Golf Jokes

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th
green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked
their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the
three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain
stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting
men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said
one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just
now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the
confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a
four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the
four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the
front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his
putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt.

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips
off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing
so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making
the turn at nine, the pro comes running out of the
clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!" "Yeah, what is it?" "Did you
see what happened to your ball from the first tee?""Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't
see what happened to it." "Let me tell you, it ricocheted
off a van's window which went out of control and hit a
school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and
burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at
the hospital!" "Oh my God! What should I do?" " "Well," said
the pro, "I think if you come by for a lesson we can get your
grip properly adjusted."

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend
sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and
asked his mate what happened. "Well, I was playing golf
and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then
I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding
mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow
nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched
its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it
and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?'
And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
afternoon. The first of the two some teed off and
watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the
ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and
proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed
over and immediately began to apologize. She then
explained that she was a physical therapist and offered
to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be
alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he
remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands
together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally
allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her
hands inside, beginning to massage him."Does that feel
better?", she asked."Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really*
great", he replied,"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during
which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in
frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to
break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the
caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked
the curious golfer."It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

Two golfers are at the first tee:

Golfer one: ``Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!''

Golfer two: ``Great trade!!!!''

Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes.
He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the
second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a
brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a
meter from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it
five meters beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and
sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That
was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I
only took two of them."

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't
even remember when we were married." "Of course I
do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine and it
was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?"
asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you
sure?"

"Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling
up."

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?" The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch." James asked if the pro thought this would help his game, to which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!" 

''An international lawyer won a major court case for a Middle Eastern Oil country.

"What can we do to thank you" the Foreign Minister asked the Lawyer.

"Just buy me a couple of golf clubs" answered the Lawyer.

A month later the Lawyer received the following fax.

'Bought the golf clubs for you. One is in California, and the other is in Maui.' 

On the first tee at the Royal Cape Town Golf Club, a novice drove off -- directly into a tree. The ball, striking at just the right angle, whizzed past the caddy. The golfer dropped his club, raising his hands just in time to catch the ball and keep himself from being struck in the head. Regaining his composure, he turned to the caddy.

"What should I do now?" he asked.

"Why not try the same shot again, sir? But this time, keep your hands in your pockets."

Jeff and Sam were on the first tee the other morning when the Greens keeper approached them and said:  'I've put a special weed killer on the grass so don't lick your balls.'

Sam replied: 'If I could lick my balls I wouldn't be playing golf today.'

Two drunks were negotiating the short 12th at Pinehurst. One hit a long ball that bounced twice on the fairway, killed a frog crossing the apron, rolled over the green and dropped past the flag into the cup.

"Got a birdie two on that' shot," yelled the player.

"Sure did," agreed his partner, "Even knocked the feathers off it 

After playing 18 holes, Shane decided to hang around with the boys for a few drinks afterward and didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. His wife was extremely upset and didn't believe him when he said he was playing night golf. She said he couldn't have been, because there are no lights on a golf course.

Shane replied, "Yes there are. Miller Lite, Bud Lite and Coors Lite

As the victim lulled off guard and drawn into some serious-money betting, the golf hustler went into top gear and started playing like a master. Aware of the sucker's suspicion, the hustler feigned surprise at this miraculously improved form, shrugged modestly and muttered, "Somebody up there must like me…"

"Good," snapped the brawny sucker, fingering his driver in a meaning manner, "because if I lose, you're likely to meet Him."  

Fred and Tom were playing golf one day. They decided that no matter what, they would not improve their lie and play strictly by the rules. After a few holes, Tom's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, Fred said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie." No matter how much Tom tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, Fred would not allow it. So Tom went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings, he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin. "Great shot!" Fred exclaimed. "What club did you use?" Tom answered, "I used YOUR 7-iron!" 

Two Americans in Switzerland were playing at 5,000 feet on the Engadine Golf Course. In the thin air, one just couldn't connect with the ball. One player would miss, pick up the ball in his hand and fire it down the fairway. Then he'd walk after it, swing again, miss, pick it up, and throw it on again. After six holes of this, he finally tossed down his golf bag in disgust and stalked away. "Hey! C'mon back!" his partner yelled…."You've got a no-hitter going!"                                               

 The world's worst golfer hit his ball into a monstrous bunker.

"What club should I use now?" he wailed to his caddie.

"What club you use isn't important" answered the young man. "Just take along plenty of food and water."                                                 

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,

"In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:

10. Damn...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be   desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf, isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first  

***"How come you don't play with Joe any more?"
"Well, how would you like to play with a cheat who's always fudging his scorecard and moving the ball with his foot when nobody's looking?"
"Unh, unh."
"Well Joe feels the same way."

 Dan and Dave were sitting in the pro shop sipping an after game drink.

"So, how was your golf game today?" asks Dave. "Remember I bet you $20 that I'd score better than you, and I shot an 88."

"It was great," replies Dan. "I shot par!"

"Wow, that's really good, "Dave answers with a hint of envy in his voice and reluctantly hands him $20 bill. "It seems like you were only out on the course for about an hour or so."

"Yeah," exclaims Dan, " I felt so excited I went ahead and played the 2nd and 3rd hole too!"

John was playing with a recent Russian immigrant named Constantine for a round of golf at a local golf course. They worked their way around the course, and got to talking….

"Hey, you're a pretty good golfer. I didn't know they had many good golfers in Russia."

"Of course. I'll be you didn't know that back home in my country, I participated in the Russian Open…?"

"I didn't know there was a Russian Open."

"Oh yes…..they opened Russia….and I got out!"

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot….everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
"Home late again. Sorry dear."

"You and your 'golf buddy' Harry both give me a swift pain. What's the excuse, this time?

"Nothing but delays, delays - all day. Harry's car had a flat on the way to the course. An enormous line waiting to tee off. The thunderstorm. The hailstorm. The smog alert. Harry dropping dead on the 12th green…"

"Harry dropped dead!!??"

"Yup, and after that, it was just hit the ball…drag Harry…hit the ball…drag Harry….."

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.

A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they

Would see what they thought. They all agreed and she said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round.

The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.

By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the

group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her,

"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed.

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his "you-know-what" is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed."

One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45.

A visitor from another country asked a golfer to teach them how to play "ah crap."

"What are you talking about?" asked the golfer.

"You try to hit the little ball with a stick, and when you do you holler 'ah crap' and throw the stick and then you go and get the stick and do it all over again and again for four to five hours and then you write down something on a card."

"I guess it is how many ah craps you had." 

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:  "Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here

Confessional

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?" "I don't care-any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men's. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!" 

After another frustrating day on the course, Tom was sitting at the dinner table complaining about his lack of golfing skills. "If I only had John Daly's length," he said to his wife. "I know," complained his wife, who was becoming irritated of always listening to Tom complain about his game. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and said, "If you only had John Daly's length, if you only had John Daly's length. I am so tired of hearing you say that. Besides, even if you did have John Daly's length, you would only be able to hit your ball that much farther into the woods!" 

Two friends were having a discussion on the finer reasons why they like the game of golf. What I like about golf, the first guy said, you get to spend the day outdoors in the sun and fresh air, exercising your body and mind. Screw that, said his friend. I'll tell you why golf is such a great game. Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a bunch of hookers and not have his wife kill him!

A golfer hooks his drive into the woods to the left of the fairway. While looking for his ball he happens upon a leprechaun. The leprechaun asks him, "How's your round of golf going?". The golfer admits, "I'm having one of my worst rounds ever." The leprechaun zaps the golfer with a magic spell. The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies, "In all honesty, I haven't had any in years." So, the leprechaun zaps him with another spell. The golfer goes on to have his best round ever. Two months later the golfer is playing the same course. He checks to see if the leprechaun is still around. Sure enough, he spots him in the woods. The leprechaun asks, "How's how has your golf been lately?" The golfer responds with pride, "I'm playing the best golf of my life." The leprechaun then asks, "How's your sex life doing?" The golfer replies happily, "I've been getting some almost every other week." The leprechaun seemed dismayed and said, "Boy, I would have thought you would be doing much better than that." The golfer replied, "Well for a priest, from a small town, with no car, every other week isn't so bad."

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!" The man replies, "I found it."

Jesus and Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off, and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and he's about a seven iron off the green. "Not bad," Jesus says. So He steps up to tee off, and his too is a straight drive up the fairway, but a little short. Just as the ball comes to a stop, a gopher pops out of its hole, grabs the ball in its mouth and starts to run up the fairway. Before it can even get ten feet, an eagle swoops down out of the heavens and grabs the gopher in its mouth and flies off towards the green. Just as the trio gets above the hole, a lightning bolt strikes out of a cloudless sky and vaporizes both the eagle and the gopher. The ball drops straight down into the hole for a hole in one. Arnold Palmer turns to Jesus and says, "Are you going to play golf or are you going to fool around?"

*OR* After the gopher and the eagle disappeared and the ball went in, Jesus looked up and said: Father please...I'd rather do it myself!

A German, Englishman and American are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says I have 4 kids, one more and they'll make a basketball team. The Englishman says huh! That. s nothing I have 10 boys, one more and I'll be the world-champion soccer-team's coach. The American starts laughing. He says I've had 17 wives and no kids!! But one more wife and I'll open a golf course!

One pleasant afternoon, a Priest and a Nun were out golfing. The father deferred to the Nun on the first hole, and she hit a nice ball towards the green. The Father tees up, then smacks the ball into the woods. "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&$#^@$# #&^&!$, I MISSED!" he cries. "Father!" says the Nun, "You should watch your language. The Lord will not like it." The second hole comes up. The father tees off, and the ball once again goes sailing into the woods. "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^$#^@$# #&^&!$, I MISSED!" he cries. "Father!" says the Nun, "Watch what you say! It is Blasphemy!" Third hole. Once more the father tees up. Once more the ball sails wide, this time into a water trap. "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^$#^@$# #&^&!$, I MISSED!" he cries. As the Nun starts to speak, a great bolt of lightning sails down from the sky and strikes the Nun, reducing her to ash. From the sky comes a booming voice: "GOD-DAMN IT!! #$*^&^$#^@$# #&^&!$, I MISSED!"

***A Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and on the next green, when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs. The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults." "Somersaults!!!! How many of them does it do??" "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it!" 

 Once there was an avid golfer who was playing golf at a very expensive, very exclusive golf course. On the eighth hole, he had the great good fortune to hit a hole-in-one. When he pulled the ball out of the hole, great gouts of smoke issued forth, to coalesce into a genie a few seconds later. "Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish." The guy thought a few minutes, and said, "I wish my pennis would grow longer." "Done!" said the genie, and sank back into the hole. The guy continued his game, but was distressed to find that his pennis was growing but not stopping. By the tenth hole it had reached his knees, by the twelfth, his feet. Finally, he returned to the clubhouse and bought a bucket of golf balls, returned to the eighth hole, and started hitting balls from the green. Eventually, he hit another hole-in-one. He walked to the green, holding his penis (which was now so long it otherwise would have dragged on the ground), and retrieved his ball. The genie appeared as before. "Because this is such an expensive, exclusive golf course," the genie intoned, "the eighth hole has been equipped with a genie (me) who will grant players who hit a hole-in-one one wish." The guy immediately responded, "I wish my legs were a little longer."

Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed like hours. "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel and went back to where his companion was waiting. "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them is my wife and the other's my mistress!" "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back before reaching the green. "What's wrong?" Bill asked. "Small world, isn't it?"

A man is out playing golf with his wife when, on the 14th hole, he finds himself in the rough with a barn impeding his path to the green. As he ponders the shot, he wife suggests "Why not open the front and rear barn doors and hit through the barn?" The man considers this idea then decides to give it a try. After getting the doors opened, he attempts the shot. Unfortunately, he hits the ball too high and it hits the barn, ricocheting back to hit his wife right between the eyes - killing her instantly. About a month later, the man is playing golf with his secretary when he finds himself in the same predicament on the 14th hole. As he considers his options, his secretary suggests "Why not open the barn doors and hit right through it?" "Oh no," says the man, "I tried that a few weeks ago and took an 8 on this hole."

John was playing with a recent Russian immigrant named Constantine for a round of golf at a local golf course. They worked their way around the course, and got to talking….

"Hey, you're a pretty good golfer. I didn't know they had many good golfers in Russia."

"Of course. I'll be you didn't know that back home in my country, I participated in the Russian Open…?"

"I didn't know there was a Russian Open."

"Oh yes…..they opened Russia….and I got out!"