILT is something I keep feeling and I don't understand this feeling. I feel guilty for smiling at my patients and if I happen to laugh I immediately want to cry. I have heard some say they will never laugh again. But I have laughed a couple times lately. Not a lot but with my daughter over the baby kicking or whatever. Am I not supposed to do this. Josh would laugh at things I have laughed at. He has a great sense of humor. My emotions are so much on a rollar coaster and I just can't seem to get a grip. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to grieve but I know the hurt is horrible. And the guilt is so confusing. I look at people sometimes and want to yell at them for not grieving with me. Don't they understand my life has changed and I am not the same person any more. I will never be the same person again. Stop the world and let me off!! For a minute to catch my breath and try to let my brain catch up with what is going on in my life right now, please! Well I guess going back to work wasn't such a bad idea because I am too tired and busy during the week to cry constantly. It is there.. in the back of my mind all the time... but I have to hide it and push it away to function at work. But on the weekends.. it is so hard. Everywhere I look I see him. He was born here and lived here for 21 years. His mark is on everything. Everything I touch and everywhere I go.. I see him. This isn't a bad thing but it hurts. It hurts knowing he isn't going to be here anymore. Jimmy went into his room to start cleaning it up today and I was going to help him. I couldn't. And he came out with a CD and I put it on and it was Josh singing. I cried. I picked up a piece of paper he had written on. I cried. I picked up his shirt he had worn. I smelled it. I cried. I briefly dreamed of him just before awakening this (yesterday now) morning. He bowed his head and folded his hands in prayer. I said to him "Josh, it's alright" and I woke up. I spoke to the lawyers office today. I wanted to know what was going on. They are still gathering facts. I guess they are requesting info from the apartment complex where the party was held. So the girl that made David drive that night may loose her job. I don't know but I am sure she will have to answer to them about it. I don't want her to loose her job but I can't help it if she does. David told her he was to drunk to drive Josh home so someone should have called me or a cab for him. I can't help but feel angry at the irresponsibility. And I can't worry about them getting angry at me (which takes a lot of nerve to begin with) I lost my son to a senseless car accident due to their stupidity. I'm sorry Josh honey. Sorry if your friends are in trouble but more sorry you aren't here with me anymore. I know you are safe now, but I also know you were hurt really bad. I hope you didn't have time to get scared or feel pain. I love you and miss you so much. I am gonna close for now... will write more later. It's Sunday again and I am home when I should be in church. We were up late last night re-arranging the living room. And Josh's childhood friend, James, (he is also the father of Jodi's baby) worked in Josh's room. While he was doing that, Jodi and I made a memory corner in the living room for Joshua. (actually I watched, she is a perfectionist and it had to be just right) She arranged the plants from his funeral around his picture. The candle we received for Josh being an organ donor to help others, a beautiful cross, and personal things of his were all placed around to make a lovely memorial for him. She then added a couple small candles to put a soft glow around it. I had a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit. She misses him as much as I do. James came down and couple times to show us something he found in Josh's room that he and Josh used to play with together. And the freddie krueger glove Josh used when he dressed up on holloween one year. He said they both dressed up as freddie one year. He also called Jodi into the room once or twice to show her some toys that were still in his closet. Some old GI Joe's he had given him. They used to trade things. I know I should have been doing this but I just couldn't. I asked him to please be very careful of anything he threw away. It might not seem important to him but it may be to me. There was a lot of junk and I am a pack rat... and James knew Josh well. Josh had been in that room for many years and it was really a mess. I let James have his old nintendo games. And his clothes. I just couldn't throw anything away, even if it was broken... that is why I needed help. My daughter said it was a good thing he didn't find poop - I would have had it bronzed. (she said it lovingly) I said probably because that is all I have left... but that's not true. I have memories and love. This is so hard. Josh was talking about cleaning out his room and closet before he died so old comic books that were tore up and things of that nature needed to be tossed. I really needed someone who could do this. My baby boy really was a slob and I say this lovingly. He was sometimes like a bull in a china shop. I used to tease him about going thru the house at break neck speed and pictures jumping off the wall or swinging crooked as he passed. I miss it very much! No baby yet. Jodi had a doctors appointment today and he said she is about the same as last week. She is dilated 2cm (has to go to 10cm) and effaced 50%; which means her cervix has thinned out halfway. We are getting anxious now. God is in control of this too. So I will try to be patient. This baby is a precious gift from God. If Jodi had not gotten pregnant, even though she isn't married, she would be in the army right now. And would have been having to go thru basic training after the death of her brother.
E-MAIL TO HEAVEN
It steals my joy,
It leaves a sting.
For I cannot begin to know,
His ways, His thoughts, The ocean's flow....
The mystery of life itself
and if I knew it would not help,
For I am just a speck of sand.
Upon the shore....alone I stand.
I can only gaze and blink,
It hurts to feel....it hurts to think.
So, I'll just leave it in His hands,
For all things bow to His command.
The Wind, the sunshine on my face,
These will always be in place.
In memory of my father,
Johnnie Shaw 3-22-99
Karen Shaw Matteson
(thanks Karen, this is so true)
please forgive me for talking the talk and not walking the walk as I should. I know in my weakness You can be glorified if only I will submit to Your Spirit. There are so many things I want to do for You, but through laziness, procrastination and lack of faith I do not do them. I pray for Your mercy and guidance and the leading of the Holy Spirit.
My oldest son started it yesterday morning and James finished it.
It has now been 11 weeks. I made it through another week. With more tears, of course.
This past week I got a card from Dave's grandmother. She was very apologetic to have not written sooner. She stated she had me on her mind daily since the accident. I guess David hasn't had such an easy time of it. His dad (her son) died of brain cancer in 1995 and she lost her grandaughter at age 8 in 1980 (David's sister); she drowned when she fell off a boat while in the care of her other grandparents.
David then went to live with her in 1996 because his mom didn't want him. She said she has tried so hard to help him; he was so lonely for his family.
She told me she has been so distressed over all that has happened and is so sorry. I am too. She is not young woman, I think she is in her late 70's from what I was told. And she knows loss all too well so she does know how I am feeling I suppose. I feel so bad for both of us. She asked me to call or come by anytime. I am not ready yet. I may call or write soon.
The same day I also received a short police report from the lawyer. A short paragragh. I think the original is 6 pages with diagrams of the accident. There are surely some pictures of the accident somewhere. I would think they would have taken pictures. I am going to have to investigate that.
The police report I got stated the vehicle was eastbound on W. 34th St. when it drove off the right side of the roadway and became airborn. Then struck an IPL light pole and the support pole beside it. The vehicle's roof impacted the pole 48" off the ground and continued E/B and then struck a 4' round tree head on to the right of center, with damage to the tree showing at 54" above the ground. The force of the impact then sent the vehicle into a 180 degree backward spin into the traveled portion of W. 34th St. It was during this rearward spin the passenger was ejected from the vehicle. First personnel on the scene found the driver pinned between the seats and required extrication. The passenger was found lying in the roadway to the left rear of the vehicle. Both occupants were transported to a hospital ER, where the passenger was pronounced dead from injuries sustained in the crash.
Dave said he was only going 40 mph... they had only traveled 3.4 blocks when the wreck happened. Airborn? He has to be lying about his speed. The cop said 45-55 mph and he said he was being conservative in his estimate.
WHY DAVID, WHEN YOU SAID YOU TOLD THEM AT THE PARTY YOU WERE TOO DRUNK TO DRIVE, WERE YOU GOING SO FAST? I'M ANGRY!!
And hurt and confused.
Was my baby lying face down? Face up? How bad was he bleeding? Did he feel anything or have time to be scared?
Oh God, please help me here.
Dave's girlfriend said she is really seeing a change in Dave (my whole life is changed, why did this happen?). She said they went to church the last two Sunday's. And they visited Josh's grave last Sunday (why was he speeding?)
I am glad Dave is going to church. She said he may graduate from a walker to a cane soon. And they would like to go to church with me one Sunday.
I haven't been. God, I am sorry. The music makes me cry. And I wish Josh could be there with me. Please forgive me and be patient with me. Have mercy on me Lord. I'll come back to church again. It's been a while, hasn't it?
Josh has his gravestone. That was another hard one. To see his name on a gravestone... it just isn't right somehow.
Jodi went to his grave for the first time since he was buried. She didn't want to go until the stone was in. She didn't want to see a mound of dirt only. She sat, with her pregnant body beside him and Granny. I took her picture there beside them. I fought the tears and held them back.
Jodi is really getting big, she is due anytime now. I sure wish Josh were here with us to welcome the new baby.
She has a picture I took of her standing next to Josh's picture (the one from the funeral with the inscription CELEBRATING THE LIFE OF...) and there is nothing odd about it. Until it was scanned to be put on her baby webpage. And the strangest thing... there is a red place on her belly and it radiates out in front of her red and then turns bright. And all the other pictures will go into the web scrapbook but it won't take this one. (the other pictures also don't have this light on them) And we can't get it out of the picture either. It isn't in the original. We had fun with it saying it was Josh touching her belly. An angel and him there. Maybe it is.
Until later... maybe there will be a baby to brag about.
(part of this is edited from something I read on the web somewhere.. if it is you let me know and I'll give credit, move or change it)...
Before the foundation of the world His plan was made, and no unexpected accident has ever taken Him by surprise. His hand ~His loving and almighty hand~ was in control of the car the night of Josh's car wreck. And when the 21 years of Joshua's beautiful life on earth were completed, God took him home where now a brighter life has begun. I believe in the Bible and I believe in God. I believe in Heaven and I believe in life after death. I believe. I believe is on his gravestone with a set of praying hands and a cross. I miss you so much Josh!
She discovered she was pregnant when she went for an army physical and of course she failed the physical. I thought at the time it was not good timing... I have changed my mind. I need her here and she needs to be home with me too. It would have been awful for her to be gone right now. And with the problems in the middle east... it would have been awful to have that worry on top of my grief and anguish. So God can take our mistakes and make them work for our good I think, don't you?
In Loving Memory *Granny, Les, Ray, Josh*
GUIDANCE *worth reading*
SEE JOSH HERE!
