A Life-Threatening Scenario

     Suppose that your physician together with several of his/her
esteemed specialist colleagues got together and told you that you had
only six months to live. Suppose that they further advised you that for
at least the first five of these six months your activities need not be
impeded in any way. In other words, you will be able to do virtually
anything that you wish to do for the first five of your remaining six
months of life.
     This scenario has become a favorite of motivational psychologists
who travel around the United States and Canada trying to inspire people
towards using their valuable time more productively, happily and effec-
tively. Accordingly, I presented it to all 500 of the men who were inter-
viewed for this book. I wanted to get their reactions as I was particularly
curious as to whether or not the love-shys would respond to it noticeably
different than the non-shys.                         
     The differences I obtained turned out to be quite remarkable. For
example, not one man among the 100 older love-shys believed that his
life style would change very much at all--especially from the standpoint
of his relationships vis-a-vis other people. In essence, for the typical
love-shy man, the fear of experiencing anxiety in social situations is
more forbidding than the fear of death itself.
      A few of the love-shys told me that they would take everything
out of their bank accounts and use much of their remaining time trav-
eling. And a few of them would use this as an opportunity to cheat
their credit card companies. Some of them spoke about quitting their
jobs and spending endless hours listening to their stereos, watching
television, or going to the movies. However, none of them (and this is
the important point) seriously thought that the six-month time limit
would in any way have the effect of making it any easier for them to
approach a woman, or for them to risk rejection in purely sociable, social
situations. The following might be considered typical of the responses
I received from the older love-shy men:

     "Well, I'd certainly quit this stupid-ass job; I know that much! Then
     I guess I'd take everything out of my bank account and I'd use the
     whole time just traveling all over the place. I'd probably also get all
     the cash I could from these so-called credit card loans. Like if I only
     had five months I might as well get all I can. They're not going to
     be able to take any action against me if I'm going to be dead! ....
     I know what I'd really like to do. I'd really like to just get myself a
     really fabulous woman and just do nothing but have constant sex
     for six months. But I know I'd never be able to even ask a girl out,
     much less have sex. Even with only six months to live, I know I'd
     just flip out of my gorge just to even think about approaching a
     pretty woman. I just couldn't take the anxiety. The fact that I had
     only six months to live wouldn't make a damn bit of difference
     because I'd still have to deal with the anxiety. And I know that I'd
     never be able to deal with the anxiety. Like I told you, I can't even
     think about starting a conversation with some woman who is attrac-
     tive to me. It blows my mind too much. So I'd just use the remaining
     time traveling. That's a whole lot better than nothing." (44-year old
     love-shy man. )

     By the way, the responses of the younger love-shys were little
different from those of the older ones. On the other hand, the non-shy
men tended to phrase their responses strictly in terms of their personal
involvements with friends, lovers, relatives, and other loved ones. Many
of the non-shys would also travel. But all would do so with a lover and/
or with close friends and family.