when i first told her what i was thinking about feeling lower than a snakes belly, and i didn't want to live, she immediatly told my counselor, and i got in big trouble. but my parents weren't contacted. everyday i spent afterschool with my teacher. talking about life, and about how things suck. then one day i brought in pills, and told a girl, who told my teacher, who told my counselor, who told the principal, who didn't tell my parents. my teacher than convinced me to call a local crisis line. that's where everything got worse. they came to my school, got me out of class and mad me hand over the pills, and then they called my parents. as soon as they knew, i was in big trouble. they didn't understand it, and were totally freaked out. i soon got in counseling and although it helped me forget about my suicidal thoughts, it didn't solve my longterm problems.
in the middle of my freshman year, i seemed better, so my mom took me out of counseling. big mistake. i was pretty much fine, but suicide was still in the back of my mind. it was always an option. my sophmore and junior year i just coped, and didn't let things really show. i kept everything bottled up inside... big mistake!! the middle of my senior year i got hurt in softball conditioning, and had to go to a back specialist, and everytime i went back, he kept finding big bruises on my back. yes, they were self inflicted, but i did have everyone going for awhile. finally i couldn't handle it anymore, and i told my doctor. he put me on antidepressants, and then sent me downtown to another crisis center.
when i got there, they weren't going to let me go because they thought i was gonna run into the middle of the street and shoot myself. i finally left, but had to make an appointment to see a therapist... which was something i didn't want to do. as all this was going on, i was loosing weight ... a lot. about 30 lbs. in 3 weeks. i wasn't eating anything, and my goal was to be on the softball diamond and pass out. it never happened though.
the next day i was driven to a counseling center, as i was planning my escape from this horrible experience. i finally was introduced to skeeter. i sat down and we talked for about a half an hour. i made everything up to sound like everyone was crazy when they thought i was a threat to myself. she was convinced that i was fine, and i made an appointment for a day 3 weeks away. the next time i went, i talked to her about an hour, and i let my real self be seen. at that point she was really scared, and kept saying that i was a good actress to make her believe that i was alright. i found out then that she was leaving on a 3 week trip to europe and i would have to see someone else. i was devistated. i hated the other woman that i had to talk to, and i couldn't wait for skeeter to get back.
when she was gone, i did something that i had never done before. i took a knife and razor and shaved the skin of my arm, and made many cuts on both arms. you would think that something like that would hurt, but i wouldn't feel anything. i was so pissed at myself for doing so bad in that day's softball game, that i finally decided to cut. it was the only thing that made me feel better. and my mom didn't notice until 3 or 4 weeks after the fact, and that was only because we were visiting one of her friends and she saw the slashes on my arms and told my mom. it was all downhill from there. she was so pissed. she started crying and just grabbed my arm and squeezed. all she said was,"we have to keep this from dad."
for the next few weeks i couldn't go one day without cutting myself. on my arms, on my legs and thighs, and even on my stomach. i haven't cut my neck though. i placed the cuts where people could see them. but the bad thing is, when they healed, they left horrible scars, and now they will be there forever as a reminder of how stupid i was. from day to day, i catch people in the mall, or in the grocery store looking at my legs, or arms. everytime i do, i just want to crawl in a hole and cut more. i'm so ashamed of them.
i've been doing better these few months. i've been going to therapy regulary and i'm on 6 pills a day. last week would have been 3 weeks of no cutting, but i broke. while i was at orientation for the upcoming college year, i got really depressed and took out a little knife, and marked up my arm. i'm ashamed of myself. i'm not strong enough to stop it, and i don't think i will ever be.
the one best thing that is helping me through all of these horrible times is my therapist skeeter. she's so awesome. she's just a regular person like you or me, and the best thing is that she's not scared away by my scars, or by how much pain or how many problems i have. the only bad thing is that i'm leaving for college in september, and i have to leave skeeter. i guess i'm gonna be hooked up with someone down at college, but i only want skeeter. she knows me the best, and i never want to lose her.
if any of my story sounds like you, don't be scared. there's many people out there that are willing to help. if you're too scared to ask for help, then may i recommend a book? "Cutting" Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation by:Steven Levenkron. it's changed my life, and it helped my therapist understand what i was going through better. i even gave it to my mom so she would understand and leave me alone. (but that didn't exactly work)
if this sounds like someone you know than please don't run away, cutters are special people that need attention and support. they have little or no self esteem, and they need people who care about them to help raise it. no matter what they look like... a road map, a tic-tac-toe board, or maybe it's only a few tiny slashes. don't turn your back. they need to have people that understand and who are not afraid. i know for me personally, the time when i was most dangerous to myself was when i was alone with my thoughts. i would think about everything that i had failed at that day, and i just got so much frustration built up inside that the only way to let it out was to either cut and bleed, or to hit myself until i could no longer take the pain. afterwards i would feel relieved, but then start to hate myself for self mutilating behavior. then i would want to cut more, and it was just an endless cycle. cutters try to seclude themselves from everyone because they are afraid of rejection, or making someone mad at them. they hide in their room or anywhere were they can be alone. the worst thing is to have them alone. they need to be watched almost all the time. at least when the symptoms first appear. they need to be introduced to therapy as soon as possible. they have many problems that they are hiding, and they need to release them. if they don't, they keep building up inside, and someday they may find life totally unbearable and decide to end everything. most people who commit suicide didn't really me to, they just accidently do it.
|
Home
Some of My Favorite QuotesClick here to go to My Life
My GAY PRIDE page
My Phantom of the Opera page
My Piercing and Tattooing page
My Page on Cutting
Pictures
Pictures of friends
Wright State University's Lambda Union
Dealing with Depression and Suicide
Chris's Suicide Help Page
Self-Help for Self-Injury
Piercing Mildred - Where You Can Pierce Without The Pain
Body Modification Ezine
Tonys Online - A Link To Today's Broadway Shows
Bluemountain Postcards - Send An Online Greeting
The Chathouse - A Great Place To Chat
Moviewavs.com - Find A Sound From Any Movie
Email: phantom_rose@hotmail.com
