When you think it's almost over, grief can show it's ugly face again:(
This morning I got to sleep-in a little (a real privilege for me!) Timmy (8) woke and said he was going to go out into the family room- everyone else still slept.
Minutes later I thought I heard Tim crying quietly & I called to him... he cried harder as he got closer to me and just sobbed his heart out once he was in my arms. After a couple minutes I got him to talk to me and he said he misses Taylor so much- he just wants to see him SO BAD:( Tim had been listening to his discman & he said he was listening to "Pearl Harbor" & "It just fit Taylor so much". He was so sad, & other than holding him close & talking about it all again, there was just not a thing I could do to help him. He wants his little brother back... like we ALL do:(
I told Timmy that I don't know WHY God wanted Taylor so badly... WHY he had to go to heaven so soon, but that I DO know, that if Taylor had not come to us... & left us so soon... Kianna would *never* have been a part of our lives. So if for no other reason, Taylor was sent to us ultimately, to lead us to Kianna. He was like our little "messenger" from God.
Tim wanted to know again, why HE lived with his heart defect & Taylor didn't. He wanted to hear in detail the story of his birth & death... he remembers bits & pieces but there seemed a need to hear it all again.
Though I KNOW how *very* blessed I am to have my 4 older children & now our little Kianna who came to us through adoption 4 years after Taylor- the anger of it all is RIGHT ON TOP again today.
Damn I am angry that I lead my children to believe their little brother would be coming home with us that April! I am angry that after having had one child with CHD we had to have ANOTHER with CHD... and it was fatal. Angry that we never got to have him in our home, hold him, tell him over & over how much we love him. I'm angry my little boys don't get to grow up together & play on the beach with one another. That Taylor isn't in Kindergarten with all those other baby's who's moms were pregnant with me. I am so angry Taylor isn't here with Timmy to help build Lincoln Log farms, ride bikes & just be at his side. They would be SO CLOSE! I know they would have a bond like no other... both having their CHD, their zippers & being closer in age- they'd be so close.
This is where it really GRIPES me when someone (not ever having lost a child) will say to a grieving parent "You cannot replace him with another baby".... this is a classic example of how we *KNOW* as parents of a dead child... our children cannot be replaced. We can have more children & we can LOVE & SMILE again, but we'll NEVER stop missing & loving the child we lost.
Our children are *always* here within our hearts & sometimes their presence is so BIG and SO overwhelming... our hearts just overflow with the sadness of our loosing them:(
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