Four days later I returned home & we made it through the service, packed Taylor's room into three big boxes & tried to settle into a somewhat "normal" grind.

VERY soon after, we began to talk about getting a reversal on my tuballigation. It was all I could think of at the time. We discussed ALL our options with our Dr. & when he brought up adoption as one of our choices- we began to look into it more (we never really thought adoption could be an option for us) We had been foster parents & now maybe we can do this?:)

It is a real *healing* as far as our loss goes... maybe we are coming one step closer to learning the "reason" for Taylor's coming into this world & leaving us so soon? A reason why our tubal was *barely* done as they learned Taylor was not going to be okay?

We have talked with others in our area & have done much research on the internet... it really IS a possability! This has brough a multitude of emotions... one being *HOPE* :)

At first, we all wanted a baby boy but then we wanted whatever baby came to us! But as time has gone, we all have decided that we'd so like to have a little girl. It is partly because of the sadness that surrounds our last experience with a baby boy, we feel our last son has a special place with us... as this new little one will. We just want this experience to be "different". The little pink ruffles are so different from all the little blue things that gave us such hope & happiness with Taylor... we just want *different*.

In researching this adoption thing... we have seen so many statistics of minority children in foster care- because so many adoptive families seem to want a caucasian child ("one that looks like us"). Too many little ones are raised in the foster care system:( We have decided to adopt a black or biracial baby girl. For us, this is the *right* thing to do. This is what we *want*. We could sit on a "list" for years waiting for a child that "looks like us", but that is not important to us... our daughter will know that she has two sets of parents & we hope she will grow to love & respect us all:) We have several friends who live close to us, that have adopted African American children... we will have a lot of support for our daughter.

In October 1998, we first had our home study done with the help of one of our closest friends... She has been a social worker for many years & offered to do this at no charge. She had it completed (but for last minute things & printing) and then became to ill to finish:( (We thought it had been sent to the attorney already, but in May of 1999 we found it hadn't) She spent MANY hours on this home study- including a flight over here for the home vistit. She has a very stressful job & I feel terrible about adding this extra load. We decided to take it off her hands & have another SW take over. We didn't want more stress added to her daily load & we knew this was making her feel terrible that she hadn't been able to get it turned in.

Learning we were at "square one" again, was a hopeless feeling, but we knew we would just "pick up" & move on... that's what we're doing:)