Why this book?

	Shy people tend to be very quiet.  This is why they are often 
labeled "wall-flowers".  And it represents a key reasons why they have 
been accorded very little attention by research scholars, by popular 
journalists, and by people in general.  Shy people are simply not 
noticed, and this fact applies as much to the love-shy as it does to any
other kind of shy person.
	Up to now only one popular, research-based account has been 
published on shyness.  And this was Philip Zimbardo's(1977) book titled
SHYNESS: WHAT IT IS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.  Dr. Zimbardo's book 
remains worth reading.  However, its usefulness is severely limited by
four basic shortcomings.

(1) General Shyness

	First, Zimbardo's work dealt with generic shyness. Further, he 
dealt with shyness in a very general kind of way, painting a picture of
 the problem for us in very broad strokes.  As I pointed out in the 
preceding section, love-shyness is the most emotionally debilitating and
painful of all the different forms of shyness.  And because of the 
requirement in male/female situations that the male partner must always
be the one to make the first move (1) in initiating social contacts, 
(2) in the risk-taking of asking for first dates, and (3) in initiating 
physical expressions of affection, I determined that love-shyness is a
problem that is suffered primarily and almost exclusively by the male 
sex.  After many years of studying the shyness problems of women, it 
became clear to me that love-shyness was very seldom among them, and 
that it would be most fruitful to focus upon love-shyness in the male 
sex only.  
	Hence, this book focuses entirely and exclusively upon 
love-shyness, and it deals exclusively with male victims of the problem.  
Throughout all the pages of his book Dr. Zimbardo scarcely even mentions 
shyness in informal male/female situations.  Hence, his book would have 
to be considered of very limited value from the standpoint of the needs 
of those with an interest in this most life-debilitating of all forms 
of shyness.

(2) Sampling

	Dr. Zimbardo simply asked each of his respondents: "Do you 
consider yourself to be a shy person?"  And slightly better than 40 
percent of his respondents said "yes", whereas the other 60 percent 
said "no".  And in looking for the causal antecedents of the shyness 
problem he simply compared the social and family backgrounds of the "shy"
40 percent with those of the "non-shy" 60 percent.  Not surprisingly, he
came up with next to nothing.  In short, the family and social 
backgrounds of the "shys" were essentially the same in nature as those
of the "non-shys".  "Shy people" could be found in varying proportions 
among all demographic categories, and in every geographic area.  And it
was found to be most commonplace in Japan, and least commonplace in Israel.
	The conclusion to be drawn from all of this was obvious: shyness 
is learned.  Nobody is ever born shy.  And another inevitable conclusion
was: teach people (1) that shyness is learned, and (2) how to go about
unlearning(extinguishing) it.  These conclusions were, in essence, all
too pat and fraught with holes.
	First, 40 percent represents a huge fraction of the population. 
Virtually any statistician will agree that if you compare 40 percent of
the population with the other 60 percent on ANY variable, you will get 
no significant difference between the two groups for that variable.  In
other words, the family backgrounds(including socialization practices, 
discipline, etc.) and ANY 40 percent of the population will not differ 
appreciably from those of the other 60 percent.  It makes no difference
whether you choose shyness, degree of religiosity, political liberality
versions conservatism, etc.  The chance that statistically meaningful
differences will obtain between groups that are so large is virtually
nil.
	In order for real differences to be obtained between two groups, 
and in order for the actual causes of shyness to be isolated, the term
"shyness" would need to be much more carefully defined and delimited.  
It is not surprising that 40 percent of the American population feels 
"shy" from time to time.  In fact, Dr. Zimbardo tells us that fully 85 
percent of Americans admit to having been "shy" at some point in their 
lives.  And that too is far from surprising.  What needs to be 
stressed, however, is that very few of this huge number of people have
a life-debilitating form of shyness.  Very few of them suffer from the 
sort of chronic shyness that is so painful that free choice and 
self-determinations are effectively blocked.  For example, 40 percent 
of the male population does not remain involuntarily unmarried 
throughout their lives on account of severe shyness!  
	This book is concerned with just that very life-debilitating, 
severely painful form of shyness.  What is more, it is concerned with a
specific form of severe shyness that prevents a person from partaking
in the normal round of dating, courtship, marriage and family 
activities.  In short, this book is concerned with a form of shyness
that is so strong that it serves to prevent a normally heterosexual
person from ever having sex and getting married, and from ever being
able to savor the joys and satisfactions of membership inside a family
of his own making.
	Defined in these terms, we are certainly not talking about 40
percent of the population! We are talking about roughly 1.5 percent of
the American male population, or about 1, 670, 000 American males.  When
1.5 percent of the male population is compared against a health group
without this love-shyness problem, significant differences do show up
in great abundance.  Moreover, many of these differences have a strong 
bearing upon the question of what causes love-shyness.  Further, that 
quite sizable chunk of the American population with less severe and
debilitating forms of love-shyness should be permitted by the findings
delineated in this book to gain considerable valuable insight into
themselves and their problems.  In addition, everyone who reads this
book will become much better equipped than they had been to effectively
prevent all degrees of shyness(both mild and severe) from ever developing 
in the lives of their loved ones.

(3) Nature versus Nurture

	Dr. Zimbardo is a learning psychologist.  And like most 
psychologists whose careers have focused almost exclusively upon learning 
processes and upon laboratory experimentation, Dr. Zimbardo has remained 
abysmally unaware and unaffected by the burgeoning research literature 
on the biological basis of shyness.  This literature includes material on 
genetics, congenital factors, human physiology, and human biochemistry.  
And in recent years the message of this literature has become strong and 
consistent.  In essence, shyness itself is indeed learned; but two 
dimensions of temperament called inhibition and emotionality (low 
anxiety threshold) which ARE INBORN and genetically rooted.
	As author of this book I have an extensive knowledge and 
understanding of BOTH kinds of research literature: (1) that which has 
focused upon learning, AND (2) that which has focused upon inborn, 
biologically based considerations.  The extensive bibliography that is 
provided at the end of this book should provide the reader with some idea 
of the balanced perspective which this book has endeavored to represent.  
I firmly believe that therapists with a one-sided perspective cannot and 
will not succeed in remedying any but the most mild cases of shyness.  
Zimbardo himself admits that he helps only 50 percent of the people who 
seek help at his "shyness clinic".  Such a therapeutic success record is 
not very impressive (1) because a 50 percent cure rate would be obtained 
by pure chance, and (2) because with very few exceptions the young men 
and women who seek help at his clinic suffer from only very mild degrees 
of shyness.¹
	Unlike Dr. Zimbardo's book, this book will endeavor to provide the 
reader with a truly balanced perspective on the causal antecedents of 
shyness.  My approach will in no way underestimate the prime importance of 
social learning--particularly that which goes on inside the contexts of 
the family and the peer group. However, I will similarly not underestimate 
what I consider to be the even greater importance of inborn factors.  The 
inborn factors constitute a set of elastic limits.  They set the stage for 
and limit that which can be learned.  And even though there is no shyness 
gene, those born with the "inhibition/emotionality gene" are far more 
likely, as this book will show, to develop and learn love-shyness--here 
within the context of the United States of America.
	Finally, there is a third class of variables falling outside the 
purview of both "nature" and "nurture" which up to now Zimbardo and most 
other psychologists have totally ignored.  These variables might best be 
termed occult.  And a balanced perspective on shyness must take these into 
account along with variables pertinent to learning and to biological, 
inborn considerations.  As this book will show, not all "occult" variables 
are non-amenable to empirical analysis.  In essence, many occult factors 
have been studied through the use of the five physical senses.  And this 
book will discuss these variables and the important implications which 
they may entail for the development of love-shyness.
	Man is far more than a physical body.  The physical body is merely 
the vehicle for man's immortal spirit at the earth(incarnate) level of 
energy vibration. Severe love-shyness can be seen as a byproduct of a 
synergistic interaction between and among (1) inborn factors, (2) learning 
factors, and (3) spiritual/occult factors.

(4) Advice to the Shy

	Lacking a balanced perspective on how shyness develops, Zimbardo's 
book is less than understanding or insightful in the way it doles out 
advice and recommendations to victims of the problem.  In essence, it 
tells people without any "bootstraps" to go out and "pick themselves up 
by their own bootstraps."  Most of the love-shy men I interviewed who had 
read Zimbardo's book had emerged quite depressed and exasperated by the 
experience.  The book was allegedly the first to be written about their 
problem.  And yet the love-shy men I talked to could not relate to 
Zimbardo's therapeutic and preventive recommendations.  Indeed, they saw 
this "therapeutic" recommendations, in particular, as being a sham as well 
as highly insensitive.
	A major purpose of this book is to provide recommendations for both 
therapy and prevention which are realistic and meaningful to those 
afflicted with severe love-shyness problems.  Perhaps more than anything 
else (other than a suitable lover), the love-shy need a spokesman.  
Further, they need support groups with some political influence and 
power--groups which will effectively move them towards their goals of 
marriage and satisfying family life.
	This book is based upon extensive interviews with 300 severely 
love-shy men.  Each of these 300 men represents a case of genuine, 
life-debilitating shyness.  All have been effectively prevented from 
dating, marrying, having sex, informally interacting with women, etc., by 
their love-shyness problem.  And all have been bogged down by shyness 
throughout the entirety of their respective life spans.  The 
recommendations that are made in this book are to the maximum extent 
possible sensitive to the needs, wishes and very real human feelings of 
these men.  Furthermore, this book contains no recommendations or pieces 
of advice that are out of harmony with what has been learned about the 
inborn, biologically based attributes of the love-shy.
	In fact, readers who are love-shy should feel heartened to learn that 
there are plenty of attractive female partners around who would be quite 
amenable to loving a love-shy man.  This book will present a therapeutic 
approach which can be engineered now, which is already available in 
diluted form on certain university campuses, and which can and will assure 
each and every love-shy man of a female lover.  This is an approach which 
can ad will accomplish this goal WITHOUT requiring the love-shy to perform 
any anxiety-provoking "homework" exercises, such as starting conversations 
with strangers.  Zimbardo's approach requires the love-shy to confront and 
deal with excruciatingly painful anxiety feelings.  This book, in contrast, 
recognizes that it is unreasonable to require anyone to "walk on fire" in 
order to be healed.  In essence, this book does not prescribe any 
anxiety-provoking exercises for the love-shy, nor does it recommend any 
costly and exasperating "talking cure" based upon insight or so-called 
unconscious motivation.  No love-shy man was ever cured as a result of 
talking to a psychotherapist over months and years of time!
	A further problem with Zimbardo's approach to therapy is that he 
endeavors to treat people with all manner of different kinds and degrees 
of shyness.  And this represents a key reason why love-shy men cannot 
relate to much of what Zimbardo has to say.  For example, it has long 
been known that alcoholics cannot be helped through participating in 
therapy groups that are composed of people suffering from a wide variety 
of different sorts of psychoemotional problems. On the other hand, as soon 
as they are introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous groups most alcoholics begin 
deriving significant benefits almost immediately.  I believe that the 
love-shy are similar to alcoholics in this regard.  They need and require 
therapy groups that are focused specifically and exclusively upon 
heterosexual love-shyness.
	Most love-shy men feel very different from the majority of clients 
who partake in Zimbardo's "shyness clinic" therapy programs.  Most 
love-shy men don't really much care if they never become capable of 
starting conversations with strangers, or delivering informal talks before 
large groups of people, etc.  all they really want is a girl!  And all else 
is nothing more than an abrasively irritating distraction which they would 
much prefer to do without.  To be sure, after they have found a girl most 
love-shy men might well be expected to become tolerant and patient enough 
to recognize the desirability of working on other shyness-related problems.  
But unless and until they have found their girl, these other shyness-related 
problems have just about much significance to love-shy men as the falling 
of a leaf in a distant forest.  They are simply not interested in other 
shyness-related difficulties.
	Finally, Zimbardo's attitude towards shy people is quite moralistic.  
In this book I take pains to avoid intimating any moralistic or judgmental 
attitudes towards the love-shy.  It has been my experience that a moralistic 
attitude tends to cause the erection of strong defenses and to foster 
feelings of alienation between the shy person and his therapist.  Love-shy 
men tend to be bogged down with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness 
about their problem.  And a moralistic (gung ho for rugged individualism) 
attitude together with unreasonable expectations regarding "homework 
exercises" only serves to render the attainment of therapeutic goals 
patently impossible.
	Zimbardo's attitude towards therapy vis-a-vis shy clients is by his 
own admission one of "take it or leave it"--"do the homework 
exercises I'm requiring or don't come back".  His attitude is "if 
the therapeutic approach does not work, there must be something wrong with
the SHY CLIENT, not with the therapeutic approach itself".
	This book takes the exact opposite position.  In short, I do not 
believe that square pegs can be forced into round holes without 
causing an exacerbation of the problem.  This book is aimed at effectively 
remedying severe love-shyness for all of its victims.  And it is dedicated 
to the proper engineering of therapeutic modalities that fit the client.  
Therapeutic and preventive approaches must be made to fit the client in 
lieu of the traditional approach(which almost always fails) of trying to 
make the client fit some therapeutic approach that had been worked out in 
some moralistic ivory tower somewhere.