I grew up in a very solid, but very strict family of 4. My Father was the absolute ' sunshine ' in my life. When I turned 16, in 1980, Dad suffered his 2nd Psychotic Breakdown. That was also the year I was doing Matriculation, Year 12, in High School. What I experienced before Dad was hospitalised, traumatised me very deeply. I failed Matriculation, and after Dad eventually came home from hospital, I was a very changed personality. I could not look at my Father, and I refused to even speak to him at home for the next 12 months, except to spew hate and abuse at him.

The next year, I decided to try and repeat Matriculation again, but in the March of that year, 1981, my Grandfather died ( Dad's Father ). I was extremely tense and worried as to how Dad would cope with his Father's death, and whether it would send him into another breakdown.

I could not settle down, and again, I failed that year as a result. I felt I had wasted two very important years of schooling.

About 6 months later, I began to experience severe stomach cramps every now and then, but dismissed them. Later, I started getting shocking headaches and a stiff aching neck, and shoulder muscles. Again, I dismissed it, and considered it to be part of the secretarial/typing work I was doing. Eventually, I could no longer drive to work - I couldn't hold my head up properly, and kept ' lurching forward ' while trying to drive. Thus, began the round of doctors, tests, tranquillisers, etc..... I had become a ' lab rat '.

I was married just before the age of 21, and took a holiday to Perth, Western Australia. I was pregnant at the time. On the flight home, I experienced my 3rd and worst-ever Panic Attack. I've had a fear of heights for as long as I've known, and the pilot had just announced that we were flying at a height of 35,000 feet. Well, suddenly, I came over all hot, felt very faint, and physically, I felt as though the plane was ' dropping ' out of the sky. It felt as though it was ' free-falling ' with me on it. I grabbed my husband's arm and the top of the seat in front of me, and screamed " the plane's falling, the plane's falling!!" I was terrified beyond belief, and felt very, very faint and shook uncontrollably. Somehow I got through it until the plane landed in Adelaide. I was so glad to get off that plane, and to this day, I haven't been back on one since. As a result of that experience, I went through an 11 hour miscarriage in absolute agony, and ended up in hospital for an emergency curette the next morning.

I went on to later have my daughter, then a second miscarriage, and finally my son during the next few years. Ten days after my son was born, my Grandma died. The next year, my Grandpa died. Around the time my son was born, my Mum took ill, and died tragically 17 months later in Intensive Care from an extremely rare blood-clotting disorder which caused total organ failure. 1-1/2 years after Mum's death, Dad was diagnosed with Terminal Bowel Cancer. It was the Mother's Day weekend that we were told of this news. Dad lost his battle with Cancer 4 months later. I managed to get to his funeral, only 5 minutes drive away from my home, but felt absolutely awful due to the grief and anxiety. I managed to help with his funeral arrangements afterwards, but from then onwards, I became completely housebound. This was in 1994. During these past 3 years, I had been wrongly diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Out of absolute desperation, I rang my local Community Health Centre asking for help and information about Panic Attacks / Agoraphobia. A psychologist who was there at that time, came out to see me. I was experiencing approx 4 - 5 major panic attacks per day at that time, and was in a constant state of being ' off-balance ' like vertigo, due to the extreme levels of anxiety. One year of Graded Exposure began, however by the end of that year, I was totally frustrated and experienced Major Depression as a result. I was very suicidal. I was then assessed by a medical team and offered the chance to try out the new drug Aropax. For me, it was a last resort. If it didn't work, I would have committed suicide.

I'm happy to say, it did work, and I'm here today because of it. I was put in contact with Becki through Fay Coop at S.W.A.G., and Becki later asked if I would be interested in helping her with her ideas for an on-line Agoraphobia Support Group - So, here I am. Since this time, I have experienced the deaths of my Grandmother, and My Uncle, and my marriage has broken up - something I initiated. I have gained the tools to cope and deal with the grief in these situations through experiencing panic / ag., and learning the valuable life-lessons that go with recovery. I am finally, for the very first time in my life, living the life that ' I ' want to live, not the life that others ' expect ' me to live, and for the first time ever, I am at peace with myself, and happy.

Verity Pollard
Adelaide - South Australia
4th August 2000