He has been a great balm for my pain. I even had some really good days. I did cry all the way home from the hospital when bringing him home.. I was remembering bringing my kids home, and knew Josh wouldn't be here to greet us when we got home. But I believe God let Josh see. I thank God for baby Josh and I pray God lets uncle Josh have a look every now and again. Well, here it is... Thanksgiving day. Josh's favorite holiday. I hate this. I thought I was doing some better, but I guess not. I push it aside a lot of the times and pretend he isn't dead, just not home yet. But today it is a reality check. He isn't here with us I have held baby Josh and just cried. I wish his uncle Josh was here. I feel like I just keep repeating myself but I can't help it. He should be here! I wrote a poem the other night and I am going to take it with me today. Mom said she is having a harder time and it seems to get harder as time moves on. She said she was looking at his pictures and it just gets harder and harder for her. Things to be thankful for? I am thankful God is with me even in my anguish and grief. I hurt. I am thankful. I know you are so happy, Josh. I am just trying to adjust to my new world; a world without you. I feel so bad that I can't see you, hold you, kiss you and be able to tell you I love you.
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I really have been neglecting writing in my journal. But our little bundle of joy is here. He came into the world November 4 at 8:09 pm and he is beautiful!
It was so exciting... I was in the room and helped through the whole thing. It was really amazing. Joshua James weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 20 1/4 in long. The nurse in the delivery room said 21 in. And when he went to the nursery they said 20 1/4. He was weighed in at the doctors at 4 days old and they said 21 inches so I think the labor and delivery nurse was more accurate.
He also has a head full of blonde hair. Just like his uncle Josh did. He has dimples in both cheeks and one in his chin too.
He is so sweet!
I have been pretty weepy the last couple of days though. I have to live in a make believe world to make it through the day sometimes. The psychiatrist at work said that is okay.. do whatever I have to do to make it through each moment.. so long as I can come back to reality. She told me I would have some really bad days for quite some time. I am learning to live with them, I guess. I hurt but I know there is nothing I can do but live with the hurt
.. I pray and cry. But I function everyday.
I have cried quite a bit yesterday and am on the verge and fighting it this morning. He loved this day and being with family. We are all getting together around 1:00pm and I am not so sure I want too. But I have to do this. I usually cook and take something with me but I just can't. I don't really even want to go today. I just want to go sit by his grave and cry.
She has been through so much in the last year with her brothers dying so close together, and not knowing where one is and if he is okay and now her grandson.
There really is but it is hard to believe it at times.
I am thankful it was warm the night of the wreck.. he didn't lay on a cold pavement and freeze on top of being hurt so bad.
I am thankful for the conversation he and I had before he died and I have the assurance he was saved.
I am thankful for our new little Joshua and that he is normal, healthy and beautiful.
I am thankful for God's grace and for my salvation.
I am thankful God loved us so much He sent His son to die for our sins so we can be with Him in Glory.
I am thankful knowing Josh and Granny are together and I will see them both someday soon.
My son is not gone forever.
He is still with me . His memories, his thoughts are embedded deep in my heart and soul.
I still miss him. But not for one moment do I feel God has abandoned me and left me to grieve alone.
Joshua knows everytime I pray and he comes closer to me. He stands at the portals of Heaven and smiles when I pray.
Sometimes he bows reverently in front of God's Throne and joins me in prayer.
Love does not diminish, it grows stronger.
My son is behind every rainbow, behind every cloud, in every breeze that blows.
I am told things will get better and life goes on, but my focus on life has changed.
As I struggle to adjust to life without him, I wait with silent tears (and sometimes not so silent) for the time I will see his face again. I pray God allows him, in his new world, to give me a sign or come to me... even if only in my dreams.
In anguish and grief, I try to envision his smile, his voice. I am overcome with the fear I will forget the sound of it.
I call out to the Heavens for help.
I find peace envisioning him busy adjusting to his new world with so much excitement.
I find comfort knowing you are aware of my love, even in your new world.
And you are with me still in mine, in my heart.
I will talk to you and pray God let's you hear me, and somehow answer me.
When I feel total despair, I reach out to Jesus, and the Great Comforter comes.
The love from our Savior that transcends from Heaven to Earth is so amazing. My love for my son is taken from Earth to Heaven on the wings of prayer.
I shall finish my life with the pain of loss, but also with as much enthusiasm for my Savior as I can, with new boldness and joy.
I owe this to you my beloved son, and to your new little namesake; but more importantly I owe this to God.
November 20, 2000
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