JOURNAL

January 7 thru February 15, 2001.... 5 entries

January 7, 2001....12:30pm
Hello Journal, I haven't forgotten about you. Just been very busy. The holidays were tough to say the least but they are over for now. I have been told the firsts are worse and then been told the second year is the worst.
I don't know how any can be good from now on. There is a special person missing from my life. And he isn't here to share them with us. So I think they may all be very sad and different for me from now on.... check back ~ baby is crying! :-)
1:30pm...
Okay.. I'm back. See I am busy doing things that helps keep me busy. I still cry.. more now than before it seems. When I rock the baby I sing gospel songs and think of my Josh and talk to the baby telling him about his uncle Josh and I cry. But it is okay to cry.
I miss him so terribly that at times it feels like I may die... but I don't. And I look at my daughter and her new baby and I don't want to leave them yet.
We are going to move soon. I waited for awhile.. it has almost been five months and that doesn't seem possible. I think I have been suspended in time or something. Time has gone on but I have stayed at the place where I found out my son was killed. I just stopped there and it feels weird that it is now January 2001. What happened? I know what it must feel like waking up from a long coma and time has moved on without you.
Well for now I am gonna close ... I do have some interesting things to tell you about my neice that is five years old... Later... she was talking about Joshua. It is pretty cool. Kids are so perseptive and in tune with what is going on around them. We should really consider that when we are living out our lives in front of them.

Januray 11, 2001...7:15am...
We are moving soon. This is the place where Josh grew up so it is hard. I have stayed here for so many years mainly because I was a single mom and it was convenient. Some say "wow you could have owned your own home after all those years of paying rent!", and this may be true. But I was scared. I could not have afforded upkeep or repairs on a home by myself. Here.. all I had to do was call maintanence for anything that went wrong with water heater, furnace, air conditioner.. etc. But I really need a change. I wish I had done it earlier. When Josh was still here. Part of the reason for staying also was because of Josh. This was his "hood" :-) and he didn't have a car and could get around to all his friends easily. And we are right on the city busline also. This neighborhood is predominately black.. and I didn't realize what Josh went through growing up to prove himself. But he had told me it made him who he was.. and a better person. My daughter says the same thing... my children do not have a prejudice bone in their bodies. And I am glad for that.
We are moving into a little house that is owned by a friend and will be closer to my mom. I like that. I need that.
I said I was gonna tell you about my niece.. well.. we were over working in the "new" house and my brother, his wife and kids came by to see it. My neice Hope (five years old) talks constantly LOL and she was talking about many different things when the subject of Josh came up. She told me she thinks of him everyday. And he sees us. She told me she was gonna make a book about him and all the memories she has (and we all have) of him. She walked over to his picture (I took one with me so he could be involved in the process of moving) and said "yep.. that's him and I talk about him all the time!"
I had to fight the tears, she is so precious. I am glad she is gonna remember him. She is very wise for a five year old, isn't she?

I have been having a very hard time. I think of Josh constantly and I feel very restless. I want him back and I know this isn't possible. I do at times feel an overwhelming peace. I know this is from God. (and maybe from Josh too)
But this is so hard and I don't know what to do except keep on keeping on. I have to learn to live with it.
I don't think too far ahead.. I am afraid to. I drive past the cross where he had the accident all the time. I don't know why, I just feel I need to. I haven't been going to the cemetary as much because it is so cold and snowy.
Belonging to an online support group has been of some help. But still, nothing is going to help but time. And I think time is also my enemy. It leads me farther from the date I last saw my son alive. And this scares me.
My mother has Josh's picture and a candle burning beside it daily.. she is having a hard time of it too.
We all miss him so very much!

HIS HEART THEY DID BREAK
They mocked Him and scorned Him,
and crowned Him with thorns.
They struck Him and beat Him,
To this He was born.
They jeered Him and sneered Him, and spat in His face.
They knew not His Holy Grace.
They nailed Him ... assailed Him, His blood they did spill.
They saw not the truth of the Lamb they would kill.
They gibed Him, despised Him, His clothes they did take.
They hurt Him, desert Him, His heart they did break.
They raised Him and praised Him, as King of the Jews.
They knew not that they were the ones who would lose.
They watched Him and gawked Him, and dared Him to live.
They heard Him beseech for their sins to forgive.
He rocked them and shocked them, and the earth did quake.
His Father did not, of His Son forsake.
He died then, and left them, a veil rent in two.
His last thought ... a whisper ..."I did this for you" ...
By Carole Bevan-Irby

January 25, 2001...4:30pm

Hello. Been awhile again but I have been very busy with the moving. We are now staying at the new house. It is an old house but new to me. It has the registers on the floor instead of up by or in the ceiling, and I like that. Reminds me of when I was a kid... I always stood on them in the morning when I was cold.

It is quiet here. And kind of spooky at night. I am used to hearing all kinds of noise. It is really nice. I would go out at night at the apartment to walk the dog or leave my door unlocked (dumb in that neighborhood too) and wasn't scared. Here I am scared LOL. I will get used to it and love it.

I have cried a lot, you would think I would run out of tears eventually! That place held a lot of memories of Josh, Granny and uncle Les. Everywhere I turned I saw them. I felt like I was leaving them... but I am not. They have come with me and they are very glad I moved from there.

I think we may be about to loose Ginger, our pomeranian. She isn't doing well at all. She is 12 years old, she doesn't act like she is in pain so I will not do anything yet. She just can't walk too well.

I have this horrible cough and have had it for a week. I cough so hard I gag and almost vomit. I feel like my ribs are cracked from coughing. My back is better but still hurts some. Guess I am just falling apart :-)...

Well not too much to say right now, been tired from the stress of moving and working and missing my son.Will write more later.

January 27, 2001...11:30am
It is Saturday morning and just thought I'd write a little. It snowed yesterday and it was a slick drive home from work. There was some sleet mixed in with the snow. I drove 4 mph in bumper to bumper traffic. My nerves were pretty frayed by the time I got home. Kept thinking about Josh and how he was safe in the arms of Jesus. It was comforting but sad. I cry for him all the time even though I know he is safe. I miss him. I suppose I will do this for the rest of my life.

I had a real neat dream about him a couple weeks ago. Been just holding onto it. Not saying too much about it. Jack says he believes it was a vision from God. I don't know. I just know I woke up with a smile on my face that stayed all day long. And I felt so comforted.

It was the first night or two in the new place. Josh and I were in a room, the kitchen I think, and he said he felt different. That he felt good. I was trying to tell him he was dead but being a protective mom, I didn't want to scare him. He didn't understand and thought I meant I was dead and so he kept trying to touch me. He said "you are fading and I can't see you..." I reached out to touch him and but couldn't quite reach him. He then focused on me again and then... to the side of us.. there was a brilliant light. With sparkles... and then all of a sudden there was a man with a brilliantly white robe that almost glowed and was real bright to the eyes. I couldn't see his face but I could see he had dark hair and a dark beard close cut to his face. His voice boomed and we fell to our knees and bowed our heads. He said something about sinners repenting and started to reach down for Josh and I started to panic. I said "please no, I want to talk to him.. I haven't had a chance to talk to him!" His hands cupped and he picked Josh up gently, in the palms of his cupped hands. I felt an immediate calm come over me. He lifted him up. And then they were gone. But I felt peace. I awoke with this dream vivid in my mind and a smile crossed my face and I felt such comfort and peace all day. And for a few days after. I even cried and thanked God for this dream.

I have been meaning to write this but just couldn't... I wanted to savor it for awhile I guess. I pray for more of these types of dreams. It was awesome!

It is these types of things that make a person anxious to go on home.

Well gonna go do some things around the house. My oldest son and his dad may come by today to do some wiring. The lights are not working just right in this house. And I just want to make sure it isn't a fire hazard.

Until later!!!!

February 15, 2001.... 6:00pm
Well here it is the middle of Feb. and I haven't been keeping up with my journal very well. I have been so busy with work and watching the baby since Jodi started working. I work all day and then come home and take care of baby Josh all evening. He has been my life saver! What an awesome bundle of joy from God!!
My mom said that every time she kisses Lil' Josh, Big Josh can feel it all the way in Heaven. I believe it too. He has a lot of Josh's expressions and actions. It isn't my imagination either because others see it too.
God's blessing for us.

I turned in the keys to the apartment today. We are officially out of there now. I cried all the way there and back.
I passed Josh's cross at the accident scene on the way there. That started the tears flowing. And then the memories of years in that neighborhood just washed over me like a ton of bricks. It is so hard.
The 12th was 6 months since the accident. It fell on a Monday so actually the Friday before was 6 months since I last saw him. And I really can't still quite believe it is true. But the cross at 34th and EagleCreek says it is so. It is visited often by his friends. There is always some momento placed there by someone. This is a comfort to me.

The deputy assistant prosecutor called me to tell me what they were doing about David. They are gonna offer him a plea bargain. If he pleads guilty then they will offer 2-4 years.
He asked me if I knew David and if he was a friend to Josh. I told him yes and I didn't want to see him in prison and neither would Josh. He told me it isn't up to me but during the sentencing hearing I could speak in his behalf. He said my words would carry a lot of weight to the judge being the mom of the one David killed. I shuddered at the way he put this. I never really thought of it as David killing Josh. But the prosecuter said "well he did." He also said I was a very forgiving woman and was very charitable to not want David in jail. He said not many would feel this way.
I don't know whether to feel guilty or good about how I feel.
I know David is gonna suffer for the rest of his life over this and he didn't mean to hurt me or Josh. It was a poor decision to get behind the wheel of that car. He can blame others all he wants too but the bottom line is.... he could have called someone to come and get them. He could have called me!
The prosecutor also told me David had been arrested before for DUI a few years back but it was dropped. He said David is a very lucky guy that it wasn't on his record as a conviction or he would be facing 6-20 years with no plea bargain being offered to him. He told me too, that it would be up to the judge to either sentence him to do the time or suspend it and be on probation. There are several options that the judge can offer him. There are 2 judges that hear these cases and one is pretty leniant and the other is not.
The prosecutor told me he would keep me updated. He was very nice on the phone but did tell me David broke the law and it was his job to enforce it. They were really cracking down on drinking and driving. They need to crack down on some other things as well.

I will wait to hear from him again although he said I could call him any time if I have questions or just want to know what is going on.
I, in the meantime, need to be working on what I will say to the judge. This isn't going to be easy for me.

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