Loneliness

     The relationship between loneliness and love-shyness is more com-
plex than most people imagine. I tested each of my respondents for
loneliness through the use of a 20-item scale that had been developed
at U.C.L.A. during the mid 1970s, by Dr. Letitia Anne Peplau. The scale
together with the instructions for responding to it follows:

     For each of the following twenty statements please use the following
     legend:
                "1" = I never feel this way.
                "2" = I rarely feel this way.
                "3" = I sometimes feel this way.
                "4" = I often feel this way.

Please circle whatever number is closest to the truth for you for each
of the twenty statements:

       1. I am unhappy doing so many things alone. 1 2 3 4
       2. I have nobody to talk to. 12 3 4
       3. I cannot tolerate being so alone. 12 3 4
       4. I lack companionship. 1 2 3 4
       5. I feel as if nobody really understands me. 1 2 3 4
       6. I find myself waiting for people to call or write. 1 2 3 4
       7. There is no one I can turn to. 1 2 3 4
       8. I am no longer close to anyone. 1 2 3 4
       9. My interests and ideas are not shared by those around me. 1 2 3 4
     10. I feel left out. 1 2 3 4
     11. I feel completely alone. 1 2 3 4
     12. I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around
           me. 1 2 3 4
     13. My social relationships are superficial. 1 2 3 4
     14. I feel starved for company. 1 2 3 4
     15. No one really knows me well. 1 2 3 4
     16. I feel isolated from others. 1 2 3 4
     17. I am unhappy being so withdrawn. 1 2 3 4
     18. It is difficult for me to make friends. 1 2 3 4
     19. I feel shut out and excluded by others. 1 2 3 4
     20. People are around me but not with me. 1 2 3 4

     The mean (average) loneliness score for the 200 non-shy men was
27.4. The mean score for the 200 younger love-shy men was 60.9; and
the mean score for the 100 older love-shy men was 73.2.
      In essence, it would appear that the love-shy suffer from a great
many more feelings of loneliness than do the non-shy. However, a
problem with this interpretation is that 97 percent of the older love-shys
together with 74 percent of the younger ones also claimed (when I directly
questioned them about it) that they never experienced any feelings of
loneliness for people of their own sex. Simply put, the large majority of
love-shy men do not seem to care about the fact that they do not have
any real friendships with people of their own gender. Indeed, quite a
few of the respondents specifically indicated that they did not even want
any friendships with people of their own sex.
      Thus it would appear that the twenty statements on Peplau's Lone-
liness Scale were all interpreted by a majority of the love-shy males in
strictly cross-sexed terms. It should be noted, of course, that the scale
items are all gender-neutral. In other words, none of the twenty state-
ments have any bearing at all upon loneliness for the opposite sex as
opposed to loneliness for one's own sex. Similarly, none of the items
require an interpretation of loneliness for one's own sex as opposed to
loneliness for the opposite sex. Yet the love-shy men interviewed for
this study all seemed to think strictly in terms of their long-term dep-
rivation of cross-sexed companionship.
     For example, item #4 tended to be interpreted: "I lack opposite
sexed companionship". Item #18 tended to be interpreted as: "It is
difficult for me to make friends with the opposite sex". And so on for
each of the other eighteen statements. In stark contrast, the non-shy
men did not tend to think in these cross-sexed terms at all. Only the
love-shy tended to interpret the scale exclusively in cross-sexed terms.
     I asked each man to respond to this statement: "It wouldn't bother
me at all if I had no friends of my own sex. Just so long as I had friends
of the opposite sex I'd be alright." Fully 86 percent of the older love-
shys and 61 percent of the younger ones agreed with this statement. In
contrast, only 12 percent of the self-confident non-shy men agreed with
it.

     "What the hell would I want a male friend for! All they ever talk
     about is baseball, basketball and football! I can't stand their interests
     or their crass, coarse manners. Whenever I even hear guys talk with
     each other I want to get away from them as fast as possible because
     it's too depressing. I want a girl! That's the only thing I've ever felt
     lonely for. I've never felt lonely for a male friend in my entire life!"
     (20-year old love-shy man.)

     Despite the differences which obtained between the love-shys and
the non-shys on the Peplau Loneliness Scale, I got the distinct impression
from my many interviews that love-shy males in general tend to have
a much weaker need for people than (probably) the vast majority of the
population of human beings. To be sure, the love-shys are far from
content with their lot. But at the same time their needs for people tend
to be restricted to their deeply felt need for just one (usually beautiful)
opposite sexed person with whom they can love and live.
     Another impression I got (and I may be wrong about this one) is
that the younger love-shys seem to suffer from a good many more bouts
of really painful loneliness than the older love-shys do. The older love-
shys seem to have adapted to their lot in life. And even though they
are far from content with that lot or willing to accept it as their "just
desserts", they do not appear to become bogged down by as many
lengthy periods of debilitating depression as do the younger love-shys.

     "Oh, twenty years ago there were sometimes weeks at a time when
     I couldn't even study or concentrate on any of my work. I would
     flunk courses I didn't have to flunk. Sometimes at 3 o'clock in the
     morning I'd just be overwhelmed with an uncontrollable urge to
     just get up and take a really long walk. That used to happen a lot
     of times. Every time I became infatuated with some girl at work or
     school I'd get this uncontrollable urge to take five-mile walks at any
     time of night, no matter how late. I'd be just so damned depressed.
     But I'd be even more depressed if I just laid there. I just had to get
     up and run and run and run. And when I'd get back I'd be sapped
     of every ounce of energy, and still I'd be depressed-~-but I guess not
     as depressed as I would have been if I didn't run. I mean, I'd some-
     times get these really beautiful fantasies when I'd take long walks.
     I'd see myself really making it with a beautiful girl.

     It's been a really long time since I was that badly off. I guess I started
     to calm down when I was about 32 or 33. Right now I guess I feel
     more angry than depressed. Like I'm angry at society for depriving
     me of a chance for a wife and family simply because I'm shy. I mean
     that really pisses me off. And that's how I feel--pissed off, not
     depressed or even lonely so much." (47-year old love-shy man.)

     The foregoing feelings seemed to be quite typical of many of the
older love-shy men. These feelings may merely be a reflection of changes
in blood-androgens and blood-testosterones that gradually accrue as a
person becomes older. Hence, blood hormone changes could affect cer-
tain emotional feelings (e.g., restlessness and depression) without caus-
ing any changes in basic beliefs concerning deprivation, being a long-
term victim of unjust treatment, etc.
      In sum, I would say that love-shyness is far from being in any way
synonymous with loneliness. Love-shy males tend to think of "loneli-
ness" strictly in terms of their long-term deprivation of meaningful,
loving female companionship. From this it can be concluded that mem-
bership in any kind of support group or friendship group that is strictly
(or even primarily) male in membership composition is something that
would drive most love-shy men to distraction. Therapists need to keep
this point in mind. An all-male group almost invariably meets with
strong feelings of resistance, boredom, disinterest, and even hostility,
as far as love-shy men are concerned. They drop out of and avoid such
groups because they do not perceive such group involvements as speak-
ing in any way to their deeply felt needs and vested interests.
      Simply put, an all-male group will not in any way correct feelings
of loneliness among love-shy men. It will not correct such feelings because
involvement with male peers is not seen by love-shy men as being
therapeutic. To the love-shy, females are the only human beings worth
knowing or informally associating with. There is an old cliche that it is
possible for a person to be quite "lonely" out in a crowd. Love-shy males
characteristically feel quite "lonely" when they are in or around groups
of men. Never having developed the ability to truly "let their hair down"
and relax while in the company of men, they feel that only female
companionship can accord them what they really need.