ely siriar, el sila

Date: 1/1/03
Time: 2:20 am
Mood: Extremely PISSED OFF and bloody depressed

I'm sorry. I should have lots of good news right now to share, lots of things about LOTR: TTT to gush about. But after what just happened, I just need a bloody place to vent. So prepare for a rant. Actually you know what? I don't bloody care right now. Read the fucking thing, it's your own bloody fault if you get offended or scared. I don't CARE after what just happened here!!

Ever know what it's like to be living a lie? To know something you once knew as truth was simply a facade to hide the darkness beneath? Deep darkness, a pit of hate and lies, deceit and anger. I know now. I know.

Now, does anyone KNOW why I am devoutly against drinking? It's my fucking family, that's why. Yes, my FUCKING FAMILY. I blame them, I hold many of them beneath the titles of disgust and disapproval so often, that any fond emotion I may show is a shock to me. Drunkards, obsessed and extremely far-gone the limits of help, alcoholics.

Not all of them, I know. Some have seen the wrongs in their ways, some have turned back. But far too few against far too many are not good odds. I can't take the criticism anymore, I hate it. I hate dealing that same cynical opinion about them. I hate everything.

Why can't they FUCKING LEARN!?

Always on the holidays, always on the days that mean something. The fighting won't stop, the drinking doesn't help. My mother's capacity for alcohol isn't very high, my father's temper when she's like that isn't very long.

*rubs temples* I just want it all to stop. I don't want my mother lying on the floor of her bedroom, crying. I don't want my father on the couch of our livingroom, angry. I don't want that! I want what this family has when the alcohol isn't there, when there isn't money to worry about. I want that happiness, that comforting peace, that phase where everything just IS.

Not this. Because now I've been made a liar. I once said that I had that happy home life. That it was normal. But it isn't!!!!!! No, it's not. I listened to my voice as I confronted my father. The accusation in that tone, I hated it. "What's wrong with her? Why is she asking for an ambulance?" Just the blame I placed on him in those two sentences, and I hated it. And the pity in my voice as I tried to help my mother. "Get up. Please, just -try- to move your head. Mama?" And I can't do a damn thing. I didn't call the fucking ambulance on my mother's orders. Why? Because then my dad would get charged. And I couldn't handle that. I couldn't!!! Why the fucking hell was I born first? Why the BLOODY HELL do I have to deal with everything my father does and my mother says?

And I STILL DON'T BLOODY CARE WHAT YOU THINK!!!!

......

I'm upset right now, the urge to cry is coming on strong, and I don't cry. Ever.

Ever.

I won't break.

And I'm sorry. I'm just so fucking sorry. I'm angry, I'm furious. I'm ignoring pleas from Aven, pleas to help. I'm turning even HIM away, and I CAN'T do that to him! He's always been there, for the past two years he's been there when no one else was. And I'm ignoring him.

And it hurts. Everything freaking hurts right now. I can't... I just can't.

I'm done. I'm sorry. I still don't care, but I'm sorry. Don't worry about me, I'm not an idiot, just ... confused right now.

~Middy

Date: 12/19/02
Time: 1:45 am
Mood: ANTSY!! @_@

*SCREAMS* ^_^ LOTR:TTT Came out today! Er...*looks at time* I mean...YESTERDAY! ^_^ I can't see it till Saturday....*GROWL*. You know WHY? I origninally was supposed to have yesterday and today OFF, but my boss in a freaky chance of events (In my mind, I swear she KNEW I'd been looking forward to this day all YEAR and plotted against me) she changed the schedule. WHY Dawn!? WHY?! *sob sob* -_- ;_;

I now have to wait an extra THREE DAYS! ....*sighs* Ah well. I'll see it enough anyways. ^_^ I be seeing it with Heather from work, my buddy buddy Candice, my sister, my friend 'little man' Kiran. ^_^ Probably take my cousins Caitlin and Jordan when and if they come into town. Took them last year. @_@ Had to sneak them in cuz I wasn't 18 yet. ^_^ God that was freakishly SCARY. Have any idea what it's like, when a goody-two shoes like ME sneaks two kids AND herself into a theatre!? ...Needless to say I was in a nervous sweat all the way to Rivendell. Finally relaxed when Legolas jumped off horse and gave Rivendell a good once over. *laughs* ^_^ ...@_@ Hoy. I've snuck into theatres before, but I've always PAID for THAT movie, and got in because of luck and them not checking ID's. This was totally different. I bought tickets to see Jimmy Neutron, walked by LOTR, and SHOVED my two cousins in there. Needless to say, they were confused as HELL and were trying to leave. But I was adamant, dammit. ^_^ I needed my elves. lol.

^_^ It's really all I can think about. Though, I DID redo the layout to my webpage. Take a look-see! ^_^ I proud of that! ....Sad yes, I know. ^_^ But dhtml codes tick me off, and when I can finally figure one OUT, let ALONE interlace it with an image map....can you say happy dance? ^_^ lol.

In other news...What is with me and the insomnia here? I swear to GOD if I get more than 3 hours sleep a day it'll be a miracle. I normally fall asleep around...9-10 AM, wake up at noon. O.o Is not healthy. Nope nope. Though, was strange. After three days of NO sleep at ALL, I fell asleep, didn't wake up till 2:05 pm. .... Do you know what time I start work every day? Yep, you guessed it. 2pm. ....Not a good day that one. @_@

Blargh, in anycase...I need to get some drawing done for FWW. @_@ Runacron's sword is driving me NUTS. lol. I had it all figured out, but I LOST THE DAMN SKETCH!!! >_< *beats self over head* And unless I find it, I'm gonna have to start ANEW, and it's totally not gonna be as good as it should be. :( Stara's prize is easier, though. Really Kawaii. lol. ^_^ Anyhoos, I'm off.

~Middy

Date: 11/15/02
Time: 4:50 am
Mood: *scribble scribble* Must...write...@_@

*SCREAMS* GUESS WHAT!?!? *jumps up and down excitedly with fangirl grin on face* I have the extended DVD version of LOTR Gift Set!!!! And I got to hear Legolas talk Elvish, and Aragorn sing the Lay of Luthien, and Merry and Pippin and Frodo sing a drinking song in the Green Dragon, and Celeborn has oodles of new lines, and Galadriel smiled, and Gimli insulted Haldir & co. in Dwarvish and and....*blinks* Whoops. Forgot y'all aren't as obsessed as I am. ^_^ *scratches head* Well, some of you might be. But anyways, guess what came in said Gift Set??

Argonath Bookends, Three trading cards (Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli...yes, I have LEGOLAS on a TRADING card...it's a holographic too...shiny ^_^), Two "making of" videos, and National Geographic's "Making of" video, Hobbit sized LOTR magazine *snicker*, and a ticket to see TTT!!! @_@

Ok, so I haven't seen said ticket yet, must have missed it in the excitement over the shiny Legolas card. *grin* But I'm looking for it. lol.

Anyhoo. Added new Avarin drawing in the art section. And there's new work up in the fiction area. Just me finally being able to write here. ^_^

~Middy

Date: 11/13/02
Time: 5:31 pm
Mood: *giggle* ^_^

Bwahah! I have no idea why I'm updating my journal, I have nothing to say!! *goes around, hugging viewers* ^_^

Ooh ooh! Go here! *nod nod* ^_^ Much fun to be had!

Toodles!
~Middy

Date: 11/12/02
Time: 4:31 am
Mood: *blinky* @_@

Ohhh...kay. lol. Forgot the date on my last update. Wow. Well, the mystery update shall hereby forever known as just that. The mystery update. ^_^

In other news...My birthday was two days ago!!! ^_^ *dances* Yeah, I know, kinda late. But come ON peoples, I'm 18! Celebrate! *passes around random bishies* Yes. Not alchohol..BISHIES. Ya know why? They are FAR more intoxicating. Bwahahah.

*coughs* Yes. ^_^ Finally got off my ass to make a semi-decent-non-killing layout for the main site. You won't die when you look at it now! Isn't that great?! God, the number of deaths caused by previous layouts was getting out of hand. Sorry 'bout that. ^.~

Aaaannd...*grin* yeah. Go see 8 mile. Damn good show, damn good music, damn good acting. I give it 10 out of 5 stars. What? Don't look at me like that! I know, I know, I wasn't all that crazy about Eminem before, but his new song "Lose Yourself" just changed all that. I'm in LOVE with that song dammit! Oh, and just to calm all your fears, LOTR got 25 out of 5, so I'm still me. No big changes. ^_^

And last major news: I have...get this, my own LEGOLAS doll!!! @_@

Random fangirls: *swoon*

Yes, yes! I now own Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, Lord of Ithilien, Son of Thranduil. Bwahaha. Goes very nicely with Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Isildur's Heir, King of Gondor, Strider Doll. ^.~ What...slashy thoughts? ME?! ...Of course silly! Pfft. You doubted me? *cough* I can say Legolas and Aragorn sleep together and not be accused of lying now!! *insane laugh* Yes...I am insane. So? ^_^

~Middy (the adult!!!)

Time: 3:18 am
Mood: ...Meh? -_-

Weeell, got that job I had the interview for. Making coffee fuuuuuuuunn. But not when you work with people who hate eachother and you're caught in the middle of it!! Blargh. Anyhoo.

Have finally received scanner! WOOGITY and whatnot. ^_^ Still figuring things out, but for now, here are some of my sketches:
Lara Croft
Malithil
Aowae

And that is all for my bad artness. Enjoy!

~Middy

Date: 9/26/02
Time: 1:10 am
Mood: Blargh...*mumble*

*sniffle* Ya know...catching a cold is not fun, peeps. I have a nagging suspicion this is a result of my lack of sleep lately. Always knew I'd drive myself into sickness from not taking care of myself. I got no sleep last night, then had three hours when mother dearest shoved me into my room and demanded I sleep. *grumbles* I missed Yu-Gi-Oh and DBZ.

What is new with me, you ask? Oh, I got an interview for a job. Whoot! Yessir, Friday at 10am! ^_~ Where? *cough* Tim Horton's. >_< It's a job, dammit!

Have lately been listening to mucho Enya and Clannad music. Very beautiful that. Helping with the writer's block,