I would like to introduce myself ...

I knew absolutely nothing of agoraphobia till about 5 yrs ago. I was a perfectly happy 35 yr old .. a wife & mother of 3 teenagers .. I held 3 part time jobs, was a very outgoing party type person .. Loved to go camping or visiting interstate family ..

Then i came down with a virus .. my virus was never identified .. It had me basically bed ridden for 2 weeks ..

After the virus, while still very weak, my husband took me out for coffee. We were at the food hall in a major shopping centre when I had my 1st panic attack ..

That's when my life changed .. I went from someone who was barely at home. To someone who barely left her house ..The next 2 years were a nightmare ..I began having the most horrific attacks ..I was unable to even stand in the doorway to outside without being reduced to a blubbering mess .. my entire body would shake .. my head pounded .. my heart pounded hard & fast .. my clothing became drenched with sweat I would cry uncontrollably .. my thoughts raced -

what is happening to me -
I cant stand here -
I have to hide -
I cant take this -
please please .. make it stop ..

I thought i had gone completely crazy .. my children looked at me with fear & confusion ..my husband didn't know what to think ..I could no longer - work - shop - pay bills - hang the washing out or even answer the front door .. I was a prisoner in my own home - I could NOT GO OUT ..I didn't understand what was happening .. How could I expect anyone else to?

The next couple of years our lives took many turns .. Doc's put me on anti depressants & anti anxiety pills .. They made me worse .. made me bad enough to try take my own life .. I felt I was nothing but a burden to my family .. my illness stopped "family life" as we knew it ..because of me ..because of how i had changed .. because of my illness ..Not long after that I decided to throw away the pills .. go it alone ..forget "professional" help altogether ..

Since then .. with the love & support of family & friends .. I reached a stage where I could control my attacks to a certain degree .. I can hang out the washing - go to parties - even go on short holidays ..

I learnt to identify the early warning signals .. I learnt to control & hide my attacks ..Occasionally one would slip by without me seeing those early warning signals .. I don't go out on my own .. I don't go out a lot .. but it is not impossible for me to go out now ..

I was at a stage where I felt strong enough to maybe set my sights on achieving my goals ..
1) to attend my sons wedding (interstate)
2) to visit interstate friends
3) (the biggie) to visit friends in America.

I had hoped I would be able to make my goals a reality in the not so distant future - Now I am not so sure I have had a few nasty bouts of depression lately. Mostly due to my inability to do simple day to day tasks My husband is a rep. & is away from home a lot leaving me on my own. He usually makes sure I have everything I need before he goes away. There have been a couple of times recently that he either forgot or didn't have time before leaving & left me without milk or something. Petty items I can probably do without .. but .. Knowing I can not simply jump in the car & go shopping ... well .. I reacted pretty bad - Became incredibly depressed The latest being the week just gone. My thoughts began along the lines of Why am i even here - What right do I have to be - I am not a person ..I am simply a weight on my husbands shoulders His life would be so much easier without me. All I wanted to do was curl up in a corner somewhere & fade away .

I have tried asking for Professional help. It seems that Rockhampton does not have any help for me I wanted someone I could simply phone & talk with. Someone to help me through my low points Even the Mental Health section of our local hospital said "sorry we don't do that kind of thing here" I was .. at the time of phoning .. a complete mess Yes I was having suicidal thoughts The best I could get was a family counsellor at Anglicare who only took my call because the receptionist was concerned at how I sounded. That did help (at the time) but there is "nothing" available on a long term basis.

That's me ..my life for the past 5 years.
can it get any worse?
Surely it has to get better

fruity.....21st August 2000

Wow Reading back over what I wrote (fruity shakes her head) I sure was depressed It is now April 2001 I have survived this far well .. ok. .. I have more than survived I have actually achieved 2 of my goals.

Goal 1) to attend my sons wedding (interstate)

The wedding was Feb 24th 2001 I travelled with my husband (17 hours driving each way) We arrived in Sydney a full week before the wedding It wasn't easy .. but I did it My choice of outfit for the wedding had to be changed due to a nervous rash that covered my arms & legs, instead of a short skirt & short sleeved blouse I opted for trousers & a long sleeved blouse. I sure did feel old & unattractive, needless to say, I don't like any of the photo's taken of me .. But I did enjoy being able to be there for my son's wedding. That trip, I also got to meet my grandson, he was 4 months old by then, holding him was wonderful .. definitely proof that I am a grandmother & that something good has come from me being me .

Goal 2) to visit interstate friends.

October 2000 I took a huge step & flew (alone) to Sydney & spent 10 days with my son & his bride to be .. also visited a number of friends I had not seen in years Many times I wanted to simply .. go home but I stuck it out had a number of attacks broke out in that horrid nervous rash I do NOT envisage doing anything of that magnitude in the foreseeable future but I am so glad I did make the trip, I would not trade it for anything.
Not long after the trip in October I did something that I am more proud of most would see it as something smaller, something of less significance but to me ... wow .. a real confidence booster .. a mega milestone the trip to Sydney was good .. but ...getting into the car driving to the shopping centre driving round the car park looking for a place close to the entrance not finding one driving to another shopping centre looking for a parking place & again not finding one then driving to a small corner store .. parking the car .. going into the store selecting what I wanted paying for my things back into the car to head home a stop at Red Rooster (drive thru) to indulge in take away for tea THAT .... really was an achievement I was on a high for about 3 days over being able to do that. I actually did that on my own & didn't panic (too much).

So basically this being an update, I guess we can say fruity has made tremendous progress. that suicidal person that wrote the first section (intro to the group) is long gone hopefully gone for good.

I must say that before finding Agoraphobia Australia, I didn't think I would last in this world. Now .. I believe I can last .. can actually improve the quality of my life. Through this group I have learnt skills that help me ride the roller coaster we call life. The highs are fantastic & actually help me get through the lows The aggie group has been a tremendous support for me a number of times I have felt myself slipping (the lows) each & every time, group members have been there for me.

I can now move about my yard just about any time i feel the urge. I hang out the washing EVERY day I bring in the washing EVERY day. I get the mail EVERY day I occasionally walk down the road to get take away (not far but far enough) I can usually drive about town on my own, so long as I don't have to get out of the car. I can go just about anywhere just about any time "with" my husband occasionally I don't feel up to it so he goes on his own (he understands I do it when I can).

I thank Agoraphobia Australia & Becki (group & site founder) The education, support & friendship from the group has played a huge part in my progress. Without you guys .. I probably wouldn't be here today.

I have come a long way in the 8 months I have been a group member It truly is wonderful & incredibly helpful just knowing you are there, knowing you know what I am going through, knowing you would never belittle my reactions. I thank you you all from the bottom of my heart.

The update continues .. It is now November 2001 A lot has happened both good & bad.

ummm hmmm .. seems I left something major out .. After screaming out for help & being told that this town has absolutely nothing in the way of support or assistance for an aggie I got talking with the mental health worker at anglicare we were going to get a public awareness campaign going our goal was to set up an aggie support network & try get something positive happening for aggies. Well .. we had to put things on hold over Christmas & new year, When I tried to get in touch with the worker after Christmas I was told her position didn't exist anymore & she no longer worked there .. no one was taking over her case load back to the drawing board ? .. nah .. couldn't be bothered why should I care .. seems no one else does life goes on .........

One major happening in my life was the birth of my 2nd grand child. Lachlan was born June 12th 2001 It was not an easy time for me I was one of my daughters support people at the birth From the time we left home till the time I arrived home again 23 hours had passed I spent the entire time with my daughter at the hospital Yes I had a few attacks One doctor even told me I was of no use in the delivery room (he had been told I am an aggie) He suggested I go outside, have a cuppa & get some fresh air. He said that would make me better .. hmmm .. that from a Doctor to an aggie I sat & had a drink from my water bottle, allowed the attack to pass then was back by my daughter's side. I was there for my daughter, I was not going to let my attacks keep me from being there, I did make it through the entire process.

Then July .. Hubby accepts a new job in another town (3 hours drive away) We have to move .. gasp .. panic .. horror. While packing .. Hubby out of town ..I became ill, so ill that mid afternoon I dragged myself to the hospital, I figured they would say .. you have a nasty case of the flu ..give me a prescription & send me on my way. NOPE. I was admitted to hospital there & then with pneumonia. Hubby was on his way home & unreachable .. he arrived back in town about 9 at night to be told where I was.

That night I had a number of coughing fits, oxygen didn't seem to be helping too much so they gave me a particular popular medication .. big mistake that sent me straight into major panic the nurses called for a doc .. that doc called for another doc, together they felt I probably should be in the Intensive Care Unit soooo they called in the ICU doc .. he agreed .. off i go to ICU. I remember going there in the early hours of the morning, then what I was sure was a little after lunch that day I was moved back to the ward. nope .. apparently I was in ICU for more than 24 hours .. nurses said 2 days anyway .. The staff were very supportive they kept complimenting me on how well I was handling being there yeah .. I knew I was not going anywhere so I kinda kept my attacks to myself eventually they allowed me to leave on the proviso I promised I would play no more than a supervisory role with the move .. Hubby didn't allow me to do much at all.

We arrived in the new town in the last week of July, still weak, hubby still refused to allow me to do much unpacking was very slow, but we got here.

It took me about 3 months to convince myself it was time to start walking again. I am glad I did. I found that we live only 3 blocks from the local neighbourhood centre. After the disappointment in Rocky .. well I didn't know if I should try seek assistance etc here in the new town or not.

On one of my walks I decided to go into the neighbourhood centre & introduce myself. The staff were more than welcoming & wanted to know all about me, we talked for what seemed like hours (was probably about 30 min) they made a few phone calls & we have actually got things started.

A worker from St Vincents called me a couple of days ago to see how they can help. She was shocked to learn that Rocky has no programme's in place for aggies We talked .. she made a few suggestions then said leave it with me, Ill talk with a few people & see what we can get organised. I am expecting her to call again anytime now, She seemed to think they may be able to organise someone to come & help me on my walks She said our goal would be to get me back into the community so I could get to work on trying to set up some kind of aggie support system. I really am glad I did decide to give this town a chance, I almost didn't, I was sure they would be the same as Rocky.

Anyway .. that's where I am now, walking 3 blocks every day, I go into the neighbourhood centre & have a cuppa, I am going to be helping with their "Linking Arms Appeal" for Christmas. Eventually I hope to be a regular volunteer at the centre.

I am on one of lifes upward roads, things are looking much brighter. I do think the move to a smaller town has been & will continue to be good for me, even the doc here has an understanding of agoraphobia ;)

November 2 2001
-=HuGgLeS=-
fruity