The Mighty Ducks' Love Line #10

More annoying than that guy on the Collect Call commercials and twice as dumb, heeeeere's NOSE DIVE!

Just keep telling yourself : 'There's no place like the love line, no place like the love line...'

• NOSE DIVE - That's it. I want that goddamn announcer fired or I swear I'll- Oh, hi guys. I'd like to talk but I'm in the middle of a...what...what are you doing with that rope? AHHH! AHHHH! NOT FAIR, THREE AGAINST ONE, LET GO THIS MINUTE OR I'LL-
• DUKE - Alright Grin, where you want him?
• GRIN - Just put him over to the side. Welcome Ladies and Gents to yet another glorious installment of Grin's love line; the only show on radio more popular than Mallory's underwear drawer.
• WILD WING - HEY!
• GRIN - Sorry Wing. Anyway, you may or may not have noticed a slight difference in our program today. We've decided to have an ALL MEN's day here on the love line. That's right, you get the benefit of the wisdom of ALL the male Mighty Ducks. And sadly, despite my many protests and the expert opinion of Tanya, Wild Wing insists that Nose Dive is a boy too. Hence why he isn't gagged, out of the room or unconcious.
• DUKE - Blame Wing. I voted for tossing him out the window.
• NOSE DIVE - HEY!!!
• WILD WING - Now, now. Nose Dive's a part of this team too, I don't want him to feel left out.
• NOSE DIVE - Left out?! You all hog-tied me and tossed me in the corner! How much more left out can you get?!
• DUKE - My, he IS ungrateful, isn't he?
• WILD WING - Very. Shut up Nose Dive, or I'll let Grin set your head on fire like he originally planned.
• GRIN - It's so nice to have a fair, level-headed, impartial leader, isn't it? Anyway, onto the phones, you drooling, sex-crazed girl fans!
• NOSE DIVE - Those are MY phones!! Those are MY drooling, crazy fans!!!!
• DUKE - He's got a point. Any fans that Dive has probably would be drooling...and VERY crazy.
• NOSE DIVE - You...jerks...
• CALLER #1 - Hello boys, love the show...I was just wondering about the dynamic on your team. I mean, who would you say are more dominant, the boys or the girls?
• GRIN - Well I sort of thought that was obvious.
• WILD WING - Yeah, gimmie a break, everyone knows that.
• NOSE DIVE - Seriously, no duh who it is.
• DUKE - It's the girls, hands down.
• GRIN, NOSE DIVE, WILD WING - WHAT?!
• DUKE - Gimmie a break, they've got us whipped and you know it. Why else would you let Tanya call you 'Grinny-winny'? And was it your idea to recite love poems to Mallory in that idiotic Shakespearian getup she bought you? And you, Nose Dive, why else would you have cleaned Amber's room for her?
• NOSE DIVE - Actually, that was my idea. What?! Don't look at me like that, I LIKE to clean!
• GRIN - See Wing? He IS a girl, can we toss him out the window now?

Caution: Try not to gag on the testosterone.

• WILD WING - Alright, point made. Let's move away from this bitter subject and discuss something more manly....something that has nothing to do with Shakespeare. Gimmie a caller, Grin.
• CALLER #2 - Hi Wild Wing. My name's Mandy and I just wanted to say what a good job you do as leader...I just love to watch you on TV...you're so strong and handsome...I'd just love to, uh, get to know you better, if you know what I mean.
• GRIN - Give me a break. Do you have a question or don't you? We're a little short on time here.
• CALLER #2 - Oh Grin, I didn't mean to neglect you, you're my favorite. I mean, you do such a good job with the love line and all...you're so witty, and I think witty men are so sexy. How do you ever manage it?
• GRIN - Well, I suppose it comes to me naturally...please, go on.
• WILD WING - Hey, cut it out! she was talking to me! And I thought you said we were short on time!
• GRIN - I forgot to wind my watch. You were saying, Mandy?
• WILD WING - You don't wear a watch!
• CALLER #2 - Oh, I didn't mean to cause a problem.
• DUKE - Don't mind them...it's just the closest they've ever come to phone sex...they're a bit nervous.
• NOSE DIVE - Ha, what a bunch of pussies. Having phone sex isn't that hard; definitely nothing to be scared of....not...not that I would know, or anyth-ah, shit!
• DUKE - Well done Nose Dive, we've just lost 75% of our listeners. While Wild Wing and Grin have stepped out to fight, why don't we take another caller?
• CALLER #3 - Hi, I've got a question: What was your first sexual experience like?
• DUKE - It's all yours, Nose Dive...and I think she means real sexual experience so don't tell us about the time you got a busy signal.
• NOSE DIVE - SHUT UP DUKE I NEVER HAD PHONE SEX!
• DUKE - A little louder Dive, they didn't hear you in the news room of the Anahiem Daily Chronicle.
• NOSE DIVE - Anyway...So there I was, lying on the beach, right? Just catchin' some sun when this knockout duck babe comes sauntering up to me real slow...in one of those string bikinis, a hot pink one. So she's all like 'Can you put suntan lotion on my back?' and she unties her top to reveal this just perfect set of-
• WILD WING - And then Mom yelled up to you to wake up and get ready for school.
• NOSE DIVE - SHUT UP, WILD WING!
• DUKE - Your first wet dream, how precious.
• NOSE DIVE - SHUT UP, DUKE!
• GRIN - We really ought to do something about expanding his vocabulary....is Mandy gone then?
• DUKE - Yeah, sorry guys. But hey, you wouldn't really have had phone sex with her, would you?
• GRIN - Absolutely not, that's morally wrong.

This is what happens when you let men take control.

• WILD WING - But a phone blow job, on the other hand, would be perfectly acceptable.
• GRIN - You bet.
• NOSE DIVE - A phone WHAT?!
• DUKE - For once I agree with Dive...can we discuss the physics of that for a moment?
• GRIN - It's all about your state of mind.
• NOSE DIVE - Is THAT why you meditate?
• WILD WING - We seem to have another caller.
• CALLER #4 - Hi, I was just wondering...what's the big fascination with lesbians? Every guy I've ever known has been totally obsessed with lesbians, what's with that?
• GRIN - Well, think about it...two girls...having sex...with each other...
• CALLER #4 - Yeah, so? How is it different than watching a guy and a girl going at it?
• WILD WING - It's different because we don't like to see naked men. We only want to see girls. Lesbians get rid of the whole awkward 'I want to watch a girl have sex but I don't want to see the guy' factor.
• CALLER #4 - But that's the other thing, it's just watching....how is just watching two people have sex satisfying?
• NOSE DIVE - Well, you get to see naked horny ladies...it's like porn. Besides, any lesbians that'll let you watch are obviously sluts and would probably do you too.
• GRIN - Absolutely, I mean, there really are no such things as lesbians.
• CALLER #4 - WHAT?!
• DUKE - It's true, no such thing. They're just girls that haven't been properly nailed by a guy yet.
• WILD WING - Amen to that, brother.
• CALLER #4 - How can you say that?!
• DUKE - It's true! I mean, what's a lesbian? A girl who likes other girls better than men. They only like other girls better because they haven't had really good sex with a guy. And as soon as they did they'd switch right back to men.
• GRIN - Yup. Scientifically proven.
• MALLORY - Oh yeah? By who?
• GRIN - I'll prove it right now if you'll just bring me a lesbian.
• MALLORY - Very funny. I'm afraid your little chauvinist freak show is going to have to come to an end now...it's time for hockey practice. And I want you to know we heard every word and the girls all agree: None of you are seeing any action for a month! Oh, don't make those faces at me, you had it coming! Now let's go.
• NOSE DIVE - DAMN IT!! Oh well, thanks for stopping by Mallory...feminazi...any way, it's been a great show and...and...guys? Where are you going? Guys, you uh, heh heh...you forgot to untie me guys...guys? Oh well...maybe I can switch this reciever off with my teeth and try to crawl back to my room...good night, and love bites.