Im scared of the way my feelings are always at such extremes. The way I cant remember what being content feels like. Im not saying that im severely depressed or anything, although sometimes it might seem that way. It's just that I go from really happy, to incredible lonely. It's so frustrating not being able to understand what's going on in my own head. I mean, it's my head. No wonder he's not with me...if I cant even understand myself, how could I expect anyone else to be able to? Sometimes when I get like this, I just go to sleep. Because at least in dreams, things are supposed to be fucked up. Mostly I'll just get tired of thinking so much and running myself in these pointless circles, that I find sleep as a savior. Something away from here and away from these thoughts. These thoughts that only occur when im by myself for long periods of time, or short periods of time for that matter.

The colors. God, there are so many colors that I couldn't even begin to name. They make me dizzy just thinking about them. Im so sick and tired of trying know what im thinking. I've thought so much that it hurts...physically hurts. All I know is that when he was here, it didn't hurt so much. When he was here, I didn't think about these things. That's all I know now. There's nothing else. No right's, no wrongs...no colors...just him. And even though thinking about him just gives me more pain, its a sweeter kind of pain. So I'll cling to his image a little longer, until something happens to change my world. Im kind of looking forward to it. As for the time being, I think I'll go to bed."