Love in the Middle Childhood Years

      Even though it is somewhat unusual for children to fall in love
with opposite sexed age-mates as early as kindergarten or the first grade,
by the fourth, fifth and sixth grades such strong romantic attachments
are quite commonplace throughout middle-class suburban and small
town America. Love-shy boys differ in their romantic attachments from
boys of normal psychoemotional adjustment in essentially seven ways:
(1) they become deeply romantically interested in girls at least three or
four years earlier, usually by kindergarten, the first or second grades;
(2) they rarely transcend the point of unrequited infatuation. Thus, they
never actually socialize in any way with the object of their affections.
(3) They are usually social isolates, whereas boys of normal psycho-
emotional health sustain many male friendships. In fact, Broderick found
that fourth and fifth grade boys with girl friends had significantly more
male friendships than did boys of the same age without any girl friends.
And (4) the need to daydream about and the yearning to be near the
object of their infatuation represents a dominating, driving force in the
love-shys' lives; they care about very little else. Male peers, parents,
schoolwork, etc., simply do not matter to them. All that matters is the
love object.
     The fifth (5) major point of difference is that love-shy boys both
prefer and need a coeducational environment for all of their activities.
Love-shy boys don't like their own gender much, whereas non-love-
shy prepubescent boys enjoy "boyish" all-male activities quite in spite
of their romantic interests in girls which, again, are reciprocated. And
(6) the love-shy preadolescent boy tends to be strongly infatuated with
just one girl at a time, whereas his more "normal" male peers tend to
develop romantic interests in a lot of different girls. Lastly (7) the love-
shy occasionally become deeply infatuated with television and movie
actresses of their own age or younger, whereas the "normal" boy con-
fines his romantic interests strictly to accessible girls.
     The following interview quotation is illustrative of typical behavior
in a fifth grade love-shy boy. Again, it is quite normal for fifth grade
boys to develop and maintain strong romantic love interests. However,
the love-shy boy daydreams while the adjusted, happy boy interacts.
In this sense the two different lifetime scripts (love-shy and "normal")
begin to manifest themselves at about the fifth grade year. The adult
social behavior of a love-shy man is little different from the behavioral
style of the love-shy fifth grader.

     "I didn't really do much after school until I got to be in the fifth
     grade. Up until that time I just sort of hung around. But that year
     they cleared a bunch of vacant lots about a half-mile from where I
     lived. And they created a park where kids could play at all kinds of
     stuff. I rode my bike there one day and I saw this really pretty girl.
     I didn't know her name, but I knew she was one grade behind me
     in school. All I can tell you is that love just all of a sudden hit me
     and I was overwhelmed. For the next two years I don't think I ever
     missed a single day at that park. I would take my bike there every
     single day after school. Most days she never came. In fact, I guess
     she only showed up there about once every two weeks or so. But
     that was enough to force me to go there every single day. I mean,
     if something held me up from getting to the park it was like I would
     be just overwhelmed. My spirit would just be jumping out of my
     insides! Strange and really strong feelings would penetrate through-
     out my whole body. And I just couldn't stand still. I just had to get
     there even though I knew she might not show up.

     Actually I never talked to her. All I ever did was look her way as
     long as she was anywhere near me. If she would look in my direction
     I would just feel overwhelmed as though hot lead had just passed
     throughout my entire bloodstream. And I would look away from
     her for a second. And then I would just run two or three laps around
     the park, or I might get on one of the swings and swing myself real
     hard. I think the other kids must have thought that I was crazy
     because sometimes I would just run and run whenever she would
     look at me. And as I would run or swing myself I would be dreaming
     about being in bed with her, or at the beach in the sun together, or
     just sitting quietly watching television together. This was long before
     I knew anything at all about sex.

     After awhile I guess she must have begun to suspect that I really
     liked her. But she never tried to start a conversation with me or
     anything. I never had the nerve to say anything to my mother or
     father about it. In fact, I never had the nerve to say anything to my
     folks about any of the girls I ever fell in love with. I just quietly
     suffered by myself all through my life." (35-year old love-shy man.)