More Jokes
A beautiful young woman is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.
Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations
When a third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:
"I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Baby Polar Bear walks up to his Dad, and asks,
"Dad, am I a Polar Bear?"
"Of course you are, my son. You have white hair and you live in the North Pole. You are a Polar Bear."
With that Baby Polar Bear walks off. Later he goes up to his Mum and asks,
"Mum, am I a Polar Bear?"
"Of course you are, dear. You have white hair and you live in the North Pole. You are a Polar Bear."
With that Baby Polar Bear walks off. Later he goes up to his Grandad and asks,
"Grandad, am i a Polar Bear?"
"Of course you are lad. you have white hair and you live in the North Pole. You are a Polar Bear. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I don't know about you lot, but I am bloody freezing!"
A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working, and asked him,
"Daddy, what's sex?"
Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He also told her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...
He thought, what the hell, and went on to tell her the works. He described masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, bestiality, sex toys, etc etc...
His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowlege. Noticing her puzzled look, he asked,
"So what did you want to know about sex for?"
His little girl replied,
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
HOW TO HANDLE TELEMARKETERS By Michael Owen
If you're like most people, and most people are, you resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell you something.
And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that, knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling.
A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me.
"When do you expect us to call?" he said. "At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody's home?"
That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable.
Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I would make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them.
At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say,
"I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?"
I'd do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped,
"You're just wasting my time."
"I guess that makes us even." I said.
But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long.
And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time.
(OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)
So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and it's an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot; with a spiel of your own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain him or her a bit.
The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making these up.)
The phone rings.
"Hello, is this Michael Owen?"
Yes.
"Hello, Mr Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?"
Fine, and you?
"I'm fine, Mr Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?"
No.
"No one?"
Nope.
"Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?"
No.
"Not many?"
Nope. None.
"You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?"
No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, amd my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.
(pause)
"Uh, Mr Owen, you're using the phone right now."
(pause)
OH MY LORD! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! OH MY LORD!
Click.
You get the idea?
"Hello, this is Christi with Rollin' Hills photography studio. Would you be interested in a free family portrait?"
No, thank you.
"Not even for free?"
No, ma'am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.
"Really? That's nice."
"Yes ma'am. it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat naked around a camp fire for him to do it - - so you can imagine what our Christmas cards look like - - but hey, they're free.
click.
"Hello, is this Mike Owen?"
Yep.
"Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami...."
Not interested, thank you.
"Mr Owen, it's free, if you and your..."
'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton Hotels in the United States.
(I swear to God he then said:)
"So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?"
Yeah.
Click.
"Hello, is this Mr Owen?"
Yo.
"How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?"
No thanks, I'm rich as hell.
Click.
Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called onthe attorney in an attempt to persuade him mend his ways.
"Our research shows that you made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you have not given a dime to the communtiy charities! What do you have to say for yourself?"
The lawyer replied,
"Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three children?"
Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowlege of any of this. To this lawyer responded:
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
O/S Airways
If Operating Systems were Airlines on which would you fly...
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
BILL GATES' NEW HOUSE
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house, the following is a conversation heard last week:
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due this year, but we've had some delays..."
Three guys are at the gates to heaven. They are asked how many times they have cheated on their wives, and that would determine what kind of car they would recieve in heaven.
The first gut says "Well, I have to admit, I cheat on my wife a couple of times every week."
He is issued a small, junky, old Toyota.
The second guy says, "Well I've cheated on her once or twice."
He is issued a Station Wagon.
The third guy says "I have been perfect. My wife died three years ago and I still haven't gone out with any one else."
He is issued a limo with a personal driver.
The three men agree to meet at a park in heaven the next day.
At the park, The first two men are waiting for the man who was issued a limo. When he finally shows up, he is crying. One of the other men asks,
"Why are you sad? We were the ones given junky cars. We should be crying."
The man replys, "I just saw my wife, and she was on a skateboard!"
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper.
As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans.
Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.
As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed,
"Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge.
He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold,
revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!
Once there was a very beautiful girl named Jane. She knew all the boys in school liked her so she always wore a dress to show off her hot legs.
One day as she was coming home from school, Ben, a mischevious boy, was following her home. He thought that he would bet her a cookie that she couldn't climb a tree so that he could look up her dress to see her panties. So he came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder, and told her the bet. She agreed to do it and she climbed the tree to the very top.
Ben got the trill of his life.
When she got home her mother asked her where she got the cookie from and she told her about the bet and told her mom, Betty, that she really showed Ben up.
The very next day when she came home from school with another cookie. Again Betty asked her where she got the cookie. She said that Ben had bet her the same thing again.
Her mother figured out what Ben was doing. So that night at supper she told Jane,
"The only reason Ben wants you to climb the tree is because he wanted to look at your panties."
Well the next day Jenny came home with another cookie.
Betty was in a rage and asked her where she got the cookie from and Jane told her.
Betty said,
"Didn't I tell you that Ben just wants to see your panties?"
Jane said,
"Yes, but I tricked him today, I didn't wear any."
"I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her."
There's three guys who just got to heaven.
At the gates to heaven, god aproaches them and says "Heaven is getting crowded today. I can only accept people with particularly horribe deaths."
The first guy tells his story:
"Well, for a long time I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I get home early to try to catch her in the act. I search all over my 25th story appartment, but don't find anything. Finally, I go out on the porch and see a guy hanging off the side. I push him off but he manages to survive. So I take a refidgerator and throw it down. Of course, he dies. But it was so much work that I had a heart attack and died."
God said that it sounded pretty bad and let him in.
The second guy told his story:
"Well, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building. Every morning I do yoga on my porch. Today I accidentally fell over the side. Luckily, I caught on to the 25th story. I hold on for hours. Finally, a man comes out and sees me. I think for sure I'm saved, but then he gets mad and pushes me over the edge. I still don't die, until a huge refridgerator lands on m. And of course, I die."
God agreed that it sounded bad and he let the second guy in. So the third guy begins his story:
"Picture this: you're hiding, naked in a refridgerator....."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. As they had not been dating very long it was difficult. After careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate - not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to Foschini and bought a pair of gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the desk mixed up the items and the sister went off with the gloves and he went off with the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the button but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
There is a lighter shade but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming years, I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night".
P S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Why its great to be a bloke....
1 You never get drunk as fast as the girl you're chatting up
2 You can tell jokes
3 You get jokes
4 You can go topless in Tunisia without getting stoned
5 You go to bed with women
6 You can work the video
7 You're taller. Most of the time
8 Sensitivity was never in the job description
9 Cricket seems like a good idea
10 You're expected to flash your arse in the window when you're travelling by coach
11 Fat is a feminist issue
12 George Best is a role model
13 A good spot isn't the end of the world
14 Betting shops don't go quiet when you walk in
15 You can scratch your privates in public
16 You don't have to breast-feed
17 You get to operate heavy machinery
18 Taking the piss is perfectly acceptable
19 You don't have to remember where you've left things...
20 ...but your records are in alphabetical order
21 You know exactly what curtains you want for your new house. They're the ones they've got in the nearest curtain shop
22 Ever heard the term "unfit father"?
23 Your mum will always love you. In spite of everything
24 Every newsagent is full of available partners - provided you can reach the top shelf
25 You can carry an over the shoulder courier's bag on your back without rearranging your breasts
26 It really doesn't matter if you can't stand up after midnight
27 You are far more likely to receive than to give oral sex
28 You have only a limited range of acceptable hairstyles to choose from
29 And as you get older, you get less hair to worry about
30 You can talk bollocks for hours without anybody picking you up on details
31 You don't get patronised by coppers
32 If you wear a suit and tie, nobody will suspect you're a lesbian
33 You feel perfectly comfortable wearing clothes you wore yesterday and left on the floor all night
34 Even your best underwear is relatively uncomplicated
35 As long as your mum's still alive you can get your washing done at her place
36 Being treated like a sex object isn't such a bad thing
37 Men rule the world...
38 ...and you live in it
39 You can whistle loudly in the street
40 Your friends genuinely understand the offside rule
41 You have absolutely no compunction about hiring a cleaning lady
42 Unless you're a cyclist, you never have to consider waxing your legs
43 You can eat a banana in front of builders
44 You can pee standing up and wherever you want
45 You get to organise your best mate's stag night
46 Sex can be as quick as you like
47 You don't have to wear makeup...
48 ...but you can turn your face into a work of art with clever of manipulation of facial hair
49 Your nails are always dry
50 You won't grow up to be Anita Roddick(???)
51 In fact, you don't even have to grow up
52 You can write a racy novel without being called a slapper
53 You can become a Catholic priest and have unlimited free wine
54 A Zimmer(???) frame looks better on a man
55 So does a moustache
56 You get to wear comfy shoes
57 If you've got a toaster - which you have - you're never more than two minutes away from a tasty and nutritious meal
58 You don't collapse in floods of tears if your partner says you look "fine"
59 Socket sets
60 You can have a baby without changing your wardrobe
61 Tights are totally out of the question
62 You can buy marrows, courgettes and cucumber without getting embarrassed
63 You don't get pissed off if your spouse forgets Valentine's Day
64 You never have to admit to not knowing something
65 You can avoid bathing, shaving and ironing and merely be called eccentric
66 You don't have to sleep with the boss. Unless you want to
67 You can climb trees without exposing your undergarments
68 You can throw up in public
69 Facial wrinkles are called "character lines"
70 When you're past 80, your breasts don't interfere with your belt
71 You can totally avoid salads and it doesn't seem to do you any harm
72 You can take the dog for a walk and have a good break
73 Press-ups are easier
74 You can discuss your flatulence with a certain pride
75 You can become a binman
76 Or a professional footballer
77 Or a soldier and shoot foreigners
78 You get to eat enormous quantities of strange cheese
79 Bad hair day? So what?
80 You just sort of know about flags
81 You can open new bottles of tomato ketchup
82 Everyone loves a man in uniform
83 You remain optimistic about sport and sex
84 You can play football against a load of foreigners on holiday
85 You understand why Stevie Wonder and Led Zeppelin are important
86 You understand why a 1972 Mercedes isn't just "a car"
87 You have no trouble whatsoever putting stuff off until tomorrow
88 You have no compunction about spending a huge amount of money on black goods
89 You don't cry. Unless, that is, your team gets promoted or wins something
90 You don't feel the need to read instructions
91 A phone call only lasts a minute, Unless, of course, its a particularly long and intricate Indian takeaway order
92 You're allowed to put things in your pockets
93 You don't have to throw things away just because they're not new anymore
94 You're allowed to - in fact, you're even expected to - sweat heavily
95 You didn't give a toss when Kurt Cobain (???) shot himself
96 Whenever its hot, women walk around nearly naked
97 You can sit about smoking in Arab countries
98 Chocolate will never rule your life
99 You're expected to accidentally break things
100 You get to take off bras without having to put your arms behind your back
101 If nobody fancies you, its their problem
See what I mean ?
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said,
"I bet I know what it is -- some flowers."
"That's right," the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,
"I bet I can guess what it is -- a box of candy."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied again.
The teacher then said,
"I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says,
"You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers,
"Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant,
"Gosh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so ticked off."
More Jokes
Email: armstj@training.wa.gov.au
