DUBLIN HHH

eTRASH 2005

RUN  939:                     DOG-ON                    Sachs Hotel, Donnybrook

It finally looked as if for once, it wouldn’t rain or snow or otherwise for a DOG ON run.  The gods must certainly be crazy!  And indeed they were!  Our illustrious hare picked a pub that was NOT OPEN.  That’s correct – NOT OPEN.  No chance for a pint, a tea, a wee… nada!  The Sachs Hotel, or as RHYTHM METHOD calls it, the “Grab a Granny Club” was closed for renovation.  No problem for RHYTHM METHOD, I’ve heard he likes construction engineers…

It looked as if there would be more Americans on this hash than the Irish breed as the pack gathered in front of the scaffolding.  Three Americans (no hash names) were on hand from Washington D.C. as well as 6 MILLION WON MAN and SLAVE DRIVER.  NOT PATSY, along with our new hasher who had graciously brought the beer, was standing there trying to listen through the accents when a complete stranger arrived.  He told us his name was POLLY and that he’d hashed once or twice before.  Hmmm, horny little bugger too.

Next PUSSY FOOT pulled up with a friend in tow, BUSH DOCTOR was on time, and finally the hare arrived with his bride, Cora.  Cora was the assistant in charge and assured us that we’d enjoy the trail.  Which we did once we had done away with the first FT and were finally headed in the right direction toward Herbert Park. 

We headed off through the field, around by the canal and over to Ashton’s.  The R.A. RICK O’SHAY was seen walking the trail.  Apparently he was too tired after having cycled to the start…  All in all it was a nice, very diverse, even green trail! Thanks to Cora who obviously managed the fine weather and flour… she shouldn’t have left the selection of the pub to DOG ON!  Did I mention that it was closed?????

Upon ending up back at the circle, we were greeted by NOT HALF BAD who had obviously decided to do what he calls the second half of the trail  - the down-downs!  In the midst of all the harassment, the pack was practically run over as BLONDIE BOUNCE and her side-kick Nicolai swerved into the car park just prior to Swing Low. A couple of well-deserved, very warm softies were poured out as appropriate rewards for the 2 of them.

Oh – and the scribe duly notes that she forgot to mention SWINGER from the 4^th of July hash and he was also on hand for this hash, too…     ;-)

Four Women
Four women were driving across the country. Each one was from a
different area : Galway , West Cork , Dublin and Belfast .
Shortly after the trip began, the woman from Belfast started pulling
potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the woman from Galway .
We have so many of these darn things in Northern Ireland , I am just sick of
looking at them!"
A moment later, the woman from Galway began pulling oysters from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the woman from West Cork .
"We have so many of these things in Galway , I am just sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the woman from West Cork opened the car door and pushed the Dubliner out.

RUN  937:       SLAVE DRIVER –run                 US Embassy

                      CYOTE UGLY – afters              Marine House

Red, white & blue, as well as stars & stripes, were the order of the day as it was the USA Independence Day.   In keeping with the spirit, SLAVE DRIVER, ever the yank, set the run from the US Embassy while CYOTE UGLY, even more the yank, prepped the BBQ and volleyball courts for the afters at the US Marine’s home.

Uncle Sam surely would’ve pulled his hat over his eyes at the sight of such a mix of badly dressed and then even worse dressed 4^th of July pretenders!  Among the crowd were GAYLICK, NOT HALF BAD, 6 MILLION WON MAN, RICK O’SHEA and JOYRIDER (in stunning red striped tights).  MORE CARGO arrived to make a near–political statement in a makeshift red “towlie-band”.  Even our hare raiser, STTI was on hand for the festivities – as was WOODWORM – what a surprise!

After a brief hare talk, the pack dispersed looking for flour or chalk.  WEDGIE was on-on but so was SPIDERMAN.  It took some convincing from the hare to finally get SPIDERMAN back onto the long FT that WEDGIE was now leading.  Clare O’Sullivan (someone name her, please!), STICKY FINGERS, and CENTREFOLD took the creative walking tour.

The trail wound round the tennis courts of Herbert Park and onwards to Baggot Street.  RHYTHM METHOD picked up visiting hasher Flora on the way.  Rumour has it that he told her the run started from the US Ambassador’s house and poor Flora (potential name, “margarine”) took a cab to Haddington Road to catch up with the pack.  And a pack she had too… a rather heavy red one with her BBQ stuff in it.  No worries, it was slapped onto BLONDIE BOUNCE’S side-kick, Nicolai, and off everyone continued – except for Nicolai who was carrying this very awkward sack.  Fortunately for Nicolai it was red and added to his red, white and blue motif.

An interruption occurred at the Canal… why wasn’t anyone looking for the trail.  What were these crazy people doing?  …They had discovered TWINKLE TOES’ house and were cajoling her to join in!  Obviously if you’re TWINKLE TOES you don’t go to the hash, the hash goes to you!

The trail then wound down into the back streets behind Fenian street – a worrying fact for visitors Angelo and Anna’s 2 children who were heard saying “Daddy, are we lost?”  Angelo, another yank, put the entire pack to shame by being a FRB with a dual stroller! It was then on-on to the American College of Dublin with TWEEDLE DUM in the lead for a rendition of the USA National Anthem.  That is until BUSH DOCTOR and DOG ON interrupted by singing something in Gaelic (no, not GAYLICK).

At this point folks were starting to whine about the length of the run and it was on-back for brief down-downs and a BBQ at the Marine House.  Back at the circle, BERNIE the BUS was waiting... wow, she’s turning into a regular these days!

At the Marine’s house the party was in full swing and BBQers were all fighting for an inch of coal to cook their nosh.  Ruby was sniffing around the base of the BBQ hoping for precarious bits to fall and RUBY TUESDAY was busy chatting away to other guests.  And the evening went seriously down-hill from here… LOUIS COPELAND was seen doing the 2-hand air grope immediately in front of Clare O’Sullivan’s chest!  SLAVEDRIVER brought out sparklers to which HATE CRIME exclaimed “mine are bigger”.  What?!?!  But this actually wasn’t true (did we ever doubt)… they were actually LOVE SEAT’s sparklers, and yes, they were at least twice as large!

Many thanks to CYOTE UGLY and his fellow Marine’s for the great hospitality and bit of Americana on the 4^th of July!

Due to increasing products liability litigation, alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

> > >

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story

over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are

really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened

to your pants.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

> > >

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and

see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space

continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

RUN 936                       SPIDERMAN                 Dun Laoghaire DART station

The hare was sorely (literally) disappointed with the small turn out for this run after waking up that very morning in the foetal position, fully clothed, next to his bed.  Apparently spidermen assume this position following stag parties…

Anyway, RUBY TUESDAY and SIX MILLION WON MAN were on the steps of the Dun Laoghaire DART station when SLAVE DRIVER, RHYTHM METHOD and their visiting Austrian student Flora arrived.  At 1:45, the hare turned up for the 1:30 start – with a towel around his neck.  When questioned, he mentioned that the trail contained a “S” mark.  That’s “S” for swim, and if 3 or more hashers were found in the vicinity of the “S” mark, he would dutifully get in for a stroke or two.  Obviously the hare was so dehydrated he was willing to swim in the stuff!

The small group took off and meandered around the water’s edge winding their way towards Blackrock.  One small break was had at the “S” stop.  A glare as bright as a beacon nearly blinded the small pack as Spiderman disrobed to his trunks and leapt into the sea – obviously our hare isn’t into real or spray-on tans.  The experience was very sobering indeed! – just what Spiderman needed.

The pack took off from this point sans hare & RUBY TUESDAY who was in her sandals… RHYTHM METHOD and Flora cried off early and short-cutted what had already been promised to be a short run. 

But not SLAVE DRIVER and 6MWM who’s knowledge of the area leaves much to be desired. 

An ill-fated right turn took the two Yankee hashers well beyond the 3 minute return to the start… Never mind that they didn’t see any flour - The James Joyce tower looked remarkably like the one at the beginning of the run. Surely the Dun Laoghaire DART station was just beyond. But of course it wasn’t…  At one point 6MWM was seen reading planning notices posted on homes in the hopes that an address would be listed.  Is Dalkey before or after Dun Laoghaire?

To add insult to injury, as the two approached the finishing check, no one was there and even worse, no down-downs were in sight.  The rest of the pack (what few there were) had retired to the Rotary BBQ at the nearby yacht club and were found pint in hand saying “oh, there you 2 are”

RUN  934:              TWEEDLE DUM             Phoenix Park

A respectable number of hashers were on hand for this Monday night run set from the ‘Hole in the Wall’ pub near the Phoenix Park. WEDGIE, SMIRNOFF and SH1T STIRRER all emerged out of the “bun” mobile to meet the likes of NOT HALF BAD, HASH HUGS, RICK O’SHAY, PSYCHO, GAYLICK,  MORE GARGO and a rare sighting of BERNIE THE BUS.

It could’ve been the spectacular weather that evening that brought everyone out for number 934.  Most certainly the number of hashers couldn’t have been attributed to the massive amounts of flour on the trail…  What’s that you say?  “Was the trail set in flour?”  No – obviously the flour conservation board had gotten to our hare and convinced him that it’s much better to let a hasher “follow their nose”, or something like that.

TWEEDLE DUM gave some sort of a hare talk and the pack was off.  RHYTHM METHOD and 6 MILLION WON MAN found trail straight away and what ended up being a rather longish run for a Monday evening was well underway (few of us knew that our hare is training for a marathon). After the first 15 minutes, late comers BUSH DOCTOR and LOUIS COPELAND caught up with the pack.  Unfortunately, LOUIS COPELAND was sans horn, which could’ve proved useful -  especially in the long grass.

The run went along the East side of the park, around by the Papal Cross.  No Pope was in sight but a dog (not DOG ON, although he was in the pack) was in the pontiff’s section now. Next the pack were seen making their way across the back of the American Ambassador’s House.  Given that TWEEDLE DUM works at the US Embassy, we fully expected a beer stop at Mr. Kenny’s residence, but alas we were left parched with a further few miles to go.

Back in the circle, SLAVE DRIVER suggested that new comer Ben from Australia should be christened “BEN DOVER”, but that’ll have to wait until the next circle as 6MWN said “you can’t name someone on the first run”.  That was one of the few things SIX said in English that evening as he was preparing for his Irish exam the next day. Aine received a well-deserved down-down for trying to pass off ordinary street clothes as hash gear with a measly badge, and HATE CRIME was forced to take a down-down on behalf of LOVE SEAT who said she couldn’t make the run “because she had to work the next day”!????   Helloooooo…

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Almonds are a member of the peach family

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are more chickens than people in the world

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;  otherwise it will digest itself.

 .............Now you know everything

RUN  :  917         BARRY O’MANILOW   Clare O’Sullivan        HARBOUR MASTER, IFSC

Obviously this was the place where the run was starting because there were TWO checks – no, not because there were 2 hares, but because one was from this hash and the other one from the hash the previous week. 

HATE CRIME, SPIDERMAN, BARRY O’MANILOW, SIX MILLION WON MAN and Clare O’Sullivan were inside the pub carbo-loading before the run.  POLLY joined as did LOUIS COPELAND, SLAVEDRIVER, WEDGIE and RYTHMN METHOD.   There was finally a quorum and the runners set off only 20 minutes late.

During the hare talk, Clare had said something about the wind possibly blowing the flour away.  This comment was clearly trying to mask the fact that the run had been set by the “Flour Conservation Board”.  

The pack were off past the CCIE depot and on towards O’Connell Street.  The runners found enough checks to keep together and headed off past Parnell Square and back down Henry Street with its tempting shops.   LOUIS COPELAND managed to get in a bit of shopping although not at his own store (he claims he was only picking up a brochure).  SPIDERMAN was dodging unsuspecting pedestrians as he all but sprinted down the street and RYTHMN METHOD sounded like he should be duck hunting as he tried to join POLLY in the horn blowing.

The run was brief but good.  Back at the IFSC, DOG ON turned up with even more hash beer which is the sign of a promising circle…. Which would’ve been good except that the pack were waiting for BARRY O’MANILOW to  turn up.  Never before in the history of the hash (or according to hashers short memories) had a hare ever been lost.  SPIDERMAN and WEDGIE were sent to the Harbour Master to bring our second hare to the circle but alas she was no where to be found. 

Only after the circle had finished did BARRY O’MANILOW finally make the on-in.  Seems she believed the entire pack had been lost and spent the best part of an hour looking for them!  After a quick down-down, she was told to hold another hasher’s hand so as not to get lost AGAIN and taken back to the pub where it took several hot ports for SLAVEDRIVER to feel her fingers again!

BUSH DOCTOR and Mike Lowe turned up about 2 & ½ hours late and persuaded a few of the die-hards to go for tapas… the final stragglers are reported to have made it home at about 12:30 AM –   all in all not a bad hash!!!

RUN  :  916    SIX MILLION WON MAN   RICK O’SHEA      Beggar’s Bush area

This was the February 13^th Birthday run set in honour of RICK and SIX’s birthdays (by themselves, of course!).  It was a very very cold day and not surprisingly the pack were in the pub early to get enough liquid courage to endure the biting cold outside.  TWEEDLE DUM and HAIRY FRITTER were on hand, as were JOY RIDER, STTI, RYTHMN METHOD, SLAVEDRIVER, and Clare O’Sullivan.  HASH HUGS turned up just as the pack were departing but was not to be seen again…. Perhaps she did a “Bermuda Triangle” run on her own…

The runners were off on a rather long FT and that was just a bit of foreshadowing for the entire run – rather long!  TWINKLE TOES and the rest of the walkers had the right idea by short-cutting the entire time and going directly to the pub stop.  WEDGIE, DR. NO (I think he was there?) and the rest of the runners had to suffer a few miles. But the runners took it handy and even did a bit of property shopping on the Liffey before realising that none of them had their cheque books with them and even if they did, they most likely didn’t have the €450K for an apartment sitting in there! 

Then it was out again and along the quays past the “Pig trap” (literally painted on the side walk – any guesses what this is for?).  The pack were cruelly teased with a check at the Harbour Master pub only to find out that this was only mid-way to the real pub stop!  At last the correct pub was located on the quays and the group were able to temporarily thaw out and watch a bit of the match before going back out and over the Liffey. 

The idea of having the circle back at the pub was nixed in favour of going directly to SIX’s pad for a bit of grub and WARMTH!  STICKY FINGERS made an incredible chocolate biscuit (Boob) cake with a “side” for each (RICK and SIX)!  LOUIS wanted to know who posed for the mould…!  But alas, it was 2 cereal bowls!

After an hour the hash realised that they hadn’t had a proper circle.  No one was willing to go back outside, so it was held…. Where else…. In the loo!!!

Back in the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted
more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced
every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate
and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one
Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old timer, bought him a
drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could
give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on
your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his
gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the
cowboy, "I'm learnin' sumthin' here." "Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See
that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on
the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old timer, "I mean smear it all over
the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked they young man.

"No," said he old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the
piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt near as
much."

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his

friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a

big brass gong next to the bed. "What's a big brass gong doing in your

bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an

ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a

moment. 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot,

it's three o'clock in the morning!"

RUN  :  915                    LOUIS COPELAND                         HARRY BURNS

Well if this just wasn’t the most co-ordinated run EVER!  Now, we’re not talking about any of the hashers here – we’re talking about the fact that LOUIS COPELAND decided to set a run in his neck of the woods so that he could host everyone back at his new house on COPELAND avenue!  Well if this doesn’t set new standards, what does?!?!?    WEDGIE is still out looking for a WEDGIE avenue!

It was quite the crowd at Harry’s, all packed inside watching the rugby game.  Even BUSH DOCTOR and Mike Lowe were there on time, although they snubbed the rest of the hash and insisted on sitting in a different part of the pub. 

The day was miserable and rainy, sleety, and basically sh1tty.  The pack in the pub were mangy and they hadn’t even been outside yet!  Begrudgingly, the group trudged out of the pub  after the match and started to check it out…  WEDGIE was first on and led DR. NO, RYTHMN METHOD, RICK O’SHEA and POLLY down the beginning FT.   Thank goodness for STICKY FINGERS and her friend who were headed in the right direction and gave that “knowing” look to the runners as they traced back.

Visiting hasher GINGER P*SSY realised (or not) that she had left her bag in the bar and headed back in to keep Clare O’Sullivan, LOVE SEAT,  BUSH DOCTOR and Mike Lowe company…!!!!!  This group decided to hold down the fort and wait for the afters.

The trail wound down Griffith Avenue and up to the right (where there’s a really beautiful building – but not Casino Marino… the scribe should learn her Dublin geography).  RYTHMN METHOD, HATE CRIME (or was he in the pub?) and SIX MILLION WON MAN jumped over a wall and surprise surprise, everyone else followed suit except SLAVEDRIVER, STTI, STICKY FINGERS and DR. NO who now found that they had to track back entirely to Griffith Avenue…  no bother though, they came back to Copeland Ave. as the FRBs were arriving and were in fact the first home!

Eva seemed completely calm despite the bedraggled hashers spreading muck and rain in her new house!  SIX lead the songs in the circle and the neighbours are still telling their kids “don’t use that language”!!  BLONDIE BOUNCE and Nicoli showed up 3 hours late….!!!!!!! But refused to give any details.  Eva had had enough and left for a charity do.  The food and hospitality were fabulous and in the end we all forgave LOIUS for living on COPELAND ave.