The Coffee Clutch
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VENTRUE: Okay, guys, sit down. I suppose you're wondering why I've called
you all here.
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TOREADOR: I should think so. I have an engagement in two hours that I
simply MUST attend, and I don't want to be late.
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VENTRUE: Yeah, yeah. Order. Well, I don't know about you guys, but my
Progeny have been asking some rather ... embarassing questions, and I--
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MALKAV: Just tell them that when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very
much--
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VENTRUE: Shut up, Malkav. Anyway, they want to know where we come from,
why, how, the whole bit. I think it's time we had an answer for them.
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[silence]
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BRUJAH: Well, what are you asking us for? WE don't fucking know.
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SAULOT: LANGUAGE!
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BRUJAH: Sorry.
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VENTRUE: What about you, Ralph? You seem to have your nose in everything.
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NOSFERATU: No, I am ... no longer called "Ralph." From this day forward, you
shall call me: "Nosferatu."
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[silence]
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RAVNOS: I dunno, man. Ralph suits you.
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NOSFERATU: No! I REFUSE to be stuck with that name.
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VENTRUE: Leave him alone Ravnos.
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TOREADOR: Actually, while we're on the subject ...
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VENTRUE: What is it now?
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TOREADOR: I have taken the pseudonym "Toreador."
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[more silence]
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HASSAM: You've never even SEEN a bull, let alone fight one, Norman.
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TOREADOR: LEAVE ME ALONE !!!
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RAVNOS: I was gonna say something about "full of ..." Oh, never mind.
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VENTRUE: SHALL we get back to business?
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LASOMBRA: I think "Nosferatu" sounds cool actually, Ralph.
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NOSFERATU: And it's a lot easier to say when you can't retract your fangs.
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VENTRUE: GENTLEMEN!
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[silence]
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VENTRUE: Okay, any ideas?
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TZIMISCE: Uh ...
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VENTRUE: Yes, Tzimisce?
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TZIMISCE: Yas. Do you think it vaz a disease, perrrhaps?
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SAULOT: Nnnnnnno ... I don't think so. I'd know about it by now if it
was.
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MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! I've got an idea!
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VENTRUE: [groan] What?
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MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! We're ALL ... aliens! Yeah! From the planet ...
Yuggoth!
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BRUJAH: Malkav?
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MALKAV: Yeah?
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BRUJAH: Drop dead.
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[silence]
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MALKAV: Ain't it just TOO BAD you don't have Dominate?
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BRUJAH: REAL men don't NEED Dominate!
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[thud]
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MALKAV: Owww!
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RAVNOS: Okay, I've got it.
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VENTRUE: Yes??
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RAVNOS: They're not REALLY vampires, they just THINK they are.
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VENTRUE: Hmmm ... not bad ... but then the dumb ones will try to prove
you wrong by taking a sunbake.
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LASOMBRA: SO? Weeds out the stupid ones, less of a population problem, less
nosey Progeny asking silly questions.
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TOREADOR: Lasombra, you are perverted.
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LASOMBRA: Hey, am I my brother's keeper?
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TZIMISCE: He has a valid point, frrriend.
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TOREADOR: Sickening creatures.
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[snickering]
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SAULOT: Brother's keeper ... hey! That reminds me! You know those
guys who wear the funny tea towels on their heads--
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HASSAM: WATCH it, three-eyes.
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SAULOT: Sorry. Anyway, they have this old story about this one guy who kills
his brother and gets cursed, see ...
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SUTEKH: Cursssed, you sssay? Hmmm ... I like it!
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NOSFERATU: Yeah, but if YOU say it, no-one will believe it.
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TREMERE: I know! We did it by magick!
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[silence]
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BRUJAH: Who the hell are you?
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TREMERE: Oh. Tremere, Arrogant Scheming Mage at your service!
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SAULOT: Hang on, you're not supposed to be here until A.D. 1314!
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TREMERE: So? I'm an Oracle of Time. I'll be when I want.
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VENTRUE: A mortal, eh? Hey, Tremere!
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TREMERE: Yeah?
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VENTRUE: GET OUT.
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TREMERE: Sure. [slam] [muffled] Damn. Must learn how to do that misty thing.
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VENTRUE: Now, we might be onto something with this "curse" business. We
haven't heard from Gangrel yet, and we need a female opinion at this juncture.
What do you think, Gangrel?
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[silence]
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VENTRUE: Gangrel?
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[more silence]
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VENTRUE: Anybody seen Gangrel?
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RAVNOS: Errr, actually, we've had a bit of a disagreement ...
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MALKAV: Awww, doesn't Mummy wuv you any more?
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RAVNOS: Suck off.
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MALKAV: DOES she do it doggy-style?
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[biff]
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RAVNOS: Thank you, Brujah.
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BRUJAH: No prob, bro.
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VENTRUE: Okay, so what gives with this curse thing?
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SAULOT: Well, they say that the first two sons of the first man had to
give offerings to God. The first brother gave plants and stuff, and the second
brother gave animal blood.
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ALL: Yeah! Alright! Sounds great! Cool! Burp!
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SAULOT: So the older one -- Cain, I think -- killed Abel, the younger...
one, and was cursed by God for the very first murder.
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HASSAM: Innovative man, this Cain.
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SUTEKH: Ssso, we're dessscended from a psssychopathic greengrocccer.
How about we're dessscended from the MURDERED one, ssso that we are the
CHOSSSEN of God, the INHERITORSSS of DIVINE POWER, the--
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MALKAV: You REALLY have a God complex, don't you Sutekh? Tell me about
your mother. Did she lock you in a cupboard? Or--
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[whoomp!]
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BRUJAH: Final warning, kook.
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VENTRUE: Sutekh, please, stop standing on your chair.
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TREMERE: I like the "cursed by God" thing, actually.
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VENTRUE: How did YOU get back in here?
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TREMERE: Correspondence. Misty thing. Don't you know ANYTHING? Hey, Saulot!
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SAULOT: Yeah?
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TREMERE: I JUST worked out where I've seen you before. Could I have a
word with you outside? It won't take more than five minutes. Promise.
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SAULOT: Sure. You seem like a decent enough fellow.
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[slam]
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LASOMBRA: Wonder what he wants ... anyway ...
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TOREADOR: I think I prefer the older brother. He's a charming, regal
figure who diligently sacrifices for his Lord, but is consumed by jealousy into a
desperate act -- which he regrets later, of course -- but TOO LATE to avoid the
harsh judgment of an UNCARING God, and is DOOMED to wander the earth,
OUTCAST from his fellow man! Oh, the horror! Oh, the HUMANITY! Oh, the
ANGST!
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BRUJAH: What's an "angst"?
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SUTEKH: Oh, it'sss a kind of a crossss, but with a loopy bit on top.
My guysss love 'em.
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BRUJAH: Oh. [pause] I don't get it ...
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TOREADOR: Philistines.
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[scream from outside]
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TZIMISCE: Vat the hell vas that?
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NOSFERATU: Sounded like Saulot. HEY! YOU GUYS SHUT UP OUT
THERE!
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[door opens]
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TREMERE: Oh, sorry, uhhh ... Saulot says to say that, uhhh, he ... had
to leave -- real quick, like ... uhhh, but he was REAL happy about it, and, uhhh,
he was glad he caught up with you guys again.
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NOSFERATU: Is it me, or does he look kinda pale?
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VENTRUE: Who cares? Getting back to this curse thing ...
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LASOMBRA: So, are we his direct Progeny, then? 'Cos if so, how come we
don't know where he is now?
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MALKAV: Errr, he made us, then ran away. Really fast.
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RAVNOS: No, no, no, he made some OTHER guys first, and then THEY made
US ...
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TOREADOR: And he repented of The Horror He Had Unleashed Upon The
Earth! And banished himself from the sight of ALL!
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MALKAV: AND ran away really fast.
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TOREADOR: If you must.
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VENTRUE: But how come we're all so different?
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TOREADOR: The Curse works in Mysterious Ways ...
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NOSFERATU: Yeah! I used to be the most handsome man in the world ...
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RAVNOS: Yeah, right.
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LASOMBRA: And I had a reflection!
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BRUJAH: Can I have been a philosopher?
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RAVNOS: And Toreador used to have taste ...
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MALKAV: And I used to be insane!
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[silence]
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VENTRUE: I think we might be pushing our luck here.
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SUTEKH: Any BETTER ideasss?
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VENTRUE: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. Magick?
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TREMERE: Damn straight magick....!
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VENTRUE: That's one.
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[silence]
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VENTRUE: Okay, aliens from the planet Yuggoth?
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MALKAV: Twenty-three.
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VENTRUE: Your multiple personalities don't count, Malkav.
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MALKAV: Awww ...
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VENTRUE: The chosen son of God? ... Sutekh, Lasombra, Tzimisce. Any
others?
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HASSAM: Aye.
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VENTRUE: Okay, that's four. Cursed children of a psychopathic green-
grocer? ... That's four, plus myself, five.
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[groans]
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LASOMBRA: Swinging the vote, you black-balling bureaucrat!
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VENTRUE: If you don't like it, go and form your OWN group.
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LASOMBRA: Maybe I will!
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VENTRUE: Okay, then, I charge all of you to disperse this data to your
Progeny, and I'll have MY people send out memos in triplicate to YOUR people
before the start of the next fiscal year. Meeting adjourned! [banging noise, general
muttering and shuffling] Drinks anyone?
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MALKAV: I think Tremere just ate. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh ...
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TZIMISCE: Vy did you throw him out ze window, Brujah?
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BRUJAH: I dunno, man, just something I had to do ... [sulking] none of
you understand me, anyway ...
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HASSAM: [whispered] Hey, Tremere!
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TREMERE: eeeYYuuusssss....???
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HASSAM: Saulot -- you did him in, didn't you? You snuffed him. Sucked him
dry.
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TREMERE: Maybe, maybe not.....clan secret.
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[silence]
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LASOMBRA: Yeah you did you swine!
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TREMERE: [chuckles]
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[silence]
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HASSAM: What's it like?
--
