Premarital Virginity and Adjustment

        Premarital virginity in males over the age of 20 is often a reflection
of severe love-shyness and of interpersonal skill deficits. And this is
exactly what sociologist Mirra Komarovsky found in her sample of
Columbia University men. For example, she found that fully 77 percent
of the virginal university men fell below the 50th percentile on national
self-confidence norms. In contrast, this was true for only 34 percent of the
sexually experienced men. Fully 78 percent of her non-virginal men
scored above the 50th percentile (national norms) on leadership capacity,
compared to only 47 percent of the virgins. On sociability 71 percent of
the sexually experienced men scored above the 50th percentile on national
norms, compared to only 27 percent of the virginal men. And on self-
acceptance only a mere 2 percent of her non-virginal Columbia University
men scored below the 50th percentile on national norms. In stark con-
trast, fully 47 percent of the virginal men scored below the 50th percentlie
on self-acceptance.
      Now to be sure, premarital sex (monogamous or promiscuous) does
not cause a person to become self-confident, self-accepting, sociable, etc.
The cause of these findings rests upon the goodness of fit between (1) a
person's behavior, and (2) how that person thinks and feels about his/
her behavior. For example, twenty-five years ago most studies showed
a negative relationship for single women between non-virginity and self-
esteem. In other words, the sexually experienced ones usually did not
think as highly of themselves as did those who had managed to preserve
their virginity. Today, on the other hand, most studies are showing that
for single women as well as men (beyond the age of 19), there is a positive
relationship between monogamous premarital sexual experience and
level of self-esteem. This positive relationship is usually found to be a
good deal stronger for single males than for single females--because
sexual experience is usually a good deal more important to the emotional
needs and to the value systems of single men than it is to single women.
However, the statistical association between self-esteem and sexual
experience has become positive nowadays for both genders.
      Parenthetically, young women (and even men) who are very casual
and "loose" in their premarital sexual activity usually have poorer self-
images than those whose premarital sex is kept monogamous and faith-
ful. In other words, monogamous, loving, contraceptively protected pre-
marital sexual activity is usually found in today's research studies to be
associated with the most favorable results as far as self-esteem in both
sexes is concerned. However, even the more promiscuous young men
have usually been found to enjoy higher overall levels of self-esteem
than young men who remain quite socially inactive (as well as virginal)
as far as informal man/woman interaction is concerned.
      I think the major reason for these findings is that virtually all
heterosexually oriented young men want to have someone of the oppo-
site sex to love. Those young men who continue much beyond the age
of 20 shy of this goal (which is important to them from the standpoint
of their own stated values and goals) are bound to develop increasingly
poorer self-images and increasingly lower levels of self-esteem. Pre-
marital sexmaking itself is of considerably less importance than it is
commonly made out to be. I have become convinced that premarital
sexmaking (including coitus) is a natural byproduct and concomitant of
being enmeshed in the right man/woman love relationship. Hence, those
without premarital coital experience are less likely than people with such
experience to have ever savored the joy of being involved in what for
a time at least had been "the right relationship".
     I fully realize that there are young men and women "out there"
whose value systems prohibit premarital sexual activity. This compar-
atively small minority of young people will be able to sustain strong,
healthy self-images without premarital sex if and only if they too manage
to experience the joy of being involved in what for them is "the right man/woman
relationship". In short, the sense of personal freedom (non-shyness) nec-
essary for obtaining a love relationship is every bit as important to the
emotional well-being of religiously conservative young people as it is to
that of religiously more moderate to liberal ones. The latter will incor-
porate premarital sex into their love relationships; the former will be less
likely to do so. However, both types of young people (especially males)
need to be able to relax and to enjoy informal, friendly interaction with
the opposite sex.