JOURNAL

April 11, 2001~May 19, 2001 ~ 11 entries

June 19, 2001...10:00 pm
Hello Journal.. been one of those weeks at work. Back from a weeks vacation on Monday the 9th and had it out with the office manager before the day was over. She has NO people skills whatsoever! And I lost my cool and came very close to giving her one of those hard slaps in the forehead and shouting "demons, in the name of Jesus, I command you to come out!"; but realized before I did it I was just wanting to knock her out, LOL! So Ernest Angely and Benny Hinn, I'll leave that to you, my heart wasn't in the right place at the time ;-P and this tongue of mine needs to be harnessed!

Still haven't gone to court for the sentencing hearing... David's pre-trial has been continued a couple of times. His lawyer didn't show up, so David is still waiting and wondering as I am.
I have had a birthday since I last wrote in my journal... 48 is getting very close to 50! But that's okay. I don't fear old age or death anymore. Haven't for quite some time but even less now. For obvious reasons. My son will be waiting at the gates for me when I get there. I was thinking about death tonight... don't want to leave my daughter and grandson, that's for sure. But the thought of going the next 20 or even 30 years without seeing Josh is scary too.
On the drive home from work I was looking at all the budding trees and the beauty of springtime and a sadness fell over me because I always think of Josh no matter what else I am thinking about. Then I thought "Hey! He is seeing a much more beautiful spring than we are... he is okay!". I miss him though, so much! And it hurts deep down in my soul. When I am not crying, my soul still cries for him.
Gonna close for now.... Love you Josh! Miss you so much. Leaning not on my own understanding as much as I can for the moment.

April 21, 2001....2:30pm
Got me a new granddaughter. Alexis Kay... 19 1/2 in long and 6 lbs 9 oz... coal black hair (head full of it!)... Born last week on April 12, 2001 at 11:14 am. (the Kay is my middle name too!). I now have 4 grandchildren... 3 girls and a boy. The boy is keeping me quite busy since he and his momma live with me. *smile*
Well will have to finish this later "the boy" is wanting to be rocked to sleep. He also has a new tooth that has just sprouted through the gums in the last couple weeks. Been able to feel it for a couple weeks but just now showing pretty good. Be back!

3:10pm
Okay.. I am back now and baby is sleeping. Whew he is a granny's baby today! *laugh*
I had Lexy Kay and baby Josh last night. It was so neat. She is as dark and tiny as he is fair and big! Took a pic of him holding her (with the help of his mommy, of course). There is only 5 months difference in them but he is so much bigger than she is.
Well for goodness sakes... he is crying again! Didn't sleep long! Be back again...

April 22, 2001... 2:15am
*smile* So much for getting right back - baby said no and he rules!
I am exhausted. Josh just wouldn't let me put him down today. I couldn't get out of his sight. Maybe he doesn't feel well. No fever but very restless. Guess babies can have bad days too. He smiled a lot though. As long as I was holding him. Spoiled? Sure he is but he usually will play with his toys and sleep pretty good. He wouldn't sleep unless I was touching him. So needless to say nothing else got done today! *smile*
I have been doing okay for a few days lately but had a crying jag for a little bit today. I was rocking the baby and Joshua's picture was staring at me and baby Joshua was sleeping and his mouth looks so much like his uncle Josh I felt a yearning in my gut for my son so strong I felt so helpless because there is nothing I can do to change the fact he is not here. I miss him more than I can express it here.

The doctor I work for had his first baby Friday. A little girl - 7 lbs ?oz and 22 in. long. Wow she is a long one. His wife ended up with a c-section. My son Joshua was 22 inches long but he weighed 9 lbs 2 oz. Big baby. And beautiful. Did I say I miss him? You wouldn't believe how much! Did I say I love him? You wouldn't believe how much!
My other two children have been wonderful. And they miss him tons. They talk about him to me all the time and this is good. Jimmy says he really misses talking to him. Jodi says it is such a helpless feeling to her that she can't do anything about it and that he isn't here to play with lil' Josh. But sometimes I wonder... the baby will be looking into the air at times like someone is there and he smiles. Angels or Josh or both! *smile*

Well best get to bed. Jodi is going to a friends babyshower in the morning and I may have the baby if she doesn't take him with her. I was supposed to go too but I need to stay home and chill before work Monday. Next week is a busy one at work.

May 8, 2001... 10:00 amGood Morning!
A lot going on in my life since my last post. In my last post I stated it was going to be a busy week at work. LOL Well turns out my week wasn't so busy after all. Quit my job. Deana won this one folks!! And part of it is my big mouth and loose tongue.
I worked Monday thru Wednesday (23rd-25th) and at around 4:00pm on the 25th I was called down to the area manager's office. She calls me sometimes just to come down and take a break with her.. so I didn't think to much of it. She said bring your stuff and you can leave from here. Well the next morning I was supposed to go into the operating room with the doc and had to get some things ready for that. So I told her I'd come down but I needed to do some more things in the office.
I went to her office and she said "After I tell you what I have to tell you, you most likely won't want to go into OR with Doctor." As it turns out... Melissa had a talk with Deana about how she was treating me and the way she talked to me. She told her she was out of line and that I had a compliance issue and could file a complaint with the compliance officer, should I desire to do that. That it was a hostile environment.
Deana proceeded to slam her hand on the desk.. scream and yell... and said she had one too. (my mouth, if I had just kept my tongue under control!) Deana said she wasn't going to go through this and insisted that Melissa call the doctor down there NOW! So I, being totally unaware of what was happening downstairs in Melissa's office was happily working away upstairs.
HOLD ONTO THIS THOUGHT... baby Josh is throwing a hissy fit...be back
4:12 am May 9, 2000
Sorry 'bout that... just now able to get back... now back to the story...
As I was saying Doctor's private line rang and he grabbed the picture of his new baby and said he was going to show it off... and took off out of the office. From what Melissa told me she (Deana) was sitting with her makeup all smeared and laying against the wall sobbing. I just can't picture her crying. She is so cold. Melissa was thinking "Oh my god, what have I started?" Melissa called the corporate office after Deana and Doctor left her office and they just said separate us. They have several offices in that building so she called Doctor back and said well now you have to make a choice and he said he couldn't. He tried to stop the ball from rolling and was told it was out of his hands now, he should have handled it when I first came to him with the problem. Now here is what really chaps my butt... Deana told Melissa wer were very busy the next day and could it wait until the end of the day on Wednesday! And she said yes! So I work the rest of Tuesday and all day Wednesday with everybody knowing this but me! Doctor was in a wierd mood and I just chalked that up to him being a new daddy, but Deana was so sweet to me I thought she had been abducted by aliens or something.
Since the other offices needed a back office clinical person and Doctor really needed a front office person because he could be pretty self-sufficient.. guess who was the one that had to move? Now mind you, I have been there for over 2 years, and Deana only a few short months. I have went throught 3 doctors there, this one being the 3rd one. And I just loved him to death. I loved working with him. But that is how the cookie crumbles. I had said when he came "this is it, not more doctor change. If I ahve to change docs again, it will be in a new company". My manager felt terrible and tried to talk me into going across the hall to the Internal Med docs and I said no but thanks.
So that is how I became unemployed Floyd!
Oh, and when I went back up to the office after my meeting with Melissa, Deana was long gone... pc off and everything. She never leaves that early! Guess she thought there would be trouble LOL. No trouble... Doctor was still there. I didn't say a word just started packing up my stuff. He waited and finally asked me if I wanted to talk. I said no and he asked me if I would talk. I said I'd listen. He really seemed like he felt bad about it all. He also asked me if I would train the person that they may hire for MY position. I told him I wouldn't be there. He said he would give me a great recommendation and is going to give my son a free vasectomy.
It took me this long to get back to the journal because I did have a job interview. I also have another phone message for one that I need to call back on tomorrow... oops.. today now. :-)
I also have my new grandbaby, Alexis until Sunday. Her mom called and said her uncle died and she was going to Michigan with her mother. So now I have TWO bundle of joys to keep me busy for the rest of the week!
Hope to be able to put more in my journal before the week is out, but I am gonna have my hands pretty full!! :-)And I need to be busy... Josh has been in my every thought the last couple of days, he is always in my thoughts every minute but the last couple days it has been weighing on my mind heavy. Too much time to think when not working. I also am upset with the cemetary because they haven't filled in his grave and it is sinking. I have turned in 2 work orders for it to be fixed. Jimmy and Tonya went there with me Saturday with Jim (Jimmy's dad). I hated for Jimmy to see the gravesite sunken in like that. It is the first time he has been there since the day of the funeral. He looked so sad.

May 17, 2001... 1:10 am
Good morning journal. Well last week went well but wore my butt out! Wow! Sunday when she picked her up I barely had time to catch my breath and we had a cookout. It was really nice too. I sure did miss Josh being here. My oldest wasn't here either, he was home recuperating from a minor surgery and my one brother wasn't here either due to a riff between him and my niece. So Josh not being here wasn't as obvious.. I could pretend he was at a friends' house. It has taken me this long to get my brain to workin again. I have had 3 interviews (one was a second interview) and I am pretty much beat! The house is a disaster and needs to be cleaned really bad, didn't have the time or energy last week toting 2 babies LOL. So this weekend I am going to have to get some housework done for sure.
Also on mother's day Jack found Josh's drivers license in a box in the garage from our move. I cried and cried. Just when I got those tears under control... James (Josh's long time friend (and baby Josh's daddy), came by with a mother's day card for me from him and Big Josh. He said Josh helped him pick it out. It was beautiful and was signed by James and Josh. Again I bawled. It was so beautiful.
I went to the cross and decorated it last weekend. A nice lady stopped to tell me she was there that night. She said there were about 20 people standing outside crying. The neighborhood was very upset about the accident she said. And it is still the topic of coversation at times because they have to pass the cross and the people have often wondered how the family was doing. I would really like to get a picture of Josh that is weather proof and put it there for them to see his beautiful face and smile.
The woman and I exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addy's. She seemed genuienly concerned. She is going to try and get me in touch with another lady whose daughter was killed not far from here. I saw this lady on the news not long ago. Her daughter was 18 and was killed by a drunk driver. Maybe I will eventually go to a support group with her. If she calls. My son had been drinking that night but he wasn't driving, his friend was though. I take it she is an advocate for MADD and she may think the circumstances are different and not want to talk to me. But Josh was a good boy. And he never got behind a wheel drinking. And I don't think he ever would... wish he hadn't gotten in a car with someone who had been drinking but I don't think he realized how drunk David was.
You see some Christian's are not too forgiving like Jesus says to be. And they think their sins aren't as bad as other peoples sins. I know Josh was saved and I know he is in Heaven today. Jesus died and rose from the grave to save us from our sinful natures and black hearts. Joshua was struggling with some issues and was praying a lot. And don't we all have our own issues we struggle with. Jesus, Praise His Name, knows us better than we know ourselves. And loves us anyway. He is always there for us. And if we tell Him our problems, He is faithful to forgive and help us. Maybe that is why Josh went home. God saw something worse ahead or saw his struggles hurting him too much. I know I have said this before, but it is something I feel I have to drive home to people. The pharisees were thanking God they weren't like the others, and the sinner with a sincere heart said "God, be merciful to me, a sinner"... that is what Josh was always doing. He was humble and loved Jesus. He was a young man, still trying to figure out life. And what his purpose was here. I think he was maturing quite well too. We were having some pretty good talks the last few months before he left to go Home. (I still have trouble with died... he is alive, just not here. But he did die to leave his body, just hard for me to say it)
I miss him so much and it hurts so bad. It hurts worse as time goes on. I feel so guilty sometimes that I didn't fall apart at the funeral. But I was in shock and denial. It is just now hitting me. Really hitting me. HARD!! People kept expecting me to fall apart at the funeral, but I prayed for peace and others were praying for me as well. LOTS of people. From all over the world. I got e-mails from everywhere. It was totally awesome. A friend sent out my home address and I got cards from people I had only met online. It touched me very deeply. And during it all I don't think I told these people how much it meant to me. To know they cared and were praying for me... basically a complete stranger. Someone they had only sent e-mails to and talked with only a few times online. I just want all to know it helped a great deal just to know they cared and were praying for me and my family.
So don't ever think something you do in a day doesn't mean anything to someone. It may mean everything to them. A smile... or just saying I will pray for you. They may not say anything but it has lasting effects. I will never forget the kindness and love I felt from folks.
Another thing is I never sent out thank you cards. I feel bad about it too. But I was just barely able to function. But time and again I think of the people that came to the funeral home and the faces that pop into my mind that were there. I was in a fog during it all but little things pop up in my mind over and over again. And it gives me a warm cozy feeling inside. Why do you have to thank people by sending cards anyway? A wedding yes but a furneral? They come out of caring for you. They should know how much it means without sending thank you cards to them. I know I don't expect a thank you card for attending a funeral or showing. But I still feel a little guilty for not doing it. I hope people know how much it meant to me and realize the shape I was in and the shape I will be in for a long, long time. I will never be the person I was before August 12, 2000. My life was changed forever more. I have become a different person from that day forward. A grieving mom. A part of me died that day too. Later... getting off here for now.

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