JOURNAL
February 18, 2001 - March 31, 2001... 6 Entries
February 18, 2001...1:00amBeen a tiring day. Been up since 7:00am and was up several times last night. This cough is just driving me nuts! The baby is so sweet and is my life right now. But I need a day off. I am tired. Jodi is working very hard and I am glad she likes her job but I worry she is gonna miss so much with the baby. And she will regret it later in life. I know she needs to work. I worked. And I played, I know she needs some time to herself. But I wish I could go back and change a lot of things. I would be home more and I would spend every second possible with my babies. Because you just don't know what tomorrow may bring.
I wish I could go back and spend more time with Granny. Could sure store up a bunch more memories. Wishig and hoping... seems like that is all I do these days. I guess we can't go through life fearing what tomorrow will bring our way. It's gonna bring what it brings and trusting God is the only thing we can do. We need to truly rely on Him. I know I fail a lot in this area. I think about Him and pray a lot these days but not prayers like I should. I think they are mostly selfish and I don't mean for them to be. I also feel sometimes that my prayers are so repetitious. I also don't mean for them to be this way either.
I have a lot of growing and learning to do in the Lord.
A LOT! I am so thankful God is gracious and merciful. I am thankful He knows how weak we are and forgives us so readily. We wouldn't have a chance of ever seeing Glory if this were not so.
NONE OF US! NOT A ONE OF US WRETCHED PEOPLE!God is good and holy and merciful to us black hearted sinners.
My brother was at the bar tonight and my sister called for me to give him a ride home. I did. I wish someone had called to have me come for Josh 6 months ago instead of him getting in a car with a drunk driver. More wishing and hoping.
I guess you can tell my mood. It seems to be this way a lot. Especially at night when I am alone with my thoughts. I need to learn to pray like Jesus prayed. Ya know, if He needed to pray like He did; how much more do we need too? And I don't think I know anyone who prays like that.
Well later... tired and want to surf the web a bit.February 20, 2001...5:00am
Good morning.. couldn't sleep so thought I'd write a little in my journal.
The lawyer called and the insurance co. is ready to settle and they are going to pay for Josh's expenses. Big of 'em! There will be a little left over after and I am going to have to talk to his "dad" (humpf!) to come to some sort of "reasonable" settlement with him. I don't even want to discuss this as no amount of money will make up for the loss of my son. I wish there wasn't any left over. Just wanted the bills paid. I also don't feel his "dad" deserves one thing from Josh. He certainly never gave his son anything, not even his time.
I just want my son back.
I cried all day at work. I haven't been feeling well the last month anyway and the stress of all this is just about too much for me to handle.
I am getting very depressed.. and have not been taking the paxil either. I kept forgetting to take it so I just thought maybe it would be best just to stop it altogether. (so I did)
I am just about ready to go job hunting also. I just can't take too much more of Deana. This may not sound very Christian but I think I am hanging in there just to spite her. :-) I have this anger bubbling just beneath the surface and she is going to trigger it's release, I think. I have been very careful not to cry at work but today I just couldn't hold it in and I dared her to say ONE word. She didn't. (I never said she was stupid) Well better try to lay down for a little while. We have a busy day at work.February 21, 2001...10:30pm
Well it is a horrible week. I have cried and cried and can't stop! I have been able to hide it at work up until the last 2 days. I have just not been able to control it. It doesn't help that there is a lot of stress there as well as the stress of the upcoming sentencing hearing for David and the settlement that I feel so guilty about. And now his "dad" said he will get a lawyer if he doesn't get his "share" and he thinks that should be half. There won't be much left after the bills are paid and I just wish there wasn't ANY after the bills are paid.
I have really said some horrible things about Paul today. And I feel like a terrible Christian for that. But he was NEVER there in Josh's life. So what has he lost?
I know he lost the chance to get to know a wonderful young man that was his son. But he doesn't care about that. He is a jerk.
I went to him when Josh was about 16 and asked, no I pleaded for him to be involved in his life and take him golfing or just spend some time with him. He just refused. He was too busy. And he even said some unkind things. I don't like him very much and I need God to help me not to hate him or wish him harm. It isn't right for me to feel this way about him as a Christian. But I am human and I feel he hurt my son by not being there for him. Josh never said anything and didn't have much respect for him. He even said he didn't look at him as a dad. He said his brother was more his dad and his uncle Les was more interested in him.
Now Paul would say it was mine and Granny's fault he didn't have a relationship with him. We were selfish with him. We divorced when Josh was little and he was never denied time with his son. Josh even sat looking out the window many times when Paul was supposed to pick him up and he never showed up. It hurt him as a little boy... but as he got older he just forgot him as much as he could. But I know it had to bother him sometimes.
Paul had a heartattack a few years back and made all kind of promises to spend more time with his kids. But he never did. You know them promises when you think you may be dying or come close... he even admitted it was his fault Josh was having some problems. But how soon he forgot this. And now to think he deserves anything from his death is just disgusting to me. And it isn't about the money. I would give all I own or ever hope to own to have my son back. I just resent Paul. He never helped with anything like clothes or school supplies, never went to his little league games. Nothing. He didn't even pay that much support and was supposed to buy clothes twice a year. He didn't.
I don't regret one dime I spent on my son and would spend thousands more if he were here with me. I just resent Paul, the pig, that claims he is deserving of anything. He was just a sperm doner... guess I should pay him for his sperm. Because I am sure glad he donated and gave me MY beautiful son. Actually God gave him to me. And I had the pleasure of him for 21 years. Paul really missed out on a wonderful gift from God.
Good thing his Heavenly Father is a better Father to Paul than Paul was to his son. He is a very ignorant man.March 17, 2001...2:30 am
Hello... long time since I wrote anything. Haven't had the heart to put my feeligs down. They have been so depressing I just didn't want to write about them.I am back on my anti-depressants. I had to do something... all I did was cry and wanted to curl up in a fetal position and stay there. The only thing that kept me from it was my grandson. He is a jewel!
The prosecutor called to say it will not be long before David's pre-trial. This is to see if he will take the plea bargain or not. And then I guess it will be the sentencing hearing where I have my say. I have no idea what I am going to say either. I just know Josh would not want David in jail. So I will pray about it and maybe God will let Josh have some say in it all. :-)
My daughter has a new boyfriend.. his name is Cory and they were highschool sweeties. He is in the Marines and they e-mail one another all the time. She is going on a trip to see him in April. I worry every time she is out of my sight but I can't keep her tied to my apron strings forever. I'd like too! She has been very understanding with me. She knows how bad I hurt and miss Joshua and the fear I have of losing another child of mine. She has faired well being in mommy prison... she even seemed to need it for herself. She hurts and misses him too.
Everybody asks me how I am doing these days... I just say okay. What do you say?? I don't think they really want to know. I take it moment by moment, not day by day. I have some good moments and some bad ones. Never a totally good day. Just good moments. Like when the baby does something that makes me smile.
Josh is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep and the first thing on my mind before I even have my eyes open in the morning.
Will probably always be this way.
Tonya is scheduled to have her c-section on April 16th. My fourth grandchild. Since her doctor works for the same company as I do, she is allowing me to be in there during the procedure with my son. My son and Tonya seem very happy together. I sure hope this relationship lasts for him. Jimmy has had some heartbreaks with the last two. He is really scared of marriage and I can't say I blame him.
I sure wish Josh had been able to experience love and kids. But I guess God knows best. It wasn't meant to be.
March 24, 2001...12:00am
Been too depressed to even write much. This is such a hard journey... I Shall Meet You ThereSome years ago an evangelist announced that he would speak the following Sunday on "Heaven." It was to be broadcast on radio.
During that week he received a letter from an old man who was very ill. Here is part of that letter.
Next Sunday you are to talk about "Heaven". I am interested in that land because I have held a clear title to a bit of property there for over 55 years. I did not buy it. It was given to me without money and without price. But the donor purchased it for me at a tremendous sacrifice. I am not holding it for speculation since the title is nontransferable. It is not a vacant lot. For more than a half-century I have been sending material out of which the greatest architect and builder of the universe has been building a home for me, which will never need to be repaired because it will suit me perfectly, individually, and will never grow old. Termites can never undermine it's foundation for it rest upon the Rock of Ages. Fire cannot destroy it. Floods cannot wash it away. No locks or bolts will ever be placed upon its doors, for no vicious person can ever enter that land where my dwelling stands, now almost completed and ready for me to enter it and abide in peace eternally without fear of being ejected. There is a valley of deep shadow between the place where I live in California and that to which I shall journey in a very shot time. I cannot reach my home in the City of GOD without passing through the dark valley of shadows. But I am not afraid, because the best friend that I have ever had went through the same valley alone, a long, long time ago and drove away all the gloom. He stuck by me through thick and thin since we first met and became acquainted 55 years ago, and I hold His promise in printed form, never to forsake nor to leave me alone. He will be with me as I walk through the valley of shadows, and I shall not lose my way when He is with me.
I hope to hear your sermon on "Heaven" next Sunday from my home, but I have no assurance that I shall be able to do so. My ticket to heaven has no date marked for the journey, no return coupon and no permit for baggage. Yes, I am ready to go and may not be here while you are talking next Sunday, but I shall meet you there some day.
--Author Unknown--March 31, 2001....1:00 am
Well it has been a week of crazy weather, cold and wintry like one day and warm, sunny and springlike the next. That's March for ya!
Haven't written all week due to moodiness and deep thoughts of Josh's wreck. Got all the reports last Monday. The full police report, ambulance report, ER report and the autopsy.
My baby didn't have a chance. I also got pictures of the car. It was all on his side. I cried, got angry and cried again. Buckets of tears. But I also had some peace that he didn't know what hit. For 7 1/2 months I have imagined it over and over in my mind wondering what he went through. Now I know and will probably spend the rest of my life with a visual of it as I saw it in my minds eye while reading the reports, the diagram of the wreck and how the police think it happened and seeing pictures of the car.
Some couldn't take this kind of thing I know, but I couldn't rest until I saw them. I have resented not seeing him until he was in the funeral home but now I think it is best I didn't. From the description... well all I can say is the funeral home did a good job on him. I know now why they had to have long sleeves and why they were so concerned about people touching him. The funeral director probably called his doctor for some valium before it was over. Mom said I was making him a nervous wreck and now I guess I understand a little. (I did smell alcohol on him I thought once, poor guy) I could have offered him one of my xanax if I had known *smile*
I will try to post some of the reports later. I need to think about it some. Don't want to offend anyone who may read this.
The poem below I got from a webpage that I can't get back into. It had nice music (amazing grace) on it. I copied the words below because the link didn't work.
ON LOAN FROM GODI'll loan you for a little time, a child of Mine," He said.
"For you to love while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three.
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You will have sweet memories of him for solace of your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth returns,
But there are lessons taught down there I'll want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in my search of teachers true,
And from the crowds that throng life''s lanes, I've selected you.
Now will you give him all your love, nor think that labor vain,
Nor hate Me if I come to call and take him back again?"
I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear God, Thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may.
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand."
Author wishes to remain Anonymous
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