What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
~Thanx To Angie
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Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does
it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
A: Throw him the remote control.
A: A candlelit football stadium.
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's ass and the other's a chimpanzee.
A: A sex-change operation.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
That night, the princess had frog legs for dinner.
I bet you didn't know this: Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of linen.
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"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
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What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer 'Olive'? Yeah,you know,"Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names..."
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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
Can a person be chalant? Can weather be clement? And are children ever
ruly?
I went to a strip mall the other day with my friend. Let me tell you,
I was disappointed. Everybody else had on clothes.
My best pickup line is: "Hi, I'm Bob. Do you speak English?"
Somewhere in my office, in the vicinity of my desk, there exists a
black hole into which all my pens disappear.
A woman was scooping up an armload of toaster pastries just as I was
contemplating their ingredients. I said to her, "These things could
kill you." She said, "Well, they're just for the kids."
The penalty for bigamy is two wives.
The 6 o'clock news said to tune in at 11 for a list of the condoms
being recalled. Hey, my wife and I go to bed at 10.
It's getting tougher all the time to drive in Macon. Today, an old
lady -- and her grandkids -- all gave me the finger.
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Thanx To Minerva Steele
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The Old Man and the Bear
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen
year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What
do you think about that?"
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a
grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella,
pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must
have shot that bear."
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Once you've read the instructions on a box of Pepperidge Farm frozen
raspberry turnovers, it's too late to obey them: "Preheat oven to 475
degrees F before taking package from the freezer."
For incorrigible narcissists, Conair offers this safety tip with its
hair dryers: "Never use while sleeping."
A New Jersey reader was surprised to read the "patient counseling"
instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for
her cat. "Do not mix with alcohol," it warned. "Use caution when
driving or operating machinery." Our reader noted, "We had no idea
what the cat was up to when he felt good!"
But the real eye-opener comes from Japanese manufacturer Yamaha.
While perusing the assembly instructions for his new Electric Grand
keyboard, a reader found a diagram showing assorted pieces of hardware
and labeled with a single Anglo-Saxon word of instruction. We can't
repeat the instruction in this family magazine, but we believe the
company meant "screw".
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A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he
ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
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* Stop neglecting children; at least learn their names and birthdays
* Stop circulating the "Good Times Virus" and "Join the Crew" e-mail
* Read all of the mail from all of the lists I have subscribed to
* Limit my subscriptions of lists to a maximum of fifty
* Back-up 4 gig hard drive weekly; well, maybe at least monthly
* Not rush to any ftp site as soon as I hear of a new Beta
* Insist that all "ten best" lists be strictly limited to ten
* Not buy magazines with AOL disks just to get another 1.44MB disk
* Answer Snail Mail with the same enthusiasm & promptness as e-mail
* Spend less than two hours a day on the Web; on new sites anyway
* Try the e-mail version of the Mrs. Fields cookie recipe
* Promise when I hear "Where do you want to go today?", I won't laugh
* Think of a password other than "password" to use on web sites
* Never "throw" another snowball via e-mail; at least not 'til next
year
Thanx To Betsy, Dave, Chris & Lori
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A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations. When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says, "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders. "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
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"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says. "Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
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Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Koala bear?"
Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear."
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Panda bear?"
Mummy bear: "No, son. You're a Polar bear!"
A few minutes pass.
Baby bear: "Mum, am I a Grizzly bear?"
Mummy bear: "Look! You are a Polar bear! Why do you keep asking?"
Baby bear: "I'm bloody freezing!!!"
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15. Your "license" is from the Nevada State Athletic Commission.
14. When prospective employers ask what your thoughts are on discipline, you simply point to your 5-inch stiletto heels.
13. Your bedtime story to the kids consists of telling them that the Sandman will rip their faces off if they don't go right to sleep.
12. No more free evenings since you became "Trevor, pantsless defender of the night!"
11. Your solution to every problem: Your homemade "Kiddie Nunchuck"
10. Your only experience with children involves the baby doll dress and Shirley Temple wig the escort agency made you wear.
9. Your version of Rock-A-Bye-Baby involves an actual tree top.
8. You always seem to choose "Date with boyfriend" over "Dinner for kids."
7. You bring over some dingoes to watch the baby while you're out.
6. "Spoonful of sugar" may work for Mary Poppins, but nothing beats a shot of Nyquil and leather restraints for *real* child control.
5. Tendency to check tyke’s temperature with a meat thermometer.
4.Your brilliant new concept: Garbage bag cinched at baby's waist = 10-day diaper.
3.You're Super-cali-fragil-istic-expi-ali-psycho.
2.Burping the baby involves a sixer of Bud and a Beefy Tostada.
...and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Nanny Material...
1."Hey! Simon didn't say, "Breathe"!!"
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Yes! There are more coming...so keep coming back. *s*
If you have any jokes you would like me to post please email them to me, thanx.
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