MY DEAR SWEET SON,
I have been sitting here all night on the web (you have seen this before), but this time it is trying to get through the fact that you have left. I am just trying to keep my mind busy so I don't go completely nuts.
It has been 20 days now since they banged on our door at about 3:00 am. Ginger started barking loudly and I don't know how long but when I realized someone was at the door... I thought it was you locked out. Oh how I wish it had been!
I stumbled down the steps yelling hold on (they started banging louder). When I opened the door I saw a man in a suitjacket and a female cop and the police car across the street with the lights flashing. Everything ran through my mind at once. Jail, but they don't come to the door... and I also knew you were 21 now and they wouldn't be coming to get me to come and pick you up.
Of course it happened pretty fast, I mean all the thoughts running through my mind. He asked me if I was your mother and I said yes and he said who he was but I don't think I really caught the fact he said "chaplain". I thought he was a detective. Then he said "we need to come in... we have some bad news." I started to back away from him I think, and said "don't tell me he's dead" more of a statement of fact and in a tone of you had better not tell me that. (in my heart I think I knew but didn't want to believe it)
The man then said "I'm sorry, but... he is."
I think this is when I started screaming "NO!" and kept backing away. I know I was beating on the wall when he made his way into the house and Jodi came rushing down the stairs half crying and saying "mommy what's wrong" . She thought you were hurt real bad or something, but not that you were gone. I think I was saying all kinds of things like "don't let it be true, please God please"
Honey, you knew this was my worst fear because I told you this (it's every mother's fear). And it is out of the order of how things are supposed to be. I know you didn't think it would happen. And I was praying it would never happen. You never think it will really happen to you.
As he and the lady cop made their way in, he was saying it was a single car accident at 34th and Eaglecreek and that you were thrown from the car and this got through my shocked state. (A flash of you being shot or something flew through my head when he first said you were dead). I was feeling very confused and even really thought that maybe I was dreaming. I even looked around at things to try and figure out if I was really awake.
I am still hoping this is all a bad dream.
I know by now you know and understand more than I do about all of this and maybe even the why, but I don't and I am left to wonder, grieve and question God.
At the time of the accident I woke up and was wide awake staring at the clock... and then a peace came over me and I believe I was PUT back to sleep. I truly believe an angel was with me at the same time one (or more than one) was with you. God also knew in just a couple hours I would be jarred out of my sleep for the worst news of my life.
You really have a lot of friends, Josh. Your furneral procession was so long, people we passed must have surely been wondering who you were. Mitchell said he was in the middle of it and couldn't see the beginning or the end of it. I was up front and I know I couldn't see the end of it.
I layed on your bed and cried for a long time last night.. trying to get the feel and smell of you from your pillow and blanket. I walked around smelling a shirt you had on recently all during the days before and during the showing and funeral.
I think you would have been pleased with the way everything was done for you at your services. I wanted it to be perfect so you could be proud of it.
Jodi played your raps and your solo during the showing and at the funeral services. And your uncle Tim did a wonderful job with the sermon.
You had SO many friends there. And of course your family.
Maybe God gives glimpses down here every now and again and you saw. I don't know but maybe. We that are left have so many questions. That will most likely stay unanswered until we get there.
We will be asking WHY for as long as we live I suppose. Why did this have to happen to you?
You always had so many questions about the bible and I always told you "go to Tim and discuss it with him". Now you can go directly to the One who knows all the answers. Face to Face with the Savior. And I am sure by now Granny has hugged you silly!! She has been there almost 11 years in earth time and is probably teaching you the ropes right now. And Les ... well he hasn't been there all that long but ... he probably wants to show you everything he has seen so far. (remember Arizona!)
Josh, I am gonna miss you so very much. My life will never be the same and it hurts worse everyday. I am told things will get better but I don't see how.
I am so glad we talked a few days before this happened about your salvation. That has been my biggest comfort. I know you were struggling with some issues, and asked God not to give up on you, but God NEVER gives up on us (as you now know). He heard your cries for help and could have been saving you from something worse down the road of life. He loves you even more than I do and you know how much I love you. But you know this better than I do now.
I prayed for your safety and for angels to keep watch over you. And as a mother I am thinking I didn't pray hard enough or long enough (and none of us really do). No, God is in control of everything and he allows things to happen that we just don't understand. I don't understand why you had to leave me but I do know I will see you again.
Your friends have been great in trying to help me. They really loved you and will not forget. They keep telling me how smart and talented you were. And now your talent is perfected and your wisdom will grow to heights that on earth we just can't begin to comprehend.
I know you are having an awesome time at this very moment, beyond comprehension to us here. But I miss you, my baby, and will until I see you. I wish God would allow for me to get a glimpse of you; maybe in some way He will.
Sometimes, like right now, I can feel a presence around me. I don't know if it is you, angels or the Holy Spirit, or all three. But I feel it very strong. I know the Holy Spirit is here with me and angels are all around. We talked many times about the spirit world and if we could see what was going on around us it would scare us to death.
I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU! And I will be hurting for a long, long time...
By now you have probably met my sister and your brother. I don't know if I talked much about about my baby sister (I was so young when she was born and she didn't live long enough for me to meet her) or your dad's little baby he lost when he was married to Ruth. But you know them now.
Well honey, I just wanted to let you know I am always going to be thinking of you and will talk with you often. It is going to be a tough journey here without you... but God is able, I am not...and I will see you soon.
LOVING AND MISSING YOU ALWAYS....MOM
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