It all started when I was 17 years old. I had just commenced a course at College. I didn't know what was going on, all I knew was that I had to leave So I would ring my dad up to come and pick me up. As soon as I was in the car on the way home I would feel better. This lasted for about 3 months. I was able to get to the College by myself, but sure enough, as soon as I got there, I had to leave. I managed to complete the College course without a problem after that.

It wasn't until 2 years later that IT happened again. I was walking out into a paddock to get my horse then out of no-where I started to feel very hot, disorientated and I was not able to breathe properly. I remember it was like walking on a treadmill and the more I walked the further my horse seemed to get. I remember reaching her and I held on to her neck all the way back to the car. I was asked by a number of people if I was ok because I was as white as a ghost. All I wanted to do was go home. I spent the rest of the day in bed, wondering what on earth happened. I went to see a doctor the following day and he said that I had a virus, so believing that I went on living my life.

Unfortunately, from that day things seemed to get worse for me as I got very ill and I was admitted to hospital. At the same time my mother was diagnosed with cancer (thank god she is with me today). My father was taking care of both of us and I felt a lot of guilt because I was not able to help care for her. That whole year was terrible. I had to sleep with my mother at night, but during the day I had to spend it in my room. People where saying things to me like "get a grip on yourself, just get out of bed and do something you will feel better". All I could think about was "how can I feel better when I know that there is something seriously wrong with me?"

I lost count of the number of doctors that I saw and everyone of them gave me a clean bill of health, which made me feel even worse as I knew that there was something seriously wrong with me. It was about 10 months later that I saw a doctor who told me that I was suffering which panic attacks. He was the first one. God! The first thing I thought of was "what on earth are panic attacks?" He referred me to see a specialist who said I had agoraphobia. Thinking back now, I don't believe that I was suffering from agoraphobia, I was suffering with severe panic attacks. Still, after seeing him things got better and I seemed to get back to normal.

It wasn't until 3 years later that IT reared its head again. I was going through another stressful period in my life emotionally and physically. I had injured my back and my marriage was on the rocks. I had to deal with two legal cases one for my divorce and the other for my injury. It was a very stressful period in my life as I was dealing with solicitors and doctors. Looking backing now, I think I dealt with the whole situation well, but little did I know that I would suffer terribly in the long term.

Within a year IT came back again, but this time I think my mind and body had enough. That's when I became house bound. After searching endlessly for help I managed to find a wonderful counsellor (Teresa) who helped me. She spent many hours with me in my home until I was able to drive to her house. I will never forget that day I had my trusty phone with me and I think I called her about 10 times yelling and abusing her. (I'm not like that normally *smile) When I got to her house I gave her the biggest hug and I think I squashed her *smile She spent many hours and days with me taking me places like shopping, restaurants and even went to the degree of taking me on a holiday down the beach. It was a nightmare getting there, and I remember feeling really ill the next day, but when the day came to go home I didn't want to leave!

After a year of working with her I gained a lot of control back. Even though I still avoided large shopping centres, I managed quite well. I knew that she was always there for me if I ever needed her, which I did. I managed to get a couple of part time jobs and managed to enjoy life a lot more. That continued for about a year, until IT happened again. Unfortunately my car broke down and I was not able to get out and about as much as I wanted to. This meant that I slowly, started to rely on more and more people for help with every day things. Even though I was not able to do things on my own and I was very limited as to where I went, I was still fairly happy.

Unfortunately my counsellor (Teresa) moved to London, so I was not able to rely on her for help. Yet again my journey for help commenced, I saw that many doctors and all they wanted to do was prescribe medication and I am not a believer in medication. After about a year of trying to find help I started to feel worse about myself. I suppose I was lucky in a way as I live on my own and I had to get out of bed to do things like fed my animals and myself. Otherwise I wouldn't have moved. I would have been happy sleeping, as the more I slept the less time I would feel as if I was worth nothing.

By this stage I had to rely on everybody for everything.I found that I was getting more frustrated and more depressed as time would go by. I would get so depressed over the smallest things, like not being able to go to the shop and buy milk when I ran out. I sometimes had to manage with the bare essentials as I had no one to go to the shop for me. At times I did not want to ask people as I did not want to bother them. I thought many times about ending my life as I would see my friends going out and having a good time when they came over and told me what they did I know that they were not trying to hurt me, but I felt like I was slowly dying inside. You could say that I was loosing myself. I found that I could not even watch television because I would see something and wished that I could do it and I would end up crying. I wish that I could express my full emotions and feelings during this time. I have kept a journal for many years but unfortunately I am unable to send everyone a copy.

It was hard for me as for many years my life was a lie. I did not tell anyone about my problem except my boyfriend who was trying to support me the best way he knew how. Even that was hard because I would get very angry with him for no reason at all. We would get into huge arguments over things, but what I was trying to do was just release some anger and frustration.

It wasn't until about 6 years ago that I came out of the closet (so to speak) and I told my family and friends which took a lot off pressure of me. My life since then has been a huge roller coaster trying to cope as best as I could. The only place I could just manage to go to was my mums and to my horses and even that was a huge effort. I became an expert in arranging things over the phone so it would take less pressure of my boyfriend (technology don't we love it *smile*). It wasn't until 6 months ago that I managed to get the strength in me to say to myself that I don't need certain people in my life as I found that they were dragging me down and not helping me. I think that was one of the most difficult decisions that I have made. My life became very lonely.

I decided that there had to be someone out there that could help me recover from this, but it seemed the more people I called the more I got rejected which made me feel as if I was totally alone. Agencies that I called for help all seemed to say the same thing. They have not got the funds to help people like me, or I did not fit into their criteria. I was on the verge of giving up. I had become totally house bound I could not get to Mum and Dads anymore. I was also missing the horses like crazy as I had not seen them at this stage in 6 weeks. They mean the world to me and they gave me a reason to go out. I got on the computer and after many months of searching I found S.W.A.G, and I could not believe that they were in Australia. Fay gave me Becki's email address and that is when it all turned around for me. Since I have met the group I don't feel as alone as I used to and I am getting the support to try and confront my fears. I really cannot express my feelings towards the group as at one stage I really wished that I would not wake up in the morning so I would not have to go through the pain. Having the support of my boyfriend has really helped and we have got a lot better at communicating with each other rather than fighting about things.

Even though I am new in the group I get out of bed in the morning and try to do something no matter what it is. In the last week I have managed to drive around the block as a passenger and am feeling a little more comfortable with myself and the outside world, I know I have got a long way to go but knowing that I have people there who know exactly how I feel is making things so much easier for me. I can express myself and I know that the group understands exactly what I mean. I wish I could express my thoughts in words but all that I could possibly say is how much I treasure everyone in the group.

ALL MY LOVE *smile*
Lina