"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
"For I am Costanza, Lord of the Idiots!"
"My whole life is a lie."
"My life is ruined because of the puffy shirt."
"Was it a pick....or a scratch?"
"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
"I'm out of the contest."
"I'm a hipster doofus."
"Who would refuse a Junior Mint?"
"I can't be with someone whose whole life is in shambles."
"The mohel circumcized my finger!"
"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
"There had to be a second spitter!"
"The woman had an orgasm under false pretenses. That's sexual perjury!"
"She had man hands!"
"I'm dating a virgin, I'm in a contest, something's gotta give!"
"What do girls do?"-(Jerry, on what girls do to torment each other.) "We just tease someone until they develop an eating disorder."
"Movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor."
"It's not fair that people are seated first-come, first-serve. It should be based on who's hungriest."
